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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let his mum be involved with our baby

218 replies

gta · 14/03/2018 10:00

DPs mum is an alcoholic but wont admit it
In September 2017 she was in hospital with liver disease, had horrendous jaundice, hair fell out etc she didn't respond to treatment in hospital and was told to basically go home and if she lived long enough to get a liver transplant , great ! but we should get ready for her to die .

So between September to the end of October everything was fab, she made an AMAZING recovery which even doctors were shocked at.
On her 50th birthday at the beginning of November she had 5 glasses of wine at the birthday meal. She has 7 children and we were all understandably very concerned when we saw this.
The next day she reassured my partner and his brother (the eldest out of the 7) that it was a one off and she wont be drinking again. We were all very stupid to believe this.
It has since gone from a one off on her birthday meal, to a one off on special occasions (Christmas, NYE, her DPs Birthday). She is the matriarch of the family and a very fiery woman and i think everyone has brushed it under the carpet in fear of starting an absolute shit storm with her.

Until on Mothers Day when me and my DP went round to see her and he basically lost the plot at her , she looked horrendous , her hair has started falling out again , she was bloated and puffy and stunk of alcohol. She admitted she was drinking a bit more than she should and told him she would pack it in. All good or so we thought.

After seeing his mum we nipped into town and bumped into my partners younger sister who is 18 where she told us she had found a bottle of vodka hidden behind the cleaning products and she had a sip of her mums "water" and it was actually vodka and she was very worried.

We went back to his mums house to confront her about this as she hadn't mentioned any vodka just she was drinking a bit too much wine on quiz night at the pub, on a friday night etc.
She wasnt in as she was out with her own mum , partner and his mum for a mothers day meal. My partner decided to search the house and go through the bottle bin where he found 33 LITRES OF EMPTY VODKA BOTTLES! and 11 BOTTLES OF WINE! the bin was last collected on the 22nd February!

There was a massive confrontation where my partner bagged up all the bottles and dumped them at her table in the restaurant where she was having her mothers day meal in the hope of shaming her into admitting she was an alcoholic and needed help.

When she was in hospital in September, my partner took a week off work and gutted her house as it was rancid, and was at the hospital every single day after work.
My partner has said he simply cant do it anymore that shes just causing us stress and until she can admit that shes an alcoholic and goes to AA meetings, the GP, whatever, then we need to cut contact and that includes when our baby is born early August.
She still wont admit to being an alcoholic and is trying to guilt us into talking to her/seeing her .
Are we being unreasonable ?!

OP posts:
JaneyEJones · 14/03/2018 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UtterlyRainbowed · 14/03/2018 10:24

Cross post. Has he ever publicly shamed his Dad in this way? Is his Dad going to be allowed around your DC or are you already NC with him?

pictish · 14/03/2018 10:26

What on Earth do you hope to achieve by banning her from contact with her grandchild? To punish her? Weird approach to take if you ask me (and you did ask me) - seems rather malicious on your part, as does your partner dumping all her empties on a restaurant table on Mother’s Day to shame her!

I understand that her self-destruction is causing utmost dismay but trust me, this is not the way to go about dealing with her. Not whatsoever. Get a hold of yourselves.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 14/03/2018 10:27

I'm assuming all they people saying you just have to support her or to mind your own business have never been the child of an alcoholic. I'm 30 now and it doesn't matter that I'm not a child anymore. Having an alcoholic parent is horrendous. Op to save your own sanity I would honestly 100% cut her off. She's hardly going to change if she is this age and won't even admit it. I completely understand why your dp did what he did with the bottles. Feeling like you don't know what else to do. Like you have only shock tactics left to try and get them to see what is so obvious to everyone else. That feeling of frustration, helplessness and anger. It's completely normal. Unfortunately because my parent now has a 2yr old I can't cut them off but by God my life round be a lot easier if I could. It's the constant bubbling of anxiety that you constantly live with. They worry if they are drinking or not. Follow your dp lead but I would cut your losses.

OohMavis · 14/03/2018 10:28

my partner bagged up all the bottles and dumped them at her table in the restaurant where she was having her mothers day meal

Please tell me you're exaggerating with this. Who does he think he is?

She's drinking herself to death and he's worried and upset, but really? She's mentally ill, alcohol addiction is a disease, and during a meal that she was supposed to be surrounded by supportive, loving family he dumped empty bottles in front of her in public?

No, don't ban her from meeting your baby. When someone is a in a hole they need a rope to pull them out of it.

TheHulksPurplePants · 14/03/2018 10:28

Jeez people, I think you might be being a bit harsh about the DP. No it wasn't the wisest move, but God, he must feel like he has no options. His DM is going to drink herself to death and he found 44 empty bottles of booze from a 10 day period. That's 4 bottles a day!

3 bottles of hard liquor!!!

Where the hell are all the people who clutch their pearls at people who drink a bottle of wine a night? Hmm

Original poster
gta · 14/03/2018 10:28

Dumping the bottles probably wasn't the best but my partner said he wanted to shock her into admitting she had a problem .
He saw his family go through so much because of alcohol and he just was at the end of her tether . He does feel guilty about it but she still won't admit she has a problem even after 33 litres of vodka !

OP posts:
UtterlyRainbowed · 14/03/2018 10:29

Cross posted again, sorry. If that's the case you may want to keep an eye on how much your partner drinks.

I understand the need to protect your baby so just walk away. Don't dither. Either completely cut her off or make an effort to repair the relationship. No half measures.

How awful for his poor sister. She really needs all the support possible.

