to not let his mum be involved with our baby

[gta]

DPs mum is an alcoholic but wont admit it
In September 2017 she was in hospital with liver disease, had horrendous jaundice, hair fell out etc she didn't respond to treatment in hospital and was told to basically go home and if she lived long enough to get a liver transplant , great ! but we should get ready for her to die .

So between September to the end of October everything was fab, she made an AMAZING recovery which even doctors were shocked at.
On her 50th birthday at the beginning of November she had 5 glasses of wine at the birthday meal. She has 7 children and we were all understandably very concerned when we saw this.
The next day she reassured my partner and his brother (the eldest out of the 7) that it was a one off and she wont be drinking again. We were all very stupid to believe this.
It has since gone from a one off on her birthday meal, to a one off on special occasions (Christmas, NYE, her DPs Birthday). She is the matriarch of the family and a very fiery woman and i think everyone has brushed it under the carpet in fear of starting an absolute shit storm with her.

Until on Mothers Day when me and my DP went round to see her and he basically lost the plot at her , she looked horrendous , her hair has started falling out again , she was bloated and puffy and stunk of alcohol. She admitted she was drinking a bit more than she should and told him she would pack it in. All good or so we thought.

After seeing his mum we nipped into town and bumped into my partners younger sister who is 18 where she told us she had found a bottle of vodka hidden behind the cleaning products and she had a sip of her mums "water" and it was actually vodka and she was very worried.

We went back to his mums house to confront her about this as she hadn't mentioned any vodka just she was drinking a bit too much wine on quiz night at the pub, on a friday night etc.
She wasnt in as she was out with her own mum , partner and his mum for a mothers day meal. My partner decided to search the house and go through the bottle bin where he found 33 LITRES OF EMPTY VODKA BOTTLES! and 11 BOTTLES OF WINE! the bin was last collected on the 22nd February!

There was a massive confrontation where my partner bagged up all the bottles and dumped them at her table in the restaurant where she was having her mothers day meal in the hope of shaming her into admitting she was an alcoholic and needed help.

When she was in hospital in September, my partner took a week off work and gutted her house as it was rancid, and was at the hospital every single day after work.
My partner has said he simply cant do it anymore that shes just causing us stress and until she can admit that shes an alcoholic and goes to AA meetings, the GP, whatever, then we need to cut contact and that includes when our baby is born early August.
She still wont admit to being an alcoholic and is trying to guilt us into talking to her/seeing her .
Are we being unreasonable ?!

diddl, sadly not. But there's nothing anyone can do to stop an alcoholic drinking - it's all down to them and their resilience. You just have to hope that somewhere inside the shambling car-crash that they've become something of the person they once were still exists and, if that something re-emerges (however briefly), you can catch it and work with it...

OP's husband did the wrong thing- shock interventions don't work. But he's not the first to try it and he won't be the last.

But have some fucking compassion, some of you. Misogyny? Just because you know long words doesn't mean you're using them correctly.

Let me spell this out in small words. His father is already dead, from alcoholism. Think about what that feels like. All the second-guessing, all the 'if I'd tried harder, maybe he would still be here". He is about to have a child himself, and before his child is even born, the baby is one grandparent down.

Oh, but it doesn't stop there. His mother is an alcoholic, so he has to go through it all again, unless she recovers. In September, he thought she was going to. But now she is slipping back and, as usual, in total denial about it. Personally, I can't imagine how awful it must feel to think your mother has turned a corner and then see her start killing herself again.

But it's all to play for, because she's not dead yet...

If that was you, what wouldn't you do to keep your mother alive?

"if that something re-emerges (however briefly), you can catch it and work with it..."

I think also though there are times when you have to think of yourself & your family & walk away.

