what would you think of me if you saw me with my kids today?

[beclev24]

I worry a lot about what people think in general. I always think that people are staring at me and thinking I'm a bad mum/ I'm not keeping my kids under control etc. So be honest- what would you think of me/ us if you saw us?

I have three boys- ages 7, 4 and a baby. My two elder ones are VERY exuberant/ naughty (depending on how you see these things)- so for eg, today in the supermarket, they were laughing loudly and hysterically at each other over everything, pointing at every item in the store or picking it up and making some joke about it/ laughing very loudly. They were play wrestling in the aisles/ jumping up and down etc (not running around, but definitely not walking quietly by my side either) . No matter how many tiems I tell them to quiet down/ calm down/ not touch things etc, they seem to be uncontainable and I always seem to be pulling them off stuff etc. IT's all good natured, and they never actually damage anything but it's full on, ALL THE TIME. If you saw me in this situation, would you hate me/ judge me or feel sorry for me, or none of these?

Im not suggesting that we never correct our children, nor did i say that it was fine that her children ran amok in the other thread.
I do however have great sympathy for the parents sometimes, when others want to villify because I know how that feels and how damaging that UK societies cultural intolerance towards children can be.

I have often pondered how much discipline is actually a performance for the benefit of other people, rather than actually effective in changing childrens behaviour, which often is a developmental stage that they grow out of anyway.

My eldest son for instance was a complete terror. Always throwing tantrums in public, honestly couldnt do anything with him without filthy looks from strangers and comments. I had to get on with life and still take him out. He continued having meltdowns in public for quite a few years (autistic) He is now the easiest teenager ever, when so many others are finding it the most challenging age.
Sometimes I wonder if kids to a certain extent will just be who they are, and we are along for the ride.

I am not advocating letting them do what the hell they want at all times, but sometimes stressing about their behaviour in public is just as futile as worrying that a baby will be in your bed forver, or never give up their dummy etc. Kids often are more able to control themselves in public by what is modelled for them and learning how people behave. Not by immediately dropping your shopping or taking your child home, to perform for other people that you are dsciplining them etc, when in actual fact you really needed to get that stuff done

It wouldn't ever occur to me that my disciplining my child was a "performance" for other people. I don't know why that idea would ever occur to you.

And comparing an autistic meltdown to a naughty child is apples and oranges. You can't do anything about the former, but the latter is always dealable with, even if its about avoiding the triggers for the poor behaviour to begin with.

As I said upthread, kids will misbehave. A good parents manages the misbehaviour. A poor parent does nothing.

The OP also specifically indicates that the children are always poorly behaved, rather than saying it was a one off/bad day etc

Hear hear Arapaima! As a control freak and a Mum of two grown up kids, I feel very saddened by the intolerant remarks on this thread. If people want a sanctuary - don't go to a supermarket, go to a spa or something.
Stop worrying quite so much about what all and sundry may or may not think. The people whose opinions will really matter are your kids.

I'd think your boys were entirely normal
little boys (I have 3 so know exactly what they can be like). For this very reason I stopped subjecting myself to the trauma of supermarket shopping and started doing it online instead. There have been many times that we're all out in public and I've found myself shrieking like a banshee to try and get them to stop being so manic.. they don't take any notice so I've stopped stressing about it and actually they are a lot better behaved if I am less stressed out!
I tend to avoid the situations that I know will be a nightmare.

I really despise justifying bad behaviour on them being boys. No its not because they're boys its because you havent brought them up properly.

Branleuse yes to some extent behaviour gets better with age as children (NT) become better able to manage their impulses.

But unfortunately there are enough badly behaved (NT) older kids and teens out there to make me doubt that good behaviour will magically come with age.

Using your DS as an example is a bit of a non sequitur, autistic meltdowns or behaviours are completely different from antisocial behaviour which a child can control.

As other posters have said I'd only be annoyed if you were letting them get in other people's way without telling them to move and just generally allowing them to inconvenience other shoppers. I too have three lively boys and I let them do a little of what you've described but if they touch anything that doesn't belong to them or get in other people's way then I will always make them move and I apologise the the person who's way they are in. I would say, let them be kids to a degree but they have to learn to be aware or their surroundings and respectful to others needs.

I can't be bothered to bold individuals, mainly because i am not that petty, but surely kids have days where they turn into nightmares. or days when parents have jsut had too much, or have had a personal trauma or something.
for the record i have 3 well behaved kids but for some reason when (and obv i try not to) i take them to parents evening they turn into little shits. perfect peter becomes horrid henry etc. so if my fellow parents are judging me, then i get more stressed and less able to deal with the said little darlings.
i guess my point is why be so fucking judgy.
life is too short.

