Mum Just Lectured At Me About DS's Long Hair

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My mum has DS one day a week during working hours. He's 3. He has gorgeous long curly blond hair. We've never cut it apart from the fringe - it's quite long now (shoulders).

He is also keen on clambering about outside, and jumping in puddles. When clothes are new they don't remain looking new for long - some marks won't wash out. Some of his clothes are hand-me-downs and are not out-of-shop brand new - so have some marking.

She's just brushed his hair (making it look more brushed, but to me terrible and the lovely curls have gone) and given me a 10 minute lecture about the fact that it's not fair and that it'll be scarring him for life because people will be judging him and thinking he's either odd for having long hair while being a boy, or that he'll be scarred by being confused as a girl - and that when he goes to school he'll be teased by other children and it'll scar him for life.

She thinks her friends disapprove of his hair and his regular mild grubbiness. She finds this very difficult to deal with and feels embarrassed to be seen out with him.

I mildly angrily said perhaps she should change her friends. She said the problem was that even if I was right with my ideals and choices about how society should be, people out there are judgey and.... yep... he'd be scarred for life.

A lot of boys have long hair these days don't they?

And quite a lot of them are quite grubby quite often aren't they?

Wtf if wrong with 3yo's playing in stained clothes?! They just cover their clothes in muck anyway. My DS lives in a film of biscuit crumbs and grime, he's very happy and well looked after - I just don't follow him around with a wet wipe all day.

And how is growing hair at all like piercing a child's ears? Hair grows naturally, there are no actual rules about appropriate lengths for different genders. Ear piercing involves shooting a stud or sticking a needle through flesh for purely aesthetic reasons - often before a child is able to decide for themselves.

howmuch, you always get this on here ‘Oh it’s fine to put your kids in stained, threadbare clothes’. But then they go to school and they end up being bullied and isolated because they’re the scruffy unkempt kid.

My MIL really struggles with mud. Both DC go to an outdoor Kindergarten. I do not wash the Autumn/Winter suits until Spring. There seems very little point to me. A total waste of electrical energy and, given they are synthetic, just adding to the microplastic issue.

Tell her to buzz off.

DS1 and DS2 had long hair - DS1 in particular kept getting complimented on his thick corkscrew ringlets - but I buzzcut them both when preschool got an epidemic of nits and neither of my boys would cooperate well enough with combing.

Now all I get from mum is "please let DS1's hair grow again, his curls are beautiful". Yeah, they're gorgeous until you have to pin him down to comb nit treatment through it for fucking ages.

@Qvar

Do you understand that the word "looks" is subjective and that there's nothing wrong with my thinking long hair looks stupid on boys.

"Does that mean they're girls? Does their willy turn inside out once their hair gets past their chin?"

Yes. That's exactly what I meant

I take it your DS has hair like a girl and rather than read my comment you simply make ridiculous statements.

Sorry gussy, I hadn't seen what you were replying to. Yes, clearly someone who writes "Jesus my parents were born during WW11 and they are late 80s." is wrong somewhere.

By the way, 1941 was the trigger: a lot of Americans regard the beginning of World War II as December 1941. A lot of Russians regard the beginning of World War II as June 1941. You're not likely to be Russian, but you might be American...

Whether your son has long hair or not is yours and his decision. I don’t personally like it but that’s just me. With regards to grubbiness - my DS is constantly grubby! He wears clean clothes everyday and has a bath every night but he is just grubby, I call him a little grub! Who cares? I’m not wasting my time wiping him with baby wipes all day long and I also don’t want him to be one of those children who are scared of the tiniest bit of dirt.

Dh had ringlets as a little boy. An ex of mine wore dresses as a baby. Both grew up unscarred.

Wait till he gets nits...that's when our son decided he was never having longish hair again

I'm not a fan of long hair on little boys - it's usually blonde ringlets, and it always makes me think that the mum can't bear to get it cut because it's "just so adorable". And if it's not brushed and tied back, then it just gets in the way.

My cousin has a 7 year old son with long hair. She is selfish and self-centred, and basically wanted a child identical to her. She wanted a girl obviously, so styles his hair as if he was one, and makes him look like her. It turns my stomach.

That said OP, he's your child and if he's happy with his long hair then there's nothing more to be said....except....good luck when he gets nits!!