The two youngest boys live with their dad (my DPs ex step dad) my DP rang social services on Monday and informed them of what was going on as their dad is an alcoholic too and the boys regularly find him knocked out on tge kitchen floor when they get home from school.
The 18 year old that lives with MIL fortunately isn't around much as she's on placement in the day and then is out with her boyfriend and friends come weekend or night time. We have no space for her to live with us as we live in a small 2 bed flat and will have less space when baby is here . We have told her if it's unbearable she can always kip on our sofa for a few nights

I grew up in a family with alcoholics. It really screws up your thinking and ability to relate to others. Your DP cannot fix his mother, only she can do that. The incident in the restaurant was very wrong, but it was done out of desperation and what's done is done.

I think a period of NC would be a good idea. Your DP needs to work on detachment and on building healthy relationships himself. You also don't want the unhealthy dynamics of an alcoholic/co-dependent relationship to transfer themselves to your DC.

As others said, try Al Anon for support, break contact for a while at least and ignore the manipulation to draw you back in. I read "Co-Dependent No More" years ago when I started dealing with my family experiences and it really resonated with me. If your DP likes reading, I found it a good place to start.

I find the implied excusing of the alcoholic parent in order to call OPs partner cruel completely unnecessary and cruel in and of itself. Clearly this is a young man expecting a baby desperately not wanting his mother to drink herself to death like so many others in his family. Has no one else ever acted rashly because they were upset or frustrated or scared?

I’m not sure what I’d do OP, you’re between a rock and a hard place. I think the only thing you can do, if you and your partner are strong enough, is to play it day to day. Otherwise, NC as it’s too painful.

I don't think what you did re the bottles is awful , it's a desperate measure by someone who is watching his mother slowly
Kill herself. Addiction is a complicated illness and can only be helped if the addict wants the help.

I can understand your partners desperation.

I think this is what people are missing. No, his actions weren’t great but they were the result of desperation at seeing someone he loves destroying herself and taking the family down with her.

OP I think you a right to cut ties, or at the very least distance yourself greatly. I wouldn’t want an alcoholic grandparent around my child.

Those poor boys seeing and living with that. And they are just trapped there. What do SS say about them living with him? This is how the cycle just seems to run and run in families and its just so bloody sad. I'm glad your dp is trying to protect his own family from it.

My partner agrees what he did wasn't the way to go about it he did it out of pure desperation because he loves his mum and can't understand why she would want to go the same way as her 1st husband , father and her brother

I think people only really understand if they have been around an addict, it's so easy to dish out advice and be judgemental. If family members have lived with this sort of situation for years it's not surprising that they resort to desperate actions , they are often at their wits end with frustration and worry .

diddl, I totally agree. I've had to walk away from a dear friend who's drinking themselves to death by degrees and I'd still advise anyone with an alcoholic dependent - and this sounds pretty hypocritical, given how I was helped - to think of themselves above anyone else. Grim but necessary.

Gta I no a lot of families in this situation and there isn't many I can think of that haven't resulted in desperate, anger and hurt fuelled yet inevitably fruitless shock tactics. Seriously the posters calling him names over this are obviously completely devoid of empathy and have never been in such a horrible and twisted family dynamic.

Going against the grain here, having been around an addict when I was younger, I totally understand the OP’s husband. Having severe asthma, diabetes, cancer etc are illnesses. Putting a drunk en par with that boils my pee! Poor drunk mum being shamed at the restaurant…?! Are you serious? What about a childhood devastated by a selfish addict who absolves themselves from any blame or responsibility and emotionally blackmailing their kids to facilitate their drinking! I would absolutely cut someone off after having invested so much time, energy and heart ache. And there be no way they would ever be around my children!

you can't force her. the restaurant thing sounds bizarre/cruel/pointless.

i wouldn't have my children around her, no.

Seriously the posters calling him names over this are obviously completely devoid of empathy and have never been in such a horrible and twisted family dynamic.

Agreed.

I think you and your husbands reaction was a disgrace and would drive someone further to drink

No. Thats a cop out for the alcoholic "its everyone elses fault I drink." Takes away personal responsibility.

