Is it fair to have another dc with someone else

[miniaga]

Was talking to a friend recently. We are both lone parents and I am stopping at one due to my age and not really wanting any more, whereas she says that ideally although she would have liked more, if she meets a new partner, she doesn’t think it would be fair to the existing child that the father of the later child would love it more.

I suppose even the closest step relationship wouldn’t have the love you have for your own child, but I’ve never thought about it much, and certainly not to the extent of basing whether or not I’d have another child on it.

As I said, it’s irrelevant to me personally anyway but just wondered what other people think?

@pawpatrolearworm no, I don't think it's something she's discussed with them, she's made a big issue of it with us because she didn't want us to treat him differently from her own DCs. She won't have said anything to the children because she hasn't wanted to step on his mum's toes.

The challenge has been with their adopted DS, they found that very hard. It hasn't been an issue with her DSS, who is a lot older than his younger half siblings, he was 12 when the first one was born.

TBH I think that on the whole men make better step parents than women, or possibly that women have higher standards which they hold men to when they become step parents.

Most women wouldn’t stand for a man being un-accepting of and excluding of their own children, whereas men seem to be a lot more accepting of this from women, but by the same token men are more likely to walk away from their biological children than women are so on some levels it’s swings and roundabouts iyswim.

I don’t think that it is possible to be damaging to children to not have another relationship

I agree. I've seen hundreds of threads on the issues of blended families, not so much on lone parent families. Unless of course the LP is desperately lonely being single which could impact on the children but I'd assume they'd try to remedy that if that was the case. Loneliness is foreign to me though. The more time I get to myself the better. We have a big family, lots of aunts, uncles, cousins and friends so it's certainly not a lonely life for my DS. In fact we're rarely alone at weekends and almost always have someone's kid sleeping over because we can. I would maybe consider a live out relationship at some point but zero desire for one at the moment.

I adore my stepdaughter. She is the child of my heart and I cannot imagine that I would love her less if I had children of my own.

Interesting question OP. I have two children of my own and always wanted to adopt growing up. My ideal family would be of three children and I have thought about it more recently as I know I won’t be having any more children.
I’m also trying to fairly assess myself that I would love the adopted child as much as I love mine. I would hate to adopt a child and let that child feel any different and I’m really honestly questioning myself whether I can do it.

I know someone who got pregnant with their ex just for her kids to have the same father

I think it would be insteresting to do a poll only on step children and see what they would do. After all they are the ones who have lived it. Would step children wish to add other children and a step parent to their own children’s lives as adults.

@DisorderedOrder I think tbh that many people desire living together early into the relationship while they’re still in the honeymoon phase and while, tbh, things are often still going well with the children. Then the honeymoon phase slows down, the children get used to this new person in their parent’s life, relationships with the step siblings develop (or not) and things start to go wrong but by then it’s often too late.

I know that in the beginning I really wanted to live with my DP. But circumstances beyond our control have made that impossible, and several years on I have children who still have a good relationship with him but are heading into adulthood now, I have my lovely, lovely bed all to myself all week, and if there ever are any gripes between us, we are apart during the week so by the time he comes back here things have generally been ironed out and we go back to being normal again iyswim.

In my ex’s case, she was pregnant within a year, they moved in together within about eighteen months, the problems were just developing then and now all relationships have practically broken down.

If I were to advise anyone I would say don’t move in together for at least three years, if you have teenagers possibly don’t move in together at all since teenagers are trying beings even for their own parents. And definitely don’t have more children.

Same for me disordered. I think it could may be damaging to children if the single parent put too much pressure on the child to be a replacement for a partner. I certainly would never do that with my DS. I'm not lonely at all, I have my job, I'm extremely close with my family and have plenty of friends who I socialise with. It's not just DS and I alone all day every day.

@funkky my DSis and BIL did this, they adopted a DS after having their own bio DCs (and his DS from his previous relationship). They all have a lovely relationship with their adopted DS, they had him as a foster to adopt placement, so from a newborn baby. It's lovely to witness.

Where adopted DCs are concerned, my DH and I adopted our DDs from age 1 and I can't imagine loving them more if I'd given birth to them.

I'm sure you'd really find you could bond with an adopted DC, but there is a lot to consider first. There are a lot of challenges and you have to know it's the right decision for your whole family.

I never felt loved by step-parents, but it has never bothered me. I have had 4. I feel supported, respected and cared about, by my step-father of 25 years, but there's no way he would throw himself in front of a bus as he would for his own DDs. And I know I could never love other children like my own.

