Are we still friends?

[0ldchestnut]

DP and I got engaged on NYE.
Initially I wanted to have 5 bridesmaids, however, we’ve decided on 3.
I’ve had to tell two of my close friends (who do not know each other) that it had been a hard decision but I cannot have them as bridesmaids.
1st friend was very understanding, she knew it was a hard decision that I’ve had to make and is happy to be a part of our big day.
2nd friend was not very understanding. Instead we have had a massive row over this.
She has been very judgemental and started comparing herself to the 3 girls I have chosen.
Kept on asking but why? “I’m shocked that you’ve chosen these girls over me, Ive been a better friend to you then they have.”

I’ve told her that she cannot compare herself, it’s my decision, please respect it. I was totally honest and told her that I feel closer to them than I am with her. After arguing over this, I suggested to meet up (when she has calmed down) and chat face to face as messaging can be a misunderstanding. After a couple of months, DF gets in touch and we plan a catch up.

During our catch up, she is still judging my friendship with these other girls and comparing herself to them. I told her the truth and said that I feel closer with these other girls and I that if we had got engaged a couple years back, she might have made the cut, or if I were to have 5, she would be one of them.
She starts to cry and tells me that I see “perceive this friendship” differently.
At the end of this, we hug and I say: I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I’ll give you some time to reflect.

I have not heard from her for a month now.

I don’t know what to do… Where I stand? What is she thinking? Do I make her a bridesmaid, just to save our friendship?
Should I message her even though I said give her time?

She doesn't need 'time to reflect'! YOU do. On whether you value this friendship enough to salvage it. You could, but only if you can really get the message across that you care and value her. Otherwise, forget it!

I don't think just saying you will have her as a bridesmaid will automatically fix this!

She was a bit silly to assume she was a bridesmaid and as much as your explanation wasn't great most people wait to be asked so it's not a conversation many people have to have.

Friendships do change over time and obviously you feel yours has drifted a little! This has shown you she didn't feel that way.

I would call her or text if she doesn't answer, apologies for the way you have explained things and tell her you do really value her friendship and how sorry you are you have upset her! Make a genuine effort with her to spend time together ect see if you can get things back on track!

Oh dear, weddings are such hard work, and you haven't even begun yet! You are asking if this friendship is salvageable - but does it really matter to you if the woman is fifth in line? Not being sarcastic - but just ask yourself if you are bothered if you never see her - you have four other friends.

When you host an event it is your job to make people feel comfortable. Weddings are about the people who are important coming together, this includes old friends. Sometimes the people we see a lot of don't stay friends when we move on,leave a job. You may find the other bridesmaids lose touch or drift away.
She heard, I understand if you don't want to be friends, as I'm letting you go, I don't care that much. You were controlling and superior giving her time to reflect and then expect her to come back to you. Be a bit more humble.
Write her a nice card, no text or messages. Maybe send flowers.Say you are sorry you were so clumsy and that she was hurt. You do value her being in your life. (Maybe say that you want her to come to the wedding if she would like, or you could just send an invite later).
It was hard to decide about the bridesmaids, but hope it has not ended your friendship, you miss her, hope she is ok and would like to see her soon.
Follow this up with a call in a couple of weeks to see how she is, and take her out for lunch. Don't go on about the wedding. Good luck

I think it’s a basic principle that you don’t ring/meet people to tell them they’re not invited to something or not a bridesmaid/ best man/ godparent.
It’s excruciating and potentially humiliating for the person you are condescending to tell. They’ll learn they aren’t invited/ a bridesmaid in good time, but can arrange their feelings and their face in privacy.
If I’m honest, I’ve been a little disappointed on a couple of occasions not to be a godmother but I wasn’t gutted or anything. However would have been mortified if the friends concerned had met me for coffee to earnestly tell me I wasn’t going to be a godmother.
It had no effect on our friendship.
You do come across as a self-absorbed dick in your post, like you see yourself as some sort of queen bee, if it came across the same way in person, I think she will have gone off you.

I would call her or text if she doesn't answer, apologies for the way you have explained things and tell her you do really value her friendship and how sorry you are you have upset her!
Don't do that unless you really do value her friendship, it sounds very uneven, as if you want to retain her on a list, but she's a long way from the top.
You told her you understood that she wouldn't want to be your friend now, so any ambiguity has been removed - you've been clear that you like her a lot less than you used to, and don't expect to remain friends. I don't see that realistically you're coming back from that

Don't be a bridezilla, you've really hurt this friend, life is to short so do the decent thing.

We all need our friends when life goes wrong and that's worth more than the price of a bloody outfit.

How awful is it going to be with her not there? Just terrible because what you told her is really a kick in the face.

OP, I think you're getting an unevessarily hard time here. Whilst things could have been handled a bit more tactfully on your end, I don't think that you've been as cruel as you're being painted out to be.
It seems to me that your friend brought a lot of this on herself. She made an assumption that she was going to be a BM, that was always going to be a recipe for disaster. I'm friends with a bride that was put in a similar position and it was really awkward. It's not an assumption that anyone should make, it's something that you are asked to do.
Secondly, she shouldn't have kept pushing you to justify your decision. That was unfair to you and was never going to end well for either of you.
I'm not saying that she has no right to be hurt, she's entitled to her feelings and it's fair to say that this whole thing has forced her to re-evaluate your friendship because maybe it meant more to her than it does to you but that's not crime of the century either tbh, sometimes friendships drift.
Try not to beat yourself up about it too much, you might have been clumsy with your wording but you didn't actively set out to be malicious.

