Is it fair to have another dc with someone else

[miniaga]

Was talking to a friend recently. We are both lone parents and I am stopping at one due to my age and not really wanting any more, whereas she says that ideally although she would have liked more, if she meets a new partner, she doesn’t think it would be fair to the existing child that the father of the later child would love it more.

I suppose even the closest step relationship wouldn’t have the love you have for your own child, but I’ve never thought about it much, and certainly not to the extent of basing whether or not I’d have another child on it.

As I said, it’s irrelevant to me personally anyway but just wondered what other people think?

Very interesting thread. All the people I know IRL do not live their step children like their own and make that very known. I had a step dad growing up, he didn't love us at all (not that it bothers me, I don't think I could love step kids hence why I wouldn't be a step mum.)

Well I've never met a step parent who loves their step children as their own. All of them say they do, but it is patently obvious that they do not. I think your friend is very smart to make her decision, I wish there were more with her moral fibre.

I agree with this. So many people just jump into a rships with a person who has DC, and just overlook their DCs existence as an occupational hazard of dating, and resent the hangover from their partner's previous life with their XP.

My DSM could barely hide her resentment of me, but was so desperate for a man she latched onto my DF and hoped that by having a baby with him that he'd get bored of me. As it is, it worked.

The blame in these situations lies with the bio parent though, i think. There is no way these parents are oblivious to the fact that their DP is just tolerating their DC for the sake of it.

Lots of posters have talked up their oh's and clearly think it's a very good thing that their dh loves his step dc (their dc) 'the same' as his own bio dc and treats them all equally and so on.

From the other side of the coin, should dh and I split and he meets someone else...and starts treating his new gfs dc the same as ours and claiming to love them as much - I'd think he was a cunt of the highest order tbh. Because his OWN dc, the ones he planned, made and watched come into the world SHOULD 100% come first. Every. Single. Time.

I agree.

GoldenHeffalump I agree.

I'm very close to my DSS. He confides in me, and I truly do love him. He's been part of my life since he was a little boy and I've watched him grow into the young man he is, feel proud of his achievements, and I am invested in his future as a part of my family. But no, I don't love him in the same way as I do for the DC that I chose to have, grew inside me and brought into existence. How could I? I think it would be quite a kick in the teeth to my own DC if I did.

I don't agree that no step-parents could love their kid the same way they love their own. I agree that the majority of step-parents won't but it does happen.

I am MUCH closer to my step-dad than I am to my own father and even to my own mother.

My "step-dad" entered my life when I was 4 and my brother was 2, he was young but definitely took a father role in our lives, he actually really wanted us to call him dad as we grew up and while yes, when his first son was born we initially could feel the difference (and he fully owns up to that!) he quickly retracted back to seeing us all the same and when my youngest sibling was born there was absolutely no difference whatsoever between us all. If anything I got away with more things for being the only girl.

When he separated from my mom, I was already 18 and I think we were both a bit afraid about what it would mean for the both of us and the impact it would have but if anything it made us closer, I actually moved in with him for a while when things were tough with my mother, I live abroad and while my mother can't be arsed to text or call he always reach out and ask what I am up to and get worried if he doesn't hear from me after a week or two. He always introduces me as his daughter and I am pretty sure most people who know about me don't know I am not his. When I go home to visit, it's him I visit more than my mother. To me he is my dad, but I actually like the word step-dad best because he stepped up to the plate, he did what few guys (including my own father) do and took us as his own when he didn't have to and even now that he isn't with my mother and could litterally just stop giving a shit he still keep stepping up to the plate and being that father figure for me. I ironically also get along better with his (and my mum's) kids than with my own fully biological brother so in that sense I am happy my mum met him.

That being said I probably wouldn't have children with two different people. I have step-siblings from my biological father's side and barely know them/know about them and there is definitely resentment amongs us all. There are too many risks of things going wrong and someone feeling left-out and biological parents often seem to be blinded by love and totally oblivious to what's going on in front of their eyes. In the short period of time me and my brother were treated differenly to DSB1 we really loathed him and my step-dad and I can't even imagine how awful it is when it's absolutely constant and for your entire childhood. Just not worth the risk imo.

@NotASingleFuckToGive But then again, my DSis does love her DSS as much as her 2 birth DCs and her adopted DS, and has insisted we have to treat them all the same. But I guess that might be because he was there right from the start of her relationship with her DH and bonded with him early on.

