To find the term 'child free' annoying?

[stuffstuffeverywhere]

Why not just say you don't want kids? Why do people have to make it sound like some dietary requirement? It's as if they see small humans as some kind of allergen or digestive irritation to be avoided.

People ask stupid and insensitive questions about all sorts of things connected with having children/or not. I remember a man at a church we were visiting asking me when my baby was due? I wasn't pregnant, just overweight (and not all that overweight either back then). We were TTC unsuccessfully at that point so that was a horrible moment.

People brought up adoption as well (including my DM and my SIL) when we weren't ready to consider it. That used to particularly annoy my DH, he would ask me, do they really think we don't know that adoption is possible?

Then people ask the most ridiculous questions about IVF. A lady at our previous church asked me in a loud voice, 'Are you using donor sperm or donor eggs?'

And on the subject of adoption, you get all sorts of ridiculous questions. I've lost count of the number of times I've been asked, 'Wouldn't your DH like to adopt a boy now so he can play trains with him?' Such a sexist comment apart from anything else, why can't he do that with our DDs?? And why is it your business whether we want another child or not?

But people are just so insensitive. Yes, sometimes they are just asking because they're interested, but it can get so intrusive.

Despite what I said about earlier upsets, I’ve found fairly recently (maybe it’s because I’m older and past the age that society will have me down as childbearing), that people are more open minded about people being childless, or is it because they are past the childbearing years too, so children are not ever present/on their minds/grown up?

I hope that makes sense. It certainly reinforces my point I made earlier about if people were happy being in the role of parents, they wouldn’t be worrying about whether other people were childfree.
I think some of it is jealousy, that they have realised that having children is way harder than they thought, but won’t admit it, so try to undermine you/us because they perceive we have easier lives.

When they ask such a personal question, I think it’s because they are fed up that the child free are enjoying themselves too much (in their eyes) and not having to run round after the kids all the time.

Yep. A lot of it is down to sheer envy at those whose time is their own. Or perhaps they want more people to experience the joys of exhaustion and a fixed situation for life?! Lol

envy of those

My DSIL, by the way, thinks I’ve waaaay too much time on my hands and thinks I should go back to working full time, or have 2 jobs because I couldn’t possibly have a life otherwise...
Yeah right....😂

I think it's simply that it's hard to understand why you wouldn't want children when some of us desperately wanted them and went to extraordinary lengths to achieve that. No criticism intended here, it would have been a lot easier if I hadn't wanted children in view of what a hard time we had.

But jealousy? Not at all, don't flatter yourself!!

As a PP said, it's horses for courses.

😂 at RoseWhiteTips. I mean, if people were given a written detailed job description of what being a parent entails, how many people would apply, I wonder...

A bit like a recruitment day at the local town hall......roll up, roll up, come and experience the joys of exhaustion and a fixed situation for life. Again, how many people......?

Poor things...😄

Not envy if an easier lifestyle? Hmm
Not convinced.

...of an

I'm intolerant of made-up bollocks words, yes.

Then you better stop speaking all together, because they were all made up at some point. Or did you think language sprang into humankind's minds fully formed right at the point of your birth and nothing before existed and nothing after can exist?

Language evolves, and progress marches on, even if it gets called "bollocks" by intolerant close minded self righteous Keyboard Kaths.

I can't stand the twee description of children as "small/tiny humans"

But they are small humans. An accurate description can't be "twee", and this one is not.

Believe me, I don't want that easier lifestyle. I I had that lifestyle for a long time, though, as I didn't have children until I was 40. It's possibly different for those who had children young.

Sorry to disappoint you, but not everyone hankers after an easier lifestyle.

Actually, I don't really spend time worrying about whether your life is easier or harder than mine. You chose your life, I chose mine, we're all different.

I wouldn't want that easier lifestyle either. I've always wanted children, and yes they are hard work, but the love I feel for them eclipses that so many many times over. I'm certainly not envious of the child free and their free time, because it's not what I'd want, and wouldn't make me happy. However, I can see why those who didn't want children feel 'smug' - they have made the right choice for them, and a parents way of life seems incompatible with happiness, just as the life of a child free person may well seem so to a person with children.

