Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Changing rooms - who was unreasonable?

299 replies

Loobyloomicles · 16/03/2018 17:16

Not the 90s decorating programme, but a question about boys in female changing rooms.

My 7 year old nephew regularly goes to swimming lessons, my Dad (his GF) usually takes him but the other week my Mum (GM) did instead. After swimming, mum took nephew to the female changing rooms as there are no family/unisex ones. He was having a quick shower post swim, mum was just round the corner getting his towel and clothes and heard a woman telling him off, asking why was he there (to which he replied 'Grandma told me to!') and that he was 'a naughty little boy' to be in the girl's changing rooms. My mum went straight back and got a mouthful off the woman, who was going on about how inappropriate it was.

My mum was angry that the woman had upset my nephew, rather than taking it up with her first. However, she felt bad about him using the girl's shower. She has decided that at the moment she will continue to use the cubicles in the girl's changing rooms if it's just her but will not get nephew to have a shower.

So who is being unreasonable here? Personally I think it's the leisure centre - for not having a family changing room/shower but I also feel that the woman was being a bit oversensitive, especially when considering that my nephew looks really young for his age (often gets mistaken for a 5 year old).

OP posts:
Doubletrouble99 · 16/03/2018 17:54

I certainly wouldn't expect a child as young as 7 to go into the men's on their own. Surely that is more 'dangerous' from a paedophile point of view!

demirose87 · 16/03/2018 17:59

Look at it this way then, would any of you be happy with your 7 year old daughter showering in front of men in the men's changing room with her father? No and I suspect many men would be uncomfortable with that. This is no different.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/03/2018 17:59

Teach him to say ‘I identify as ‘female’ with a steely stare.

Sounds really good in principle. Not such a good longer term strategy - eh LM et al. Not suggesting that your nephew may use this line but he may tell others to when older. Often what we tell children sticks.

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/03/2018 18:00

If a naked 7YO boy is a problem, then so is a 3YO one..... they are both prepubescent children.

My 7YO DD would be fine about a 3YO in the girls' changing room with her.

A 7YO boy? Not so much.

To a 7YO girl there is a difference.

Original poster
Loobyloomicles · 16/03/2018 18:00

Thank you for replies.

The more I think about it, I think that the leisure centre should have unisex showers and, as above, cubicle changing rooms. Am pretty sure that them not having this is discriminating against single parent families, disabled children?

I do confess that I have a bit of a thing about unisex facilities and have thought that big public areas (leisure centres, shopping malls etc) should be made to have family/unisex toilets. Have thought this after there was a horrible crime in the city where I lived abroad years ago when a little girl went to the ladies on her own (was with male relatives) and was then assaulted and murdered.

OP posts:
WeaselsRising · 16/03/2018 18:01

Well presumably as he was on his own in the shower the woman didn't realise he was with your DM hence shouting at him.

My DD was swimming while at a Holiday Club last year. She told me there had been a boy in their changing room (she was 10 at the time) and when she and another girl queried it a woman said "it's OK, he's with me". I asked her why she didn't tell anyone because there shouldn't have been random people on site at her club and she said all the leaders were by the pool, not in the changing room, and there was no-one to tell.

In a way it was lucky the woman had a boy with her and not a girl because I don't think DD would have mentioned it otherwise but I raised a complaint with the Holiday Club. It transpired that people using a private (children's) swimming club were coming in to change their kids early, while the Holiday Club was in there. HUGE safeguarding issue because they weren't supposed to be on site at all until their start time. Caused a big hoo-ha and I see that this year the club is using a different venue.

I have told DD that she doesn't have to accept the word of some random woman in the future and that boys of 8+ are not allowed in the girls changing room (of course that was pre this Trans stuff) so she should report it immediately.

ilovekitkats · 16/03/2018 18:01

What did the swimming pool say about it? I presumed that your Mum checked the rules with them after the incident? Maybe they need to put some signs up.

Presumably everyone was still wearing swimsuits whilst in the shower? I really don't see what the problem is and the woman was BU.

Hoardinghobbit · 16/03/2018 18:01

Didn't take long for trans haters to use their crowbars.

cupoftea84 · 16/03/2018 18:01

I've been uncomfortable with young boys looking at me getting changed in the ladies changing rooms before.

I appreciate parents problems here but I feel very strongly that if they have to be there they should be supervised closely and not stare at ladies changing.

The lady maybe over reacted but she was clearly upset and he shouldn't have been unsupervised in that environment.

