Is it fair to have another dc with someone else

[miniaga]

Was talking to a friend recently. We are both lone parents and I am stopping at one due to my age and not really wanting any more, whereas she says that ideally although she would have liked more, if she meets a new partner, she doesn’t think it would be fair to the existing child that the father of the later child would love it more.

I suppose even the closest step relationship wouldn’t have the love you have for your own child, but I’ve never thought about it much, and certainly not to the extent of basing whether or not I’d have another child on it.

As I said, it’s irrelevant to me personally anyway but just wondered what other people think?

Some people treat their step children equally and some may even love them equally, although I'm not convinced of that personally. But it's absolutely clear that many don't, and that this can cause immense trauma for the children. You can't possibly know in advance how it will work out so it's an irresponsible situation to create, prioritising your own desires above the risks to your childrens' happiness and mental health. Forcing them to grow up with an unrelated adult in the house is bad enough.

I think there are always exceptions to any rule, and I’m sure there are some step parents who love their step kids as their own. Not many though.

I am programmed at some base level to love my children above all others and put them first. Animals too don’t do it.

I would imagine if you adopt, then you assume total responsibility and feel the same as to a biological child. I am in total awe of the people here saying they would not save their own child above a step child. I do think that’s unusual, not wrong of course, but perhaps unnatural.

Wouldn't this totally depend on the situation? Surely there's a difference between kids in their teens and if you meet someone new when they are still infants.

• not that teenagers can't be loved too of course :)

I find this discussion very interesting. I have step-children and one of my own (9 years younger than the youngest step - child). I don't even pretend to have the same relationship with the step-children, even though I've known them since they were about 6 and 4. I think the main reason for that was that they still have their own mother who was clearly unconfortable with me getting too close to them, so I respected that and kept it a very different type of relationship than a mother-child one. If their mother hadn't been around and I had more of an 'adoptive' relationship with them then it's hard to know how that would compare with my relationship with my own DC. Also, as they were around 10yo when their half-sibling was born there was no need to attempt to treat them all equally - although obviously their father (my DP) tries to be as fair as possible with his attention etc.
It's very interesting reading how many people have step-children with 2 sets of parents who both treat them like their own kids. Just because that's not the situation for us that sounds very odd to me!

I met dh when dd was 10. He has 2 dd’s, older and independent. I think he’s done a pretty decent job of accepting dd but it hasn’t been perfect as their personalities clash and his parenting style is very different to mine. Dd is 15 now and suffering severe mental health issues. One of the many millions of things I beat myself up about is whether or not my marrying dh has contributed to this.

Dh’s bond with his own dd’s is very different to his bond with dd. He is much more tolerant and forgiving of them. But I do appreciate how much he tries with dd.

I have to say what strikes me as odd is that OP brought this up knowing that this is sometimes actually the case. Personally I think you’d never know until it happens and it’s quite a sad thought that it is a possibility as you wouldn’t want your own children’s self esteem affected. Eg the poster who said her step mother left them out of her side of the family completely.

I don't love my step son in the way I love my own children he has his own mother. I do not expect my husband to love my children in the same way as his. I don't see it as a problem my sons had their own father. They now have the benefit of a step father and my step son a step mother it is a bonus.

It totally depends on the step parent and also on how the merging of the families,new baby is handled in my opinion.
My 2 eldest adore their younger step bro and are very protective of him, step dad is a better role matter than bio dad and is very much loved and respected. Step dad has always put all children 1st with no division,they are all treated the same with no exception .Eldest adore him but I know of other families where it isn't as rosy as ours but thats because children arent put 1st and treated same so bound to cause upset and resentment.
We all appreciate how well our family is one unit and feel very lucky how it worked out for us.

Aw some of thsee posts make me sad. It's true that some don't feel the same love, mine was a prized arsehole who was the cause of a later breakdown and subsequent BPD diagnosis.
My DP loves my DD and his DS exactly the same in words and actions. He's been in her life for 9 out of 10 years. After having such an arsehole Stepdad myself it was important to find a decent, honest and trustworthy man who would treat DD fairly with genuine love and care.
They do exist and I believe him when he says there isn't any difference between how he feels. He's cried happy proud tears at her nativities, sports day, taken her to the dentist/doctors/opticians. He taught her to do her shoelaces and drops her at school every morning.
I took my time introducing them even though I've known DP for 15 years, on our first day family outing he asked if he could push the pram and I thought my heart would burst. DD adores him too, she's a Daddy's girl whereas my son is definitely a Mummy's boy. It works for us.

