to not let his mum be involved with our baby

[gta]

DPs mum is an alcoholic but wont admit it
In September 2017 she was in hospital with liver disease, had horrendous jaundice, hair fell out etc she didn't respond to treatment in hospital and was told to basically go home and if she lived long enough to get a liver transplant , great ! but we should get ready for her to die .

So between September to the end of October everything was fab, she made an AMAZING recovery which even doctors were shocked at.
On her 50th birthday at the beginning of November she had 5 glasses of wine at the birthday meal. She has 7 children and we were all understandably very concerned when we saw this.
The next day she reassured my partner and his brother (the eldest out of the 7) that it was a one off and she wont be drinking again. We were all very stupid to believe this.
It has since gone from a one off on her birthday meal, to a one off on special occasions (Christmas, NYE, her DPs Birthday). She is the matriarch of the family and a very fiery woman and i think everyone has brushed it under the carpet in fear of starting an absolute shit storm with her.

Until on Mothers Day when me and my DP went round to see her and he basically lost the plot at her , she looked horrendous , her hair has started falling out again , she was bloated and puffy and stunk of alcohol. She admitted she was drinking a bit more than she should and told him she would pack it in. All good or so we thought.

After seeing his mum we nipped into town and bumped into my partners younger sister who is 18 where she told us she had found a bottle of vodka hidden behind the cleaning products and she had a sip of her mums "water" and it was actually vodka and she was very worried.

We went back to his mums house to confront her about this as she hadn't mentioned any vodka just she was drinking a bit too much wine on quiz night at the pub, on a friday night etc.
She wasnt in as she was out with her own mum , partner and his mum for a mothers day meal. My partner decided to search the house and go through the bottle bin where he found 33 LITRES OF EMPTY VODKA BOTTLES! and 11 BOTTLES OF WINE! the bin was last collected on the 22nd February!

There was a massive confrontation where my partner bagged up all the bottles and dumped them at her table in the restaurant where she was having her mothers day meal in the hope of shaming her into admitting she was an alcoholic and needed help.

When she was in hospital in September, my partner took a week off work and gutted her house as it was rancid, and was at the hospital every single day after work.
My partner has said he simply cant do it anymore that shes just causing us stress and until she can admit that shes an alcoholic and goes to AA meetings, the GP, whatever, then we need to cut contact and that includes when our baby is born early August.
She still wont admit to being an alcoholic and is trying to guilt us into talking to her/seeing her .
Are we being unreasonable ?!

I'm in shock over how your partner ridiculed his mum in public like that? She needs help not getting berated in public.

@Saz1995 You're not in shock over how she behaved at his birthday party? Or at how he was left with a dead body for 3 hours at the age of 6?

Maybe put your shock to one side and read the updates before writing such a stupid, knee jerk reaction.

She has had loads of help and it has made no difference. If I behaved like that as a parent I'd think I was getting off lightly at having my empty vodka bottles emptied over my table.

"She needs help not getting berated in public."

Yes-so perhaps best if Op & her son step away until she has had help?
(If she wants to of course.)

Poor poor woman. She's gripped by addiction, she's living with the knowledge that she can die, she's struggling with her changed appearance due to an illness she can't control...and her son publicly humiliated we on the one day she has in the year that celebrates her role as a mother.

He needs to apologise and he needs to seek counselling to help him to come to terms with her illness. She doesn't control alcohol. It controls her.

Please don't use her grandchild as a weapon. Be there to supervise your baby. Give her something to aim for. But stop being angry with her. Yes she's killing herself. And she knows the risk. But addiction is a terrible thing to live with

I'm assuming the posters who are being harsh on the OP's dp have never lived with an alcoholic parent. Lucky them.
Op your dp has the right to prioritise his own little family now. The only thing he must do is let his siblings know he is there for them and tell his mother that if she tries to tackle her addiction, he will support her. However a new baby means a fresh start and I think your dp has the right to say he no longer wants to deal with his mother while she's drinking.

Can the 18 year old come live with you and your husband?

Really sad story. My husband and I both have alcoholism in our families, and it really does push you to the brink so I understand your DP was at his wits end.

When we had our first child, my husband told his dad that if he wanted any involvement with our new baby he would have to stop drinking. No excuses. And my husband is very black and white so he meant it. I'm happy to say that it worked and he has been going to AA meetings ever since and is a wonderful grandfather.

I'm not saying this would happen in the same way for you but I do 100% think you should take that same approach. Tell her if she wants to be a part of this next chapter in your life then she gets sober.

All you posters laying into the OP and her partner for their actions have no - I repeat, no - understanding of alcoholism, either from the alcoholic's standpoint or that of their friends and family.

I do. A dear grandmother and somebody else I'm very close to - a family member. I had support from Al Anon for a while. They wouldn't have advocated the taking of the bottles to the restaurant. I think that's appalling.

I'm in shock over how your partner ridiculed his mum in public like that? She needs help not getting berated in public.

Is anyone close to you an addict? Do you know what it is like to have an addict as a parent? How many times do you think OP's partner has been hurt, embarrassed, let down, scared, lied to, used, manipulated, attacked over the years? Because I'm telling you, and all the other ignorant shitheads on this thread berating OP and her DP, it will be times beyond counting. It's oh so easy for you lot to sit on your high horses and judge the actions of a desperate son who has been dealing with this for years and who is watching his mother drink herself to death and hurt a lot of people in the process.

His mother is selfish and deserved it. Addiction is a disease, but it’s one she could choose to get help with and isn’t. Of course they shouldn’t have her in their child’s life!

@RhubarbYoghurt - read the full thread.

