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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Changing rooms - who was unreasonable?

299 replies

Loobyloomicles · 16/03/2018 17:16

Not the 90s decorating programme, but a question about boys in female changing rooms.

My 7 year old nephew regularly goes to swimming lessons, my Dad (his GF) usually takes him but the other week my Mum (GM) did instead. After swimming, mum took nephew to the female changing rooms as there are no family/unisex ones. He was having a quick shower post swim, mum was just round the corner getting his towel and clothes and heard a woman telling him off, asking why was he there (to which he replied 'Grandma told me to!') and that he was 'a naughty little boy' to be in the girl's changing rooms. My mum went straight back and got a mouthful off the woman, who was going on about how inappropriate it was.

My mum was angry that the woman had upset my nephew, rather than taking it up with her first. However, she felt bad about him using the girl's shower. She has decided that at the moment she will continue to use the cubicles in the girl's changing rooms if it's just her but will not get nephew to have a shower.

So who is being unreasonable here? Personally I think it's the leisure centre - for not having a family changing room/shower but I also feel that the woman was being a bit oversensitive, especially when considering that my nephew looks really young for his age (often gets mistaken for a 5 year old).

OP posts:
CompleteAisling · 17/03/2018 00:35

But the ones in there might not be. Remember them. The girls who the room is actualky for?

Why would the women and girls have any problem with a 7 year old boy? For what reason?

Sn0tnose · 17/03/2018 00:51

Lots of posters have given lots of reasons for why women and girls would have a problem with a seven year old boy in the changing room.

Crustyoddsocks · 17/03/2018 00:53

Gutted! I wanted to talk about the 90s decorating show.
Hope someone gives you good advice xxx

CompleteAisling · 17/03/2018 00:53

Not any that were reasonable. Did someone mix up seven and seventeen?
Anyone threatened by a seven year old needs to remove themselves from the situation until they can cope.

Sn0tnose · 17/03/2018 01:03

Aisling Nobody actually claimed that it was because they felt threatened though, did they?

Personally, I'd be fine with a 7 year old boy. I think I'd be uncomfortable with sending one in my care off to the men's changing rooms by himself and I'd either take him home to shower or bundle him into a cubicle so nobody could see him and he couldn't make anyone feel uncomfortable by him seeing them. But never in a million years would I dismiss another woman's or girl's right to feel uneasy about something just because it wouldn't bother me.

CompleteAisling · 17/03/2018 01:06

They did though, talking about scary staring boys. SEVEN. They aren't interested in staring at you.

7 year old boys have one thing in common with all girls and women: they are more at risk being alone in a male changing room than in a womens one. Since they are no threat in a womens changing room, it makes perfect sense for them to be there.

Eveforever · 17/03/2018 02:13

I don't think anyone on this thread has said that they wouldn't be concerned about sending a 7yo boy into the men's changing room, so we all agree that's an issue. There are, however, a number of people who have been completely dismissive about the fact that some women and girls would be uncomfortable changing in front of a 7yo boy. I think this is a really arrogant point of view. I don't see why it is so difficult to comprehend and respect that other people have different boundaries with respect to their bodies. The answer is more individual, family and disabled changing rooms. The answer is not that 'prudish' women and girls should grow up, or shut up, or go to another pool.

Greenyogagirl · 17/03/2018 02:15

My 8yo goes in the female changing room with me. Some people are so strange

Sn0tnose · 17/03/2018 02:25

Eve Couldn't agree more.

KnittedBlanketHoles · 17/03/2018 04:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

seventh · 17/03/2018 05:17

Your DM was wrong for not checking the rules first

That DREADFUL woman was wrong for bullying a 7 year old. How the hell did she think it was his fault? Stupid cow.

Italiangreyhound · 17/03/2018 05:53

I think 7 is fine to use the girls changing rooms.

But i think the leisure center should provide family changing, so complain.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/03/2018 06:11

KnittedBlanket
Your post reads that women could find a 7 yo a sexual threat and their presence in a changing room traumatising. Rules in most swimming pools in the U.K. state that 7 yo boys are allowed in the female changing rooms. This is my country as much it is yours. I’m struggling to understand the “stomping through the country” comment.

Sleepyblueocean · 17/03/2018 07:18

If boys up to the age of 8 are allowed in the changing room it is fine for him to be there. If the woman thought he was too old, she should have spoken to pool staff. Once he reaches that age he will have to go in the men's, find an alternative solution or use a different pool.
Pools should offer some non single sex facilities but some still do not ( including those for disabled people). This means that people like my disabled son are restricted as to where they can swim.

Daddystepdaddy · 17/03/2018 07:34

Ours has clear signage saying that the cut off is 8. If they don't have clear signage then you should ask them to put it up.