Ds had long ringlets until he was probably three and a half. He was often referred to as she. He managed to grow up with no confusion as to who he was regardless. He looks at photos from when he was small nowadays and mourns his luscious locks as he's pushing thirty and losing his hair. Try and rise above it would be my advice it's not worth a fall out.

I'm with your mum, sorry! I much prefer short hair on boys - regardless of how 'cute' the curls are - and the long-haired boys always just look a bit more manky in general.

Sorry but I think long messy hair on toddlers (boys and girls) looks like you can't be bothered. You need to brush his hair regularly, it stimulates blood flow to the scalp and gets the dirt/dead skin cells out. At this age it should be about his comfort, not how cute he looks to you. Long hair gets in their eyes, gets caught on things and gets knotty.

Why not get the back and sides cut short and leave some curls on top? Or cut it into a bob? Or brush it and put it in a bun/plait?

As for grubby clothes, it's normal for them to get muddy and dirty but not to stay in those clothes all day. Do you send him with a few changes? My DD gets muddy but as soon as she comes in from the garden she has her face and hands washed and a clean outfit.

My DS lives in a film of biscuit crumbs and grime

Well that's disgusting and you should clean him off. Ffs.

I would also be a bit more respectful of your mum's feelings on this, especially as she's helping out with childcare. It's a generational thing. Just send him with a change of clothes, and job's a good 'un.

I feel a bit sorry for children that have slightly wild long hair hanging in their face. They just want to get on with playing and running about without continually pushing it out of their face. How do you know that? That might be what you would have felt at that age, but you don't know how anyone else feels

My DS lives in a film of biscuit crumbs and grime

Give him fewer biscuits.

I am female and had short hair until I was about 7. I still remember now being upset when people thought I was a boy. I can remember specific incidents that my mum was amazed I could recollect.

I wouldn't go as far as to say I was scarred for life, but being different as a child is not necessarily a good experience.

Lol at the poster that said she doesn't want to cut her sons her and him look like every other boy. Why, do all boys with short hair look the same...how ridiculous

I personally don't like long hair on boys, my son is 12 months and was born with loads of hair, he started having it trimmed at 7 months and now has short back and side every six weeks. He goes with sh and its their thing, its nice. I think he suits his short.

I've seen plenty of boys with long hair that looks really nice and suit it. If styled properly and taken care of it really suits some boys, I just wouldn't choose it for my own son. If he wants long hair when he's older that's up to him but while he's young its up to me.

Agree with pp though, I see a few boys with the long blonde curls and often its not them that don't want it chopped off its the mum. Again, that's up to them, let's be honest its the parents choice when the child is young. When its all tatty and in their faces though it looks awful. I have two dds both with really long wavy hair. It takes a lot of maintenance to keep it nice and knot free but they like it so I do it. Long hair can't just be left though, curly or straight. It takes maintenance.

Also, the posters saying 'having long hair won't make them gay' wtf, nobody has daor that. Alot of people wouldn't have their dds hair short at a young age, that's not coz people think it will make them gay. Its coz they have preference to longer hair for their dds. Works both ways

It's none of the GM's business how her grandson and you choose to have his hair. If either of our parents expressed this sort of opinion about our DC, I'd be looking for a more tolerant CM or nursery pronto.

Not because I would care what GM thinks about the hair, but I'd worry about what other intolerant attitudes they might be encouraging my child into. They could make child feel scarred for life themselves if they are as tactless with child as they are with OP. Or inadvertently be encouraging OP's child into judgemental attitudes towards other children.

Her sons hair*

I'd much rather my son have long hair than wear a t shirt that says 'boys will be boys' or 'cheeky, just like daddy', though many others obviously disagree because twee slogan T shirts are everywhere. It's just personal preference isn't it?

Mere I'm just guessing that no one wants to be pushing hair out of their face when they're busy doing something, or getting it caught in things or stuck in food?
I think there's a middle ground between that and having long hair that's off the face or cut so it's not in their eyes. I'm not against long haired toddlers, but wild long hair that's never cut or brushed must hinder them getting on with being a toddler.

I don't understand parents that refuse to cut their children's hair in case the baby curls never come back. I mean they're not a baby anymore when they're 3.

I love to see my DC get dirty from playing, they always start the day clean though. As for the hair, as long as it’s managed nicely, I don’t see why little boys can’t have curls, theres a little boy in my DS class with dreadlocks, he’s 7. Suits him though.

YANBU. See if he wants dreadlocks, that’ll show her