Is it fair to have another dc with someone else

[miniaga]

Was talking to a friend recently. We are both lone parents and I am stopping at one due to my age and not really wanting any more, whereas she says that ideally although she would have liked more, if she meets a new partner, she doesn’t think it would be fair to the existing child that the father of the later child would love it more.

I suppose even the closest step relationship wouldn’t have the love you have for your own child, but I’ve never thought about it much, and certainly not to the extent of basing whether or not I’d have another child on it.

As I said, it’s irrelevant to me personally anyway but just wondered what other people think?

My DP does not love my DS as much as his child, that’s clear. However, my older DS now has a cute younger brother, and a male role model in his life, and someone to joke with. And he has his own Dad to love him.

I think it’s better than being a single parent.

My husband loves my children from my first marriage as much as he love his bio children. There is absolutely no difference in his love at all. Despite a certain family member once telling him it was impossible.

They were young when he moved in though.

Well, if the house was on fire and there was a choice to be made, people will make the choice to save their own flesh and blood first.

Not true here. My husband would not save his bio children over his step children just because they aren't his flesh and blood.

I do think that the majority of step parents will love their bio children more though.

I see those who disciminate against chidren within a family due to biology akin to those who discriminate against those on the grounds of race etc

So hypothetically, if I meet someone new, a couple of years pass and they move in with a dc...so there are 4 dc in the house, my own 3 and one step dc...I should then be looking to change my will so that my house is split between the 4 dc if I died? After all, I should treat my step child the same.

And if i didn't do this, it's the same as me being a racist?

Mmm, if you like

Bananas saying its ‘better than being a single parent’ is a sweeping generalisation and extremely unkind to single parents. Not to mention untrue unless you have some pretty detailed statistical evidence to back it up? Would you like to take that back?

have 1 DC. Given how my step father treated me compared to siblings I will never have a child with another man. Ever.

Woah OP you were asking for perspectives! Rein that hostility in!

So hypothetically, if I meet someone new, a couple of years pass and they move in with a dc...so there are 4 dc in the house, my own 3 and one step dc...I should then be looking to change my will so that my house is split between the 4 dc if I died? After all, I should treat my step child the same.

Tbh a lot of people would think yes (I hope), My dsd will be included in my will.

Bananas I put it down to you not thinking when you wrote it. Now I see you are just unbelievably rude. How lovely for you to be so much more superior to any lowly single parent! You’re winning at life, congratulations

I do think that the majority of step parents will love their bio children more though

Just not your dh?

Tbh I think that most people who insist they know that their oh loves their dc as much as they love their own are probably kidding themselves.

A decent person will treat them the same as far as possible. But it's not the same as feeling the same.

Ask yourself one question - if your dh had a family heirloom ring, passed down for generations to the oldest son...who would be getting it? Your son? Or your dh's bio son?

It really depends on the relationship. I wouldn't but I am finished anyway. My only concern is if you broke up with the 2nd father and then found someone else who wants their own. If that relationship then fails it can be messy.

Hypothetically if I was single, and younger and If he was a lovely guy with my current DC. I don't see why it couldn't work, there are plenty of really happy blended family's.

I made a decision not to have more with someone else. I know so many people who treat their child differently from their step child. I think most people do and it's not fair.

It's not always the case, but it can be so I can understand your friend not wanting to take the chance.

I know an extended family member who has taken on the "wife work" of sorting out the kids Xmas/birthday presents so her kids get loads of good stuff and the stepkids get a few crap ones. It's so awkward that her own parents make excuses not to go over on Xmas day so they don't have to watch the kids open their presents (they try to be fair by spending at least as much on their stepgrandkids as their grandkids, but aren't made of money). I can't fathom how she can be so bloody petty and how her DH can let her do that.

I think you’ll hear cases where stepparents genuinely love their stepchildren just as much as any bio dcs, cases where they openly favour their bio dcs and are cruel to their stepchildren, and everything in between.

I think blending families or having more dcs with a new partner as a previously lone parent, is a bit of a gamble. It can work out brilliantly, or not. Raising children is hard anyway, but it becomes a lot more complicated ime irl, when half-siblings, step siblings etc are on the scene. I personally wouldn’t do it I don’t think. I’ve always said I wouldn’t remarry if Dh and I split it I was widowed. Not until all my dcs are grown up anyway. But that’s purely down to the awful stepparent / stepchild relationships I’ve seen irl. It’s put me off.

My DH took on my eldest DD who was 1 at the time and he and his family fell in love with her from the get go. Never no difference with the other DC and shes always called him Daddy. Never occurs to us that she isn't technically his and if we were to ever split she'd still see her Daddy with her DS and DB 😊 She sees her other Daddy every other weekend and has a SM that end who also loves her and treats her lovely. Blended families can definitely work.

Personally I am 100% sure that DH loves his step and bio children equally. In fact, I wouldn't voice the thought, but I actually think he has a closer bond with his DSD.

