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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it fair to have another dc with someone else

294 replies

miniaga · 12/03/2018 10:30

Was talking to a friend recently. We are both lone parents and I am stopping at one due to my age and not really wanting any more, whereas she says that ideally although she would have liked more, if she meets a new partner, she doesn’t think it would be fair to the existing child that the father of the later child would love it more.

I suppose even the closest step relationship wouldn’t have the love you have for your own child, but I’ve never thought about it much, and certainly not to the extent of basing whether or not I’d have another child on it.

As I said, it’s irrelevant to me personally anyway but just wondered what other people think?

OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 12/03/2018 12:56

I think anyone who believes a step parent wouldn’t save their biological child over a step delusional to be honest. We all would save our own first over someone else’s it’s the inbuilt need to protect our children.

Madmarchpear · 12/03/2018 13:03

I think its lovely if they genuinely do but it is definitely not the norm in my experience. I was a child who saw my dad once a fortnight after he set up home with another woman so I am bitter and screwySmile. I would definitely not have another child if my marriage ended. I know my kids and they would be devastated.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 12/03/2018 13:08

It’s depends on the person. My husband absolutely loves my daughter as much as he loves our son. He even wants to start court proceedings to adopt her officially and be legally her father.
Where as I really dislike other people’s children and if me and my husband were to split up I would not consider dating a man with kids.

Sallystyle · 12/03/2018 13:12

It is not delusional.

I think it is more delusional to believe that everyone feels the exact same way. It is possible to feel that protective love for step children in some circumstances.

My children aren't 'someone else's' children to him. It's as simple as that.

Prettylovely · 12/03/2018 13:34

No nothing delusional here.
Everyones situations are different and every person is different I dont think you can presume everyone thinks the same as you as that is simply not true.
What do you suppose people think when they adopt are adopted children never to be loved completely in your world either?

Chattymummyhere · 12/03/2018 13:36

Nobody knows what anybody else really feels deep down. Let’s face it we all love/trust/believe our partners and think the best of them but deep down we don’t really known what they are thinking or want. Plently of men and women put on the show of perfect partner doting parent/step parent. You only have to read posts on here to show despite the show put on that some step parents actually hate the child with a passion while pretending to be all nice to the people they need to. Obviously there are the occasional exception to the rule but most normal people would completely prioritise their biological over non. The Aibu posts because new partners children don’t go to private school but biological ones do, bedroom division between the biological children and step children, holidays, expected behaviour, punishments etc.

Chattymummyhere · 12/03/2018 13:38

I’m not saying not loved just that people all the time treat biological and step different and the love will be different. In cases of no biological children that will be different but where you have a biological child vs step child situation you can take really expect the step parent to not be on the biological child’s side.

Pleasebeafleabite · 12/03/2018 13:40

Every family is different but having a sibling can be a lovely benefit particularly later on in life. I have a stepbrother and my dc are steps and have older stepsiblings and we are all really close

Prettylovely · 12/03/2018 13:42

You cant presume that they DON'T though can you chattymum? Because you dont know.
Also think thats rubbish about putting on a show and then writing stuff on here, If there are issues in step families the partner is very likely to know.

Arapaima · 12/03/2018 13:42

I can readily think of examples of both - step parents who treat their step children just the same as their own DC, and step parents who don’t.

Prettylovely · 12/03/2018 13:44

Also in regards to treating them differently I dont and thats as much for my childrens benefit as it is for my step child.

Oysterbabe · 12/03/2018 13:50

I'm sure that some stepparents love all the kids the same but I would guess that isn't true in the majority of cases. Whenever my sister argues with her husband he always brings up how he's supporting some other bloke's kid.
It's easy for me to say but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have any more if my relationship broke down.

LardLizard · 12/03/2018 13:52

How many step parents keep in touch with their step kids after a split? Not that many I bet

Prettylovely · 12/03/2018 13:54

How many dads keep in touch with their children after they split?

