Mum Just Lectured At Me About DS's Long Hair

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My mum has DS one day a week during working hours. He's 3. He has gorgeous long curly blond hair. We've never cut it apart from the fringe - it's quite long now (shoulders).

He is also keen on clambering about outside, and jumping in puddles. When clothes are new they don't remain looking new for long - some marks won't wash out. Some of his clothes are hand-me-downs and are not out-of-shop brand new - so have some marking.

She's just brushed his hair (making it look more brushed, but to me terrible and the lovely curls have gone) and given me a 10 minute lecture about the fact that it's not fair and that it'll be scarring him for life because people will be judging him and thinking he's either odd for having long hair while being a boy, or that he'll be scarred by being confused as a girl - and that when he goes to school he'll be teased by other children and it'll scar him for life.

She thinks her friends disapprove of his hair and his regular mild grubbiness. She finds this very difficult to deal with and feels embarrassed to be seen out with him.

I mildly angrily said perhaps she should change her friends. She said the problem was that even if I was right with my ideals and choices about how society should be, people out there are judgey and.... yep... he'd be scarred for life.

A lot of boys have long hair these days don't they?

And quite a lot of them are quite grubby quite often aren't they?

What vintage is she?

All the boys of my long ago 70's youth had gorgeous flowing locks and looked hawt Is she too young to remember?

Anyway apart from the fact she's talking bollocks, your child, your choice. She's had her turn.

Lots of suggestions to brush the kid's hair here. If you brush curly-haired kids' hair they just end up with bouffants like Lady Di. Best to just leave it be and spray curl spray into it after washing.

This is what happens when you brush my son's curly hair

Personally I don't like unkempt looking long hair on boys but it's your choice until he is old enough to express his own opinions and preferences (at his age he will want to please you, but later on it will be about what his mates think and not what you think).

Be prepared for the fact that when he starts school he will be expected to tie it back for PE and possibly all the time, depending on what the school rules are. I have taught several boys with long hair and they always had to tie it back when the girls with long hair did. Be prepared also for him picking up the inevitable nits when there are head lice outbreaks at school. I once taught a boy with quite long hair who got a short back and sides after a nit outbreak just to make treatment easier.

You could send him with a neat pony tail or a little man bun.
If you do, let us know why she said.

You should keep his hair however you like it. But if it hasn't been trimmed in 3 years, I would imagine the ends look pretty gross.

I think the Lady Di look is due a comeback.

Do all the men your DM knows have beards?

If they are clean-shaven, are they mocked in the street or mistaken for women?

I work in a school - one young boy (yr 5) has long, blond, straight bobbed hair. No fringe. He is constantly twitching his head, tossing his hair out of his eyes. And (as with girls) it should be tied back against nits but isn't.

It's grim. Not the long-ness. The unsuitability of it at school.

DC has beautiful little ringlets at the back. We do not brush them, just the top of his hair as brushing causes them to frizz and destroys them until the next wash. I never brush curly hair, it makes it look horrendous on me!

Lots of boys have longer hair, especially toddlers. They have the rest of their lives to have boring short hair if they want. Best to make the most of the baby curls now.

My 4 year old has curly blonde hair - would reach his shoulders if it wasn't curly. I just had to secretly cut his fringe because it gets matted when he sleeps (and because it was starting to get to his eyes, and that's no good for school)

He's far from scarred by it, although he has had to get used to having people reaching down and giving it a ruffle where ever he goes.

People adore it. He likes talking to people - so it's a win-win as far as he's concerned. As long as it's tidy, and out of their eyes, who cares? No-one.

My mum was the same when my boys were little, she constantly went on about their hair. It would have driven me mad, but since we call her Hyacinth and are well aware that what other people think matters more to her than upsetting her own family, I ignored her.

And yes to not brushing curly hair. Running your fingers through it is much better for it.

to be honest, when/if he goes to school and still has unbrushed hair and grubby clothes, you will be getting visits from SS.
So maybe listen to your mother now about his tidiness.
However, lots of little boys have long hair these days, it is not an issue as long as it is washed and brushed.

