to not let his mum be involved with our baby

[gta]

DPs mum is an alcoholic but wont admit it
In September 2017 she was in hospital with liver disease, had horrendous jaundice, hair fell out etc she didn't respond to treatment in hospital and was told to basically go home and if she lived long enough to get a liver transplant , great ! but we should get ready for her to die .

So between September to the end of October everything was fab, she made an AMAZING recovery which even doctors were shocked at.
On her 50th birthday at the beginning of November she had 5 glasses of wine at the birthday meal. She has 7 children and we were all understandably very concerned when we saw this.
The next day she reassured my partner and his brother (the eldest out of the 7) that it was a one off and she wont be drinking again. We were all very stupid to believe this.
It has since gone from a one off on her birthday meal, to a one off on special occasions (Christmas, NYE, her DPs Birthday). She is the matriarch of the family and a very fiery woman and i think everyone has brushed it under the carpet in fear of starting an absolute shit storm with her.

Until on Mothers Day when me and my DP went round to see her and he basically lost the plot at her , she looked horrendous , her hair has started falling out again , she was bloated and puffy and stunk of alcohol. She admitted she was drinking a bit more than she should and told him she would pack it in. All good or so we thought.

After seeing his mum we nipped into town and bumped into my partners younger sister who is 18 where she told us she had found a bottle of vodka hidden behind the cleaning products and she had a sip of her mums "water" and it was actually vodka and she was very worried.

We went back to his mums house to confront her about this as she hadn't mentioned any vodka just she was drinking a bit too much wine on quiz night at the pub, on a friday night etc.
She wasnt in as she was out with her own mum , partner and his mum for a mothers day meal. My partner decided to search the house and go through the bottle bin where he found 33 LITRES OF EMPTY VODKA BOTTLES! and 11 BOTTLES OF WINE! the bin was last collected on the 22nd February!

There was a massive confrontation where my partner bagged up all the bottles and dumped them at her table in the restaurant where she was having her mothers day meal in the hope of shaming her into admitting she was an alcoholic and needed help.

When she was in hospital in September, my partner took a week off work and gutted her house as it was rancid, and was at the hospital every single day after work.
My partner has said he simply cant do it anymore that shes just causing us stress and until she can admit that shes an alcoholic and goes to AA meetings, the GP, whatever, then we need to cut contact and that includes when our baby is born early August.
She still wont admit to being an alcoholic and is trying to guilt us into talking to her/seeing her .
Are we being unreasonable ?!

Crikey. You sound as if you have so much on your hands. So many lives ruined through alcohol.

What your dp did in the restaurant was totally understandable. He sounds incredibly desperate. Putting the bottles on the table pale in significance when compared to the spectacle that his mother made I expect many times over including the stripping off incident.

In your situation, I wouldn’t allow access. Your mother is back on a self destructive path and is out of control. It is incredibly sad. But you have to face reality. I hope his younger brothers and sister find help.

OP, ignore a lot of the comments on here, your DP is at the end of his tether and trying to make his mum see what she is doing to herself, but it won’t work. Trying to stop her killing herself does not make him controlling or abusive.....

Having seen several alcoholics lose their life to it, I know that there is nothing you can do to help MIL.

Your DP needs to cut contact and stay away from her and get counselling and support for himself.

She sounds so unwell she very likely won’t live for much longer. So I would aim for kindness but with very firm boundaries. Not punishment by withholding your baby but keeping any visits short, safe and at a time and place that can be quickly terminated.

Calls should be firm, short and kind. ‘If you don’t come round I will have to go to the pub.’ ‘ I hope you won’t choose to do that, Mum. I can’t come today but I will see you soon and pop in on xday. Please try to look after yourself.’

Your dp tried to stage an intervention which I understand can be a way of getting an alcoholic to see the truth but should be backed up with support such as an admission to a detox unit. Probably out of date but it definitely is a thing. He just got it wrong.

As I say, she doesn’t have long probably. She’s very unhappy. You all may feel better in the long run if you try to keep it kind but within very firm boundaries.

Good luck.

OP I am the child of an alcoholic and it is one of THE worst things that could happen to some1.
I cut her out several times over the year but always forgave her until the last time. After 4 weeks of being bk on gd terms. I got a call from our local hospital, 'could u come and help' they asked, she was refusing treatment and accusing the staff of all sorts. I refused on the grounds that I was being induced the next day due to complications and didn't need the stress or possible violence that could and had happened before but would send my sister. Hours after I had my dd my mother barges onto the ward (I was never asked) and demands to see her grandchild and I looked like shit. A few days later she tried to take both my eldest 2 out of school & nobody realised that she was well on her way to drunk until my dc1 said to his teacher that 'nannys had her special drink, mummys gonna be cross' they don't want to see her now because of the stink she kicked up. They told me she scares them and is really mean to mummy that was almost 5 year ago. She lives in a residential home now at the age of 58 (and I hope for the day that I get the call to say it's over). She tells every1 she meets about her evil daughter who won't let her see her grandchildren and that I am the reason she started drinking in the first place cos I was 'such a naughty child' and that youngests disabilities are gods punishment on me for treating my mother so badly. She forgets about the nights I had to look after my brother & sister who were only 2 & 3 while I was just 8 myself. Or the times she locked me in a cupboard cos I wet the bed and dared 2 wake her up.