But it's clearly not about biology either way, as they have also adopted.

I think what happens is SP and their partners conflate 'treating the same' with 'feeling the same'.

It would be awful if a stepchild was visibly treated less favourably to bio DC. That is awful, I've been on the receiving end of a resentful SP, who saw my existence as living proof that my DDad had a sex life before her.

A decent person wouldn't show visible preferential treatment towards one child over the other, because it would be cruel to make a young child feel less loved and less important than their half/step siblings. In that vein, yes they should be treated the same as "their own".

But personally, I think the DSP who say they "feel the same way about their DSC as their own children" are either lying to be noble to their DP, fooling themselves, or defying nature.

^^In most cases.

Obviously there will be exceptions to the rule, but on the whole, I think the depth of love between a parent and DC is incomparable in strength to any other feeling, and is an exclusive bond- as it's meant to be. We aren't meant to love anybody else's DC as much as we do our own- it is that love which keeps us from dying out!

Also, thinking about it; if my XH's now DW said that she loves my DS as much as she does her own bio DC, I'd think she was being false, a bit odd for saying such a thing, and be offended on behalf of her own DC really!

I don't agree that no step-parents could love their kid the same way they love their own. I agree that the majority of step-parents won't but it does happen.

I also agree with this. My Stepdad adores me, he's been there most of my life, he refers to me as his daughter. I think of him as my Dad (NC with bio father) and we're far closer than he is to his biological children. My Stepmother on the other hand has been around even longer (OW) but always resented me and made it abundantly clear. On one memorable Christmas Father and Stepmother's biological DD got an Apple laptop amongst many other things and I got £20 in a card. It's funny now but it wasn't then. Luckily my DM and DSD more than made up for their shittiness but if DSD had felt the same way about me and my DM had enabled it in the same way my life would have been beyond miserable.

A good friend has a stepchild and a biological child with her DH. We've talked about it quite a lot due to both of our histories and she says she loves her SC but not in the same way as her BC. If she and her DH divorced her BC would stay with her but she may well not see much if any of the SC again depending on the circumstances and if she even had a choice in the matter. Both she and I concur that we wouldn't have children with more than one man due to our experiences although obviously can't control what said man would do.

The point I made is that there is plenty that a new relationship can give their step child, without loving them intensely.

I wouldn’t want to not have another child just in case my DP didn’t love our children equally. He doesn’t, I never expected him too, my DS doesn’t particularly want him too he has two parents love already. A step parent can provide another perspective for the child, a different way of doing things, can lessen the guilt of feeling that Mum has no one to love her, and financial stability. Another half sibling can enrich a child’s life.

There’s more to it imho. Being a single parent is bloody hard. Rewarding, inspiring, but tough. It’s not easy finding a relationship again, and I understand why many don’t. I’m single again. I still think the whole experience of having another sibling for my older son is very positive and I don’t regret that part of it at all. Other regrets maybe! But not having a child with a different father, even though he did not love him as much as his biological child.

On one memorable Christmas Father and Stepmother's biological DD got an Apple laptop amongst many other things and I got £20 in a card. It's funny now but it wasn't then. Luckily my DM and DSD more than made up for their shittiness but if DSD had felt the same way about me and my DM had enabled it in the same way my life would have been beyond miserable

This sounds familiar. I remember the same, one Xmas my 'D'F took me aside to say that he felt absolutely horrid having to say this, but due to being made redundant in Nov he just wasn't able to buy me any Xmas presents or they couldn't pay their mortgage. I was 12, but understood if money was so tight then having a house was more important than giving presents. When I visited next i asked SM what my baby DB had got for Xmas and she said "Oh! What didn't he get! Your Dad and me had to buy a new shelving unit for it all- go and see if you want". So I went up to DBs room, which had been mine until he was born, and lo and beyond, he'd been absolutely spoiled. I can laugh now, but at the time I felt like less than shit on their shoes.
My DSD is a legend though. I love him and I know he genuinely does love me. He and my DM divorced years ago but he's my Dad, and even now he's remarried, has never forgotten me or my DC.

"Lots of posters have talked up their oh's and clearly think it's a very good thing that their dh loves his step dc (their dc) 'the same' as his own bio dc and treats them all equally and so on.