YOure both in the wrong I think. She shouldn’t have badgered you and you could’ve been more subtle ‘sorry 1,2,3 bridesmaids all know each other so I’ve asked them as a group. I would’ve loved to have had you and X but funds won’t stretch.’

OP you have been incredibly cruel in the way you have handled it all.

It sounds like you now realise that.

I’m not sure what you want though?

She valued the friendship more than you did and thought you were closer than you did. You can’t change that, it’s obviously the truth. It was completely unnecessary for you to have ever made her aware you felt like that but now she knows how you feel so that’s that really.

To then tell the poor woman she needed time to reflect, you have really disappointed yourself and I’m not sure what you can say to her that will take away the horrible way you spoke to her and about how little you value/care how she feels.

Maybe you could spend sometime working on you and at least then you could say to her that you were really sorry, have realised how awfully you treated her and are doing x,y,z to work on yourself. It would at least make it look like you have learnt a lesson from it all and she may be more inclined to accept an apology if it shows you are remorseful.

No she just wanted me to book and organised it then , she wanted it for 4 months before the wedding but I had to get it organised while I was on holiday .

You've behaved appallingly- if your poor friend has an iota of self confidence left she'll avoid you like the plague. How could you possibly do the innocent OMG face and ask if it's salvageable after treating someone like that? Really hope this is a joke...

At the end of this, we hug and I say: I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I’ll give you some time to reflect.

Were you bluffing when you said this, OP?

Were you expecting that after a decent interval, she’d come running back, tail between legs?

Because otherwise, on the face of it, it sounds as if she has “reflected”, and decided not to be friends. Which you said you’d understand.

Honestly, is this salvageable? I don't think so. Put yourself in her shoes. You effectively told her she wasn't good enough to be your bridesmaid and then (it has to be said patronisingly) informed she could reflect on it. As I have said move on with lessons learned.

God I'd have been horrified to ever been asked to be a bridesmaid as an adult, I have run a bloody mile.

Ahh that’s horrible... I wouldn’t be your friend anymore either.

You have dumped your friend in a not very nice way by telling her she is not good enough to be your BM.

If you couldn’t afford to kit out 5 bridesmaids, did you really save enough by reducing the numbers by 2? I’d have said “ I’m struggling with money, any chance of you girls contributing towards the dress you will be wearing.?” Let them wear their own shoes, and you could still be friends with her. Now, I very much doubt the relationship is salvageable. You’ve handled it very clumsily.

Oh dear, OP.

Yes, I do think you can salvage this.

Can you find a role for your friend? A reading as suggested above. Or singing a song (if she sings). And make sure she's mentioned in the speeches?

And let her know how much (and why) you value her.

I'm sure it's do-able with a bit of thought.

Honestly, is this salvageable?

Depends what you mean by this I suppose. Maybe you could be friends again but I doubt you will ever be as close. I would never be able to have a proper friendship that had hurt me y saying what you did, seriously were you incapable of thinking about what that must have been like for her to hear?!

When did weddings and all of the schmaltzy bling involved become more important than the people??? I’m assuming it’s a cost factor, Couldn’t you have cut something else by £100? Because you could have got a bridesmaid dress for a lot less than that.

It never ceases to amaze me the money spent on weddings, the bridezillas frantic about the right shade of punk for the chair bows or the balloon arch blah blah blah.............they are simply days for people to show off in many cases and the important people seem to have been forgotten during the fierce need to outdo each other and have the ‘best wedding ever’.

No, I don’t think your relationship is salvageable. I don’t think you make the cut as a nice caring friend.

Similar happened to me and it's shite. The bride had 6 bridesmaids ffs! Her reason was they wanted her 2 sisters, 2 of her friends (hence excluding me from that group) and 2 couple friends! When she told me the girl who'd been asked to be bridesmaid was at her house and it was obvious they d been planning how to tell me. Bridesmaid left then bride told me. It was utterly humiliating. Then she did the whole I would have loved to have you etc I thought you arrogant cow. The friendship never recovered and I was glad to let it slide.

How do any of us know how close the friend is to the OP versus the other bridesmaids? Therefore how can we judge?

Where do you draw the line at bridesmaids? You can't have all your friends.

So yes, OP was a bit clumsy in the way she handled this but she can have who she wants as bridesmaids. I think the friend should never have pushed her. Unless she considers you her best friend?? None of us know the history or the dynamics.

Oh boy, you fucked this one up, didn’t you? You’ve basically ranked her as 4th or 5th least important friend. Ouch. You didn’t need to mention she would have made the cut had you wanted 5 bridesmaids. That was totally unnecessary and cruel.

Ah well, at least she knows what you think of her.

It will save her from spending money attending a wedding where she didn't "make the cut", but would be expected to make up the numbers.

I take it OP has gone into hiding!