Daddystepdaddy · 17/03/2018 07:41

It is a longstanding and common practice in the UK to allow young children to use the same changing and toilet facilities as their opposite gender carers.

When I take my son swimming there are plenty of young girls with their fathers in the male changing room.

This is totally reasonable and acceptable behaviour to ensure that young children can go swimming regardless of the gender of their carer(s). Trying to make this some issue about the patriarchy makes you look ridiculous.

nooka · 17/03/2018 07:43

The OP says her nephew looks younger than his age and being called a 'naughty little boy' suggests that's quite likely to be true (would anyone call an apparent eight year old a naughty little boy?). No one surely expects five year olds to get changed after swimming without adult supervision? Pools that don't have family changing rooms expect children to change with the adult that is supervising them (often a requirement for younger children to swim at all). Clearly the best thing would be for the pool to have better arrangements for families, however that often means open showering areas (where everyone wears their costumes) and then changing areas for men, women and families or cubicles available to all with some big enough for a parent with a couple of kids. I wonder if the woman would be comfortable with that as then instead of the occasional small boy she'd potentially have to shower alongside everyone else at the pool that day.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 17/03/2018 07:54

I really, genuinely can't understand why anyone would have a problem with a 7 year old BOY in a women's changing room, providing he was accompanied. The world has gone mad. He's not threatening or intimidating. He's a child.

hazeyjane · 17/03/2018 08:07

I'm not saying that young boys are threatening or intimidating. I am saying that there is nothing wrong or odd with women or girls who don't feel comfortable changing in front of members of the opposite sex. My dds (and their friends-10 and 11) don't want to get changed in front of their brother(7), not because he is intimidating or threatening, but because they are at an age where they are very aware of differences happening to them, and that rather than streaking round the garden butt naked like they did a few years before, they want privacy. I try and teach ds to respect that.

The problem is with the provider of the facilities, not the girls or women and not the boys, but the lack of thought that goes with the planning.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 17/03/2018 08:17

Well, given that the leisure centre is unable to instantly transform the changing facilities to shared use, what is your solution? Force the boy to change in an adult male environment on his own where he is likely to feel more unsafe and unsure than your daughters? Perhaps this is a chance to have a conversation with your daughters about the difference between nakedness as a CHILD and an ADULT.

GaraMedouar · 17/03/2018 08:18

7 years old is fine. I would do the same and most women would. I went to the cinema last night and popped in the toilet with my DD. A woman came in with her son as she wanted to go to the toilet. He didn’t. He looked about 9 Or 10 I’d say. He stared at the wall in the hand wash section and looked mortified. Didn’t bother me. I totally understand that she didn’t want to leave him out in the foyer while she had a wee for even 1 minute at 8.30pm at night. Bless him. He wouldn’t make eye contact with me - I tried to give a reassuring smile as I waited for my DD.
Generally rules are about age 8 in pools I think. Which is fine. This is about the age my boys went into the men’s side , and used men’s toilets.

papersmile · 17/03/2018 08:25

I would say the cut off is 8. However, at 7 my son was expected to change on his own when I went into the changing room with my daughters..

We don't have any cubicles at our pool, just communal changing areas. There is a mum who brings her 9 year old son in to get changed (I know his age as he's in the same class as my daughter). My daughter is mortified at trying to get changed out of a swimming costume infront of a boy in her class.

If it was the other way round, my son wouldn't feel similarly embarrassed about being naked infront of others.

She shouldn't have had a go at your nephew but also he should be being taught some independence too.

Gileswithachainsaw · 17/03/2018 08:33

I personally think the cut off should say six.

Now befire people jump ok me I don't think six is to old. But if a poster says six people will lie and sneak in 7 and 8 year-olds and say they are six. So they stay within reasonable boundries.

When the poster says 8 you have people saying their 9 and 10 year olds are 8 and 9 and ten is too old and not fair.

You would less likely get away witg a 9 year old with a six boundary.

Six woukd keep it reasonable.

But i guess you shouldn't have to make posters to cover people lying...

Hoardinghobbit · 17/03/2018 08:51

Come on folks, let's just decide the age at which all males become predatory deviants.

Babdoc · 17/03/2018 08:54

Maybe you should lobby your local pools to revamp the changing area to the style mine has always had. One large communal room, containing loads of single cubicles and some family cubicles, with a bank of lockers on the wall. Everyone changes in a private cubicle, puts their gear in a locker, then walks through the shower area- also communal, but you shower before/after swimming with your swimsuit still on. No problem for any sex, any combo of kids/parents.
It can’t be expensive to throw up a few cubicles and change the door sign, surely?