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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that these days a baby is for life, not just for school years!

390 replies

boboismylove · 15/03/2018 11:20

I'm just wondering about the general attitude towards your children potentially living with you until circa 30/ have a housing deposit saved?

For me, looking at the current state of things in the country, I fully expect my DS to be living with me for a long time after graduation, and am planning accordingly. Ie, I hope to buy within a couple of years, and will aim to buy in a city with decent unis and jobs in case my DS can't afford to move out, and if I ever come across extra money I will put it towards potential post-grad fees. I wouldn't have any more kids unless situation drastically changes because I won't be able to give the same support to all, ect...

I see this as part of a duty as a mum, rather than doing him any "favours", and was something I took into consideration when I was pregnant. Although of course I would be so happy if he was independent and successful younger!

Also in my DS's dad's culture its the norm for kids to live with their parents until they (save enough) to get a place and then get married.

I know many people don't see things this way for example, for example my parents were fully expecting us to be independent at 18.

Just wondering people's thoughts on this?

OP posts:
Perfectly1mperfect · 16/03/2018 12:09

As someone who was pretty much forced to move out of my parents house quite young, our children will be made more than welcome to stay living with us for as long as they want.

I don't want them moving out until they are in a good position to do so. There's no fun or adventure in living somewhere 'a bit scummy' as pp mentioned, in my opinion. I am pretty sure my kids will agree but time will tell.

Obviously they will be expected to pull their weight but I would rather they stay here and not spend money on house shares etc.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 16/03/2018 12:09

What job/profession demands you stay in London?

some do, but that's not even the point. There's a safety in leaving in London, you are guaranteed to find another job if you need one. I've never had to spend any time between job, you know you will find something, and usually for a slightly better pay.
I am not sure that's true everywhere.

And some of us like London and everything that is available. Once you are settled with kids, it's nice to move out, buy a bigger place but as a young adult it was the best place for me.

My kids can decide to relocate, they'll do what they want. It will still be easier to sell my current home than it would be if I was living in the middle of nowhere

YoloSwaggins · 16/03/2018 12:10

10 or 20 years? You are assuming their salary will remain on 20k for 20 years.

Actually, this is just all assumptions. There are many professional jobs available where salaries climb. Outside of London too.

Nothing wrong with wanting to help but living at home till 30 is extreme.

YoloSwaggins · 16/03/2018 12:12

Also, why do you assume your kids job will be near you - there are no jobs in my industry even in the same county as my parents, unless I worked from home.

Original poster
boboismylove · 16/03/2018 12:18

I work in media and am actually am trying to move out of London to a cheaper city (but still a city). Media/ academia/ arts and cultural sectors/ international NGOs...all highly competitive professional jobs, but not that well paid (and the kind of thing you mostly need internships/ post grad study first) and comparatively more opportunities in london.

But in other cities we are still talking 500 at least for a room, I think that's pretty standard.

If my son makes enough to rent and save that's totally great. If he can afford to go away to his first choice of uni and work to pay his rent, that's also great. (And I hope he doesn't follow the rest of my family by going into an artsy field!) I just want to give him the option of staying at home, if that isn't the case.

OP posts:
User14567891 · 16/03/2018 12:18

What's with all the hostility for wanting to help your child have some kind of security? I want my DS to have an easier life than me, I'm not so bitter than I'd want to go through the same struggles, isn't this how most parents feel

I agree with you completely.

I think the hostility and derogatory comments come from people who are insecure, trying to make themselves feel better about their own choices by trying to make others feel bad about theirs.

Or maybe they are just too narrow-minded to understand anyone thinking or doing things differently than themselves?

Genderwitched · 16/03/2018 12:22

As soon as the last one is in university, if that is what he chooses to do, me and the other half are upping sticks and going out on our own adventure.

We met when I was nearing 40 so we have never had much time to ourselves. The DC are very welcome to join us in our little cottage by the sea in some remote part of the British Isles, or wherever we end up, but I would imagine they will want to start their own lives somewhere more lively.

Unihorn · 16/03/2018 12:23

I agree with the above, some people come across as really disliking their families on this thread!

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 16/03/2018 12:25

I think the hostility and derogatory comments come from people who are insecure, trying to make themselves feel better about their own choices by trying to make others feel bad about theirs.

could not agree more.

I went to uni, traveled, moved to a different country - and my parents still live abroad, but it's nice to know you could go back if you wanted to. I think knowing you have a safety net really helps your confidence, allow you to take risks and chose your favorite option, as opposed to settle for the "safest" one.

To be fair, it helps when you have a house big enough to have some independence and not be on top of each other, but many families manage happily.

