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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we still friends?

255 replies

0ldchestnut · 16/03/2018 14:29

DP and I got engaged on NYE.
Initially I wanted to have 5 bridesmaids, however, we’ve decided on 3.
I’ve had to tell two of my close friends (who do not know each other) that it had been a hard decision but I cannot have them as bridesmaids.
1st friend was very understanding, she knew it was a hard decision that I’ve had to make and is happy to be a part of our big day.
2nd friend was not very understanding. Instead we have had a massive row over this.
She has been very judgemental and started comparing herself to the 3 girls I have chosen.
Kept on asking but why? “I’m shocked that you’ve chosen these girls over me, Ive been a better friend to you then they have.”

I’ve told her that she cannot compare herself, it’s my decision, please respect it. I was totally honest and told her that I feel closer to them than I am with her. After arguing over this, I suggested to meet up (when she has calmed down) and chat face to face as messaging can be a misunderstanding. After a couple of months, DF gets in touch and we plan a catch up.

During our catch up, she is still judging my friendship with these other girls and comparing herself to them. I told her the truth and said that I feel closer with these other girls and I that if we had got engaged a couple years back, she might have made the cut, or if I were to have 5, she would be one of them.
She starts to cry and tells me that I see “perceive this friendship” differently.
At the end of this, we hug and I say: I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I’ll give you some time to reflect.

I have not heard from her for a month now.

I don’t know what to do… Where I stand? What is she thinking? Do I make her a bridesmaid, just to save our friendship?
Should I message her even though I said give her time?

OP posts:
breathedeepy · 17/03/2018 01:55

I'm not sure if it's salvageable, perhaps send her a message or a nice card even acknowledging her friendship and apologising for the clumsy way you've handled things? Wait and see if you hear back

She thought she was closer and kinder to you than others you've chosen over her. I imagine she's feeling quite humiliated and rejected for the efforts she'd put into your friendship

I wouldn't ask her to do anything at the wedding until or unless you do salvage the friendship as I think it will feel like offering her a runners up prize out of the blue

RavenclawRealist · 17/03/2018 02:05

I seriously don't get why women are so desperate to be a bridesmaid these days its a bloody nightmare,

This with bells on its an expensive mine field!

Greenyogagirl · 17/03/2018 02:08

I think friend #5 thought you were bff’s and was all excited telling people etc and you went and told her that she’s not even in the top 3 and if she wants she can reflect on it. Why is she your friend? Why did she assume she would be bridesmaid? If you actually want to salvage it you need to write an email explaining why you can only have 3 bridesmaids, why you chose those 3, in a nice way! And like someone else said you could have asked her to do something else to be part of it

2000lightyearsaway · 17/03/2018 04:21

Hi Op
I agree with the general consensus here but you have realised that now so no point beating you over the head with it anymore. For what it’s worth I also think your friends behaviour in telling people she was a brides maid etc before being asked was poor but I think maybe it shows testament to how close she felt to you. In terms of it being salvageable I don’t know that a friendship will ever return to what it was after that but perhaps asking to speak to your friend and Apologising for handling the situation all wrong would help, explaining how important she is to you and that you understand if she chooses to distance herself from you but you value her friendship and would love to try and rebuild. After this it is your friends decision and there is nothing more you can really do. She may just have to chalk it up to experience.

2000lightyearsaway · 17/03/2018 04:21

Sorry I meant you might just have to chalk it up to experience.

Secretlifeofme · 17/03/2018 04:34

I think you were a bit mean but on the other hand, I think she was a bit crazy to get so upset about it. I had four close friends at university, one of whom was my bridesmaid along with another friend from school. None of the others even mentioned the fact that they weren't 'chosen'. I think both of you are investing too much energy in this.

Howlongtilldinner · 17/03/2018 04:46

Nothing worse than finding out you’re not as close as you thought you were.

I think your friend is just very very hurt. I think that shows how much she thinks of you. Personally I’d have sucked up the cash for two more dresses in the first place!

I wouldn’t want to be your friend anymore OP.

marcopront · 17/03/2018 06:42

I am confused my something. People are going about how the OP ranked her friends. When choosing bridesmaids I can think of three possible ways.

  1. Invite everyone you know in case they think they are your friend.

  2. Have no bridesmaids or only family.

  3. Rank your friends and then choose.

I am not saying the way she told her friend is right but surely most people rank.

Lizzie48 · 17/03/2018 08:00

Of course people rank their friends, even if they don't have someone they call a 'bestie'/BFF. Because usually there's someone they choose to be MOH, do the other bridesmaids make a hissy fit if they weren't 'chosen' to be the MOH? (I chose my DSis so avoided that possibility.)

Posters are saying it's the way the OP went about telling her friend she wasn't chosen that's the issue here.

MarthasGinYard · 17/03/2018 08:05

'I wanted to have 5 bridesmaids'

Ugh how tacky

Friend hasn't made the final cut for your show.

She'll probably be relieved down the line

Snowyhere2018 · 17/03/2018 08:06

Blimey OP, let's hope you aren't planning on writing the next installment of 'How to make friends and keep them'. Confused.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/03/2018 08:17

Op was backed into a corner by her, no she did not actually say that she hadent made the cut, to her. Op wanted 3 BM, not 5. The woman sounds unhinged tbh, assuming she would be BM and confronting op in such a way, that she felt she had to give a reason. Some people you feel more close to, than others, what's wrong with that!

On the other hand, I don't blame the friend feeling like she does, I would feel very hurt finding I am not close to a friend as I thought, and would back away from tge friendship to save my sanity.

NinjagoNinja · 17/03/2018 08:33

Why can't she be a bridesmaid OP?