Original poster
gta · 14/03/2018 10:30

Yes MrsRyanGosling that is exactly what he was saying that he didn't know what else to do to make her see . So many of his family have died have alcohol problems.
Her youngest child is only 13!

OP posts:
DullAndOld · 14/03/2018 10:31

it's not about 'pearl clutching' it's about even addicts being humans with feelings.
Probably the partner needs therapy after being raised by alcoholic parents, but publicly humiliating his ill mother on mother's day, in quite a violent way, is surely not the way forward.

JaneyEJones · 14/03/2018 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Starlive22 · 14/03/2018 10:32

Oh OP I really sympathise with you, my dad was the same and it's a nightmare sifting through the lies, wanting to believe them and then feeling stupid. Sounds like you have already been supportive, keep doing that as she needs you and your partner whether she likes to admit it or not.

I don't think YABU at all, I wouldn't let an alcoholic around a child.

Good luck I really hope it works out, it's an awful situation, it consumes everything. Such a shame x

DullAndOld · 14/03/2018 10:32

and saying that he 'wanted to shock her' is (probably) bullshit, he wanted to humiliate her.

Barbadosgirl · 14/03/2018 10:32

I am going to go against the grain of most of the posters on here. I have seen first hand how alcoholism scars children and grandchildren and can cause mental health issues for family members. If your DP cannot take it any more and wants to cut Contact you should support him. I do get that it is an illness but as with any illness there is an element of choice in terms of seeking treatment. Shocking her by dumping the bottles may not have been a good move but I think what most of the posters are missing is that your partner may not have done it to be "cunty" but as a reflection of how scared, angry and desperate he is. Sounds like he is really struggling and needs to step back.

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 14/03/2018 10:34

I don't see why she shouldn't see the baby as long as she's sober and supervised as a pp said. Surely that can't hurt?

As the daughter of an alcoholic, we made rules like that. They don't fucking work! No drinking in my house - so she'd turn up drunk. No turning up drunk - she'd sneak drink in. Or she'd arrive stoned up on Librium. And she could never remember what she said or done on a visit anyway so it was utterly pointless.

No, don't ban her from meeting your baby. When someone is a in a hole they need a rope to pull them out of it Nope, it doesn't work like that either.

She's not going to change, so you and your DP need to. No more clearing up, no more getting bothered by this. Just walk and leave her to it. If she ever gets clean she knows where you are.

TheHulksPurplePants · 14/03/2018 10:34

it's not about 'pearl clutching' it's about even addicts being humans with feelings.
Probably the partner needs therapy after being raised by alcoholic parents, but publicly humiliating his ill mother on mother's day, in quite a violent way, is surely not the way forward.

No, not the way forward, but surely understandable when you're watching someone you love slowly kill themselves. It's not like he smack her in the face with them! Calling him abusive and controlling like PP is a bit much.

frumpety · 14/03/2018 10:34

Honestly OP ? She will most likely be dead before your baby arrives Sad

hotcrossbunsandtea · 14/03/2018 10:35

No, your DP's behaviour wasn't the best, but my God his life is riddled with alcohols and he must feel so helpless.

My experience of having alcoholics in the family is that it affects everyone. Both my dad's parents drank and were violent as a result - and him and his siblings are still suffering the effects today. My grandad lived into his nineties but he was permanently drunk - it was horrible to see and be around, especially as a child when I simply didn't understand.

Alcoholics are liars. They sneak around behind your back, occasionally steal so they can buy more booze - it's thoroughly unpleasant and being a child raised in a family of drunks must have had a HUGE affect on your partner, OP. His behaviour is far from perfect but his family sound a real mess. I sympathise with him. I don't see a controlling abusive man - I see someone who has seen half his family die from alcohol, and who is stuck helplessly watching while his mother goes the same way.

robindeer · 14/03/2018 10:35

Don't leave your baby with her (obviously) but don't shut her out of your lives. She won't be here much longer and the joy a baby brings is unparalleled. Let her enjoy seeing her grandchild and you two try to enjoy what time you have with her without trying to cure her. Trust me, it won't work. Only she can make that choice. Forgive her, she really can't help it. Alcoholism is a fucking terrible disease. Flowers for your dp.

diddl · 14/03/2018 10:35

If her son doesn't like or can't cope with his mum's behaviour-why shouldn't he go NC?

He needs to think of himself & his new family.

It is all so entrenched I'd be glad of him walking away rather than getting enmeshed in it all.

DullAndOld · 14/03/2018 10:36

frumpety is right, she will be dead soon anyway. Sounds harsh, but it's true.

Lifeisabeach09 · 14/03/2018 10:36

You are going to have to leave her to it. She doesn't want to be helped.
However, something needs to be done about the 13 year old assuming the child is living with her (or did I misread?)

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 14/03/2018 10:36

RedRed do you have an alcoholic in your family? Hmm

DalekDalekDalek · 14/03/2018 10:37

Sounds like the time has come for you to put yourself, your DP and your baby first. You can't force her to change and get help. If she wants to get help she will but that has to be her decision. I think you are doing the right thing as tough as that might be.
Try to be there for your DP's siblings though, don't lose contact with them just because you need to step back from her.

RedRedDogsBeg · 14/03/2018 10:37

Is she actually making plans which involve this baby? Or are you imagining she will be wanting it overnight/asking to take the child out etc?

I mean, is she actually bothered or are you running ahead of yourselves thinking she will be?

She sounds wrapped up in her own world..... a new baby in the family isn't going to rock her world that much is it?