Some of the comments about OPs DH here are absolutely disgusting. No-one has said dumping the empty bottles was a good thing. But clearly hes at the end of his tether. He wouldn't have done it if he didnt care. Have any of the posters criticising him for this had to watch someone they love drink themselves to death and still refuse to admit they have a problem, I would doubt it.

The attacks on the DP are uncalled for. As is the insinuation that this is somehow to do with the DP’s feelings towards women. WTF is there always one who has to turn this into a feminist argument?

Ultimately everyone has their breaking point and I imagine that living with someone with addiction is invariably going to lead to something like this in the end,

Reality though OP is that even being told she is going to die wasn’t enough to make her want to stop drinking, so although I can absolutely understand your dp’s frustrations and do not judge his actions, he needs to look after himself in all this, and if possible cut her out completely. In fact i would make this like a grieving process where to him she is already dead, iyswim. But one of the professional organisations will be able to help wth this.

And for those wanting the DP to be supportive, the person he should be supporting is himself. He’s not responsible for her behaviour, or for the fact that she is addicted. She is. And while addiction may be an illness, it’s still something someone can choose to do something about, and in the absence of those choices, the victims of that addiction shouldn’t have to stand by and watch without saying a word.

'I can’t believe the people calling the OPs DH abusive and calling for them to have a bit more understanding. Jesus Christ. She’s an alcoholic.'

‘Why can't you believe it? She was with other people at the restaurant, do you think they deserved to be caught up in his display?

Yes she's an alcoholic. Many people have the horrible experience of dealing with the situation. I don't feel sorry for his DM I feel sorry for her DC, but all you can do is distance yourself from the manipulation and seek support for yourself.‘

I’m not saying dumping those bottles on the table was a good move - of course not. But from what the OP says, he wasn’t doing it to be abusive or bullying, but to shock her into some kind of action. Clearly not the right thing to do at all.

Of course detaching is the way to go, but it takes time before the family of an addict to come to that realisation and to realise that you can’t fix them, or prod them or shock them or guilt them into action. To let go of ideas like ‘maybe when the baby comes, she’ll get her act together’ or ‘maybe if I show her just how many bottles she’s been hiding, she’ll come to her senses.’

I think it’s only when the OPs H is completely at the end of his tether - as his actions would suggest he is - that he will be able to detach. Otherwise, you’re left with guilt that you could have or should have done more...that you could have fixed it.

My mum has been going through this with her brother. Strongly advise he goes to a support group for relatives of alcoholics. Has made a massive difference for my poor mum to realise what she has control over and not

No the restaurant thing does not sound cruel when you read the thread and see that he has lost several close family members to alcoholism, and just found out his mother is hurtling down the same road too.

Sadly though there is very little you can do. See her if you want to, don't if you don't. There's little point in punishing her at this point. Either spend time with her and the baby for your sakes, or stay away if that's easier.

If she would admit she has a problem and asked for help we would be there for her but even after the problem literally being dumped in front of her with nowhere to run and hide she still won't admit it !
Luckily despite what they have all seen my DP and his older brother have turned out well and his younger siblings are on the right track But I know there's still time for one of them to go off the rails , especially if his DM dies

To those who say OP and her family should still see the MIL: I have heard from several alcoholics that it was loosing their families that made them realize they have a problem. Untill then, they figure that if the family will still see them, if "everybody are still friends" then what's the problem? My alcoholic uncle was not abusive, but still managed to ruin several Christmases and birthday parties, my DB's and my confirmations. I would have loved our family to go NC with him, but instead I helped my mum clean his appartment after the neighbours had complained about insects coming from his place. We went three times x several hours work, before it looked acceptable. My dad couldn't understand why we did it. "Surely, that is his problem?" To which my mum asked him where he thought her DB would show up if he got evicted?

Please don't involve her in your child's life. Go NC, block her in every way

Alcohol addiction is an illness. this
Nobody in their 'right mind' chooses to be an alcoholic. Alcholics and drug addicts die every day because they cant control their addiction.
You both can choose not to support her addiction but using your child as a form of coersion against their grandmother is just unnecessary and only serves to hurt her.