The original poster has already said that it is not possible to have the 18 year old live with them, she has also elaborated on the mother-in-law's behaviour a few times, for example:

"at DPs birthday party 2 years ago she got blind drunk and started taking her clothes off in front of all friends family and work colleagues and got aggressive when told to pack it in, she can't remember a thing. She is literally out of control

He has had a shit time and a shit childhood due to his parents poor decisions and alcohol . My DP was 6 when his dad had an alcohol related stroke and died. My DP was left with his body for 3 hours until his mum came home . I feel sorry for him. It's ruined his family"

Would you be happy for your child to grow up seeing this kind of thing?

No, don't ban her from meeting your baby. When someone is a in a hole they need a rope to pull them out of it

Babies are not rope.

No, don't ban her from meeting your baby. When someone is a in a hole they need a rope to pull them out of it

If you give a desperate addict some rope, they'll hang themselves with it.

They have to want to help themselves, or offering them help is pointless.

I'm so sorry that you are both having to deal with this at a time when you should just be excited about your new baby, OP.

Your partner seems to have reached the end of his coping abilities after years and years of just about managing. The restaurant incident was awful, but I don't think he was thinking beyond having to do something to stop his mother from killing herself. There is no shame or blame in that.

He needs to seek support for himself, because he cannot save his mother. Allowing her contact with the baby will just provide your partner with another source of stress and guilt. Addicts are manipulative and she will use any chance she gets. Don't allow her that. There are people like AlAnon who are experts in these situations and can really help him.

She has made and destroyed her own family, and I think that yours needs to find its own way without her. There will be pain and guilt, but there would be much worse if you maintained contact.

Your DP needs your support. His actions, though possibly extreme are based on years of pain seeing his DM like this.

Get him to look at Al Anon.

There is also an alcoholic section of MN somewhere in Health I think. You will get better informed advice there.

If someone started a thread saying my husband and I are longstanding alcoholics well he’s dead now due to alcohol, social services who have full care of our baby have now said that I cannot have any contact as I cannot face up to my drinking nor admit there is a problem.

How many of you would say “ohhhhhh that’s so horrible poor you,they should let you use the baby as a reason to get well, what are those silly fuckers thinking protecting the baby from you, it’s an illness don’t you know”

Fennel they may not advocate it but they would sure as hell understand and sympathise with it. The naivety and ignorance of some people is astounding.

The baby is not being used as a weapon. The baby is being protected. Having grown up with an alcoholic, he wants a better environment for his dd.

It sounds like this woman has embarrassed her family far more than the OP’s partner could embarrass her. She was probably already drunk.

I've not read the whole thread. My inlaws are alcoholics. They lived abroad, and when there was a particularly bad moment he went over and discovered countless empty bottles of wine and vodka, possibly of a similar amount you found OP, which they had drunk in less than a month. My dh videoed it all for evidence, and to try and make them realise just what they were doing. Sadly, nothing changed.

My MIL died last year and prior to her death she became even more of a bitter and twisted person than she had been all the time I had known her, and from what my dh and siblings said, their whole childhood.
My dh did not mourn her passing. I was sad for what he and his siblings should have had for a childhood.

My FIL is now alone, phoning all the time, claiming he is not drinking, about how he is so much fitter and will be coming to visit soon. All the while he is slurring his words, repeating himself during the conversation. Usually he has forgotten he phoned the night before when he calls in the morning and says the same thing again.

I don't really have any suggestions to help you and your dh OP, just that sadly you are not alone. Alcoholism is an illness but it can only be treated if the person in question wants to be treated

A dear grandmother and somebody else I'm very close to - a family member. I had support from Al Anon for a while. They wouldn't have advocated the taking of the bottles to the restaurant. I think that's appalling.

My mum was a very serious alcoholic and eventually died, (in her fifties), of an alcoholic cardiomyopathy. Anyway, at one point someone from the AA who we knew personally as well, did come round to the house, got out all the empty bottles she’d hidden in the wardrobe and lined them up on the mantelpiece. Not as public as the op obviously, but this person from the AA seemed to think it was a good idea.

Tbh, you can’t win with alcoholics. I was mainly kind and loving towards my mum after a while of trying to get her to stop, as I realised I couldn’t do much to change her. One of my sisters was bloody horrible to her till the day she died. Now she’s horrible to our dad instead though, so I sometimes wonder if she just enjoys being horrible... that’s another thread though! I have posted on here before about it and been accused of being an enabler, because I wasn’t hard enough on my mum. You really can’t win.

Neither approach ‘cured’ her bye (quite obviously).

*btw

MIL often forgets what she's said. Before this all kicked off she rang me every day for 4 days and repeated the same conversation that lasted roughly an hour .
DP is a mess today as he has had more voicemails off her begging him to come round after work. She doesn't do this to her eldest son, he seems to have detached himself from the situation

We can not judge on MN why your dp flipped like this, but maybe it is years and years of hurt and upset coming to the surface. If he is not normally like this I think it is safe to say he is feeling desperate and fearful his mother will die, and soon.

How awful for him to be effectively watching her slowly commit suicide?

I can't think how he is supposed to react, but I am pretty sure it is a horrible place to be emotionally.

Quietly support your dp with his choice about nc and/or seeing the baby. The baby is the priority and it would be wise to stay away from anyone unstable.
There is not much you can do to change things, but you can look after the younger members of the family, and be a solid place of comfort then things inevitably take a turn for the worse.

Your dp needs to focus on all the positive things that are happening, and try and see a counsellor if possible.

Oh and btw I would have only allowed the lowest of supervised contact between my mum and my dcs, if she’d still been alive and drinking by the time they were born. She had actually quit drinking (for a little while at least) by the time she died.