From a step child perspective, both my parents remarried when I was a child. I found it incredibly hard to move in with my step Dads Family, because we moved into his life, rather than merging in the middle.

Although my Mum also leant on me as a confident when she was a single parent. It was really stressful and I had to look after the young ones and grow up quick. From the frying pan into the fire I think!

My step Dad absolutely loved me, no question, but I didn’t love him! I found it a bit much at first!

However fast forward on and when he died recently I gave one of the main eulogies. He’d actually grown into a real addition to my life.

So for me it was all a mash of positive and negative.

I’d have to say I’d never be a step Mum again though! Now that’s tough.

What? I have a very close friend who loves my daughter as if she was his too, not biologically related and "dad" isn't around and doesn't care.. I have friends who have kids with dad and stepdad too, double the love

My husband and I hade both said that if we split, we wouldn’t have any more children with new partners. Not because of loving them less, but because we both have seen several of our close friends who have nothing but hassle with ex partners over it were they are blended families. Neither of us could cope with the drama

Maybe that's more a reflection of how she would feel about a step child? Some people make fantastic step parents and some people don't.

I think it depends on the person. Ex2 was great with my kids. No one knew he wasn't their dad biologically (not a secret but not broadcast either) until we had one together. We split not long after because he favoured his son to the detriment of the others. On th flip side my sister married an amazing man who has been my niece's dad since she was 18 months old. She is now a mum herself and all 3 DCs are treated equally.

that's rubbish i would certainly have more if there were any men out there who weren't raging fuckwits

@chattymummyhere I’ve written my experience as a stepchild on page 9.
With regards to would I add a step parent to my DDs life, well I’m now pregnant with my second child who is also DDs fathers baby and I’m planning on this being my final child as 2 was always my limit.
If the unexpected happened and I end up divorced from DH I still wouldn’t want another child. I wouldn’t avoid (although as I’m happy I can’t imagine myself actively seeking) a step father for my children maybe this was helped by the fact that my experience was a good one and my stepfather was a much much better parent to me than my biological father. Also we never moved house, he eventually moved in with my mum and I.
He didn’t have his own children either until he had my sister and brother with my mum a couple of years down the line so maybe that’s why my own experience is better since it’s less “complicated”

I do agree with the PPs who have said maybe it’s easier for a man than a woman to be the step parent since they don’t give birth to their own children either.

Tbh I think that most people who insist they know that their oh loves their dc as much as they love their own are probably kidding themselves.

I think you're probably right. There are some people who truly love their stepchildren as much as their own - after all, some of them have posted on this very thread - but I suspect they're in the minority. One thing I've noticed on various parenting forums over the years is that the number of people who post "My partner loves my children as much as his own" is much higher than the number who post "I love my stepchildren as much as my own."

I don't think it's necessarily down to genetics, though. I believe most adoptive parents love their children just as much as they would if they were related by blood.

I suppose it's also easier in my case as I've never had the experience of bringer up a child that I actually gave birth to, so I have no way of comparing. But I can say that I forget at times that I didn't give birth to my DDs, or at least it's not something that's in the forefront of my mind IYSWIM. I can't imagine feeling more strongly for my DDs if I had given birth to them, though.

It really depends. I can be unfair and sometimes step parents do love their own children more, especially early on or if the step child is already nearly an adult. But also sometimes the step parents love their step children as if they were their own and see all the children step or biological as completely equal. Unfortunately this isn’t something that you can really tell until you’re already in that situation.

Sorry for sounding completely thick here ... but why wouldn't you want to have more children if you can and wanted to with a person who you loved?

There are so many other aspects of relationships to consider rather than just whether a child is biologically yours or not . I wonder if comments about step dads often been better fathers than biological is because often other dad is out the picture - think a lot of birth mums really struggle with step mums and children pick this up and feel guilty making relationships more difficult . Also think it’s easier to establish relationships at different stages in child’s life . My brother became a step father to his daughter at 12 months - he s basically her dad . Different to me who met dsd as teenagers.

My stepdad has been a better father to me that my father ever was or has been. I have never been in any doubt that he loved me and my siblings as much as his own DC. True, he and DM did not have children of their own but he is such a fundamentally fabulous person that I don’t think it’d have made any difference

I know I personally couldn’t love someone else’s child as much as my own - but that’s just me.

My friend has a step niece and her family are so good to this girl, she truly is like one of them and absolutely no difference is made between them ...but I have heard her say things about her brother like “but it’ll be nice when he has a girl of his own”. Again no malice was there when but when things like that come out it does make me wonder that exact same thing