Mum Just Lectured At Me About DS's Long Hair

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My mum has DS one day a week during working hours. He's 3. He has gorgeous long curly blond hair. We've never cut it apart from the fringe - it's quite long now (shoulders).

He is also keen on clambering about outside, and jumping in puddles. When clothes are new they don't remain looking new for long - some marks won't wash out. Some of his clothes are hand-me-downs and are not out-of-shop brand new - so have some marking.

She's just brushed his hair (making it look more brushed, but to me terrible and the lovely curls have gone) and given me a 10 minute lecture about the fact that it's not fair and that it'll be scarring him for life because people will be judging him and thinking he's either odd for having long hair while being a boy, or that he'll be scarred by being confused as a girl - and that when he goes to school he'll be teased by other children and it'll scar him for life.

She thinks her friends disapprove of his hair and his regular mild grubbiness. She finds this very difficult to deal with and feels embarrassed to be seen out with him.

I mildly angrily said perhaps she should change her friends. She said the problem was that even if I was right with my ideals and choices about how society should be, people out there are judgey and.... yep... he'd be scarred for life.

A lot of boys have long hair these days don't they?

And quite a lot of them are quite grubby quite often aren't they?

He's 3. He has a lifetime of 6 weeks cuts. Let it be. tell your mum to butt out. and no one needs 'styled' hair at 3 fgs.

I can't see any marks on the coat

Ollivander84 That is a point that was brought up in the good hair documentary. It's not something an employer should consider, let alone be heard to say it.

I don't know. I see some toddlers with hair all matted at the back and unbrushed because their mums are desperate to hold onto their baby curls. It does look a bit messy.
At that age, they don't care what they look like really so it's a shame if their parents are so intent on them looking a certain way.

My 3 year old niece has long blonde hair that just always hangs in her face. hair clips just slide out of it.
It's always getting food in it and getting in her way and I'm itching to offer to cut a fringe in and trim it. I've never said that though.

I don't like long hair on boys. Your mum obviously feels the same.

Have you styled it? Take him to the barbers to have it styled? If it's long, it still should be looked after so he looks smart. I'm all for children getting dirty and having fun but they should start the day looking presentable.

If his hair is getting matted as well, it would be kinder to have it cut so it's practical for him.

My two boys get reeeeeeeeeally grubby but I wipe their faces and hands several times a day so they know they are cared for. I think it is bad for self-esteem development to go round dirty all day.
Also I would never put them in dirty, ripped or stained clothes in the morning. They wear waterproof trousers when they play in the mud or rain and they take several changes of clothes if they go to Grandmas.
The long hair is up to you but again, I think it's better for long term self-esteem to learn to take care of your appearance. My boys aren't super stylish or anything but they get their hair cut regularly and I comb it after washing. I assume it's easier to instill these good habits in a cute toddler than a reluctant teenager.
Hygiene and self-care habits are really important but maybe you do this in other ways.

I don't like long hair on boys. Your mum obviously feels the same.

That’s fine, as your personal opinion. My ds has shorter hair because long doesn’t work for us.

But I’m sure you wouldn’t tell a mother that her son looked ridiculous nor would you say you were ashamed to be seen out with him would you?

My 4 year old DS also has long blonde curls, he loves them so we are not going to shave his head so he looks like every other boy.

What on Earth is the matter with people?

It's just hair. Long or short just hair!

DS1 has hair down to his backside and DS2 halfway down his back. It's bloody lovely. When they were little they had eczema on their heads and had to keep their hair very short. It was lovely then too.

It's not surprising people go through life with hang ups when they've been conditioned to be concerned with other people's opinions on things that are of no concern to them.

There are some terribly small minded people here today!

Long hair is fine as long as it’s styled and not just ‘hanging’
If it’s getting in his eyes or in his way at meal times for example then it’ll need a trim
When he gets to school age it would need tying back for PE

I have three boys. My eldest is 7 and has long hair, my 5 year old has short hair, i let them choose for themselves what they have done at the hairdressers. My long haired boy does get called a girl sometimes, he just tells people that he is a boy, no big deal, it doesn't bother him.