She's being ridiculous. Ignore, ignore.

My mum is a bit similar, though not as extreme as yours. She'd love us to cut DS's hair (he's also 3). But it's none of her business.

YANBU. My DS 7 has long hair as he is autistic and he hates having it cut. He used to have it cut very short but one day we cut it too short and the change distressed him so we only cut his fringe every now and again while he's sleeping. He goes to a special school and they are helping us moving him towards having his hair cut again, a hairdresser comes to the school and he goes to sit in her chair, but they'll only cut it a little when he is confident enough to agree to have it done.

There are several boys in his school who have long hair for the same reason, and I know others in mainstream with the same issue and other little boys who have no special needs but just wear their hair like that because they/their parents like it.

The thing about him being mistaken for a girl/teased etc is just nonsense. Loads of boys have long hair and ideas about gendered clothing /hairstyles are rapidly changing anyway, and thank goodness that they are!

Also, about him being grubby at times, well he's a young child and he's having fun.

Your mother is being very silly, and why on earth should her friends have a say in what YOUR child looks like. It's not their business.

YANBU boys are gross, mine are anyway, both of them. And one had long hair until he decided he wanted it cut. He made that decision when he was about 4 because people did think he was a girl and he didn't like it. He's not scared by it either, it's an amusing anecdote to him :)

Oh yes and there's no point in the world buying them all nice stuff because they just trash it. My two have one nice outfit each for special occasions until they grow out of it (which happens really bloody quickly!) The rest of their stuff is a combo of charity shop, matalan, asda and sainsburys.

if he is the only boy for miles with long hair then it may be time to cut it

I'm finding it really hard to find the logic in that statement.

OP, my DS9 has longer hair and always has. He absolutely loves it and would hate to have it cut. He's a guitarist, so his "look" goes with his passion.

He was called a girl at school when he was younger, but he has been brought up to respect diversity and found it very easy to say to other children, "What's wrong with looking like a girl? Girls are great", from the age of 3, with no prompting He's fab. He also dyes it blue in the summer.

If you and your DS are happy with his hair, your mother can do one. Boys with longer hair look great.

to be honest, when/if he goes to school and still has unbrushed hair and grubby clothes, you will be getting visits from SS.

OP, your mum is not the only one being ridiculous

I think you'll probably look back at photos and think, "Blimey, I should have got his hair cut!" A lot of mums do become quite besotted with long curly hair on boys - do intend to ever get it cut? What would be the cause then?

Regarding his grubbiness - see, that's a word I would only use if he looked like he didn't have a bath regularly and if he didn't start the day with clean clothes. When I see a little child with mud on their clothes it's easy to tell if they've just done that or if it's been like that for a week.

How often does he have a bath? (I'm aware this is like throwing a bomb into a MN thread.) Does he start the day with newly washed clothes?

One of mine had shoulder-length hair until he was about 10. My mum probably hated it (she's old-fashioned) but I didn't give a fig.

Sounds like he's grubby because he's having a happy, busy life. As for his hair, I don't see what harm it's causing as long has he likes it!

We have the opposite in our family. My dd is 4 and has had a short pixie cut for the past 2yrs. A certain member of my family hates it and goes on about it every time we see her, how she’d be so pretty with long blonde hair, how she’d love to see dd with plaits one day blah blah!

But at the end of the day, my dd hates having her hair brushed, and I hated trying! So we cut it all off. Dd loves it!

One day she might change her mind, but that’s up to her... as long as she promises to help me look after it.

Mine is 6 and he too has long blonde curly hair! It's beautiful and he would be him without it.

His hair is nothing to do with her and no one else will care.

@DullAndOld

to be honest, when/if he goes to school and still has unbrushed hair and grubby clothes, you will be getting visits from SS

LOL. That has to be a joke, right ? Firstly, where did the OP say that his hair wasn't ever brushed. You also don't tend to brush curly hair.

Secondly, most of the children in my class have grubby clothes because we are always outdoor learning, messy playing, painting, building fires and dens etc.

Lastly, there would have to be other concerns before SS would get involved with a child in grubby clothes. Clearly you don't work with children