From the other side of the coin, should dh and I split and he meets someone else...and starts treating his new gfs dc the same as ours and claiming to love them as much - I'd think he was a cunt of the highest order tbh. Because his OWN dc, the ones he planned, made and watched come into the world SHOULD 100% come first. Every. Single. Time."

But it doesnt just happen like that does it, It happens OVER TIME.
I wouldnt think someone was a cunt for loving kids like their own?

As for thinking your kids should come first every single time, what do you mean by this?
You do realise step famillies or any family for that matter dont work when one child is favoured or put first, treating them equally whether loved or not is how famillies work and is better for every child.

Pretty I mean exactly that - that they should come first every time. Before dh's new girlfriend and before his girlfriends kids. They're her dc, not his.

All this talk of blokes treating step dc just as their own and being as close to them as their own dc I find really sad for the bio dc tbh.

Not all bio dad's are present in their children's lives though Golden. The fact that my child's dad is an absent one is the reason I chose not to have any more. I think having a sibling with a present dad when your own dad isn't around could be detrimental to a child and amplify the abandonment, hence my decision.

To be honest I think if parents say they love their stepchildren more than their bio children I'd think they were pretty shit parents to their bio children.

I totally agree that while you can love a step child deeply, do your best to treat them fairly and equally, but I strongly believe that for many (perhaps most) step parents, they will love them differently to their own. I think it also depends on whether the step parent is resident or non resident.

I'm a no resident step mum. I love DSD to bits, want to be there for her when she needs us, encourage the bond between her and her siblings (and get a huge amount of joy from seeing and hearing them together) but I am not her mother. I love her for the wonderful young woman she's become and we're very close - but I do not love her in the same all-consuming way that i do my own dc. She would agree that's totally normal - after all, she doesn't love me in the same way she loves her own mum either.

"All this talk of blokes treating step dc just as their own and being as close to them as their own dc I find really sad for the bio dc tbh."
You really begrudge a child receiving equal love from a step parent I find that sad tbh.
They are children at the end of the day, They dont see blood, my stepchild and my own children have grown up together from very young ages they see each other as siblings which I think is lovely they also love their new siblings.
Hopefully you dont become an ex wife I think you would find it very hard as would your kids from your projection.

To be honest I think if parents say they love their stepchildren more than their bio children I'd think they were pretty shit parents to their bio children.

I'd think they are shit parents too. I think people who feel like that are in the very very tiny minority though. I could never fathom for one second loving my children less than my stepchild.

It's about treating children fairly, basically. We all treated my DSis's DSS the same as her own DCs because we wouldn't have left one child out. And my DSis does have a close bond with her DSS so we've respected her wishes to treat him the same as the others.

Not having the same love is fair enough, it's favouritism that's wrong.

They are children at the end of the day, They dont see blood

This is the kind of thing parents say, they probably actually believe it. But trust me, they do see it. They are not idiots. Parents convince themselves that the children couldn't be happier with step and half siblings and everything is wonderful, because they need to think that to justify the choices they made.
And sometimes the kids are very happy, and sometimes they are not, but they always feel the differences and understand them.

What do you mean trust you they see it
Do you know my kids personally? No? My children and step child have known each other since toddlers and a baby, they dont know any different we had to tell them about the blood difference.
We have had alot of talks about that as it took quite a while for them to understand.
Why are you saying I am trying to justify the choices I made like there is something wrong with it. You are so rude!

I'm not rude, but your reaction pretty much proves my point. Adults like to paint a picture of their blended families and convince themselves the children don't even understand that they aren't related...of course they do!

I think it's easy to project adult anxieties on to children, though, @pawpatrolearworm for example I doubt that a child would understand the difference between half sibling or step sibling, and I don't see them worrying about it.

When my DSis had her own DCs, her DSS couldn't understand how it was that there was no connection between them and his mum's DCs from her second marriage. He found that very confusing. So he didn't understand at all, despite being 12 at that time.

My reaction calling you rude after you trying to tell me how my kids think and feel when you dont know them, and making out I have made bad choices in having our family, I think I could have called you alot worse tbf.
As for biology again no you are wrong even my stepsons mum was telling me he was having trouble understanding he gets it now though. They had to be told multiple times over a period of time as they would forget what they were told.

Anyway no point wasting the day arguing with strangers on the internet of how my kids think and feel, Seems pointless, I was just putting a side a point that yes blended families can be happy ones.