Mum Just Lectured At Me About DS's Long Hair

[lqhufqhurfhuerg]

My mum has DS one day a week during working hours. He's 3. He has gorgeous long curly blond hair. We've never cut it apart from the fringe - it's quite long now (shoulders).

He is also keen on clambering about outside, and jumping in puddles. When clothes are new they don't remain looking new for long - some marks won't wash out. Some of his clothes are hand-me-downs and are not out-of-shop brand new - so have some marking.

She's just brushed his hair (making it look more brushed, but to me terrible and the lovely curls have gone) and given me a 10 minute lecture about the fact that it's not fair and that it'll be scarring him for life because people will be judging him and thinking he's either odd for having long hair while being a boy, or that he'll be scarred by being confused as a girl - and that when he goes to school he'll be teased by other children and it'll scar him for life.

She thinks her friends disapprove of his hair and his regular mild grubbiness. She finds this very difficult to deal with and feels embarrassed to be seen out with him.

I mildly angrily said perhaps she should change her friends. She said the problem was that even if I was right with my ideals and choices about how society should be, people out there are judgey and.... yep... he'd be scarred for life.

A lot of boys have long hair these days don't they?

And quite a lot of them are quite grubby quite often aren't they?

YANBU. My Ds2 used to have long blonde curly hair. Proper ringlets and everything. We NEVER brushed it. When it was washed and wet, we would run our fingers through it to tease out any knots but brushing it was a big no-no. He decided he wanted it cut short “like daddy” when he was 5 years old.

Your ds will make his own mind up about his hair soon enough. And yes kids get grubby. Both mine are still grubby at 7 & 8 years old after running around the muddy field at school and jumping in puddles and climbing trees. They’re having fun and there are showers and washing machines at the end of it.

If it's never been cut and he's 3 isn't it all straggly looking at the ends? Why not have it trimmed to neaten it? It can still be long with an inch off. That's not conforming to any gender stereotype, it's just making him look more presentable and would make it easier to wash and detangle.

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I like to see children at school with their hair up if it's long. It's more practical and as mentioned already, pre schools and primary schools are generally crawling with nits. Do the boys with long hair wear it in a ponytail?

This is 2018, if your boy is happy with it long then keep it. Look at all the long hair on teens and grown men! This is my nearly 4 year old rocking the long hair as Sir Gadabout

I grew up in the 70s and have an aversion to boys with long hair and men with beards- it just reminds me of that grimy beige nylon time that The Clash came to destroy .

Theresa it's not neglectful if they've only got 1 school jumper because they've lost 1, you can't afford a new £15 logo'd 1, and you haven't got a tumble dryer. If DS2 spills yoghurt on his jumper, I do my best scrubbing it out, but it won't get washed until Friday. Neglectful would be sending him to school without a jumper because it's drying on the radiator.

Kids get grubby, but there are some right scruffs in my kids school to the point they look neglected through no fault of their own, as it's the parents. That's something else entirely. As long as he's washed and in clean clothes that fit then YANBU.

Ah, whining about long hair on boys is a fairly reliable indicator that someone is both stupid and a bigot. Don't worry about it OP My DS is 13 and has long hair - we just tie it back for school or if he's doing anything else where it might get in the way.
And as to the stained clothes - this kid is 3. DS lived in stuff that was clean but often stained at that age, because he was a messy eater and washing often didn't get the marks out. It's never worth worrying about the opinions of the stupid, especially when they are so stupid that they offer those opinions unasked.

I hate the look little boys with scraggy curly hair.

I personally don’t much like long hair on 3yo boys or girls. I don’t think it’s practical, particularly as your ds likes to get mucky. I also don’t like hair getting in the way of eating as then it smells of food.

You said yourself in your op that his hair is gorgeous. Does he think this? Or not care? If he really had a fascination or love for his long hair, then fine. However, it is additional unnecessary work re washing/drying imo and I would really not choose it. I don’t mind other people choosing it as long as it does not impact on me. It sounds like it impacts on your mum if she spends time getting tangles out.

