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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

what would you think of me if you saw me with my kids today?

374 replies

beclev24 · 14/03/2018 03:25

I worry a lot about what people think in general. I always think that people are staring at me and thinking I'm a bad mum/ I'm not keeping my kids under control etc. So be honest- what would you think of me/ us if you saw us?

I have three boys- ages 7, 4 and a baby. My two elder ones are VERY exuberant/ naughty (depending on how you see these things)- so for eg, today in the supermarket, they were laughing loudly and hysterically at each other over everything, pointing at every item in the store or picking it up and making some joke about it/ laughing very loudly. They were play wrestling in the aisles/ jumping up and down etc (not running around, but definitely not walking quietly by my side either) . No matter how many tiems I tell them to quiet down/ calm down/ not touch things etc, they seem to be uncontainable and I always seem to be pulling them off stuff etc. IT's all good natured, and they never actually damage anything but it's full on, ALL THE TIME. If you saw me in this situation, would you hate me/ judge me or feel sorry for me, or none of these?

OP posts:
ILoveAntButHateDec · 14/03/2018 18:29

I’d think “Please don’t let those kids be sitting behind me on a plane!” 😫

If they can’t behave themselves in a supermarket, in a manner deemed socially acceptable for their ages take them straight home and give them something for their dinner they don’t like.

They’ll learn to behave if they are given consequences for their actions

Whenwillth1send · 14/03/2018 18:31

Don't worry about it and do the best you can. My rule of thumb was if nobody shouted, nothing was broken and we got home in one piece it wasn't too bad. Some children won't be told and there isn't much you can do apart from limit visits to the supermarket. Don't be hard on yourself.

hannah1992 · 14/03/2018 18:32

I haven’t read full thread but my dd is 7. She’s generally alright if ever a time where she’s not then I tell her once if she doesn’t listen I tell her louder. She hates it when people turn to look because she get embarrassed.

She said to me once shush mummy people are looking I said good you will be far more embarrassed than me!

As for judging you no I wouldn’t. If they were running around the aisle getting in the way then I would be cross but not towards you unless you clearly just ignoring the behaviour.

Magpie24 · 14/03/2018 18:36

I wouldn't mind at all and I certainly wouldn't judge a parent.

Corblimeyguv · 14/03/2018 18:41

Take it easy on yourself, OP. You clearly love your DCs, you have a lot going on, and you are trying your best.

Take care x

Thundercatshoooo · 14/03/2018 18:45

Once upon a time before I had kids I'd have been really irritated and thought to myself "can't she control her kids?"

Now I have my own kids, a toddler and a baby, I'd just think poor woman with her hands full, that'll be me in a few years time!

corythatwas · 14/03/2018 18:49

One thing that does strike me is you only mention verbal instructions and punishments. But it is perfectly possible to put a pair of reins on a 4yo so he can't run off from you. And if that shames him in front of his mates, use that as a bargaining tool.

littlebillie · 14/03/2018 18:54

Been there smile and move on. 😁

littlebillie · 14/03/2018 18:56

I think the only thing to be mindful of is hurtling into an elderly person my DM was knocked over last year in a bus station and a simple fall has destroyed her health,

Original poster
beclev24 · 14/03/2018 19:02

thanks to those who have responded kindly!

This thread has been a real eye opener. when i first opened it and saw over 200 replies this morning, most of them telling me I was lazy, a bad mother, that I shouldn't have had a third DC etd I was plunged into a pretty dark place (obviously it was my own masochistic stupid fault for starting it in the first place)

Now, weirdly I feel slightly better- I am genuinely trying all the things people have suggested, and more, which makes me realise I am doing my best and there's not much more than that I can do. It's been quite cathartic in a way. Thanks all.

OP posts:
gussyfinknottle · 14/03/2018 19:50

Glad you have got something out of it. Sometimes we just need a complete refresh of how we look at things. Good luck.

pancakebread · 14/03/2018 19:51

If by chance I glanced at your sons I'd find their antics infectious and smile.

pancakebread · 14/03/2018 19:53

Wouldn't think of you as a bad or irresponsible parent, there is so much you can do.

snapperstickers68 · 14/03/2018 20:02

I’d think it’s nice to see exuberant children having fun, and not a mother who’s shouting or slapping them for it, and that you’re a trouper for taking them all shopping. I wouldn’t judge you at all unless you were being nasty to them, because no amount of stress warrants that against a child.

keepKalm · 14/03/2018 20:11

beclev24. If you are genuinely already trying all the things suggested in this thread and you still have no control over you kids why don’t you ask for some help. There is no shame in asking and the consequences of letting your kids carry on being beyond your control might be serious. If they don’t listen to you now then do you think they will they learn to listen to you when they are older.