So yes OP ur unborn baby should never see ur Mil supervised or not. She will eventually ruin the baby's life as well as well (if she lives that long) and f* any1 who tries to say it's not fair, it's not her fault. Because it is fair and it IS her fault. Yes addiction is not nice but she chooses to not fight it and she chooses drink over her children and almost grandchild. But wot is not fair is for ur baby to be around some1 so toxic
x

The fact is, most addicts don’t love anyone enough to stop. There is no depth they won’t sink to . Immaterial of their particular addiction, the booze/gambling/drugs, whatever, always comes first. Your DH was wrong to shame his Mother in that way, but he has to accept that there is nothing he can do. He would probably be wise to cut her out of his life and concentrate on the rest of his family.

Only on mumsnet would the poor, beleaguered son of an alcoholic be called all the names of the day.

My sympathies OP, and OP's DH.

Some of the responses on here- i am willing to bet thise people haven’t lived with or had a close relationship with an alcholic.

O/p all you can do is support your dh with whatever he decides. Can the 18 year old stay with you? They might be some help with the baby...:)

It sounds like your mil is going to drink herself to death in the next few months. You and dp may want to make your peace with that now, do your grieving, and move on with your new baby.

OP's DH

Please, please don't feel guilt over anything you have done where your mother is concerned. It was all done out of love and desperation.

Please understand that there is nothing more you can do other than to protect yourself and your family (including other siblings) from the effects of your mother's drinking. Do what you can, don't spend time fretting about what you cannot do.

The very wise Dr Maya Angelou said "You did then what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better". You know now that what you've done in the past didn't work, but it was all you knew how to do. Now that you know that, do better. And better is educating yourself about alcoholism and the effects on the family of the alcoholic. Better is going to Al Anon and/or a counselor for help for yourself, to work out your feelings and to build yourself a positive life with no guilt for the choice you've made to disconnect from your mother. It's the right choice.

Be kind to yourself. Don't be afraid to lean on others who love you. If I hadn't had the support of my DH (along with some 'tough love' of his own directed my way!) I don't know what I would have done.

I don't agree with dumping the bottles at the restaurant but I do understand and support the need to block an addict out of your life completely.

I honestly have no sympathy for drug and alcohol addicts after my own experiences with them.

As horrific as having an alcoholic family member is (believe me, I know) they are ill, they are gripped by their addiction and they are HUMAN.

Yes and funny enough the OPs DH is also HUMAN and is at the end of their emotional tether about his Mums behaviour and worrying she will die. All these posters like yourselves displaying no empathy for what he has had to endure, including sitting with the dead body of his Dad for hours as a child because his Mother was drunk are disgusting.

For crying out loud if they cannot control the women in a public venue whilst she’s stripping off for shits and giggles in a room full of adults they are not going to be able to do it whilst also caring for a tiny baby.

Yes, she seems to have a drink problem

Understatement of the thread ! She doesn't seem to have a drink problem , she was discharged from hospital with the expectation that she would die. She stopped drinking long enough to allow a tiny bit of recovery of her liver. She is now drinking very heavily again. If she wakes up tomorrow and seeks help and stops drinking forever , there is a slim chance she will live.

Your husband is trying to help her, honestly, I don't think there's anything that'll help, she knows she's dying

I'd perhaps write her a letter if I was him and say you want her to know her grandchildren so they'll remember her but you can only do this sober and to come early in the day perhaps once a week/month etc and see if that helps?

She's got to do it for herself Otherwise it won't work

33 bottles of vodka. I don’t think your DP was unreasonable at all.

It’s very difficult on all sides and yes, it’s a mental health condition, but it is recoverable - people do it. It’s not a disease like cancer where you have 0 choice in the matter.

Don't use your child as a bargaining chip, "If you don't do this, you won't get to see x", "If you do this, you'll get to see x". It shows a fundamental misunderstanding of the disease that is alcoholism and the nature of alcoholics.

No, she shouldn't be given unsupervised access to your child, but there's absolutely no reason she shouldn't ever be allowed to see your baby. Whether she lives to see the baby or not is irrelevant. Accept that you cannot force someone to get help, nor force them to even admit that they have a problem. Accept that this will likely lead to their untimely death (although not always - I worked in aged care with several addicts well into their 80s and 90s). Accept that the easiest thing for you all to do is back off and leave her to it, allow her to see the baby while you're there and accept that you've done all you can.

Just for the people who are saying to allow access to the baby when she's sober... 33 bottles of vodka in the house , she is NEVER sober. She would have to roughly be drinking less than 24 units per 24 hour period for her to be sober at all. She is drinking much more than that.

People recover, I worked in a rehab, but not because someone else wants them to. And she is very far down the road in total denial. The likelihood is that the disease will kill her.

Very very sorry

Well what an awful situation for everyone, particularly your MIL who must be in the grip of the most terrible addiction to risk her life in this way.

Absolute bullshit. Alcoholism is undeniably awful for the alcoholic but they put their loved ones through absolute hell. Nothing an alcoholic is going through will ever, ever, ever compare to the misery their actions causes to the people who love them. Nothing. And what's worse is that the only person who has any control over the situation is the addict. They could choose to get better. Not an easy choice but something that is possible if they work hard enough at it, as many, many alcoholics so. But for their loved ones, the only choice is to detach from them almost completely which is one of the hardest things anyone can ever do (turning your back on a loved one in pain) or to stay in a sheer fucking hell that's not of their making. Don't ever, ever minimise what the families of addicts go through.

"Don't use your child as a bargaining chip,"

I agree with that.

" but there's absolutely no reason she shouldn't ever be allowed to see your baby."

I disagree with that. If Op & her husband can no longer cope & don't want further contact I think that that's fine.