Is it fair to have another dc with someone else

[miniaga]

Was talking to a friend recently. We are both lone parents and I am stopping at one due to my age and not really wanting any more, whereas she says that ideally although she would have liked more, if she meets a new partner, she doesn’t think it would be fair to the existing child that the father of the later child would love it more.

I suppose even the closest step relationship wouldn’t have the love you have for your own child, but I’ve never thought about it much, and certainly not to the extent of basing whether or not I’d have another child on it.

As I said, it’s irrelevant to me personally anyway but just wondered what other people think?

I'm glad my father did, or my younger brother and I wouldn't be here. Nor would my older brother's other half brother, if his mum hadn't!

We're all extremely close and there's no distinction between my brother and my half brother (well, I fought a lot more with my younger brother but that's because he was more annoying!!). However I do think that's in no small part because all the adults involved worked really hard to keep it smooth and amicable - can't have been that easy for my brother's mum at first. Not everyone is so lucky; I have more than one friend who has a stepchild where the other parent makes things difficult deliberately

Linning I said if they love their stepchildren MORE than their bio children they'd be a shit parent. There are some men who do make more effort with the children of their new partner than they do with their own kids.

Boopsy I feel exactly the same. No relationships for me until DS is grown. He didn't ask for me and his dad to divorce, I'm not going to complicate things even more for him by bringing another man and possibly other kids into his life.

Bitchqueen - do you think your DS would like siblings, whether half or step? Or would he prefer to be an only child (of course your ex may change that; sorry if I've missed a post). Hope this doesn't come across the wrong way; I've just never heard anyone say what you've just said before, so find it interesting.

Liz Phair has a song about introducing her young son to her new boyfriend - it's v poignant (eg: "I've done the damage; the damage is done. I hope to God that i'm the damaged one"):

m.youtube.com/watch?v=4MV8sJrsEyw

my stepfather got together with my mum when i was 8, my little sister came along when i was 10, got married when i was 11 and my brother was born when i was 15 - im 36 now, ive never called them my half brother or half sister, theyre just my brother and sister.
My stepfather (although OP as you point out i cant actually read his mind) has treated all 3 of us equally.
Emotionally and financially we have never been treated any different, he loaned me the money for my solicitor fees when i moved house - loaned my sister the money for her car (we pay him back obviously), when asked how many children he has he says 3. so far im the only one with my own child who he proudly shows off because shes his granddaughter. i can hand on heart say ive never ever felt that that he treats any of us differently or favorably.

Whilst i appreciate that may not be the norm and it probably does depend on the person in question.

Coffee - my DM was exactly the same when my half brother had kids - she practically tripped people up in the streets to make them look at the photos It's lovely when it works out, but it's a shame that it can't be like that for all families.

carryon it is something I've considered although I have no desire for any more DC. He is almost 5 and I think does sometimes get a bit bored with just me although I try to arrange plenty of playdates etc. He is happy in general though and has never verbally expressed a desire for siblings. My exh does have a long term DP - she has no children and exh says she doesn't want any and he claims he doesn't want any more either although I do take this with a pinch of salt as things could change! I am the RP though and DS spends about 90% of the time with me - spends around 2 nights a month with my ex. So his home life very much revolves around me and what I do.

I am an only child myself and so am quite self sufficient, I don't really feel the need for a partner.

The question was
Is it fair to have a child with someone else?
Because of potentially less love from step Dad.

I’d stil say that this is the wrong question. Or at least, not the only question.

There are potential benefits and potential negatives.

I’d be far more wary of blending families with step siblings, and the potential stress being a SM brings.

I also would be devils advocate and say what are the potent negative consequences of remaining a single parent whilst bringing up kids.

We cannot assume it is all positive. One of these is the potential over reliance on our children to fulfill our relationship needs. The intensity can produce a strong bond and attention, very positive. However showing our children new people can enrich their lives too.

Food for thought.

Er potentially not potent sorry!

However showing our children new people can enrich their lives too.

Well yes but those new people don't have to be romantic partners, nor do they have to live with you.

Hopefully you dont become an ex wife I think you would find it very hard as would your kids from your projection

Well I hope so too. But neither me or dh will have any other dc with anyone else anyway, nor be assuming any type of responsibility for anyone else's.

