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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

what would you think of me if you saw me with my kids today?

374 replies

beclev24 · 14/03/2018 03:25

I worry a lot about what people think in general. I always think that people are staring at me and thinking I'm a bad mum/ I'm not keeping my kids under control etc. So be honest- what would you think of me/ us if you saw us?

I have three boys- ages 7, 4 and a baby. My two elder ones are VERY exuberant/ naughty (depending on how you see these things)- so for eg, today in the supermarket, they were laughing loudly and hysterically at each other over everything, pointing at every item in the store or picking it up and making some joke about it/ laughing very loudly. They were play wrestling in the aisles/ jumping up and down etc (not running around, but definitely not walking quietly by my side either) . No matter how many tiems I tell them to quiet down/ calm down/ not touch things etc, they seem to be uncontainable and I always seem to be pulling them off stuff etc. IT's all good natured, and they never actually damage anything but it's full on, ALL THE TIME. If you saw me in this situation, would you hate me/ judge me or feel sorry for me, or none of these?

OP posts:
Beckyd1 · 14/03/2018 20:53

I think alot of people are so judgey. If i saw u id laugh and probably tell u i feel ur pain. Boys are boisterous!!! They laugh they joke
They play fight what is wronf with that
They arnr harming anyone. There 7 and 4 fgs what could they possibly be doing so bad for people to.think ur a bad mum. Thry been at school all day so there letting it out and more importantly there HAPPY... fuck Everyone else

LemonysSnicket · 14/03/2018 20:55

I’d just think they were kids tbh. I don’t have kids but they don’t annoy me in a place I can easily leave - you had a trolley and a baby it’s not like you could hold their hands

TheShaniaTwainExperience · 14/03/2018 21:07

If I saw you struggling and looked like you needed a hand, I would just smile at you and ask you. If one of the boys was on my way to get something from the shelf I would bellow ‘excuse me!!!’ And enjoy their shocked faces Wink

I have a 1 yo and a 2 yo, I wouldn’t hate you or judge you Smile

windchimesabotage · 14/03/2018 21:10

I would not think badly of you at all if i even noticed how lively your boys were. I have a son who is very calm and sedate almost. Its just his nature, he has always been like that it has hardly anything to do with my parenting. My closest friend has a son who is extremely high energy... she is a brilliant mum and I spend a lot of time around so I see her in action... but still her son runs around and shouts and laughs constantly and seems to have never ending energy. Again its just his nature. Shes arguably a better mother than I am, more engaged and does more things, she has more of a routine for him.... yet he is still very high energy and mischevious.
So I certainly would not judge your parenting at all because I see first hand that energy levels have nothing to do with parenting and more to do with random genetics.

Id only judge your parenting if they were being extremely aggressive or you were being extremely aggressive.

The one and only time ive ever though to myself 'what shit parenting' was when I saw a grown woman shout at her toddler son in the street 'shut up you little shit or youll get a slap!' and the toddler didnt even flinch or stop what he was doing so it was apparent he was spoken to like that regularly.......

BuzzKillington · 14/03/2018 21:12

I would give you a wide berth. Not keen on boisterous kids.

Bluntness100 · 14/03/2018 21:17

I'd smile at you sympathetically but secretly feel sorry for you and think you had no control, and as such, wonder why you chose to have three. 😔

speakout · 14/03/2018 21:22

I don't like "boisterous" kids either.

Often another name for unruly kids who don't think much of others' feelings.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/03/2018 21:29

How can people not like boisterous children ? Surely childhood is the time when people have not yet learnt yet how to confirm and fit in ? Surely kids need to express their energy !

I would rather see a child running about than glued to an iPad

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/03/2018 21:33

I hope you feel better

I also have boisterous Children . And yeah - my parenting could be better . I struggle with discipline and I know it’s something I need to work on Flowers

I would never dare start a thread either Blush

gussyfinknottle · 14/03/2018 21:43

Stopfucking, no one is saying children should be seen and not heard. They are saying that kids rollicking about in narrow shopping aisles is, at best, a pain in the arse and, at worst, dangerous.
Be boisterous in open spaces and not where you are going to knock my elderly mum over or where you are going to damage stock at the supermarket.
The op has hopefully got some useful advice amidst the criticism.

speakout · 14/03/2018 21:44

How can people not like boisterous children ?

Because often when they are busy "expressing themselves" they are running around with little thought to the feelings of others.
Not all kids are " boisterous", and " boisterous" kids can be intimidating to others.
It indicates a disregard.

soimpressed · 14/03/2018 21:52

I would wonder why you didn't shop online - I gave up supermarket shopping once I could no longer keep them contained in the trolley! I would worry about an accident too but only because DS once slipped while running down the aisle. As he fell he stuck out his arm and pulled several bottles of sherry off the shelf. The result was blood and sherry all over the floor! Luckily he wasn't actually badly hurt.

