to not let his mum be involved with our baby

[gta]

DPs mum is an alcoholic but wont admit it
In September 2017 she was in hospital with liver disease, had horrendous jaundice, hair fell out etc she didn't respond to treatment in hospital and was told to basically go home and if she lived long enough to get a liver transplant , great ! but we should get ready for her to die .

So between September to the end of October everything was fab, she made an AMAZING recovery which even doctors were shocked at.
On her 50th birthday at the beginning of November she had 5 glasses of wine at the birthday meal. She has 7 children and we were all understandably very concerned when we saw this.
The next day she reassured my partner and his brother (the eldest out of the 7) that it was a one off and she wont be drinking again. We were all very stupid to believe this.
It has since gone from a one off on her birthday meal, to a one off on special occasions (Christmas, NYE, her DPs Birthday). She is the matriarch of the family and a very fiery woman and i think everyone has brushed it under the carpet in fear of starting an absolute shit storm with her.

Until on Mothers Day when me and my DP went round to see her and he basically lost the plot at her , she looked horrendous , her hair has started falling out again , she was bloated and puffy and stunk of alcohol. She admitted she was drinking a bit more than she should and told him she would pack it in. All good or so we thought.

After seeing his mum we nipped into town and bumped into my partners younger sister who is 18 where she told us she had found a bottle of vodka hidden behind the cleaning products and she had a sip of her mums "water" and it was actually vodka and she was very worried.

We went back to his mums house to confront her about this as she hadn't mentioned any vodka just she was drinking a bit too much wine on quiz night at the pub, on a friday night etc.
She wasnt in as she was out with her own mum , partner and his mum for a mothers day meal. My partner decided to search the house and go through the bottle bin where he found 33 LITRES OF EMPTY VODKA BOTTLES! and 11 BOTTLES OF WINE! the bin was last collected on the 22nd February!

There was a massive confrontation where my partner bagged up all the bottles and dumped them at her table in the restaurant where she was having her mothers day meal in the hope of shaming her into admitting she was an alcoholic and needed help.

When she was in hospital in September, my partner took a week off work and gutted her house as it was rancid, and was at the hospital every single day after work.
My partner has said he simply cant do it anymore that shes just causing us stress and until she can admit that shes an alcoholic and goes to AA meetings, the GP, whatever, then we need to cut contact and that includes when our baby is born early August.
She still wont admit to being an alcoholic and is trying to guilt us into talking to her/seeing her .
Are we being unreasonable ?!

I did perfectly I just cross posted. Twice

Op my mother was an alcoholic from when I was 11 years old until her death when I was 18.

You cannot force someone to get help unless they realise they need it.

I think you and your husbands reaction was a disgrace and would drive someone further to drink.

Perhaps she can still see the child but make it clear to her that she has to be sober in order to see the child. She can drink after when you aren't there if she needs to.

The worst thing that people do when someone is an alcoholic is thinking that not talking to them and cutting them off will help them. It will in fact make it worse.

There is a reason why she is drinking so perhaps she needs help via counselling to maybe try to come to terms with whatever in her past it causing the drinking.

You can't fix the problem until you address the solution, respecting and with full support and non judgment

Sorry

Sorry Utterly

It does sound like your DP cares about his mum which is why it is affecting him so much. And on those grounds I would suggest he should salvage his relationship with her. See her less but still have a relationship including your baby, providing baby is with him/you at all times and that her behaviour isn't inappropriate. I say this because I really don't think she has long left and because your DP cares about her he will feel unavoidable guilt about having stopped contact with her.

I also think he should apologise to his mum for the public shaming. That was awful and disrespectful and he needs to take responsibility for that.

My dad was an alcoholic and had a stressful life (which he brought on himself) and one day he had a stroke and became brain dead. Before this my dad made me feel all sorts of anger and sadness but I remember the last time I saw him very well and am thankful for that last day we had together. Your DP's mum might not be in hospital again awake, one day her body may just fail and there is no going back. Does your DP really want to cut contact knowing that?

I understand your DP's feelings. It is hurtful and stressful and there's nothing he can do to help her. But as long as he does what he feels is morally right then that is something.

OohMavis well I'm truly glad you all seemed to have a loving relationship even with her suffering from alcoholism. Unfortunately in both my personal and professional life this isn't usually the case. And I'm sure you know, but it was never your job to save her

OP, another one here whose Dad was, as he put it 'an alcohol abuser'. Never saw him drunk, but he was sent on a drying out course by his employer. He was emotionally abusive, and when he died at age 60, when I was 35, it was like a weight had lifted from my shoulders.

I don't blame your dp for his actions at all; he must be at the end of his tether. The problem is, he cares, but his Mum doesn't.

I think for his own sanity, and to avoid being guilt tripped and manipulated, he might need to go NC., with her, but be about to help his younger siblings if possible. I would be very wary of letting her anywhere near your baby, but then, I've grown up with the irrationality, the mood swings, the emotional abuse of a very high functioning alcoholic. It still affects me now, even though he's been dead since 2001, and I'm now 52. Your newborn doesn't need that.

I feel for you both, and you must do whatever is best for both of you and the baby, not for her..

Bluesky many people cut off contact from alcoholics not in a bid to get them to stop drinking but for self preservation from the hurt that is caused. And I'm sorry but you can not put the responsibility of an alcoholic drinking more onto anyone else's actions but the person drinking. It is solely with them.

My dad is an alcoholic and I can understand your partners desperation.