However showing our children new people can enrich their lives too

But you don;t know it will enrich their lives or ruin their lives or something in between until its already done, and the kid gets no choice in the matter.

Yes both are true. A new partner can come along and cause stress.

On the flip side the ‘protecting’ the home by not having any relationships until the children have flown the nest can also be damaging.

I’m just trying to balance the argument. It is assumed that ‘new’ people introduced within the home, new siblings, new step parents, new relationships are going to be worse than keeping the smaller blood related unit. I don’t think this is a good assumption.

And gets get no choice about either option.

Why assume they want Mum to stay single?

I don't think that's being assumed at all, its just being said that it is a perfectly valid reason not to have a second family.

We have my two biological children, my partners daughter and I have guardianship of my nephew and we are trying to have a baby together.
We love them all equally and treat them as that. We have 5 different surnames in our family. We're still a family.

I grew up with a dad who wasn’t my biological dad. I have two sisters (who are both his) and I’ve never really ever felt left out or like he loved me any less because I wasn’t his. I also have a daughter from a previous relationship and my partner and I have have been trying for a baby of our own for 18 months now. He loves my daughter (although she still sees her biological dad so he doesn’t have her calling him “dad” or anything) If by some miracle I ever had another child, I know that he would love both of them equally. Just because someone didn’t have a part in a conception, doesn’t mean they can’t feel a strong connection to them. Same as some people can have a biological connection with a child and not give a shit about them.

Also I was a single parent for many years and meeting my partner had zero negative impact on my daughter, she adores my partner and always has :)

Absolutely, @Bubblegum89 my DSis really does love her DSS as much as her own children. She doesn't encroach on his relationship with his actual parents, his mum is very much involved in his life, though my DSis was his primary carer for some years. He calls her by her name, has played her off against his mum through his teenage years, but between the three of them they've raised a well balanced young adult who is now married and in the army and has a DS of his own.

I am a step mum. I am pregnant with my own. I don't think I would ever love my SD as much as my own child. I like her. I don't love her.

But Lizzie, nice as that sounds, do you know 100% that your sisters bio children have no feelings about her loving someone elses child as much as them? Do you think it possible that they might have, or have had, a problem with that?

@pawpatrol I do agree that it is ok to be cautious about whether to have a new second family when you are a single parent. It’s a perfectly valid reason and the worries are real. I know I worried a lot!

It’s just we as humans seem to have a tendency to see risks in the ‘new’ - when there are as many risks in not doing something. Not as visible but there. Like restricting options, closing off. We shouldn’t fool ourselves to think we are automatically doing the best thing by remaining single.

I don’t think that it is possible to be damaging to children to not have another relationship, in fact I think that it’s ridiculous to suggest that it is. The only instance when it would be would be if the children were being held responsible for their parent being single, in which case they probably have bigger problems anyway.

I have what I think is probably the best of both worlds tbh. I am a single parent in so much as that my DP doesn’t live with me and won’t be any time in the near futurE. But I do have a partner and won’t be having any more children, and knowing what I know now and from experience of mine and others, I would never get involved with someone who had their own children, because the more children in the equation, the more opportunities there are for things to go wrong.

I think the “love” thing is a bit of a red herring tbh. I think that if someone treats your children as their own then one shouldn’t expect that to change if they then have their own biological children. If that relationship with the stepchildren changes so fundamentally when biological children are born then I would say that you probably never knew the individual anyway.

And feelings and relationships develop over time. There are plenty of children who have been raised by men and women who are not their biological parents but who they still have a positive and loving relationship with. I have no doubt that if you raise a child from being a baby you are going to love that child if you stay in its life until death do you part so to speak.

The reason i feel it’s unfair to have more children however is mostly to do with the unequal relationships those children are going to have even with their biological parent as well as step parents and each other. A child who only spends every other weekend in their biological sibling’s house is of course not going to be treated the same, and is likely going to be resentful of the fact that their parent has one set of children they spend all their time with, and one set they only spend every other weekend with....

Absolute rubbish! My husband was a better father to my first child than his real father ever has been! And we had two more children together! Her choice not to have anymore however!