I know what you mean, @Iooselipssinkships I've listened to my DSis worrying about her DSS enough to know that she really does love him the same as her own DCs. When his girlfriend got pregnant at 18 and they got married after the baby was born. And then when he joined the Army.

It doesn't damage her DCs' feelings, although I suppose if they were closer in age it might. It's called being a family.

Not being a step parent I can only speculate that a lot of how a sp views sc would depend on the age of children when they did become involved in such a relationship. If very young surely the relationship would grow into love the same as for own children. If children are older then there may not be the same primal love but there could be a very caring and protective relationship.

For step parents to even have the chance of creating a significant bond with their SC the support of the parents is required though.

Anytime I do something for DSS eg homework his mum flames me and says none of my business. Her right. My husband is too laid back to call her out. Any suggestion I make regarding homework or outings to DH he completely blanks. His right.

Yet with our own DD DH will listen and take on board my views as her mum.

I work around DH for childcare. Me and DSS have told him we miss eachother as I am at work when DSS is over and can he arrange an extra evening. DH won't as he can't organise anything.

So how do I treat both the same when anytime I do something I'm either ignored or told off? Or if I can't see my DSS because my DH won't arrange it.

Someone mentioned that step dads tend to be better because they are held to a higher standard but in some situations such as my own the mum and dad put obstacles in the way.

DSS SD is passed off as a third parent by his mum because it suits her life. My DH is spineless and goes with it. But she has stated I am not to be called mum whilst SD is "dad". So SD is able to have more of a parental relationship. Its "mummy, daddy, dad and Flying". Me and SD should be the same. My DSS and DD should have the same life and routine at home where both can achieve their potential.

DH organises very little with DSS and DD. I do lots with DD. So DD gets more because mum and dad don't allow me to do more with DSS. So only way to be treated the same is to not be hands on with DD.

I know that's not every situation but parents should always be helping to nurture the relationship between their children and new partner. If all adults are on board and do their best that is the best way to ensure success.

Flying why on earth did you marry your DH then if he won't let you bond with his DS?

Someone mentioned that step dads tend to be better because they are held to a higher standard

I think it's more because a step dad is more likely to be resident with the child, whereas a step mum will be non-resident. It's much easier to form a good parental relationship with someone who you live with 12 days out of 14 than someone you see EOW.

BitchQueen it sounds stupid but I thought things would change when I found out I was pregnant. He lets me spend time with DSS but he won't organise any extra time since working pattern has changed (I work around him now we have DD). He said things would change. I talk to him about these issues a lot and nothing changes. He is too laid back about everything and doesn't get that this is serious.

Good point wildduckhunt

This is complex and emotive but basically each relationship with each child is unique. Some parents love one child more than another so it would follow that some step parents also loved one child more than another but not that they necessary loved their own flesh and blood more than a step child, especially if they had brought the step-child up from a young age.

I think it's more because a step dad is more likely to be resident with the child, whereas a step mum will be non-resident. It's much easier to form a good parental relationship with someone who you live with 12 days out of 14 than someone you see EOW.

Yes, which is why I don't understand why some people find it so hard to believe that a step parent can love all children equally in some situations.

I have noticed that the people saying they don't love their SC the same as their bio children are women, and therefore the majority of them are probably not living with their SC (except one poster I think).

Gosh from what I have read and heard in RL I think you are both making Good choices

Time after time we hear about blended stress , favouritism , people who go into split with multiple kids

From a pure ‘risk’ analysis perspective I think 1 child is a good call !

@U2HasTheEdge It was me talking about my DSis and her DSS, though I said she does love him the same as her own DCs. But actually, of course it's because he lived with them and she was his primary carer for some years, and also the bond had formed before she had her own DCs.

It must be much harder for that to happen if the DSCs only stay with you EOW.

U2 I find it difficult to understand what you cannot understand. Truly. Have you given birth to a child? We are biologically wired to protect our birth children whereas a relationship with a non-biological child takes work.

Yes I have given birth. Five times. Of course it takes work to bond and love a SC but that doesn't mean you can't love them as much as your bio children. Especially if you live with your SC and have known them since they were young.

Well of course it's possible but it isn't immediate or driven by biology, and it isn't common.

Neither is adoption driven by biology, but that's very common. This emphasis on biology is quite insulting when I have 2 adopted DDs who I adore.

I think, though, that stepmums are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Some posters thought my DSis was wrong to love her DSS as much as her bio DCs and her adopted DS. She just has a very big heart and gives of herself completely.

She doesn't express how important he is to her too much, as she doesn't want to get in the way of his relationship with his actual parents.

And with my DDs, it was immediate. It took work because they both came to us when aged 1. But if you commit yourself to a child to love and nurture them, then it's not about biology.