PutUpWithRain · 14/03/2018 22:16

OP, it might not work (in fact it might encourage them), but with my two I used to threaten to embarrass them into behaving well. If that threat didn't work, I'd start waltzing around the aisles, or singing really loudly until everyone was looking at me/us.

The most effective time ever was when I - at the absolute end of my bloody tether, having tried every distraction and discipline I could think of to stop them bickering/pushing/shoving - bellowed STOP so loudly that people four miles away got whiplash from turning round to see what was going on. There was a very long pause whilst I glared at the DC, and they stared back, saucer-eyed. I wasn't really sure what to do next.

Then in equally ringing tones, I continued 'HAMMER TIME' and started bouncing about MC Hammer stylee, telling them they couldn't touch this. I absolutely sodding went for it, doing every move I could think of from the video for about thirty seconds, until the shock wore off, and they were hissing 'Muuuuuuuummmm!!!' at me, whilst trying to restrain me. I didn't give a shit what the other people in the supermarket thought of me, but I was at my wit's end. And it worked. Two very well-behaved & helpful DC for the rest of the shop.

Now I only need to murmur 'Hammer Time' if they're being difficult, and it stops very rapidly.

keepKalm · 14/03/2018 22:23

keepkalm . they are well behaved at school. after school is generally the worst time. my 'control' over them extends to making sure they stay near me/ dont run into anyone etc. but the finer points are def beyond my control. not sure exactly who i could ask for help?

Ok, well that’s good that they are well behaved at school but still worrying that the ‘finer points’ are beyond your control. How do they behave with other adults outside of school?
I think the fact you can’t stop them touching things when you’ve tried to stop them is bad. That’s something that could have safety implications or could really piss people off. If you have genuinely tried everything to stop them and been unsuccessful and actually want help then you could ask your Health Visitor or contact the NSPCCs advice line. Have you tried parenting books?

It’s hard to tell from your posts what your kids are like. Your initial post suggests they are worse than your subsequent posts 🤷🏻‍♀️

keepKalm · 14/03/2018 22:24

Sorry just seen that you are in the US

Herbalteahippie · 14/03/2018 22:25

If it bothers you that much then shop online?

Pinky333777 · 14/03/2018 22:27

I might wonder to myself why you allow them to behave like that, but I wouldn't think you a bad mum.
People have their reasons and their own parenting styles and frankly, so long as no harm/danger comes to me it's non of my business x

Pinky333777 · 14/03/2018 22:30

Oh, and as a tip for boisterous boys... distraction and responsibility.
Try giving them both a basket and give them each a small shopping list and some money and put them in charge of buying a few items. Keep them occupied xxx

reallyanotherone · 14/03/2018 22:45

How can people not like boisterous children ? Surely childhood is the time when people have not yet learnt yet how to confirm and fit in ? Surely kids need to express their energy !

Because, generally speaking, this only applies to boys.

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 14/03/2018 22:45

Can everyone saying she should shop online please read the OPs updates which clearly say she is in the US and it doesn't exist where she lives.

You can set the Op posts (and your own) to show up in a different colour. It helps.

auditqueen · 14/03/2018 22:47

Beclev after reading your updates I have nothing but sympathy for your situation. You sound exhausted and at the end of our tether and now I understand your situation I wouldn't judge you and would want to support you.

The incident that I was involved in was a completely different scenario, but for your own sake and that of your children, I really hope that things improve and you get the support you need. In the nicest possible way I truely hope that your children aren't involved in an incident like mine and thus cause you unwarranted pain and upset.

Take care of yourself and hugs from me.

reallyanotherone · 14/03/2018 22:57

I think alot of people are so judgey. If i saw u id laugh and probably tell u i feel ur pain. Boys are boisterous!!! They laugh they joke
They play fight what is wronf with that
They arnr harming anyone

Would you say the same if it was two girls behaving boisterously and play fighting?

MotherofaSurvivor · 14/03/2018 22:57

I would worry that you maybe weren't coping?

Decisionsohdecisions · 14/03/2018 23:03

Superbeagle - I’m interested in what you said. You lay out expectations for your four kids before shopping.
I get it for the older two, but how for the two toddlers?
My toddler 2.7 doesn’t have the comprehension to understand behave in the supermarket etc etc before we even get there. What do you do for little ones to lay out the expectations?

Snowbelled · 14/03/2018 23:06

I for have been you. My dc were a fucking nightmare I the supermarket. Similar age gaps to yours. It gets easier. The thing that really worked for us was bigging up how amazing they were going to be at the next supermarket trip and how as a result they were going to pick a treat at the end. we told everybody about how amazing they would be and they really responded to it.we explained very clearly what this meant and they stuck to it. They are now all much older and people quite regularly tell me how impressed they are with how polite they are. All hope is not lost!

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