Wow! Having a different opinion to Reanimated means you are both stupid AND a bigot. Ouch.

Your mother is welcome to have an opinion - but she should not be voicing it. It is none of her business.

Biting your tongue is the job of a grandparent - I have to do so for the opposite reason - they cut off his curls!!!

I think the boy/girl long hair thing is generally the upkeep. The girls I tend to see with long hair will usually have a clip or headband or have it tied back, most of the boys seem to have the unruly tangled matted type that just doesn't look nice.

Kids do get mucky but if your DS's hair is just overgrown rather than long (which 3 years of never getting a trim sounds like), I get your DMs point. Boys in our school do have to tie hair up past shoulders at school too.

On another note regarding the brushing - DDs hair is thick and curly and I either run a comb through it with conditioner, or brush it after washing when wet with a detangler.

Don't sit on the fence SGB

I would have thought most toddler's hair would be curly if never cut or brushed. Some children have that sort of tangled unkempt hair which isn't really curly it's just gone in what my gran would have called "rat's tails".

I don't think it's even a sign of not conforming to societal norms. It's actually become achingly trendy to have a toddler with wild hair, usually sporting angel wings and wellies and an expensive scooter.

Excuse me Theresa, I'm 50 and my youngest is 6.

I was the boy with long hair when I was your son's age, and we lived somewhere conservative, so I definitely stood out. I am genuinely grateful to my mum for letting me wear my hair long. No "scarring" at all; and when I look back at my childhood pictures I'm happy that she let me be myself. (I wanted long hair and she let me have it.) Just in case in your (OP's) mum asks, I'm happy and successful as an adult, despite my hair touching my shoulders as a child.

Your mum has an old fashioned view of hairstyles and you have an emotional attachment to your son's hair. Neither is unusual, but it's a combination that doesn't marry well.

In the event that you can't change her views you'll need to learn to live with it. I'm afraid.

My IL's were similar (Though not lectures about damage - just mentions of need for haircuts). There's good news though - I've a teenager who has a head of beautiful chocolate brown curls. He's grown his hair long - he just used to say 'don't want one' if haircuts were mentioned. He looks akin to Benedict Cumberbatch in Sherlock now and they've stopped commenting.

Wide toothed comb is the only sensible option for curls!!!

I don't think it's even a sign of not conforming to societal norms. It's actually become achingly trendy to have a toddler with wild hair, usually sporting angel wings and wellies and an expensive scooter.

This is exactly how it seems to be at the moment in our town! Seems a bit unusual actually to have a "typical" dressed boy or girl.

My ds refused point blank to have his hair cut until just before starting reception. It is quite fine, he hated having it brushed too, just stood in the shower, bit of shower gel on it from time to time ..always nice, clean and shiny.
Still never brushes it, though it's shorter now, it looks fine.

Much rather see a toddler with natural, long locks than one with the 'shaved thug' look any day.

I'm fairly sure that small children are supposed to be slightly muddy...

I have a 3 year old DS and it's important to me that he's well turned out. I don't like to see him dressed in grubby clothes from the off. If it happens during the day at nursery then fair enough but I wouldn't dream of sending him out in the morning looking grubby. Clothes aren't expensive - primark and supermarkets etc so I don't see the need for grubby clothes. I love a hand me down btw but I wouldn't put a soiled hand me down on DS. There's just no need. However I do think people place varying levels of importance on children being well turned out.

I guess this generation of toddlers will rebel against their parents differently as teens. They'll all be defiantly sporting a neatly combed short back and sides and immaculate clothes and their parents will tut and sigh and say they despair of them.

Hmm... it's very short hair , that gets boys judged in certain circles. Tell that to your MIL

I agree wakemeup there are shocked glances and people whispering "Chav" if you cut your son's hair with clippers round my way.