Is it fair to have another dc with someone else

[miniaga]

Was talking to a friend recently. We are both lone parents and I am stopping at one due to my age and not really wanting any more, whereas she says that ideally although she would have liked more, if she meets a new partner, she doesn’t think it would be fair to the existing child that the father of the later child would love it more.

I suppose even the closest step relationship wouldn’t have the love you have for your own child, but I’ve never thought about it much, and certainly not to the extent of basing whether or not I’d have another child on it.

As I said, it’s irrelevant to me personally anyway but just wondered what other people think?

I doubt that a child would understand the difference between half sibling or step sibling, and I don't see them worrying about it

That is so patronising, and so untrue. It's a very simple thing to understand. My 5 year old understand it very easily. If your 12 year can't, I would be seriously worried.
Adults delude themselves that the children are completely oblivious and have no issue with it. Sometimes its true, but not usually. Why do people think their children are idiots with no feelings?

No it's not, some adults don't and use the wrong terms! I just demonstrated how my DSis's didn't understand the relationships because they hadn't been properly explained to him. (Although the point there was that there was no relationship between DSis's DCs and his other half siblings.) It needs to be explained. I know that because I'm explaining adoption to my DDs and their other birth siblings.

You can assume understanding, it's not flipping patronising, it's life!!!

One of my friends is a step parent. They show much more love, care & investment in the lives of their step children than their natural parent (who left the family unit) does.

Mind you, it might have been because they were refusing to use the word 'half sibling' because they didn't want to differentiate between them. My DNiece is nearly 9 and very bright and has made clear she does know the difference, that her older DB is her half sibling.

I'm having to explain all the relationships to my DDs so it's NOT about being patronising, it's about spelling things out so there are no misunderstandings. You are making such assumptions about other people so just stop it!!!

If my relationship with DP were to end I wouldn't even consider having another child with someone else later on. DD is my priority and I wouldn't want to bring other children, whether step or half siblings, into her life. There is just too much potential for unhappiness imo, there is enough scope for competitiveness and favouritism between full blood siblings without bringing more unrelated children into the mix. My desire for a relationship would never come before DD

You can assume understanding, it's not flipping patronising, it's life!!!

I assumed that if a child has step/half siblings one of the adults in his life would take the time to explain what that means properly. How silly of me to assume that, clearly

If no-one has done so, they are much more likely to be the parents who don't know how the kids feel.

Why do people think their children are idiots with no feelings?

Because it's their justification for acting in a way that primarily makes the adults happy.

'Why do people think their children are idiots with no feelings?'
*
Because it's their justification for acting in a way that primarily makes the adults happy*

I don't think this is necessarily true. I think with my DSis she was trying too hard to not make her DSS feel left out of things. It made it hard for us, because we had to treat him as as much my DNephew as her own DCs, so we weren't allowed to use the term half sibling.

It came from a place of love, she's had a major role in his life as the primary carer for a few years, but it clearly caused misunderstandings, which was unfortunate.

But don't assume negative reasons, a lot of people are acting in the way they think is right.

All this talk of blokes treating step dc just as their own and being as close to them as their own dc I find really sad for the bio dc tbh.

My husband only has children with me.

He obviously met 'my' children before he had his own bio children. His bio children aren't sad because he loves all of them equally.

Some people aren't capable of loving step-children as much as they love their bio children. That is fine and understandable, but just because you can't imagine it doesn't mean that others aren't capable of it.

I don't understand why people can't accept that it is different for everyone.

Maybe it is different for some men, in the sense that they don't carry and give birth to the children? Maybe it is easier for them to love SC equally when they were around first and had built up a bond. I already had that overwhelming love etc when I was carrying them, but it took my husband longer to bond with them as babies than it did me.

Just thinking out loud really.

I'm sure they do think its right, but they are doing it for themselves and their own feelings, even if they don't realise it.

I'm so sick of seeing people on here go on about how children feel and think, when they don't know. When adults talk about their blended families and how they are above terms like half and step siblings and they are all the same. The children know the difference. They see it, they feel it, they know. They may not care, they may be perfectly happy with the situation, or they may not, but it is insulting and patronising to them to pretend that what is true is not true. It's their choice whether to consider a half sibling as a sibling or not, not yours.

@U2HasTheEdge but then curiously, everyone is agreeing that adoption is different, but there, too, the mother doesn't carry or give birth, does she? Actually my DSis is a birth mum, stepmum and adoptive mum and for her she loves them all the same. It clearly is possible, although she possibly did push it too far, having discussed it on here.

@BitchQueen90

I would think it's very rare for a step-parent to love their step child MORE than their own though as seen on mumsnet many families are disfunctional and bringing someone into this world doesn't always mean loving them unconditionally. I love my step-dad more than I love both my biological parents but he doesn't love me more than my (step) siblings, he loves me equally.

His kids were born AFTER my step-dad had been with my mum for a few years. I was 6 when his first son was born and we had bonded in that time. We all grew up as one family unit and while yes my younger brothers know we aren't full blood siblings we just consider ourselves siblings as we all grew up under the same roof. There is nothing shit about them not being loved MORE than me, they aren't loved any less and they genuinely wouldn't know any better. They also don't expect to be loved more (ironically!), they have an amazing dad who cares for them and they get to grow up knowing that their father is a good guy who stepped up to the plate even with someone else's kids. I don't get to have that, my bio dad is shit is as is my mum most of the time. Things probably would have been different if he had got with my mum when I was a teenager or his kids had been born first but as it happens I was young (my brother was a toddler) when we first met and he has been around for about 20 years now so I don't find it strange that he grew to love me equally. His love for me doesn't take away from his love for his own biological children.

