To think that these days a baby is for life, not just for school years!

[boboismylove]

I'm just wondering about the general attitude towards your children potentially living with you until circa 30/ have a housing deposit saved?

For me, looking at the current state of things in the country, I fully expect my DS to be living with me for a long time after graduation, and am planning accordingly. Ie, I hope to buy within a couple of years, and will aim to buy in a city with decent unis and jobs in case my DS can't afford to move out, and if I ever come across extra money I will put it towards potential post-grad fees. I wouldn't have any more kids unless situation drastically changes because I won't be able to give the same support to all, ect...

I see this as part of a duty as a mum, rather than doing him any "favours", and was something I took into consideration when I was pregnant. Although of course I would be so happy if he was independent and successful younger!

Also in my DS's dad's culture its the norm for kids to live with their parents until they (save enough) to get a place and then get married.

I know many people don't see things this way for example, for example my parents were fully expecting us to be independent at 18.

Just wondering people's thoughts on this?

With ref to buying dc properties or big deposits I know people who are rich who have refused to do this.
If you need mummy and daddy to bail you out, they haven't really done a good job
it's the same with uni fees, far greater chance of dropping out if mummy and daddy are paying.
I'm poor but can honestly put hand on heart and say if I was a multi millionnaire I wouldn't provide for my adult offspring.

Just to clarify I don't think I'd be able to support my DS with housing deposit and rent at uni, so if he needs I'd support him by him living at home while he saves for a deposit.

If you need mummy and daddy to bail you out, they haven't really done a good job

That's rubbish. What about illness, losing a job, unplanned pregnancy, sudden breakup and having to move out, loss of tenancy...plenty of parents might want to help out their adult children when these things happen, that doesn't mean they have "failed" as parents.

I think it’s a good idea to live close to universities/potential good jobs. With the cost of a degree nowadays, you have to think about the end result of gaining a degree and career options rather than just the experience and then thinking about a career as you finish.
As others have said, there’s no fun and adventure or living life if your children stay at home forever, but so many people kangaroo back home to save money/break ups/house moves fall through etc so I think you’re being sensible to think about your long term options for DS but you have to make sure it all works for you first as he will grow up and leave even quicker if you think he’ll be at home until 30 - they just know!

If our kids are still here in their mid-twenties DH and I are moving out and leaving them to it.

What about illness, losing a job, unplanned pregnancy, sudden breakup and having to move out, loss of tenancy...plenty of parents might want to help out their adult children when these things happen, that doesn't mean they have "failed" as parents.

I never lived with my parents after graduation but there have been a great many times when the security of knowing I could if I needed to has got me through a tough period. I still daydream about renting out my house and reclaiming my old bedroom after my kids leave home . I never would unless my parents needed my help, but it's a lovely feeling to have a home to go back to.

I guess I am expecting our kids to have to live in with us longer. We want to convert our loft some day - we don't really need to at present, there's enough space, but for me almost the main point is that we might want to have a semi-separated space for an adult child to live in one day in the future.

These days I am surprised if anyone is snooty about adult kids living in - it is something normal, not shameful or indicative that the child is some kind of loser, especially in London, where it might be frankly sensible. I think for most people the taboo around it has gone, if they have any sense of how the world works these days.

I have no idea how we'll get on with our kids when they're adults (hopefully fine if DH doesn't manage to alienate them like his parents did him ) . I could happily have lived with my parents to raise a deposit had I not inherited some money to put one down, and they would have been fine with it, we always have got on well.

I was gone at 18, oldest brother also at 18, youngest brother at 23 and sister at 21. Varies between different people, which career paths they choose etc. I don't think most people need to stay at home until 30. They CAN leave and work their butts off like me and my siblings had to to live, but if I had the chance to stay at home a few more years, I would've taken it...

It seems that statistically more men are staying or moving back home than women.I shall warn my DD to be careful living with such a man incase they expect her to be a mum to him and do all the cooking,washing etc.
I want my DD to live a bit too before settling down,but I remember my 20s so I want her doing her living where I can't see it!
I have put money in her trust fund when able so she has something towards living fees at uni or college for a while.I will never be well if enough to fund a house or deposit for one though as a single child she will inherit hopefully not too soon.

This will be more common as rents rise. My son's rent has recently risen by around 75%. He can no longer afford it so he is moving home shortly. I wish he could afford to save whilst he's here but although we can put a roof over his head we can't afford to support him financially

"I hope my children do more with their lives than that - I'm not talking about salary but about actually living, not plodding along a set path defined solely by some kind of cult of home ownership."

Me too. I expect my children to find their own way and not rely on us, although we'll always be there for them, of course. Pregnancy, illness etc - that's different. But under normal circumstances they will just have to be a little inventive to get there - like I had to be. My parents lived rurally, no way was I sticking around even if I could!

Goose there are agencies to contact about fair rent rises - 75% is not a fair rent rise and the agencies can assist with sorting this

If you can afford to provide subsidised living to adult children then that is your choice to do it but don't underestimate how expensive teenagers and adults are to keep in addition to your own needs. My 13 and 14 year olds eat like horses. Comparing life to when they were little is completely mad imo because one period bears no relation to the other. My house also seems to be much less spacious now the more they have grown. Size 10 trainers filling the cupboards and all sorts of stuff that my daughter needs to just be a girl!

