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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it fair to have another dc with someone else

294 replies

miniaga · 12/03/2018 10:30

Was talking to a friend recently. We are both lone parents and I am stopping at one due to my age and not really wanting any more, whereas she says that ideally although she would have liked more, if she meets a new partner, she doesn’t think it would be fair to the existing child that the father of the later child would love it more.

I suppose even the closest step relationship wouldn’t have the love you have for your own child, but I’ve never thought about it much, and certainly not to the extent of basing whether or not I’d have another child on it.

As I said, it’s irrelevant to me personally anyway but just wondered what other people think?

OP posts:

CheeseyToast · 15/03/2018 09:47

Insulting? Don't be silly now. Adoption is completely different to step parenting and you know that v well. Sorry but I have no time for the professionally offended 🙄

Lizzie48 · 15/03/2018 09:49

Why do you constantly refer to biology then? It's clearly more than about biology, isn't it?

stitchglitched · 15/03/2018 09:49

I had a resident stepmum who was my main carer from very young and no real mum around. The narrative forced on us stepkids was that she was our mum and loved us all exactly the same as our half sibling who came along later. The fact is that didn't match with reality, there was and remains clear favouritism although I do have a good relationship with her and see her as my mum. But I was damaged by my experiences and the way things were handled. I would never give my children a stepparent.

Lizzie48 · 15/03/2018 09:55

And it's not totally different actually, as my DSis will tell you, as she's done both. You do have to work hard at the bond with adopted children, especially when they don't come to you as babies. And you take a risk as well, because they will at some point want to know about their biological parents and want to meet them.

I suppose in a way it's a bit different if you've adopted birth siblings, as we've done, as you know that there's a bond between them that you don't share.

GlassHalfFullOfWee · 15/03/2018 09:56

I imagine with an adoptive relationship, the bond and love comes more easily because that child needs parents to look after it and love it and protect it.

When a child already has parents, an additional parent is a spare part really. The role is redundant and there's nothing much you can really offer beyond what the parents already provide (assuming the parents are not abusive or neglectful).

My SDC and I have a good relationship. I love and care for them and I know they do me. But they get everything they need in terms of primary, emotional and protective support from their mum and dad. At best I can be like the devoted auntie. But we will never have the depth of a parent/child relationship because there's no vacancy for that in their lives.

Nkhutch · 15/03/2018 09:59

I have a child from a previous relationship. While her other parent sees her and pays the most minimal amount for her ( yes I am grateful for it before anyone bashed) my current partner ( aka her stepmum) is the most amazing other mother to her. She adores her and is everything you would expect a parent to be. She loves her, looks after her, disciplines her, financially supports her just like I do. We have another baby on the way and o have no doubt in my mind that she will love them the same. Yes things will be slightly different, as she will bond differently to begin with. She has been in dds life since she was 5 and bonding with a baby is different. But we both know it will not change how she feels about dd and she will not love one more than the other. If someone can't take a step child on as there own and grow to love them the same then they will obviously will treat them differently and IMO wouldn't be worth it I'd rather be alone

Lizzie48 · 15/03/2018 10:03

Yes, I think that's it, @GlassHalfFullOfWee that's certainly the case with my DSis's relationship with her DSS. She loves him like she does her own DCs, but he calls her by her first name and doesn't feel the same about her, although she has had an important role in his life. I think she's the sort of person who will always commit 100%. It's been hurtful to her at times.

She's pushed us to always treat him the same as her own DCs and my DHs' nephews and nieces. We've done that, but he doesn't see us as having that role in his life.

PrettyLittIeThing · 15/03/2018 10:03

Honestly I don't get why people find this hard to accept. Most people don't love other kids as much as thir own. I don't even love my nieces and nephews as much as my own kids. So I certainly couldn't love other peoples kids as much as my own.

user838383 · 15/03/2018 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nkhutch · 15/03/2018 10:15

@boopsy maybe yes however, she hasn't told me this I know from my own observations. She absolutely adores her godson also. Time will tell if she will treat them the same but there's no doubt in my mind she will

GlassHalfFullOfWee · 15/03/2018 10:16

Honestly I don't get why people find this hard to accept.

You only have to read a few threads on here to realise that it's still a very taboo subject. To admit that you don't/won't/can't love another person's child as much as your own is very upsetting and unsettling for some to hear. Usually people who are in denial about their own situations or have some sort of emotional investment in believing it to be true.

I am very pragmatic about it. If DH and I ever split and he found a new partner, I certainly wouldn't expect that she would love my children like her own. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that I'd find it quite odd if she did. I'm sure she'd find them a bit irritating sometimes and look forward to the days and weekends when they wouldn't be around. I'm not offended by that idea. I feel that way about them myself sometimes!

Lizzie48 · 15/03/2018 10:17

She sounds like a really lovely person, @Nkhutch I'm sure she'll treat them the same regardless of how she feels.

user838383 · 15/03/2018 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lookingforaline18 · 15/03/2018 14:17

To admit that you don't/won't/can't love another person's child as much as your own is very upsetting and unsettling for some to hear.

I just don't understand why it is so upsetting for them. It's just reality. To me there is a different type of love for biological children and stepchildren. For your own children it's that instense, fierce, unconditional would run in front of a bus for them kind of love. For stepchildren I really do think it is conditional and nowhere near as strong. Kind of like the love you would have for nieces and nephews.

Sallystyle · 15/03/2018 17:11

Honestly I don't get why people find this hard to accept. Most people don't love other kids as much as thir own.

That is easy to accept and totally understandable.

What I find difficult to understand is some posters inability to understand that not everyone feels the same way as they do and it doesn't mean people are kidding themselves or that their partners are lying.

I admitted that it isn't common, but when you live with the SC and have known them since they were young, it isn't that surprising that some SP might love their SC as much as their bio children.

That doesn't make me or others in similar situations delusional.

Lizzie48 · 15/03/2018 17:39

I believe it because I've had my DSis drum it in to me that I mustn't distinguish between her DSS and her own DCs. She was unrealistic because we didn't see him enough, as he was generally with his mum when we visited.

We treated him the same, though, as did my DM, he calls her Granny. What you feel doesn't matter in a way, it's actions that count.

MashLover · 15/03/2018 17:45

If me and DH split, I wouldn't have any more children and I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who had children. Very hypocritical I know. I just couldn't handle having a dp who would always have an ex in his life. I wouldn't want someone else's children in my house and I wouldn't want to look after them.

I would feel so bad for my DC if I had another baby as I would live with the babies dad and not theirs. What if my new dp was a better father? Then there's the whole thing with grandparents. My new dps parents might not accept my DCs, might treat them differently ect. I wouldn't want my DCs feeling like an spare part in my 'new family'.

But even if I decide not to have another child, my DH easily could with a new partner and so my DC would still have the whole step parent/sibling issue.

Prettylovely · 15/03/2018 18:10

U2HasTheEdge
"That is easy to accept and totally understandable.

I admitted that it isn't common, but when you live with the SC and have known them since they were young, it isn't that surprising that some SP might love their SC as much as their bio children.

That doesn't make me or others in similar situations delusional."

Totally agree U2!

PrettyLittIeThing · 15/03/2018 18:20

^^ this is exactly how I feel.

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