A couple of factors have made a difference. Firstly that DD was v young when DH and I got together and secondly that she has no meaningful contact with her bio dad. I think it is harder to wholeheartedly take on a parenting role with unconditional love if you are aware of stepping on someone else's toes.

Even then, the step-parenting boards do indeed show that not everyone can feel the same about step-children. I'd want to be very sure of a partner before expecting/wanting them to take on someone else's bio child.

Some of it depends on the contact with the NR parent. Would it matter if step-dad didn't have the same love so long as the children were treated equally and the first child had that additional relationship with their bio dad?

(I hate the 'bio' term but it's a convenient shorthand, so please don't pick up on that)

When I was a lone parent I made the decision that I wouldn't have any more children. I'm the product of a blended family and was raised by a stepparent but although I have a good relationship with them it isn't something I would want for my own DC having lived through it. As it happens DC's Dad and I have been reconciled for several years now and had another child but he was of the same opinion as me due to his childhood experiences too. DC 1 never met a single boyfriend or girlfriend of either of ours in the 4 years we were apart.

Interesting debate as I think the step children part can be a red herring.

For example my pil have 4 children and they love them all differently and have a favourite each which is not my DH.

I have 3 children 2 DS and 1 DSD. I do actually feel differently about each of them. 1 youngest DS is an extremely loveable kind hearted little boy. He's 5 so fairly cute at the moment too. My DSD is 10 and can be extremely loveable but also tantrums and a bit sly. I will still do anything for her but she's very tiresome. My eldest DS who is 20 is a completely different character again. Very lazy, self centred and ignorant and most days I could quite cheerfully murder him but again will do anything I can for him. So in my case biology is irrelevant and I love all 3 of them but in different ways which is something I thought I'd never say.

In incredibly close to my step dad, however I would say he loves his child he shares with my DM more than me and more than his child from a previous relationship. I am ok with that though, he is very caring towards me.

My step mum on the other hand just plainly disliked me, there was absolutely no love for me - in fact she told me that when I was 5.

Tbh though I think that regardless of the step parent’s feelings for the DSC the view is likely to be different if you are the resident parent to if you are the NRP.

If your children live with you more or less full-time then it stands to reason that another child entering into the equation is just going to be their brother or sister iyswim. Yes there absolutely will be complications re step parents and other family etc but the relationship will still develop between the children as they live together and grow up together. But if the parent having another child is the non resident parent then their relationship with their existing children is already going to be different in so much as that those children maybe only come over every other weekend? Or at best eOW and a couple of nights in the week, but either way they are going to be part time residents vs the other children who already live there full-time. Bring another baby into the mix who also lives there full-time and you have a situation where actually, The part time children are automatically going to have a different relationship with their half sibling than their step siblings who live there full-time do.

@arnold

I was thinking about this thread just now and thinking there can be unfair favouritism in all families, so why does the stepchild/ stepparent relationship put me off so much?

I think it’s because with stepparents, there is always the possibility that you will sever all ties with them if they split with your parent. Obviously, some parents and children fall out and don’t speak, but ime it’s more common among stepparents and stepchildren, even sadly (ime) when the stepparent has vowed that the stepchild is like their own child and ‘that won’t change whatever happens’. Also, there is sometimes the added complication of the child’s other parent. It’s not that it’s worse than a non-blended family with no stepparents etc. It’s just more complicated and I’m not up for that, based on what I’ve seeb irl.

I have had step parents on both sides from being under 2 years old (over 30 years!). I can honestly say on either side I have never been made to feel less loved than biological siblings that came after me. I have definately felt that from my stepmothers family (literally had £2 easter eggs handed to my younger siblings while i stood there empty handed). But never from the step parents themselves. To be completely honest I am closer to my step parents than my actual parents and have always felt more attention and love from them!

Seeb? . Seen!

I’m done having children. However if me and dh split I wouldn’t date someone who wanted children with me or had children. Sure I would be a hypocrite expecting someone to accept my children but not wanting them to but frankly I don’t want extra people in my house every other weekend and I really don’t be like other people’s children much. I would be a terrible step mum, luckily I would also refused to be one.

I dont love my stepson the same way as my biological children but I do love him, I think this is also because he doesnt live with us, I think if a child lives with you, you can most definately learn to love them like your own as you have more time together to build the bond. Love is love at the end of the day as far as I am concerned he feels loved, so thats what matters and they are all treated the same when together.

My husband for example didnt love my kids straight away it takes time, Now he loves them all the same, Although he has taken them on as their father didnt want to be in their life so I think that can also make a difference.

Just not your dh?

Tbh I think that most people who insist they know that their oh loves their dc as much as they love their own are probably kidding themselves.

No, not just my husband. I am sure there are many step parents who do love their step children as much as they do their bio children. I don't think it is the majority because there are so many different set ups.

A step parent who only sees the children EOW are probably less likely to bond enough to love them the same, for example. A step parent who meets the children when they are older probably have a different relationship than what they would if they had met the children when they were tiny.

I am not kidding myself. I have no need to. He moved in when they were young and helped raise them. Blood doesn't mean all that much to everyone.

I do find it strange that people find it that hard to believe.