I remember feeling in love with their cuteness and the funny things they used to say but they arnt quite so appealing now.

My eldest left home for uni at 18 and never returned full time. I was always always happy to help her out as much as I could with whatever was going on in her life. If I could afford it I usually did it. Maybe I could have been abit tougher but my parents never gave me a penny and I didn't want to be quite so hard on my own kids. We have a great relationship and I really look forward to her visits.
OP Don't worry to much about cultural expectations. You often mention your ex and his culture and what his family expect.
You say you are raising your little boy as a single parent. If his Dad expects anything at all let him worry about his son and pay for him aswell until he is and adult! You say you are trying to buy a home. That isn't easy alone and raising a child. Forget about his culture because he doesn't live with and isn't doing all the years of hard work. Your son will go his own way in time anyway. He will be hugely influenced by many things other than his Dad and relatives.

I'm surprised that not many people on here seem to remember how desperate you can be for freedom and independence when you're a teenager! I love my parents, but I felt like I couldn't breathe properly, in the same bedroom I'd had since I was 7.

My first night in my new flat, I dumped my stuff, got changed, went to the pub, came home with my new flatmates wrecked but happy. And alone!!!

I wonder if social media, online games and roleplaying is changing things a bit. Teenagers can be free and independent from their own bedroom (in a way) - creating a whole life/role/space for themselves online. Maybe you don’t feel you need as much ‘real life’ space and independence if you have that.

If you need mummy and daddy to bail you out, they haven't really done a good job
that's ridiculous. It's not about bailing out. If you can afford to give the deposit to your kids, or give them half, so they start paying back a mortgage immediately instead of wasting money in rent, how does this not make sense? They need a decent job to afford a mortgage in the first place.

Of course you want freedom when you are 17-18, but after 4 or 5 years in grotty accommodation as a student, a year travelling, the idea of using your parents house as a temporary "hotel" whilst you save a bit of money or whilst you do an internship doesn't always sound that bad.

Some posters believe it's fine to put your kids in the same bedroom, I think each child needs his own space. On the other hand, the idea of having a grown up staying over for a while, being at work all day and usually away every weekend is really not a big deal. I had friends who stayed with parents as a family (so with their kids) when their new homes were being renovated. When it's only for a few months, it feels like a holiday.

But that desperation for freedom and independence is a good thing. It means young adults go and make their own way in the world.

Exactly crunchymint. I feel like I'd never have grown into my full adult self living with my parents.

Yes it is learning to sort things out for yourself that really makes you grow up. Of course with serious problems everyone needs some help. But learning to cope with everyday issues is important. And that includes things like budgeting for bills, dealing with difficult situations at work and fall outs with partner or friends.

Because for most people, you outlive your parents, so you have to learn to cope without them eventually. And I strongly believe this is easier to learn when you are younger.

The poster above who intends to build up into the attic - on reading that my thought was that I'd have hated that. I might have felt beholden to it, when I really wanted to bugger off and live with other 19 year olds just for the laugh.

@IAmMatty

After paying London rent, student loan, bills, tax, travel ect I had less than a few hundred to live on. And I was crazy lucky to get that salaried job in my field without putting in years of freelancing and interning first, even if it was shit pay. I never went to the pub.

Yeah, I'm sure it is different if you live in London. Saying that, I could barely afford to live in the shitty flat I did move in to. There were weeks my Dad took me shopping so that I had enough food. But that's also a form of parental support.

No one wants their kids to have serious problems or be homeless or have crippling debt, but living for a few years with hardly any cash and having to make choices between going out or paying a bill or eating toast for dinner a few times a month as your skint is part of learning to budget really. My DH and I were guilty of spending all our money down the pub and being a bit crap with bills and living in our overdrafts in our early 20’s but we paid our rent at least. It didn’t kill us to be skint for a while but it led us to start to want more. It was when we grew up a bit and realised we wanted a nicer flat, nicer things in the flat etc that we stopped spending all our money on going out and saved more, pushed to earn more money etc. I’m not sure that living at home and paying a tiny rent and having all the rest to spend on yourself gives that same drive. And unless you are absolutely forcing your children to save their money (and it isn’t up to the parent to dictate how an adult saves/spends their money) how do you know they won’t end up living at home to fund a better lifestyle and not really save?

Things I would do for an adult child rather than house them (unless they were on no income or studying and couldn’t afford any rent) pay initial rental deposit as they can be really high, buy/give them a few bits of furniture if it was unfurnished, take them for a big food shop when I went to visit, take them out for a nice meal or something they wouldn’t be able to afford. Possibly help if some big unknown expense came along (although that shouldn’t be an issue in rental accommodation). So support them if they have little money but still hope they can live independently.

I feel like the posters here are assuming that people quickly progress and get paid more, and this period of being skint is just the first couple of character building years after uni. This was the case for my parents, but just isn't the case now. Look at public sector salaries. There are teachers, police and nurses being made homeless as rent rises and their salaries stay the same for 10 years, not just in London, but in the South also. I know people are paid far more than me, on the top income tax bracket, still maxing out overdrafts every month after paying for nursery and london rent (that would be close to 3000 combined). Saving is just not an option.

If I could help out my kid by letting him save for a deposit where he's paying half as much in mortgage than in rent I absolutely would.