Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it fair to have another dc with someone else

294 replies

miniaga · 12/03/2018 10:30

Was talking to a friend recently. We are both lone parents and I am stopping at one due to my age and not really wanting any more, whereas she says that ideally although she would have liked more, if she meets a new partner, she doesn’t think it would be fair to the existing child that the father of the later child would love it more.

I suppose even the closest step relationship wouldn’t have the love you have for your own child, but I’ve never thought about it much, and certainly not to the extent of basing whether or not I’d have another child on it.

As I said, it’s irrelevant to me personally anyway but just wondered what other people think?

OP posts:
Prettylovely · 12/03/2018 20:17

So do I ItsuAddict which is why I believe my husband.

Madmarchpear · 12/03/2018 20:25

Eilasor. You will feel differently within 30 seconds of your own children being born. Call me old fashioned but I'd find disappointing if my partner claimed to love my children with another person as much as their own flesh and blood.

lookingforaline18 · 12/03/2018 20:28

really if your own child was drowning and so was your stepchild, you would save your own child first

This is very true ^

Lizzie48 · 12/03/2018 20:29

It's not about biology, though. My DDs are adopted and I couldn't love them more if I'd given birth to them. It doesn't make me less their mummy. When they're upset it's me they come to.

Madmarchpear · 12/03/2018 20:31

Oh I've just realised you mean you love dss as much as an existing biological child. I stand corrected. You're a better woman than me if this statement is true.

ItsuAddict · 12/03/2018 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pawpatrolearworm · 12/03/2018 20:37

It's not about biology, though. My DDs are adopted and I couldn't love them more if I'd given birth to them. It doesn't make me less their mummy. When they're upset it's me they come to

That's absolutely true, but I also think thats quite different from being a step parent?

Lizzie48 · 12/03/2018 20:39

Not necessarily, my DSis has both a DSS and an adopted DS (as well as 2 birth DCs). She loves them all the same. That's probably because she was primary carer to her DSS for a few years.

RedPanda2 · 12/03/2018 20:42

The step parent chat on here proves over and over that some step parents love their own children more than the step children

pawpatrolearworm · 12/03/2018 20:45

Pretty much all do, and I don't think most people find that in anyway suprising.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 12/03/2018 20:48

Didn't Angelina Jolie once say that she prefers her adopted children to her biological ones? Now that was a fucking odd thing to say.

Lizzie48 · 12/03/2018 20:52

Not really. You have to fight hard to adopt your children. And also knowing what kind of background they come from, and their particular needs. You have to put so much work into creating a bond with them.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 12/03/2018 20:56

Angelina Jolie on her adopted children vs her bio daughter:

"I think I feel so much more for Maddox and Zahara because they're survivors, they came through so much. Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born. So I feel less inclination for her... I met my other kids when they were six months old, they came with personality. A newborn really is this blob... yes, a blob! Hmm

With a mother like that, no wonder the poor girl now dresses like a boy and insists people call her John!

Prettylovely · 12/03/2018 20:56

ItsuAddict if he didnt he would tell me, If you read my previous post properly you would see that I said he told me when he didn't, Love grows over time, How else do you think people adopt and love their child.
Some people have big hearts and can love very easily others not so much.

Prettylovely · 12/03/2018 20:58

Thats a very good point you made there Lizzie48

pawpatrolearworm · 12/03/2018 21:05

Not really. You have to fight hard to adopt your children. And also knowing what kind of background they come from, and their particular needs. You have to put so much work into creating a bond with them

That's my point. You have to choose them. You have to work very hard to get them, and work very hard when you get them. They don't just fall into your lap when you meet someone you like, like step kids do.

StripeyDeckchair · 12/03/2018 21:05

I have DTs from ex
I have DS & DD with partner
All call partner Dad, he treats them & loves them all equally.

DTs father hasn't been in their life for 11.5 years, his choice.

SouthWestmom · 12/03/2018 21:08

I think it's about the investment you make and the other factors.

So if you adopt you are investing in a parent relationship. Usually there is no one else or a coparent so your influence is either primary or within a relationship. Your child will have one home.

If you marry someone with kids they may have an existing parent , an alternative home, all things that destabilise a parenting roles

Lizzie48 · 12/03/2018 21:12

That's true, @pawpatrolearworm but my DSis had to work hard to look after her DSS when she married his dad, as his mum wasn't around then. She possibly tried too hard, insisted that we treated him the same as our other nephews and nieces, which we did. But the bond wasn't there, he had his own family and often wasn't there when we were.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 12/03/2018 21:16

ItsuAddict if he didnt he would tell me, If you read my previous post properly you would see that I said he told me when he didn't, Love grows over time, How else do you think people adopt and love their child.

Adopting a child is in no way comparable to having a DSC. Infertility issues aside, it's a much longer and far more difficult process to adopt a child than it is to actually give birth to one.
People who adopt a child really have to be committed to the process, the genetics are not important at that stage and they are going into it with their eyes open. You need to jump through so many hoops and fulfil tough criteria in order to be considered as adoptive parents, so people who do this are clearly committed to adopting their much-wanted DC. The DNA is irrelevant, they have chosen to go down that route. Whereas nobody actually chooses to have DSC- they just accept that if the person you love already has DC, they come as part of the r'ship.

Prettylovely · 12/03/2018 21:22

He is adopting my children NotASIngleFuckToGive you can also adopt a child through different scenarios, Step children, fostering, the example you give isnt the only way.

Prettylovely · 12/03/2018 21:23

Also as you say the dna is irrelevant in adoption its also irrelevant to my dh which is why he wants to adopt them...

CheeseyToast · 12/03/2018 21:26

Well I've never met a step parent who loves their step children as their own. All of them say they do, but it is patently obvious that they do not. I think your friend is very smart to make her decision, I wish there were more with her moral fibre.

peachgreen · 12/03/2018 21:26

My uncle loves his step children more than his biological children because he's had more to do with their upbringing.

Viviennemary · 12/03/2018 21:29

There are step parents who don't love their step children as much as there own. But there are plenty of biological parents that seem to care little for their children.

Swipe left for the next trending thread