Pleasebeafleabite · 12/03/2018 13:58

I know a few examples lardlizard

Prettylovely · 12/03/2018 13:59

Not every step family parents split up either , Unfortunately step parents dont have rights so on splitting up that might also not be their choice on not seeing the children as they won't have PR.

Myheartbelongsto · 12/03/2018 14:01

I have a step son, he lives with us, no mum there. I do everything for him as if I was his mother and I care about him very much but I don't love him like I love my own. I don't love anyone like I love my own children.

Hoppinggreen · 12/03/2018 14:06

One of DD’s close friends was brought up solely by her mum, the only other family was abroad and Dad nit involved at all so for 10years it was just the 2 of them
A couple of years ago the Mum met a man and quite quickly got pg. the man is a teacher with no previous children and although he does treat his dsd well he obviously just doesn’t feel the same about this 13 year old he only recently got to know as he does his own baby. The Mum is oblivious and is always all over Fb talking about their amazing family -or maybe she’s trying to convince herself because deep down she knows.
Everyone is genuinely doing their best but the poor girl is absolutely distraught at having 2 new members of their family that she didn’t ask for or want, I know this because she spends as much time here as she can.
I dont think anyone has done anything wrong and all the people involved are nice people doing their best but that girl was much happier when it was just the 2 of them BUT Mum probably wasn’t
It’s very hard

Mia1415 · 12/03/2018 14:11

I think it’s better than being a single parent.

I completely disagree. And that is probably why I will remain a single parent.

Bodicea · 12/03/2018 14:12

I think most dads forget or don’t show their first family as much love if they have kids with someone else.

Pinkvoid · 12/03/2018 14:22

You do have a responsibility to your DC to ensure that whoever you’re choosing to have another DC with will respect and care for your DC in a way they deserve. I don’t believe any step parent necessarily needs to love their stepchild as much as their bio child but they should respect and care about them and their safety in equal measures.

I wouldn’t expect my DP to love my three DC in the way their Father does or in the way he’d love our bio child at all but it wouldn’t make me hesistate about having a child with him. What would make me hesitate is whether he would try to outcast my DC in any way or treat them unkindly and that’s what you have to be careful about.

Sallystyle · 12/03/2018 14:25

Plently of men and women put on the show of perfect partner doting parent/step parent. You only have to read posts on here to show despite the show put on that some step parents actually hate the child with a passion while pretending to be all nice to the people they need to.

I don't believe for a second that there are people out there pretending to be a doting step parent when they actually hate the child, without the other parent realising it.

My oldest is almost 19. I have never doubted my husband loves his step children less than he does his bio children. I think at this point in our lives if that was the case I would have an inkling by now.

most normal people would completely prioritise their biological over non.

It doesn't make you abnormal to love your step and biological children equally. I can't think of one time where dh has prioritised his bio children, simply because they are his bio children. It has never happened.

Sallystyle · 12/03/2018 14:27

You do have a responsibility to your DC to ensure that whoever you’re choosing to have another DC with will respect and care for your DC in a way they deserve. I don’t believe any step parent necessarily needs to love their stepchild as much as their bio child but they should respect and care about them and their safety in equal measures.

Yep. You don't need to love a step child as much as you love your bio children, but it is a bonus if you do.

BitchQueen90 · 12/03/2018 14:27

One of the reasons I have decided to remain single until my DS is grown is that I don't want the added complications that stepfamily situations bring. I think they're more hassle than they're worth.

I know I'll get shot down and there are happy stepfamilies but it's just not for me, I couldn't deal with it.

wildduckhunt · 12/03/2018 14:28

Treating step children the same is not the same as loving them equally. Anyone who insists that their DH loves their children as much as he loves his own is very naive.

I also think that men are more likely to be influenced by how they feel about the mother of the children. It's the only way I can think of explaining the phenomenon of men who were good dads, who turn into shit dads on divorce, and good dads to their new families when they remarry.