IAmMatty · 16/03/2018 12:29

I don't think there's hostility is there? Just a difference of opinions.

Basically, I really look forward to having my own space back at some point. And I look forward to seeing the adventures my kids will go on. I don't want us to all be living like a flatshare when I've bloody retired. I want them to have full lives of their own.

I find it interesting that it's seen as doing your child a favour to let them stay at home until they're 30 or whatever, because I actually think you're doing them no favours in the sense of spurring them on to independence and full adulthood.

User14567891 · 16/03/2018 12:33

Differences of opinion are fine. Describing adults who live with their parents as “tragic” and “really, really sad” is definitely hostile.

IAmMatty · 16/03/2018 12:33

Maybe; but so is the insinuation that we're bringing our kids up to want to get away from us and shed their family ties as soon as possible.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 16/03/2018 12:34

but it depends what they do and why they are home.

Unemployed slobbing on the sofa: absolutely not
Having a baby and deciding that parents will provide free babysitting whilst they keep a "free" life: hell no
Studying or training and living rent free with a goal in sight: absolutely fine.
Leaving cheaply at home to spend all their weekends and free time doing a hobby of some kind: to be discussed Grin

RingtheBells · 16/03/2018 12:45

DS went to University, got a part time job which meant he couldn’t come home much in the holidays and when he finished university got a full time job in his university city. He rents now with an old university friend and enjoys himself and goes on holidays, he manages to save a bit and has says he will buy a house sometime but doesn’t want to be tied down yet to one place. I don’t think it was ever in his thoughts to come back to his parents after uni even if it meant getting whatever work was available just too get by

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 16/03/2018 12:53

I would feel like I failed if my kids thought that they had to find a way to survive at 18, because they are being kicked out, regardless of what they really want to do. That's not what a parent is for!

It's not the same as forcing them to stay home, nobody is talking about that, is giving them options. They chose their own life, but you're there.
If they want to start a business and work non-stop from their bedroom for months until they are profitable, that's a good thing too, isn't it?

IAmMatty · 16/03/2018 12:54

Literally nobody is talking about kicking anyone out though, that's quite a leap from what we're really talking about.

Original poster
boboismylove · 16/03/2018 13:03

In my opinion the economic and political future of the country looks pretty precarious atm, so I'm not taking anything for granted. It's a myth that if you simply work hard and save, everything turns out OK. When I decided to have my baby and bring him into this chaotic world, I promised myself that I would do everything I could to keep him secure and happy and protected into adulthood.

OP posts:
ikeepaforkinmypurse · 16/03/2018 13:03

Literally nobody is talking about kicking anyone out though
read the thread, that's exactly what some posters are talking about.

Pompom42 · 16/03/2018 13:06

I'm with you Op and fully understand where you're coming from. I'm secretly hoping my daughters never move out of here 😉

RingtheBells · 16/03/2018 13:09

I didn’t realise that OPs DS was a baby, I thought that he was a teen, I wouldn’t bother buying a house in a university city or town now as you have no idea whether he will be academic or not and which university he will want go to if he goes or what job he wants to do, I would enjoy the here and now and think about nurseries and infant schools instead

IAmMatty · 16/03/2018 13:34

No it's not. There are some tongue in cheek posts, but absolutely nobody has said 'on their 18th birthday my responsibilities as a parent are over, and my kids bags will be on the doorstep'.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 16/03/2018 13:39

but what does it mean then if people don't want for their kids to stay home? they might not put their suitcase on the doorstep on their 18th birthday, but either they accept them at home, or they don't!

Or do you mean people talk a lot, but would act completely differently in RL!

nannybeach · 16/03/2018 13:43

crunchymint thats nasty, my DD might be 47, she isnt pathetic or imature, She has a high powered job, and was in Banking (quite high up) for many years. I have already said she left home at 116 for a living in job. She had serious health problems, an MRI scan she doesnt have a car, or a partner, I am her next of kin.

Original poster
boboismylove · 16/03/2018 13:48

@ikeepa

For me its just a difference in attitude. If it was either stay at home or be homeless, my parents would prob "accept" me to go back, but they wouldn't like it.

For me my attitude is basically my home is my son's home until he has his own family. If he choses to leave earlier which I hope would be likely, than great.

OP posts:
User14567891 · 16/03/2018 13:54

I would enjoy the here and now and think about nurseries and infant schools instead

Realistically you need to start saving as young as possible, if you can. By the time your kid is going to uni it will be too late.

We started saving when my kid was born, hopefully by the time he finishes school there will be enough to pay for uni and put a deposit on an apartment for him.