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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let his mum be involved with our baby

218 replies

gta · 14/03/2018 10:00

DPs mum is an alcoholic but wont admit it
In September 2017 she was in hospital with liver disease, had horrendous jaundice, hair fell out etc she didn't respond to treatment in hospital and was told to basically go home and if she lived long enough to get a liver transplant , great ! but we should get ready for her to die .

So between September to the end of October everything was fab, she made an AMAZING recovery which even doctors were shocked at.
On her 50th birthday at the beginning of November she had 5 glasses of wine at the birthday meal. She has 7 children and we were all understandably very concerned when we saw this.
The next day she reassured my partner and his brother (the eldest out of the 7) that it was a one off and she wont be drinking again. We were all very stupid to believe this.
It has since gone from a one off on her birthday meal, to a one off on special occasions (Christmas, NYE, her DPs Birthday). She is the matriarch of the family and a very fiery woman and i think everyone has brushed it under the carpet in fear of starting an absolute shit storm with her.

Until on Mothers Day when me and my DP went round to see her and he basically lost the plot at her , she looked horrendous , her hair has started falling out again , she was bloated and puffy and stunk of alcohol. She admitted she was drinking a bit more than she should and told him she would pack it in. All good or so we thought.

After seeing his mum we nipped into town and bumped into my partners younger sister who is 18 where she told us she had found a bottle of vodka hidden behind the cleaning products and she had a sip of her mums "water" and it was actually vodka and she was very worried.

We went back to his mums house to confront her about this as she hadn't mentioned any vodka just she was drinking a bit too much wine on quiz night at the pub, on a friday night etc.
She wasnt in as she was out with her own mum , partner and his mum for a mothers day meal. My partner decided to search the house and go through the bottle bin where he found 33 LITRES OF EMPTY VODKA BOTTLES! and 11 BOTTLES OF WINE! the bin was last collected on the 22nd February!

There was a massive confrontation where my partner bagged up all the bottles and dumped them at her table in the restaurant where she was having her mothers day meal in the hope of shaming her into admitting she was an alcoholic and needed help.

When she was in hospital in September, my partner took a week off work and gutted her house as it was rancid, and was at the hospital every single day after work.
My partner has said he simply cant do it anymore that shes just causing us stress and until she can admit that shes an alcoholic and goes to AA meetings, the GP, whatever, then we need to cut contact and that includes when our baby is born early August.
She still wont admit to being an alcoholic and is trying to guilt us into talking to her/seeing her .
Are we being unreasonable ?!

OP posts:
Sarahjconnor · 14/03/2018 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedRedDogsBeg · 14/03/2018 10:03

Jesus! Leave the woman alone

It's her life to do with as she pleases

You two sound nuts!

MissEliza · 14/03/2018 10:04

My dm was an alcoholic and there was no way I'd have let her see my dcs (if they'd been around then). It's awful living with the lies and denial. Your poor do.

Blackteadrinker77 · 14/03/2018 10:06

You can't make someone stop drinking, they have to want to.

I wouldn't let a baby be with her unless she is sober and supervised.

hotcrossbunsandtea · 14/03/2018 10:07

Please don't let her be around your DC's in that state.

My grandma was an alcoholic and was frequently so out of it that she didn't recognise her own children. She wasn't violent but she stunk of booze, didn't know who we were or where she was and it was thoroughly upsetting and unpleasant to be around.

It's her life to do with as she pleases

Of course it is, but other people don't have to tolerate it. I would not want someone who happily drank themselves into a stupor around my children. They deserve more than that.

DullAndOld · 14/03/2018 10:07

" We went back to his mums house to confront her about this "

sorry but if I was an alcoholic and had people coming round like this, it would drive me mad.
As would someone 'coming round and gutting my house'.
It must be really hard for your partner, but he is going to have to leave her to it.
What about the 18 year old though? Does she have anywhere else to go?

logicalmum · 14/03/2018 10:08

I wouldn't cut contact, that's a bit cruel, and as long as you don't leave your baby with her try to support her.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 14/03/2018 10:09

I don't see why she shouldn't see the baby as long as she's sober and supervised as a pp said. Surely that can't hurt?

MissEliza · 14/03/2018 10:11

NotSuch because it's not always easy to be sure an alcoholic hasn't had a drink. They're very good at hiding it.

SpiritedLondon · 14/03/2018 10:12

Well what an awful situation for everyone, particularly your MIL who must be in the grip of the most terrible addiction to risk her life in this way. I think as well meaning as you are dumping the bottles on the table in
such a public place must have been most humiliating for her and potentially counter productive. Couldn’t he have waited until she got home. This isn’t a choice she’s making is it ? it’s a compulsion and an illness. I think the family should receive some support from an organisation like Al Anon who might be able to offer some guidance on techniques for helping her- which may or may not involve cutting contact and may assist you all

Takeoutyourhen · 14/03/2018 10:12

Could your baby be the kick up the backside she needs and actually acts upon?
Sure, no unsupervised visits. You will be with the baby at all times.

sophiepotato · 14/03/2018 10:12

I think you need to urge your DP to seek out Al Anon for support. It's understandable that he's desperate to stop his mum from drinking but sadly it's unlikely shaming or ultimatums will work.