I don't know why people get funny about boys having long hair!

I don't like long hair on boys. Your mum obviously feels the same.

Do you dislike long hair on girls too?

In my experience you can have curly hair that is free(ish) of tangles, cut neatly and looked after. It doesn't have to look messy.
You do have to look after it differently though. My DD had long curly hair and about a year ago had most of it cut off as she hated the tangles. She much prefers short hair.

My son had long hair until nearly 5, and it was his surfer dude look and suited him. He has it still long but more like the boy, Sebastian, in never ending story now. It's his choice and he loves it

DS had past shoulder length curls till 5 and a half when he asked for short hair due to being fed up of being referred to as a girl by peers in his new school. Prior to that it was never mentioned in his original nursery/school probably because there were more boys with longer hair and a more affluent area.

However his hair needed to be washed daily otherwise the curls matted together especially after sleeping.

As for the clothes he’s never been a grubby child, always preferred blue and red clothes and generally dressed quite preppy.

I’d say it’s probably a mixture of factors that are contributing to your DM thinking you need to change him.

Aside from that at almost 8 DS is now growing his hair long again.

Long hair isn't very practical for toddlers, unless it is kept tied back or plaited, which you presumably aren't doing. I'd get it cut.

In any case, I think it is reasonable for children to start the day with brushed hair and clean clothes, even if they don't remain that way for very long.

My son had long, curly hair til school was about to start when he decided he wanted it all cut short. Now, he is refusing to have it cut again. I'm not going to make him, it's his hair. But, I do make him brush it every day.

He's never been 'grubby' despite playing outside happily. He regularly rewears clothes, but not if they are mucky or visibly dirty. No need for that.

p.s. DS did get mistaken for a girl recently in a shop. No idea why other than hair but he didn't even notice. Think the woman was more embarrassed when she realised than any of us.

It’s normal for infants to have long hair. Obviously you will cut it eventually but it’s not socially unacceptable for a toddler to have long hair by any stretch of the imagination.

Here's DS's hair today, feel free to report us to SS.

Putting aside the heated debate that you have started on here about curly hair......just another thought about your Mum. You know her best. Is it out of character for her to moan like this? If it is out of character - Is she actually trying to tell you something about the way she is feeling at the end of the day after having a 3 year old all day? Could she be looking for ways to blame the fact that isn't working on you because she doesn't actually want to admit that she can't keep up with a 3 year old? It's just a thought because honestly I can't see a mark on that coat and it is such a bizarre thing to be bothered about as she could easily fix it if she had the means to get him a new coat.

My almost two year old has long hair. He's had four trims already and it's still down to his shoulders. I love it. I trim it so it's not in his eyes but otherwise we leave it long. He's always been mistaken for a girl (he has blue eyes and really long lashes too). I just laugh. My mum and my aunties nag me to cut it off. No!!

Your mum is expecting you to live by her standards. It's nothing to do with your mum or her friends.

My DM would get a bee in her bonnet about DS having his hair cut. He used to have a surfer style cut I loved. He also has patches where the hair is very fine and light so can look like bald patches if the hair is cut badly.
I finally agreed she could take him for a trim before a family event if it mattered that much to her.
Yep, he came back with a very short cut and my DM was so apologetic and admitted it looked awful. His hair grows at different rates all over his head so it's taken a year to look 'ok' and lots of small trims to get it looking even without being short. I'm hoping in another 6 months it will look good.
She's not criticised his hair again and still apologises when she sees photos from the event.

As my DS says to anyone who questions his waist length mop, "some boys and some girls have long hair, some boys and some girls have short hair". His hair, his choice. YANBU, as long as it's out of his eyes when he's playing.

And as has been said upthread, for some children it's not a fashion choice. Nobody can tell by looking whether a child has ASD, sensory issues or some other reason why a visit to the hairdresser would be torturous, so adverse comments/judgment about long haired boys are potentially very insensitive.