Joseph No one is excusing this behaviour as being down to 'just being boys' - it just so happens that the OPs children are boys. If she'd said it was her girls then the comments would have been exactly the same. You are looking to score silly points where there are none to be scored.
Not one person has said that it's acceptable for boys and not girls to be badly behaved, you are reading far too much into it.

Your OP made me laugh, sorry I know it's not helpful but the description of their behaviour was, to me, amusing.
If I'd witnessed it I would've given you a sympathetic smile & said a silent thank you that it wasn't my turn.

I'm no expert and I'm aware I'm not exactly going to answer the question, OP.
However, you sound overwhelmed. If you are that cut up about their behaviour that you are posting on here it sounds as though their actions are really bothering you.
Do an online shop. Tesco and Asda do delivery savers where its £3.99 a month for unlimited deliveries Mon-Thurs.
Remember ultimately, you are the parent and your in charge. Some great advice from pp, take it, implement it, and give yourself a break.

wow! Sorry I left the thread- I live abroad in a v different time zone and came back to find this.

I'm regretting posting this- it has plunged me into a pretty dark place tbh (I was teetering on the edge of PND with my 6 week old already)- Iknow this is my own faul for postingt, so need to restate that obvious fact if you're tempted to. I actually started the thread after talking to a friend about my ongoing anxiety about what people thought and she had said reassured me that she thought it was all in my head/ nobody was judging me etc so I posted here to find out. Turns out I was right at least. it has felt a bit like the equivalent of posting 'i'm worried everyone thinks im fat and ugly' to wake up to find 200 people have said 'yes you are and you're lazy too.'

Firstly- heartfelt apologies to those of you who raised concerns about being around my kids when you were disabled/ in pain/ frail etc etc and how worrying this would be. Clearly this is absolutely not acceptable. i will work on this however i can.

In answer to a few questions:
Online shopping doesn't exist where we live, so not an option.

When i say wrestling i don't mean on the floor- more kind of playfully jostling each other. not great, i admit but also not blocking the aisles/ bumping into anyone.

no gender aspect to this post- my kids just happen to be boys.

It always makes me give a hollow laugh when people say 'you need to give rewards and punishments' as if this is some radical new childcare theory that i might not have heard of. we have done this for years, and yes we follow through and yes we are consistent and no it doesn't make a blind bit of difference,. we have more success with 'make it fun'/ a game but that is hard to sustain when you have a newborn/ are sleep deprived and have to get the shopping done etc. but yes i will work harder to do this.

i sympathise with those who have called me ineffective. that is definitely fair. less so the 'lazy' comments. i m bad at this . i admit but i genuinely try really really hard. you may find this aspect of parenting easy, but not everyone does, and that doesn't make us lazy.

sorry- should say 'no need to restate that ...'

Sounds like you have a partner? Either send him to do the shopping or you go and leave the DCs with him.

Does eldest go to school? If so do shopping when he is there. Seriously. Make life as easy as possible for yourself.

If you saw me in this situation, would you hate me/ judge me or feel sorry for me, or none of these?

Yes, sorry, but this is one of the few things I can't stand and do judge on. Very badly behaved kids in supermarkets and restaurants. If they can't behave, don't take them. Shop during the day when other people are at work, or shop online and order enough/freeze it to last or leave them with their dad/childcare/nan/whatever while you go.

I time when I go to try to avoid times kids will be in there, extend others the same courtesy.

What really winds me up is when you see two adults with horrendously behaved kids in the supermarket, why couldn't one stay at home or in the car with them?

notalltims my DH works away during the week so I am on my own.

eliza I work during the day and also have a newborn, so no time to go shopping then.

You must work for yourself if you’re working with a newborn in tow? If so do shopping straight after school run. Is there a breakfast club you can use to give you extra time?

If your DH is home at the weekend couldn't one or other of you do it alone then and the other mind the kids - until they have learned not to act up in the supermarket?

I have the utmost sympathy for kids and parents who are clearly having a tough time.

My eldest daughter is 'quirky' and sometimes must look like she's being very naughty, but in reality she's just unable to cope with a situation.

However, it sounds like your sons were perfectly happy, just not listening and getting up to mischief. Obviously I wouldn't say anything to you, but I would judge a bit.

A kid on a scooter in the supermarket, a big kid, not a toddler crushed my hand last year, while his useless father said nothing and thanks to my arthritis, it's never fully recovered.

thanks to posters suggesting that I don't take them to supermarket- I try not to do this if I can help it, but it isn't always possible. I guess my point is that there will always be times when I have to take them shopping or if not to the supermarket then elsewhere in public.

OK so for the times that you can’t avoid taking them, what do you do to make sure they behave?

How do you work with your newborn?

toastyfingers that's terrible- so sorry to hear that. but surely a kid on a scooter in a supermarket is quite a different thing than what I'm describing?

ohcrepe I work freelance around his naps and it is very very stressful. Feeling on the edge of PND tbh