what would you think of me if you saw me with my kids today?

[beclev24]

I worry a lot about what people think in general. I always think that people are staring at me and thinking I'm a bad mum/ I'm not keeping my kids under control etc. So be honest- what would you think of me/ us if you saw us?

I have three boys- ages 7, 4 and a baby. My two elder ones are VERY exuberant/ naughty (depending on how you see these things)- so for eg, today in the supermarket, they were laughing loudly and hysterically at each other over everything, pointing at every item in the store or picking it up and making some joke about it/ laughing very loudly. They were play wrestling in the aisles/ jumping up and down etc (not running around, but definitely not walking quietly by my side either) . No matter how many tiems I tell them to quiet down/ calm down/ not touch things etc, they seem to be uncontainable and I always seem to be pulling them off stuff etc. IT's all good natured, and they never actually damage anything but it's full on, ALL THE TIME. If you saw me in this situation, would you hate me/ judge me or feel sorry for me, or none of these?

notalltims see my previous post- we have tried everything in the rewards/ punishments department- we have been consistent and always followed through on threats etc, but it doesn't seem to make a blind bit of difference- they just don't seem to care about having toys/ privileges removed, and they only have screen time at the weekends anyway, so by the time I remove that it's long forgotten by them. I have also tried the 'lets make this all a game' thing, which works a bit better but I admit, I am running low on energy for this at the moment, and probably not doing it as effectively as I could be.

Ok so those times it is unavoidable just do it as quick as possible and don’t worry yourself about what other people will or won’t think.

Yeah in some ways it is different, I'm nervous of out of control kids now though, so your son's behavior would worry me, that's my problem, not yours though.

I mean, what if one of them had knocked into an elderly person, dropped something on someone's foot or hurt himself by not looking where he was going.

I wouldn't think badly of you but I would wonder why you bother to keep telling them to stop doing stuff but not follow through.
There is no point in saying anything at all if you are prepared to allow them to keep doing it.
All this starts from a very young age. Children learn quickly that they can just ignore you because you allow it. Why would they stop if they don't have to?
It's difficult to turn things around when you have your hands full but it's never too late.

Oh no I’m sorry you need to give yourself a break lovely. Can you take some time off work?

toastyFingers yes you are right re elderly/ disabled people etc etc. I apologised for this in my pp and vowed to try harder

ohcrepe thanks v much. I can't really take a break- I live in the States and there is no paid maternity leave here at all.

You need to take better care of yourself than posting threads like this in AIBU.

I'd have it deleted.

And I would do whatever I could to avoid bringing both older children to the supermarket.

Just concentrate on whichever of my two autistic children are struggling. It's easy to shut out all the disapproving faces and tuts if you just don't look at them
The thing is that if NT children were taught to behave properly and not allowed to run riot everywhere then the struggles of autistic etc. children would be obvious to everyone as being due to autism etc. and therefore most people would then be accepting and sympathetic. As it is people take one look at it and wrongly assume crap parenting because that's becoming the norm. It sucks.
My face would be disapproving because I'd be struggling to cope with the noise & lack of adherence to what I see as the social rules (I'm autistic & online shopping is a godsend) - but if the only 'misbehaving' around was SN-related then I'd have a completely different mindset because I'd recognise it as someone else struggling too. As it is I end up inwardly-ranting at people who don't give a toss about others.

I know you’ve addressed this but honestly if you ask any questions about people’s private thoughts on supermarket etiquette on here you will get a very judgemental response. Dont feed your inner anxiety monster. I would never ask people their thoughts on opening packets to be able to eat the contents and paying for empty wrappers because I know I would be slated and made to feel like shit. Hide this thread, don’t make yourself feel needlessly shit.
Also shops are way bigger in the US so much more room to dodge excitable kids.

As it is I end up inwardly-ranting at people who don't give a toss about others.

Ive already said repeatedly that this is not the case- I do give a toss, I am doing my best (genuinely), but it obviously isnt good enough at all. This is through ineffectiveness/ incompetence etc etc. It is most definitely not through not giving a toss. The whole thing is exhausting and depressing.

ohcrepe
Dont feed your inner anxiety monster. I would never ask people their thoughts on opening packets to be able to eat the contents and paying for empty wrappers because I know I would be slated and made to feel like shit. Hide this thread, don’t make yourself feel needlessly shit.

thanks this is helpful

When my two boys were that age it was just the same. Completely unruly. At least ds2 had grown out of throwing things out of the trolley. Ds1 has Aspergers so if often screaming in the supermarket and is a five foot eleven 13 year old. I try not to take him as he gets really upset. But I'm the mum who's dcs attract attention, especially in Waitrose...

OP is eldest in school? Why can’t you do shopping then?

notalltims because I have a newborn and I also work freelance from home (live in the US where there is no paid maternity leave)

I just want to add I’ve just tried to think of a time when I’ve thought negative things about a family shopping and I literally can’t think of one ever. My avoidance of shopping with children is because I find it so stressful when they start asking for things. Theyre old enough not to now, or at least accept no, but I once years ago I shouted loudly “I told you not to ask for anything” and it made everyone go quiet around me.

I wouldn’t think anything. My (only just) 4 year old, who is actually normally fantastically well behaved, yesterday, swiped a full shelf of kinder eggs on the floor because he wasn’t allowed one.

Needless to say he got the bollocking of his life but sometimes kids act horrendously. Who am I to judge another parent when I’m not a perfect mother?

turnocks oh wow! that makes me feel much better. thank you!

I’m sure you could find an hour a week to get to the supermarket.

Go straight from school drop off. Does the school have a breakfast club.

notalltims no breakfast club sadly. yes i probably could find an hour a week to go to the supermarket, but there are also a million other things i could/should be doing with that hour...

Well there are always going to be a million other things we could be doing. If you can make the weekly shop less stressful then do it. If you choose not to then step up and parent your children whilst you are there. You don’t just get to give up because some things haven’t worked in the last. You say you’ve tried everything, unless there are SN then no, you haven’t.

notalltims . who said i had given up parenting them? I continue to try my best in every way I know how

My experience of US supermarkets is that aisles are even narrower than UK. You are clearly struggling, op. I would ask for more real life assistance with your family's childcare.

Hide this thread, don’t make yourself feel needlessly shit.

This advice was helpful, listen to it.