If he needs for his own sanity to cut off contact then so be it but he should keep in touch with his siblings. 18 is really young to be handling this and his sister will need support.

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 14/03/2018 10:13

You took all the empty bottles and dumped them on the restaurant table?!?!?

As with any addiction you can't make them change, it has to come from them, trying to shame someone will more than likely result in them digging their heels in more.

Totally your choice about your baby, I wouldn't want to be around her myself

Greggers2017 · 14/03/2018 10:15

Alcohol addiction is an illness. She cannot just stop drinking when she is drinking the level that she is. She faces going into serious withdrawal, which can include having seizurrrs and even death. She needs to reduce her drink slowly and she will need support to do this. If she isn't ready all you can do is support her and point her in the right direction. Have you contacted the local drugs and alcohol service? Sometimes they also have an affected team which offers support for family and friends if people who have substance misuse issues. What area are you in?
All you and your partner can do is support her. Don't shame her, she will already be ashamed enough. Not one alcoholic I have worked with haven't been embarrassed or ashamed but they also have an addiction they need help with. The fact she's hiding the alcohol shows she is embarrassed.
I wouldn't tell her she cannot see the baby just that she can only see her when you or your partner take baby round.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 14/03/2018 10:16

What he did with the bottles was unnecessarily cruel and probably more likely to make her drink as the shame will drive her to blot it out.

He needs to approach her either via letter or in person and calmly tell her that until she has stopped drinking entirely he and his family cannot have a relationship with her.

DullAndOld · 14/03/2018 10:17

and sorry but if I had a son who thought so little of me that he would dump a bag of my empty bottles on a restaurant table during a mother's days meal (public shaming, nice) then frankly I would want a drink.
Would he have done that to his dad? I doubt it.
If you both don't want to leave your baby with a drinker, then fine, but stop the public shaming.
Honestly if I was with a partner who had this attitude to women, I would be worried.

JaneyEJones · 14/03/2018 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheHulksPurplePants · 14/03/2018 10:19

Sorry to suggest this OP, but do you honestly think she'll still be alive come August? If she already has liver problems and she's drinking that much, I doubt she'll last long enough for her being around your baby to be an issue.

GoldenHefalump · 14/03/2018 10:20

my partner bagged up all the bottles and dumped them at her table in the restaurant where she was having her mothers day meal

I just can't get past this. What a fucking awful, awful, cuntish thing to do. No sane person could think this would help.

RedRedDogsBeg · 14/03/2018 10:20

Is she going to be wanting to be 'involved' with the baby though?

OutyMcOutface · 14/03/2018 10:21

My mother was an alcoholic (drank her to death) the only times she was sober was after a health scare and never for long. It got to a point that I realised that she just wasn’t going to change. I did cut her out but that was because she was unkind, more do when she was drunk. If you want to stop contact for your own sake then go ahead. If you are doing it in an attempt to get her to stop drinking then it won’t work. SHE hasn’t got long left. Death can come very suddenly, I would know. Only do this if you can live with the last months of her life being like this.

UtterlyRainbowed · 14/03/2018 10:21

I do think the bottles on the table was unnecessary and cruel. I understand in the heat of the moment why he felt the need to be so extreme but it was cruel.

If you feel it's best for you to go NC with her then do so. Don't feel guilty. Just ignore. I think that is probably for the best given his extreme reaction to her.

His siblings will need support though; particularly the eighteen year old. Perhaps you can do somethings with her and ensure she has support as that environment can't be good for her nor can the breakdown in familial relationships xxx

Original poster
gta · 14/03/2018 10:21

The 18 year old is finding it really hard but unfortunately has nowhere else to go, she is at uni and is at school placement as she's training to be a teacher, she can't go to her dads as he is also an alcoholic and has been drinking with her mum in the day on the sly !!
She didn't reply to her mum's text the other day and her mum text her saying her dads dead to get her to ring her ! She must have been pissed when she did this !
My dps is finding it really hard, he had Monday and Tuesday off work as his head has just gone and says if he doesn't cut contact he's going to be a mess if she carries on like this and he needs to look after us when the baby is here as we're more important than his mum's poor choices. It's just so hard

OP posts:
RedRedDogsBeg · 14/03/2018 10:22

And be careful op..... your DH sounds a controlling abusive arsehole!

How did the restaurant staff and other customers react to that public display of idiocy?

Original poster
gta · 14/03/2018 10:23

My partners dad is dead due to alcoholism, as is his grandad, his uncle is basically a vegetable due to drink as well, and his step dad is an alcoholic. The family is riddled with alcoholics

OP posts:
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