Is it fair to have another dc with someone else

[miniaga]

Was talking to a friend recently. We are both lone parents and I am stopping at one due to my age and not really wanting any more, whereas she says that ideally although she would have liked more, if she meets a new partner, she doesn’t think it would be fair to the existing child that the father of the later child would love it more.

I suppose even the closest step relationship wouldn’t have the love you have for your own child, but I’ve never thought about it much, and certainly not to the extent of basing whether or not I’d have another child on it.

As I said, it’s irrelevant to me personally anyway but just wondered what other people think?

Ruling out the idea of having children with someone in the future just because that person probably won't love your existing child as much as you do is being ridiculous and precious

It really isn't, and if you think it is I hope you are not a step parent.

I would say it is some of the situations I read about on here that are ridiculous, some of the chaotic home lives and relationships that people choose to inflict on their children. Making a decision not to have more children in an environment that a parent feels would be challenging is absolutely sensible.

tbh, any reason a parent/person decides to not have children/more children is a perfectly valid one for them and NEVER ridiculous or precious.

I'm gonna go against the grain here and say I don't love my step children as much as my own DC. I love them, I treat them the same, I want them to have happiness and success.

However I love my own child more. It's just how it is for me. But I'm not a great kiddy person. I struggle when my friend asks me to look after her children, not because I don't like hem but because I don't do other people's kids.

I'm gonna go against the grain here and say I don't love my step children as much as my own DC. I love them, I treat them the same, I want them to have happiness and success. However I love my own child more.

It's normal- biologically you're meant to love your own DC over anyone else's. We are mammals, highly evolved ones but mammals all the same- and evolution has taught us to love and value our own offspring over the DC of other people.

A few years ago, there was a story of two male penguins mating in a zoo, and this fact was used to support the fact that same-sex relationships are not abnormal or wrong, and your sexuality is clearly not a choice, because homosexuality is observed in many other species than humans.
But by applying this same principle; look at what happens in the animal kingdom when a male chooses a mate which already has offspring from another male. In a lot of cases, the new male just kills them to start again, it's known as sexual conflict infanticide. This happens in many mammals. There is just no place for another male's young when the new male comes along, and this is observed in many species, including primates.

Now obviously I'm not saying that step parents don't love their DSC, but it is different. I think anyone who says they love their DSC like their own, likely don't have their own DC to compare that feeling to. It's just not the same.

that's not in any way against the grain, its the standard.

I'd actually be slightly distrustful of people claiming to love their SC exactly the same as their DC, unless they had been parenting them pretty much from birth.

All situations are different though. My dh adopted my dd and her dad isn't around. He does feel the same about her as the subsequent children we have had together.

My exh has a long term DP (they're not married) and I wouldn't expect her to love my DS to be honest. I obviously want her to be kind to him, accept him and always make him welcome (and she is and does) but I'd never expect her to feel the same way about him that I do.

She has no DC herself though and according to exh she doesn't want any.

I'm a lone parent and feel strongly it would be unfair so don't plan on having other children with a new partner. The children will be treated differently by each of the fathers eg if one is rich and one is poor or only if one has contact with their father and only one child gets to live full time with both parents etc etc

I've made the mistake once, wouldn't risk it again.

I love my DSS as much as I love my own, but we're in a situation where I've been with his Dad since he was very young. His mother died when he was a toddler and I have been the mother figure in his life for 16 years, so it's a different situation.

DH absolutely adores my two DDs. Again they were young when we met. But their Dad has been around, albeit sporadically and that has meant he has a different relationship with them than I have to DS.

The key for me isn't how you feel about a child, it's how you treat them. If you ask my DDs they'll tell you that DH loves them as much as DS or our younger child. I only know that he struggled with it because we have had some very honest conversations over the years.

That to me is the key, along with the fact that we both treat all the kids the same. People don't have problems with their step-children because they feel differently about them, they have problems because they allow those feelings to change how they deal with them, or what they do with them. I wouldn't have married DH, or had children with him, if he'd shown a difference in how he treated his DS to how he treated my DDs.

I had a friend whose DP treated his DD like she was a Princess whose every whim was to be catered too. He treated her DD like she was a nuisance to be barely tolerated. Why she was remotely surprised that their DD was treated much better by him than her DD I have no idea.

I get her point too and wouldn't have more children with another partner if suddenly single.

I have never met one step parent in real life who doesn't show any differences in how they treat the children and its very clear that they love their own child more to both others and the children even if only subtly.

Having grown up within a similar situation I absolutely hated it and wouldn't ever put a child through it.

I think step parents of children who only have one parent and the other parent is off the scene or dead, can love their step children much more easily than step parents of children where the other parent is still very much present.

It feels wrong to say I love my step child as much as my own dc (although I do love them) because my DSC’s mum is still very much around and present in their life. I don’t know that you can love a child as your own when they obviously already have a mother. I can imagine loving a child that didn’t have a mother (or father) though.

No. If my DH and I separated I don’t think I’d even bother dating again. At least until my daughters were adults themselves.

I just don’t want blended families and step parents for them.

Itsuaddict I know because me and my dh have always been very honest with each other, There was a time he didnt which is very natural, he has known them since they were a toddler and baby he has brought them up as their father was not in their life.
He is going to adopt them.

You may find that difficult to understand but thats because you are different to him everyone is different which is why you will get different outcomes in any situation in life.

Tbh I think that most people who insist they know that their oh loves their dc as much as they love their own are probably kidding themselves.

Completely agree.

Glasshalffullofwee thats exactly how I feel.

My DS1 is my DH step child, he does everything for him, he's been in his life since he was 2 ( now 14) so he's never known any different.

DH is great with him, however I will say I do see the difference between their relationship and DH and DS2 (biological son) relationship. It's just different. However I personally think that it's natural and as long as DS1 doesn't notice and is still treated equally then I think it's fine .

I don't think there is anything wrong with the love you have for your own children being stronger than the love you have for your stepchildren, especially when your stepchild's other parent is very much involved in their life.

There was a thread on here recently when a woman had recently split with her partner and was upset about his lack of interest in seeing the kids. It turned out that he was their stepdad, not their dad (but had been their father figure for many years). Almost every poster on the thread said “but you can’t really expect him to have them for regular contact when they’re not even his kids”. I think that says it all really.

I wholeheartedly love my step son as much as I love the children i gave birth to prior to meeting him, and as much (if not more at this present moment) as the children I am currently carrying. I was lucky enough that his mother has allowed me to also connect with him as a mother and love him accordingly. I know it isn't always the case. I'm very appreciative.

My step parent is the only parent of that gender ive ever known, been in my life since before I can remember. Didn’t change a thing when it came to step vs biological. My biological parent would swear blind we where always treated the same. Rose tinted glasses and what not.

It's very possible for step parents to love their step children. Also very possible for them to hate them.

But I would be very surprised if a person chose to save their step child over their biological child. I know people on here say they would definitely without question, but really if your own child was drowning and so was your stepchild, you would save your own child first. It's an instinct to save your kid, it's not nasty, it's just instinct. Your own child you created is in peril, of course you'd save them first. Doesn't make the step parent evil for not picking their step child, it makes them human. Until you are in that position of being forced to choose, you can't know, but I would be way more shocked at someone not choosing to save their own child than to see them not choosing their step child. There will always be a difference, however minute. Doesn't make the relationship any less however.