He provides for them, show up at their games/events, is there for them emotionally and financially and even though he separated from my mum he didn't walk away and immediately asked for custody half of the month so he can see them as much as my mother does. Does his love for his step children really makes him a shit parent to my siblings? Really?

Most Bio parents barely step up to the plate so as long as a parent takes care of his kids the way they should who cares if they show and feel the same kind of love for their step-children?

Actually, though, I'm saying how my DSis and BIL are handling it, or used to, DSS is nearly 21 now so that part is over. I think they saw the term 'half sibling' in a negative light, and that's why they reacted like they did. We just respected their wishes.

We're not doing that with our DDs. They're full birth siblings and they have an older half sister living with another family and a younger brother who is also a full sibling. Try explaining that one to young children! But they are being told the truth about their family relationships.

I have two boys if me and my husband broke up no way I’d have more kids with another man, I wouldn’t want them to feel different in the family home and yes I also believe that a step parent wouldn’t live them as much as there own. So for me no I wouldn’t do it either as I don’t want my boys to feel different in anyway

My kids are expecting their half sibling, and I thought they may be a bit weird about it but nope... it’s their brother. “He’s going to be like a miniature version of us”, “you’re making another one of us”, etc. They’re so excited and they see him already as a full brother.

Of course we had a lot of time of my OH bonding with my kids and it’s not like I’ve just gone from 2 kids to being randomly impregnated by a rando. He’s a dad to them, he’s more worried that he wont bond with new baby because of how awesome the boys are, they’re into everything he’s into and they’re like his little apprentices. (I’ve told him it’s a normal feeling though and new baby will also be awesome).

My ex I don’t think would have been so good though. It depends on the person, it depends on the bond, it depends on the kids. Maybe if I had shitty kids he wouldn’t have bonded so well, but they just glued together and he’s always wanted to be a dad, he didn’t even think we would end up having more at first so he’s fully committed to them.

I know a man who genuinely loves his biological child as much as the child his wife had from a previous relationship. Both kids now grown, no problems re family whatsoever. Depends on the person imo.

I think that the half element of sibling doesn’t need to be accentuated to children tbh, or are you saying by that token that e.g. children should be referred to as your “adopted” sibling in instances where a parent has adopted as wel as biological children.

I do absolutely agree that with blended families there are a number of issues and that most parents don’t actually sit down and consider the implications of blending families before they do so, however if these issues exist within blended families then it does stand to reason that they will also exist in situations of adoption and fostering, and yet anyone would be lynched on here for suggesting that adoption is possibly not a good idea due to the impact it will have on biological children when in fact the impact should very much be considered IMO.

But back to terminology, my DC have half siblings by their dad, I certainly don’t make reference to them as their “half” siblings when referring to them, how churlish would that be?

I agree with you absolutely, @ChaosNeverRains it's about making sure all the DCs feel part of the family and not excluded in any way. I don't see that as patronising.

And you're right about adoption too. My DDs are birth siblings so we don't have that issue. But my DSis and BIL adopted their youngest and it was very hard on their other DCs. It really does need to be explored if you're applying to adopt. But I think them being a blended family helped them adjust, they knew that families come in all shapes and sizes.

But back to terminology, my DC have half siblings by their dad, I certainly don’t make reference to them as their “half” siblings when referring to them, how churlish would that be?

Well of course you don't, why would you? The problem would be though if your children did refer to them as half siblings and you told them not to, or never explained to them what half siblings mean in the first place. It's for them to decide what roles people fulfil to them, not yours.

Tbh, I've seen the terms 'half siblings' and 'step siblings' used interchangeably so often, and by adults. It may well be that children are less confused by this than adults, possibly because blended families are more the norm now than they used to be?

They should be, again if it has all been properly explained to them. I know of one family where the eldest child doesn't know her mother is actually her step mother, and her eldest brother is her stepbrother, and her younger brother is her half brother. No idea, she thinks they are all one bio family.
I think that's abusive. She's happy now, but when she finds out how is that child going to feel?

I agree. But that's how it how it used to be. My aunt, now 90 years old, didn't find out that the man she knew as her father wasn't biologically related to her until her wedding day. And children regularly weren't told they were adopted until they were adults, and sometimes didn't find out until their adoptive parents died. It wasn't considered abusive back then, it was how things were done.

But yes, obviously I'm not saying it was a good thing, and SS do require adoptive parents to be open with children about their backgrounds.

We're thoroughly open with our DDs. And my DSis's DSS did know about his own family and that my DSis wasn't his mum, he called her by her name. He just couldn't work out why his younger half siblings had no connection with his mum's children from her new relationship weren't connected with them.

Boopsy that's made me feel quite sad, poor thing.

I RTFT but can't recall many (any?) people saying, from the point of view of them as a child, that they felt the same love from step-parents and weren't aware of being 'other'. But lots of parents are sure that their blended family does have total love equality. That's not pointed at anyone, btw, and god knows people are entitled to happiness after a split. But it's just such a difficult situation, for all it's so commonplace in modern life.