@Teacuphiccup it's a perfectly reasonable question to ask someone if they have children (IMO)

It's not reasonable IMO to ask why that might be, or to comment on the situation

Eg you're so lucky you don't have children, have you considered adoption, it's not too late, but you might change your mind etc

(although people only seem to feel the need to comment on why someone might not have children, not why someone does have them)

I did want children but could not have them We chose to accept a life without children. It's not that bad. 😎 While I still feel sad some times I don't really envy people who have kids anymore. Most days I would day I'm about 75% childfree and 25% childless. Not everyone without children can be neatly slotted into boxes marked either childless or childfree.

@bananafish81 But they do comment about your decision to have children if those children are adopted and not bio children.

“But the term 'childfree' is utter wank”

No it isn’t

How about
“I hate children, and am never having them” (from 17 year old DD) instead?

“As is describing small human beings as something unpleasant to avoid, that's basically what the term 'child free' implies”

Well, that is how some people feel about having children. Do you feel that your friend is judging you for your lifestyle choice? Assuming you have children do you think your friend feels you are defined by having children and have lost your identity? That you are ministuffstuff’s mother and not stuffstuff?

“Because comparing human beings to allergens, isn't actually very pleasant and certainly not some positive statement.”

It’s only you that have done that. DD and her friends have booked a post A level holiday to Lanzarote and have deliberately booked a child free hotel. Does this annoy you as well?

“What bugs me, is the comparison to something else unpleasant”

But to some adults the idea of having children fills them with horror. I have one child, and the idea of having 5 more would fill me with horror.

“Basically, the term implies that people who do have kids are not free and are somehow encumbered”

Isn’t that true to some extent?

“I've certainly struck a nerve with my comment 'you were a kid once.' That wasn't a dig at the decision not to have children, which is perfectly understandable, but at the blatant dislike of children some people seem to have. That seems ridiculous in view of the fact that children are not a separate species”

Lizzie48 The “you were a kid once” isn’t a valid argument. People say that to DD, but she really dislikes babies and small children. She hates how noisy they are and how dependent they are. You aren’t going to be thinking this when you are three. Some people dislike dogs, some dislike small children. Accept it.

“So do children grow up and suddenly become a different species when they wake up one morning?”

Of course they change . Not overnight, but they grow into adults that you can spend adult time with. What a silly comment.

I think the OP has a bad case of the blogs.

I was actually joking, @LoniceraJaponica because I find the attitude towards children from some childfree people as even more silly tbh. As I said, some adults behave like children whereas some children behave really nicely.

I'm not so keen on other people's toddlers, if I'm honest, I didn't find mine easy actually. That's why I asked the question about when children become acceptable members of society in your view? For me, I find other people's children much easier to deal with once they turn 4 or 5.

But I wasn't being serious, I'm surprised anyone would consider my comment as anything other than a joke.

@Jaygee61. Same here. We also chose, after trying so long, to accept a life without children. We made peace with it a long time ago, hope you have too.

I might just be unlucky, but this childfree life of mine (through no fault of ours), is scorned upon, because of parents asking us why we haven’t got children, which is hurtful enough, then they moan about how much children cost, thanks for that, we would have liked to have found that out for ourselves, then turn their attention to:

“All the free time we have, doing nothing”.
“All the disposable money we have, how rude” .

Yes, life is full of choices, but some of us didn’t get that choice.
So if you choose to be parents, that’s your choice, but don’t assume we all wanted the childfree life.
Also, if you chose to have children, it is insulting that you choose to then moan about the cost of bringing them up, to the person stood next to you, who can’t have children...
Aimed at nobody in particular, or maybe my DSIL, who knew we wanted children.....

But some people do get upset that you might not want to interact with their child. I made an active choice not to have them as it would be 'awful' for me personally. I also don't want to interact with other people's children (like when some parents ignore their own so the ignored child wanders around to other adults who are minding their own business. I politely point them back to their parents)

Sorry, I think I repeated myself in that last post.

That's called being insensitive, @ChocoHazelnutCroissant I'm afraid there's a lot of that around. It's the same way I felt once when I'd just been told I couldn't have children naturally and a friend spent a whole meal out with me telling me all about her morning sickness (she did know about it).

Op I don't know what the background to you feeling like this is. Maybe having kids is all you ever wanted and you feel like being a parent defines you- I don't know. It's obvious that you are angry about the fact that some people see being child free as a positive thing. Perhaps you feel that deep down anyone who doesn't have kids should feel incomplete in some way? Someone describing themselves as child free isn't a criticism of your choices, they're just saying that they're happy with their own (or that they don't want arsehole questions about their fertility).