Support him in this 100%. You cannot expose your child to her. Her voicemail is horrendous. Shes using her addiction and her sons upset to blackmail him. She knows exactly what she's doing. No contact is the only way- think of it this way, him going no contact might be the rock bottom that she needs I turn it around again.

Also she sounds very controlling. If she's still alive by then she'll be pushing you into leaving baby with her etc etc.

For your DH's own mental health, and the baby's well being, I strongly urge you to cut his mother off. Alcoholics will only change when and if they're ready. His mother doesn't sound like she's anywhere near ready, and she may never be. But you and DH don't have to wait around watching the carnage.

No amount of begging, having cute new babies around or threats of dumping all the alcohol out will change a thing.

Are you in any position to offer a home to the younger siblings? Because they really need to get out of that environment.

I just can't believe your partner did that to his own mother - dumping 33 vodka bottles on a table in a restaurant?! That is just so horrifically awful.

Yanbu to keep the baby away from all the alcoholics in the family. Your dp was being a total cunt with the restaurant stunt. Completely unnecessary and humiliating. He could have "shocked" her at home, what he seemed to want to do was humiliate her.

I really think you need to contact alcoholics anonymous or similar and get some advice on appropriate and helpful behaviour before you do some damage.

All you posters laying into the OP and her partner for their actions have no - I repeat, no - understanding of alcoholism, either from the alcoholic's standpoint or that of their friends and family.

I was an alcoholic like the OP's mother and I caused so much pain and distress to my loved ones. I know they were at the end of their tethers with my selfishness and they too resorted to increasingly desperate measures to try to get me to face up to the damage I was doing to myself and everyone around me. Loving someone with alcoholism is as damaging and distressing as being an alcoholic yourself and I've got nothing but sympathy for the OP and her family; one of the problems with alcoholism is that no-one - least of all the alcoholic themselves - want to admit how serious the problem is and the damage it's causing and breaking through that head-in-the-same attitude can be almost impossible. So leave the OP and her partner alone.

I've been clean for over five years now. It was me who had to make the decision to stop drinking and me alone, but I couldn't've got very far at all without the constant judgement-free support I got from my friends and family. OP, you have to stand back and let your mother join the dots and then be there to support her and love her as she goes through the experience of detoxing and then living sober.

That is just so horrifically awful.

Snash not nearly as horrifically awful as OP's MIL's fast approaching death will be.

Well done Fluffy I know how difficult that is to do and also what a massive achievement. Your family must be so happy and proud of you. I just wish I heard more stories like it.

fluffy

That's just your opinion..... but maybe read the thread eh?

It's not even the op's mother

Stop fucking nit-picking RedRed - feel clever now, do you? What have you contributed to the discussion?

Your MIL is putting herself first, so I think your DP is right in putting you both and his family first. My mum suffered a horrendous upbringing from alcoholic parents and did her best to help and support them. Once she had a family of her own she reached the end of her tether because they wouldn't change. She cut contact with them to protect us, and herself and I admire her for it. She committed a selfless act in determining that it would not be resolved because she wanted it to be, because they would never change and protected us.
My grandmother died and the police came to inform my mum. She was upset because she felt she had failed to sort it out but she maintains it was the best thing to do for us.

I am sorry you are going through this.

I think it's really important to recognise the limits of your agency, and your DH's here.

Your DH's mother is drinking herself to death. It is quite likely that this will kill her, sooner rather than later. There is not actually that much you can do to prevent this, beyond what you have already tried.

I am not sure that NC is the answer. I can understand that avoidance might seem easier than watching this, but I think it might lead to huge guilt and pain in the longer term. I would suggest that you try to maintain a relationship with her, in which you are supportive but open about the fact that you know she is drinking, and lying about drinking. She is very likely going to die here, and you need to prepare for that, rather than thinking that NC will produce the positive change you so desperately desire. That might mean making the best of the time that is left.

"then be there to support her and love her as she goes through the experience of detoxing and then living sober."

There's no guarantee of this though is there?

fluffy

OP - Sorry for what you are going through

mrsryangosling is Sorry what you are having to deal with - being an adult and having to deal with your alcoholic mother with a toddler. Hats off to you for dealing with that

"dumping 33 vodka bottles on a table in a restaurant?! That is just so horrifically awful."

I think blackmailing your children and lying to them, meanwhile absolving all responsibility for the younger child who lives with you so that you can drink yourself into a stupor is probably worse than this one, isolated episode.

I do realise that addiction is an illness but like with any illness, you can seek treatment and if you are a parent who chooses not to do this (thereby inflicting all of the sh*t that goes with alcohol addiction on your children) then you kind of have to expect that sometimes people will lash out and get angry at you.

It sounds like your husband has been really supportive up to now of his mother and he has run out of patience. I don't blame him, at all, no matter how many shocked faces there were in the restaurant or how much this one thing bothered her.

I think your husband needs to admit he has done all he can to try and persuade her to confront her drinking and that she can't be helped. He is about to be a father himself and all of the drama that comes from a drunk turning up at your house to 'help' with a newborn, a grandmother whose house is a pigsty with empty bottles overflowing from the bins, family arguments, guilt, shame etc is not something I would want my kids growing up around. It's time to cut contact or at least limit it very severely. I know it sounds harsh but no, I don't think she deserves a relationship with her grandchild. Her addiction at this time is more of a priority than her children, one of whom is still very young and lives with her.

All of the people writing judgemental things about your partner need to realise that he has had years, probably decades, of this and that there will have been a million times where her behaviour has made him ashamed and embarrassed. The blackmailing voicemail alone is enough to show that she is not exactly innocent in all of this.