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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we still friends?

255 replies

0ldchestnut · 16/03/2018 14:29

DP and I got engaged on NYE.
Initially I wanted to have 5 bridesmaids, however, we’ve decided on 3.
I’ve had to tell two of my close friends (who do not know each other) that it had been a hard decision but I cannot have them as bridesmaids.
1st friend was very understanding, she knew it was a hard decision that I’ve had to make and is happy to be a part of our big day.
2nd friend was not very understanding. Instead we have had a massive row over this.
She has been very judgemental and started comparing herself to the 3 girls I have chosen.
Kept on asking but why? “I’m shocked that you’ve chosen these girls over me, Ive been a better friend to you then they have.”

I’ve told her that she cannot compare herself, it’s my decision, please respect it. I was totally honest and told her that I feel closer to them than I am with her. After arguing over this, I suggested to meet up (when she has calmed down) and chat face to face as messaging can be a misunderstanding. After a couple of months, DF gets in touch and we plan a catch up.

During our catch up, she is still judging my friendship with these other girls and comparing herself to them. I told her the truth and said that I feel closer with these other girls and I that if we had got engaged a couple years back, she might have made the cut, or if I were to have 5, she would be one of them.
She starts to cry and tells me that I see “perceive this friendship” differently.
At the end of this, we hug and I say: I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I’ll give you some time to reflect.

I have not heard from her for a month now.

I don’t know what to do… Where I stand? What is she thinking? Do I make her a bridesmaid, just to save our friendship?
Should I message her even though I said give her time?

OP posts:
NurseP · 16/03/2018 21:54

While I think you were a bit clumsy with your words. I think the friend has to really share the blame. Assuming she was bm without you asking her is not your fault! Not sure why people keep saying you 'uninvited' her when you never asked her to be bm in the first place. And when someone is pushing you for answers which they are not going to like anyway, it is easy to say the wrong thing as you feel so on the spot!
Not sure if you can fix this. Maybe give her a well thought out text and offer an olive branch and apologise if your explanation was hurtful.

KERALA1 · 16/03/2018 22:55

A line in that rudyard Kipling poem about being a man "all men matter but none too much". That's how I am with friendships. I have dh and my family and lots of lovely friends but have very low expectations of the friends. That way you genuinely are fine with realising you are someone's third best friend Grin

emmyrose2000 · 16/03/2018 23:02

You've handed this very badly from the start.

It sounds like the other lady has had a lucky escape from what is bound to be a bridezilla wedding.

FlashTheSloth · 16/03/2018 23:11

I would have felt utterly humiliated in her shoes. I probably wouldn't be your friend anymore. You basically ranked her, not very highly and told her she would have ranked more highly a few years ago. She clearly valued you more than you did her, and that has got to hurt.

Lalliella · 16/03/2018 23:21

Blimey OP you’ve had a flaming on here. When I read your post I thought your friend’s behaviour actually justified your decision in not choosing her. She sounds like a nightmare. Arguing with you and getting you to justify your decision, that is so rude. It’s your day, you should choose who you want. Best not to choose a drama llama like her. The wedding is about you not her.

chocatoo · 16/03/2018 23:24

I think your friend has had a lucky escape. You don’t sound nice at all.

BadLad · 16/03/2018 23:25

Who did you think you were, Simon Cowell?

Grin

I was thinking more Alan Partridge. Wonder if the dress code for the wedding is "sports casual".

Made the cut. PMSL

altiara · 16/03/2018 23:28

I don’t know, how do you get it right when this friend had already told people she was a bridesmaid yet was never asked! And is then quizzing OP on her friendship with the other BMs. That backs you into a corner so you’re bound to spout some sort of bollocks, I mean who is that socially unaware and hard work.
Friend should’ve not said anything or asked politely oh who’ve you chosen to be bridesmaid? She’s brought it on herself, not saying OP handled it well, but it was never going to be handled well if this girl assumed she was a BM.

Creambun2 · 16/03/2018 23:30

You sound rude and entitled. People who treat their friends like shit should remember it comes back to them.

Gemini69 · 16/03/2018 23:45

"she might have made the cut"

Ooh my actual goodness. YOU SAID THAT ???