Gileswithachainsaw · 16/03/2018 18:02

But demi you forget.

The men's changing room is some portal where all these apparently safe and uninterested sons and husbamds and teenagers that are all fine and dandy on the women's, turn into paedophiles when they cross through it.

Now in this instance the kid was probably ok provided 8 is the cut off. But the lack of awareness if the girls is worrying and the cubicle should have been used for these very borderline kids

Ariesgirl1988 · 16/03/2018 18:02

Well and truly the swimming should have a "family changing room" which is basically unisex some pools where I live have them. As for that woman shouting at him and calling him a naughty little boy well she's lucky she can still talk cos I woulda knocked her teeth out talking to my nephew a 7 year old like that! some people really are a nightmare you can't shout at a 7 year old for using a shower in changing room take it up with the adult they're with

hibbledibble · 16/03/2018 18:03

Yanbu. 7 is ok to be in the opposite sex changing room, the rule is usually 8 years.

Bobby surely there should be disabled changing rooms to cater for you and your boys?

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/03/2018 18:04

Children are children. Some are boys and some are girls, but really at 7 it is madness to start segregating by sex.

Our primary school doesn't have a swimming pool so the kids go down to the aquatic centre for lessons once a week.

Even the year 1s (5YOs) get changed in seperate changing rooms.

Ironmanrocks · 16/03/2018 18:06

My DS (7) has swimming lessons and we are often running tight for time due to other commitments. He comes in to the ladies changing, I help get him changed as we need to be fairly speedy. No cubicles. After his lesson, he has a shower due to eczema (single shower with a curtain) and he tends to dress himself at a slower pace. Admittedly there are lots of parents changing their children so no changing adults around, but I am very aware I am running on a time limit with this. Equally he is a child and although naturally interested in the other children, they are not so different to him. There is no way I would allow him into a male changing room yet, not only as I I would have to wait an hour for him to come out!

upsideup · 16/03/2018 18:06

Look at it this way then, would any of you be happy with your 7 year old daughter showering in front of men in the men's changing room with her father? No and I suspect many men would be uncomfortable with that. This is no different.

Of course. Dh takes 3 year old dd into the mens and used to take older dd when she was younger, he watches them and keeps their costume on when they are small children we would both rather than then send them into another room to change alone.
Ideally there would be another option but if not that is the safest one, for the parent of either sex to take their small children of either sex in with them.

Viviennemary · 16/03/2018 18:08

I'd say it was the centre who was unreasonable for not making it clear on notices what the rules are for the changing rooms. Your Mum could hardly have gone into the men's changing room. I don't think many people would object to a 7 year old boy in the female changing room. I think this woman was the exception.

Original poster
Loobyloomicles · 16/03/2018 18:09

Will check with my mum, but am 99% sure that he would have had his trunks on as when I previously took him swimming at my gym (family showers, individually separated into cubicles with doors) he kept his trunks on even then.

OP posts:
ForalltheSaints · 16/03/2018 18:09

A simple 'where is your mum' would have been appropriate from the concerned woman.

Family changing rooms ought to be provided.

blackteasplease · 16/03/2018 18:09

the woman is unreasonable.

7 is still really young. I always thought the cut off was 8 which is arbitrary I know but still about the youngest I'd expect it to be.

Where boys are really tall I might think they'd get looks but never someone having a go at them!

blackteasplease · 16/03/2018 18:10

Yes forall that does sound about the size of it!

AJPTaylor · 16/03/2018 18:10

ive never had sons, only daughters. i am not sure i would be happy letting a 7 year old get changed by himself in a male changing room.

blackteasplease · 16/03/2018 18:12

Also I think family changing rooms are the answer.

Also solves issues for trans people , as would making all toilets just cubicles off the corridor, which is also relevant to kids of this age who might be a bit unsure.

blackteasplease · 16/03/2018 18:13

Sorry to bring trans into it but I'm just thinking aloud about what a bad system we currently haveA

Gileswithachainsaw · 16/03/2018 18:13

What amazing thing happens to them vetween 7 and 374 days and 8 then? Or even between 8 and 9 which suddenly renders them so much safer?

Up to parents to find alternate ways such as using cubicles or a corner with one of those towels you wear? Or changing into easier outfits in the car etc

It's not to distress pubescent girls

Dragonglass · 16/03/2018 18:14

These threads always make me appreciate our local pool more. It has a large communal changing village full of different sized cubicles. There are also single sex group changing rooms for those who prefer that.