Mum Just Lectured At Me About DS's Long Hair

[lqhufqhurfhuerg]

My mum has DS one day a week during working hours. He's 3. He has gorgeous long curly blond hair. We've never cut it apart from the fringe - it's quite long now (shoulders).

He is also keen on clambering about outside, and jumping in puddles. When clothes are new they don't remain looking new for long - some marks won't wash out. Some of his clothes are hand-me-downs and are not out-of-shop brand new - so have some marking.

She's just brushed his hair (making it look more brushed, but to me terrible and the lovely curls have gone) and given me a 10 minute lecture about the fact that it's not fair and that it'll be scarring him for life because people will be judging him and thinking he's either odd for having long hair while being a boy, or that he'll be scarred by being confused as a girl - and that when he goes to school he'll be teased by other children and it'll scar him for life.

She thinks her friends disapprove of his hair and his regular mild grubbiness. She finds this very difficult to deal with and feels embarrassed to be seen out with him.

I mildly angrily said perhaps she should change her friends. She said the problem was that even if I was right with my ideals and choices about how society should be, people out there are judgey and.... yep... he'd be scarred for life.

A lot of boys have long hair these days don't they?

And quite a lot of them are quite grubby quite often aren't they?

I'm not a fan of long hair on boys (personal preference) but each to their own

There's a difference between messy and long. If it looks unbrushed like upthread I can see why someone might feel embarrassed as it appears the parent is either permissive or neglectful or lazy. Long neat hair on the otherhand is personal preference.

My DM used to complain about my long haired boy. It is annoying but only reflects poorly on them for being so rude. My DS chose to have it short around age 5-7 and later decided he wanted it long again and DM hasn't complained this time around.

How can you be "not a fan of" /"not keen on"/ "don't like" short hair on boys? Do you usually judge the haircut of someone you've never even seen? It's someone else's style, none of our business. Or are you just frowning on their not slotting properly into your little stereotyped blue box?

The rigidity some people have about their stereotypes goes a long way to explaining why some little boys who like dolls and pink and long hair are deciding that actually they're girls who got dealt the wrong body at birth. Instead of perfectly normal kids doing their own thing who might just as well decide to do the opposite thing a year later.

I wouldn't worry too much, Im sure that your mum will take him for a haircut next time she babysits!

But.... Thor!

My now-teenaged brother had gorgeous curls as a toddler. Decided in Reception he wanted them cut off, had a "boy" cut since.

He doesn't seem to be scarred by people telling him he was a "good big sister" to our younger brother (though that may've been part of the catalyst)

Loads of boys of all ages have long hair round our way, OP. Including my DS, but he had long hair before it was cool.

My DM used to moan about it when he was younger but she eventually accepted it wasn't her decision and that he was a person, not a fashion accessory.

I would just tell her that if she's worried about what people think, she's free to explain to them that he's not her child or get nicer friends.

FWIW, my (male) partner has had long hair for a good decade+, and mine tends to be clipped pretty short, when I get around to it (currently shoulder length, but I hate it). Hair doesn't define gender.

Outwardly it would appear that a boy with long wild hair isn't conforming to the stereotypical image of a boy. However, at 3 years old they're not really expressing themselves through their hairstyle, it's the parent's choice and in fact a lot of parents are adamant they won't cut it. It's not really a free choice then.

It's great that most people these days are embracing the idea that we don't need to gender stereotype children. Ironically we have now moved to a stereotypical toddler boy with uncut hair and short styles for little boys are frowned upon and labelled "thuggish" and "chavvy".

I just don't like long unkempt hair on small children as it looks so impractical. The argument that the child refuses to have it brushed or cut is flimsy (unless serious sensory issues) as a child can understand they need their hair cut and looked after as you would brush your teeth for example.

prettypaws Who looks unbrushed?

OP seems to have vanished. Perhaps she has done the right thing and taken her boy to the barbers! 😁

Apologies for radio silence and thank you for all the replies! DD returned from school and the usual mayhem of teatime and bedtime routine ensued.

I should have said in the opening post that I'm actually DH. My DW has now also returned and read the thread and asked me to add:

"Can you add to your thread that we co wash his hair and finger comb. It's best for curls. It is regularly trimmed and was cut 2 weeks ago. It's just shoulder length when curled. His clothes are in good condition. Not worn and holey. Not stained! Aside from small marks on that one coat."

Thanks again - I'll go catch up on what I missed now...

Including my DS, but he had long hair before it was cool.

When was that then, the sixties?

Oh right. I thought you said originally it had never been cut? And that he has lots of stained clothes.
It all sounds like a storm in a teacup over nothing now.

Op mentions that the boy's hair hasn't been cut - but the fringe has.

Well this is all very normal and unthreadworthy then judging by the update.. Clean toddler with recently cut hair wearing clothes in good condition apart from a small mark on coat visits Grandma.

Why did you think you were unreasonable? Just explain to your mum that it's quite normal for boys to have longer hair these days.

Dropping in late to say that DS - now a teenager - has mostly had long hair, and now has very, very long hair, which he refuses to cut, despite most of his mates having very short hair, and despite one of his beloved uncles nagging him to death about it every time we visit. I regularly offer to let him have it cut, or trimmed, or whatever he wants, whenever he wants, but he doesn't want.

He once had shortish hair (as in too short to tie back) but that was when he was about 8.

He has been regularly mistaken for a girl, but doesn't give a shit, as he is perfectly secure in his masculinity, and also doesn't think being called a girl is the Worst Thing Ever.

Please do tell your mum that he's amazingly unscarred by all this!

My 8 yr old DS has had long hair since he was a toddler. He had it all cut at his own request 2 yrs ago..hated it and grew it back. He loves it and indignantly corrects anyone who calls him a girl.

Not keen on long hairs for boys either, I tend to find the parents make the choice not the child and it tells you a lot about the parents.

I tend to find the parents make the choice not the child and it tells you a lot about the parents.

You would find a conversation with my teenage son instructive, @YellowMakesMeSmile.

And what, exactly, does it tell us about the parents?

All my children have decided how long they wanted their hair since they were 4.DS 27 had mermaid length hair until chemo took it a couple of years ago, DD1 has a kind of pixie cut, DD2 has mermaid length hair DS2 has long-ish hair which I gel for him.

What does it tell you about the parents yellow compared to parents of boys with short hair?

My sons both had blond curls when they were tiny - which l ruthlessly pruned to keep the nitty hoards at bay as soon as they started pre-school. As soon as they were in a position to express a preference they both grew it long - all "but you look like a girl!" stupidity was met with a Paddington glare and "No, l look like a Viking". Both are 6' Death Metallers now and frankly look Bloody Awesome, if l do say so myself.

Point is - it was their choice and no-one elses' and people who made comments just revealed themselves to be small minded ejits and best avoided.

It’s choice how you have your son’s hair. But in answer to your question - no I don’t think I have ever seen a 3 year old with hair down to his shoulders. Especially if it’s curly - it must in reality he longer than this. There is a good chance some oriole think he’s a girl - what does it matter. If he gets upset about people thinking he’s a girl than you know what your options are.