It be interesting to know if they behave at school and for other people or whether they are 'naughty' for everyone.

auditqueen · 14/03/2018 20:13

Yes I would judge. A few months ago I was in a supermarket where two youngish children were running amok around the wine aisle when I was there. I have no idea where the parents were. They started fighting and a bottle of wine landed on the floor at about the same time as one of them knocked me over (it happened quickly) and I ended up on the floor in the split wine and broken glass. The consequence of this spectacular parenting was that I ended up with a serious cut to the hand requiring surgery and a broken shoulder.

So yeah, I will judge and continue judging.

Lizzie48 · 14/03/2018 20:14

Tbh if I saw you and your kids I'd just think you had a lot on your plate. I was just thinking you'd have an easier time doing it online or when your oldest is in school. But I know it doesn't always work out.

AIBU isn't the best place to go to for support, but I hope you've found some of the comments helpful. Thanks

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 14/03/2018 20:18

I’d be annoyed at them messing about and getting in the way, just as I would at my own boys who are a similar age. Seeing you trying to control it would obviously make me grateful you were addressing the behaviour and not just smiling on beatifically!

Larking about is fine, and I don’t mind it in general, but if it’s all the time and not just because you’ve been pottering round Asda for two hours it does become draining. The wrestling I would be annoyed with and I would have put the little one in the trolley and made the bigger one walk next to me. Then he would have been cross with me but that’s natural consequence!

Notwhatthedogsaid · 14/03/2018 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Uniglo18 · 14/03/2018 20:26

Make life easy for yourself and oder your main grocery shopping online. It'll take the stress out of shopping for a few years until they're a bit older.

Messing around in the aisles is hazardous with trollies and assistants restocking the shelves. I appreciate that you need to go to the shops with your kids sometimes but keep this to a minimum.

hazeyjane · 14/03/2018 20:26

everyone as being due to autism etc. and therefore most people would then be accepting and sympathetic if only!

OP, honestly people will pick apart anything on here, it is like flies feasting on shite, they can't help themselves. You do the best you can, smile and mutter a silent fuck off to those who try to make themselves feel better by judging.

Branleuse · 14/03/2018 20:33

I mentioned my son having autism and I dont see why people say its not comparable - Hes not a different species! Tbh most of the shit i got from other people about my sons behaviour was before his diagnosis, and i also said that he still improved in time, so if people with autism can outgrow unwanted behaviours, then im pretty sure NT kids do too in a lot of cases.

When my younger kids (also ASD, but yes I still get comments and looks and peoples shitty uninformed opinions) are difficult in public, I do try and remind myself that children grow out of this stuff.

Original poster
beclev24 · 14/03/2018 20:37

notwhatthedogsaid thanks for that lovely post. it made my day.

keepkalm . they are well behaved at school. after school is generally the worst time. my 'control' over them extends to making sure they stay near me/ dont run into anyone etc. but the finer points are def beyond my control. not sure exactly who i could ask for help?

audit how awful for you. so sorry to hear that.

OP posts:
LiveLoveLaugh87 · 14/03/2018 20:43

As a Mum of 3 boys I totally get this! I can’t remember the last time I braved the supermarket with all of them... I online shop, just taking them to the corner shop is like hitting the poor shop keeper with a tornado😂 I personally if I saw you the same as I have seen parents shopping with lively kids, I would feel your pain! It’s unrealistic to expect kids to behave all of the time and I find the supermarket is one of the places they’re always the most hyper. If I take them to the library they will whisper and be quiet as mice but the people who see them charging around the supermarket demanding everything in sight don’t see that other side! Be proud your boys have personality and you made it out alive😉

MovingAgainOhWhy · 14/03/2018 20:48

Sounds like my boys 😁
So I do all my shopping online now