It's a dress. And permission to walk down the aisle behind you.

MammaGnomes · 17/03/2018 08:35

I think your all being v harsh to OP. I'm on the other side of this at the moment. Close friend getting married. Couple of years ago would have 100% made the cut but since I've had Dd we aren't as close. I still think of her as my bf but I wasn't shocked or hurt by her decision. It's her wedding her choice.

jpclarke · 17/03/2018 08:37

Bridezilla alert!! You shouldn't of mentioned bridesmaids to her. And you shouldn't of even justified or had a conversation with her about it. If she had of asked if she is a bm you should of said no x,y, and z are and left it at that. I think you have lost a friend and to be honest I wouldn't blame her.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/03/2018 08:54

I think everybody is being extremely hard on yiu op. Unless you kept on about bridesmaids to your 5 friends, and just discretely asked yiur 3 close friends without mentioning it to the other two. She was silly backing you into a corner and catching you off guard, your only human. When we are caught off guard we do not have time to think about appropriate responses. Op has a right to have however many BM they want. It's not only the dress, there are other costs too. The other friend responded very well, this woman sounds a bit mad. It's not like they know each other, they are separate friends, so not a group of 5 close friends.

Op your fine, how're she has realised yiu don't see her at the same level as she does you, that obviously huts, she is acting out that hurt. To ask her now, woukd be not so good as it's obvious yiu asked her because she confronted you, and not because you wanted her to be BM. If I were her I woukd refuse.

I think you have lost that friendship now. I would do the same if I were the friend, just let it slide.

1981m · 17/03/2018 09:01

I ve been in the hurt friends position too. The person I thought was my best friend at uni didn't choose me as bridesmaid. I was upset but didn't show it. She told me nicely and asked me to do a reading. I didn't want to do a reading, not confident to stand up in front of all those people. The friendship remained the same on my part. However, due to more recent events I wish I d re-evaluated it more though. A few years later she actually said to be she should have had x friend (not me) instead of the one she choose and I still didn't take the hint! So was very hurt recently when she chose two other friends and not me as godmother. But should have seen it coming. I ve stepped away from the friendship now.

I expect she's very hurt. She valued the friendship more than you did. It was mean how you told her but then she backed you into a corner to tell the truth. I think it will take her quite a while to decide what she wants to do and if you are friends again I think your friendship won't be the same again. You have basically told her she's not a top 3 friend.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/03/2018 09:01

OP, even if you handled it in the most gentle way possible, this friend woukd still be hurt and woukd have confronted you, she seems that kind of person. With her, if you did not ask her to be BM, there was always going to be a fall out however way you did it.

ElsieMc · 17/03/2018 09:13

I had a very close friend from childhood who was my bridesmaid at my wedding along with dh's sister. Tbh they were both a pain in the arse, squabbling about everything.

When friend got married, she did not ask me to be a bridesmaid but chose a Uni friend. She told me about this and the family all invited me to sit with them at the ceremony. Slightly hurt but not overwhelmingly so. I went and enjoyed the day and lovely meal.

However, I realised she blew hot and cold. She later dropped this friend. She later dropped me then reinstated the other friend. I was glad I rose above it and I have spoken to her dm recently and told her that we grew apart (polite there). Her dm also appears to have been dropped as she has told me she is very busy and hardly ever visits her. She seemed sad and lonely.

I am sure op that at some time in the future you may not make the cut with someone important to you and then you may need to reflect on the type of friend or partner you have been.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/03/2018 09:25

1981m, that is hurtful, but you stuck in there for too long, especially when she told you how she wished she had asked other two friends to be BM, instead the ones she had, how awful of her. That would have been it for me, away she goes after that.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 17/03/2018 09:37

I've been a bridesmaid four times and absolutely loved it. Loads of fun.

OP, if I were your friend I'd be mortified I'd pushed to be BM like that and would have understood most of this. However, the bit about making the cut 2 years earlier is so unkind and such a slap that no, I would not want to be your friend again.

I also wonder if there is a link between her assumption and your original plan.

I would not see you again. You sound pretty awful, to be honest.

junebirthdaygirl · 17/03/2018 09:38

I had close friends at university at school and later in life. Never expected to be bridesmaid to any of them. Delighted to be asked to wedded and excited about all their plans. I would never in a million years have questioned their decision on who they choose
30 years on we are closer friends than ever. Imagine our loss if we fell out over wearing a long dress and looking awkward.
. That friend was out of line bringing it up but your replies were strange too. Who needs enemies with friends like either of ye.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/03/2018 09:55

Very sensible june, it was very presumptuous of her to assume she would be BM. I have a group of 3 friends since school, we meet up regularly. One friend got married, asked one to be BM, and tge other other do a reading. I was not asked to be involved in anyway. I was slightly hurt, but never dreamed of confronting her. She used to messaged prior to the wedding, talking about ideas for BM, I just told her to ask her bridesmaids and left it there.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/03/2018 09:58

I thought about it, a I would not want to read in front of everybody, b I had no time to dedicate to BM duties (dress shopping, hen do planning etc), as I have a dd with ASD who was quite a handful at the time, she is much calmer now she is 7 years older.

HiggeldyPigsinblankets · 17/03/2018 10:13

Initially I wanted to have 5 bridesmaids, however, we’ve decided on 3. I’ve had to tell two of my close friends (who do not know each other) that it had been a hard decision but I cannot have them as bridesmaids.

this indicates that the op had discussed all 5 friends being BM with them, otherwise why would she have to tell them she could not have them as bridesmaids, if it had not been discussed at all then you would only tell those you wanted

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