I'd tell you to shove your Wedding where the sun does not shine.. and I don't mean here in Scotland Hmm

northernerinlondon · 16/03/2018 23:55

@Gemini69 RTFT.

Op corrected herself and didn't actually say her friend hadn't 'made the cut'.

I also don't think the OP sounds as terrible as everyone has delighted in telling her she is. None of us know the back story of this friendship, and it seems like she was cornered into a tense situation. She very clearly said the friend was never a BM, she just went around telling everyone she was. Why is she getting all of the pity here?!

I reckon this one can be salvaged with time and honesty, a genuine apology and some very careful conversations... 

Good luck OP! 

AuntyElle · 17/03/2018 00:18

Initially I wanted to have 5 bridesmaids, however, we’ve decided on 3.
Are you sure you didn’t give her the impression that she was one of the initial five? There’s nothing in the OP about friend wrongly assuming she was.

MrsCrabbyTree · 17/03/2018 00:24

You had a tough decision on which 3 friends to choose to be bridesmaids. Your friend, deep down, would have known this but with your explanation of the decision making, it was death by a thousand small cuts for your friend.

Could you not have let her save face and told a white lie - something like - you couldn't choose so drew straws - anything but telling her she currently wasn't a close/good enough friend.

I think your friendship will be rocky for a while.

SoleBizzz · 17/03/2018 00:24

You are lucky you wasn't slapped

Aeroflotgirl · 17/03/2018 00:31

Op, I agree with you. She pushed you into a tight corner instead of just accepting it like an adult. I think that it is the end of the friendship, she thought you were closer than you were, and for her, that was hurtful. I personally would let the friendship slide if I were her, instead of acting like that.

BakedBeans47 · 17/03/2018 00:41

Oh dear. I was with you until the “made the cut” comment. Cringing for you with that one, sorryb

appleschnapps · 17/03/2018 00:45

Surely this can't be real? Who would say something like that.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 17/03/2018 00:52

It must be a reverse. Nobody lacks this much self awarenessGrin 'didn't make the cut' indeed. Your friend is a prize arsehole op. She did you a favour not having you as a bridesmaid.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 17/03/2018 00:53

Oops didn't rtft. Blush

NinjagoNinja · 17/03/2018 01:06

My favourite bit is where you gave her "time to reflect".

You absolute arse. 😂 😂

Ariesgirl1988 · 17/03/2018 01:13

it was tactless and a bit mean saying you feel closer to the others than her then saying had it been 2 years ago she would have made the cut. But really its clear she doesn't want to patch things up so leave it cause even if she came to the wedding she would probably be sitting there with a long face. Really though its your day so your choice unfortunately a lot of people start feeling snubbed and sidelined if they aren't included. Perhaps it would have been better to say "look I don't want too many bridesmaids I'm sorry but I hope you understand" but it sounds like either way she would have kicked off

AnnieAnonimouse · 17/03/2018 01:15

Wind the bobbin up, wind the bobbin up...

GnotherGnu · 17/03/2018 01:21

Ooh my actual goodness. YOU SAID THAT ???

Ooh my actual goodness, NO SHE DIDN'T.

RTFT.

Ariesgirl1988 · 17/03/2018 01:25

I seriously don't get why women are so desperate to be a bridesmaid these days its a bloody nightmare, when my work friend first asked me to be a bridesmaid I said sure of course thank you and smiled nicely whilst inside thinking oh god no then she said a few months later look I'm so sorry but due to cost I've had to reduce how many bridesmaids I'm having and she hoped she didn't hurt my feelings...my reaction I lmao and said thank god I've been having nightmare's of me falling over walking down the aisle behind you (I have problems with my ankles and heels are a no no now) she laughed and said omg you're the only who took it this well one supposed "friend" said outright she couldn't believe it and if she did not keep her as a bridesmaid she wouldn't come an she didn't! I mean really its the bride and grooms day not the bloody bridesmaids all that smiling for cameras and losing weight to fit into the sometimes horrible dresses!

GrooovyLass · 17/03/2018 01:25

I don't think op handled the situation very well, but has everyone ignored the bit where the friend was going around telling people she was going to be a bridesmaid when she hadn't actually been asked? Am I the only one who thinks that's bloody weird?

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