Is it fair to have another dc with someone else

[miniaga]

Was talking to a friend recently. We are both lone parents and I am stopping at one due to my age and not really wanting any more, whereas she says that ideally although she would have liked more, if she meets a new partner, she doesn’t think it would be fair to the existing child that the father of the later child would love it more.

I suppose even the closest step relationship wouldn’t have the love you have for your own child, but I’ve never thought about it much, and certainly not to the extent of basing whether or not I’d have another child on it.

As I said, it’s irrelevant to me personally anyway but just wondered what other people think?

I have seen four completely different approaches within my extended family and friendship circle. One became a stepdad to a young girl when she was 4 (she's now in her 40s!). He is for all intent and purposes, her dad (and now granddad to her kids). Loves her to bits, would give his life for her and that love is fully reciprocated.

The second example is a stepmum. She cares for but doesn't particularly love her partner's two teenage daughters and occasionally resents having to spend particular holidays/special time with them.
The third is practically the stepmother from hell. Hates her two (adult) stepdaughters, openly complains about them and would be delighted if they disappeared from her and her husband's lives.
The fourth became step-dad to two adult children a couple of years ago. Again, he loves them to bits and is always there for them, both emotionally and in terms of everyday support, even though one of the two step-children has a number of issues that makes him particularly difficult to love.
None of these step-parents has children of their own by the way. So I guess it boils down to individual personality.

The insistence that a person wouldn’t love their biological child as much as their step child does raise some other points though surely? E.g. if you adopt a child and then go on to have natural children or if you adopt a child after you have had natural children does that mean that those adopted children wouldn’t be loved in the same way as the biological children?

And before I am shot down in flames for even daring to suggest it, it’s surely a genuine consideration? Especially given that most adopted children do come with issues from that previous life which will have brought them to the adoption process in the first place?

FWIW I know of two instances where children were adopted and where there were also biological children in the equation. In one instance the adoptee is now an adult and says that she was absolutely in no doubt that her parents loved their biological children more than they loved her. And in the other case the adoption broke down because the mum said that she felt unable to bond with the child in the same way that she had with her biological child.....

I’m hoping to have at least one child with my partner (I already have 2 with my ex). I feel very lucky that my children and partner adore each other and I think he would treat his own biological child the way he treats them. If I wasn’t sure that was the case not only would we not be having a child together we would have no future so would call it quits anyway.

I'm not in this situation so possibly unfair to comment, but I would be very surprised if I had more dc if me and dh split. My dad had further dc after he split from my mum and although I have close relationships with my brothers, I'll never ever forget what it felt like when they were born. It felt shit.

I am far closer to my step father than either of his sons or my sister so I think it depends on the relationship, maybe tell her this?

I have a step daughter and I care for her, she gets treated the same as my two kids (same dad as step daughter) when she’s here but I don’t love her the same way as my children, it’s just not there.

I must confess that I do not love my step children. I care about them a lot and I put them first at all times.
I don't have my own children and I do think, more recently, that having child would not suit the children.
I'm still working out whether I could live with this as a long term possibility when I have sacrificed so much for children who are not mine.
I don't think my dp realises as he and the sc equate my care and provision to make them happy as love. I see it more as obligation and just to do my best by them because i should. I would never tell my dp the truth or for a second let the sc think I didn't care about them. I just keep it to myself.

chaos

Myself and two of my brothers are adopted and my parents have 4 biological children. I always felt we actually had a slightly easier time of things growing up than my other brothers and sisters did. We are all very much loved, but I felt we that were adopted for away with slightly more than the others did.

saying its ‘better than being a single parent’ is a sweeping generalisation and extremely unkind to single parents.

The statistics speak for themselves.
70% of young offenders come from single parent households.
47% of SP households live in relative poverty, over 24% in 2 parent homes.
85% of violent offenders in prison grew up in a fatherless household, and teenagers from SP homes are twice as likely to engage in substance abuse.

I'm not criticising single parents, I was an LP myself when DS1 was a baby, and the LPs I know are fantastic mothers to their DC. But lets not pretend it's ideal.

Not RTFT, but pretty sure Stacey Soloman said the same thing about having kids with Joe Swash.
"Speaking to Star magazine, she said: “You worry about, ‘If the father of my next child lives with me, do the other kids then feel bad about being left out?’ It’s a difficult dynamic.”
It's something a few people do believe is unfair.
And I've had 3 step parents over 25 years of my life. They were all vile in different ways, and treated their biological children better.
But I suppose like anything it depends on the person, not everyone is the same.

I'm sure that there are blended families that work wonderfully well. For me though, I know I would never love someone else's child as much as my own and for that reason, I personally would not have another child with a different father. My children both have additional needs and I think they'd be challenging to someone who was unrelated, I parent them in various specific ways that might not suit an NT child and/or might not suit an incoming adult to mine and my children's set up. It wouldn't be fair on anyone concerned to introduce all the challenges involved in creating a blended family into an already challenging situation. For that reason I stay single.

How many step parents keep in touch with their step kids after a split? Not that many I bet

Yeah, but how many desperately want to? Normally one of or both of the bio parents will be able to stop that, if the step parent ever cared about the child they will want to continue the relationship but will rarely be allowed to.

I don't believe for a second that there are people out there pretending to be a doting step parent when they actually hate the child, without the other parent realising it

Well there are. I think its usually a case of not wanting to face it rather than really not realising it, but it amounts to the same thing.

I've had three stepmothers in my life; one lovely, one ok and one absolute nightmare. What other people see from the outside is not always what is on the inside, and even what the adults think the kids feel is not always accurate.

My DH is a better dad to DS1 than his father ever was and has a better relationship with him than with DS2 who’s his child.
I guess it depends on the new DP.

Wrt Step-parents, I don't believe for a second that if your DC and your DSC were drowning, that you wouldn't save your own DC first. Of course you would- you'd be a pretty crap parent if you didn't prioritise your own DCs lives over anyone else's, and tbh, anyone who thinks there would even be a choice in that split second is kidding themselves.
That's not to say SP don't love their DSC, I'm sure that most do, and it'd be a real hard-hearted individual who would make their preference for their own DC visible to their DSC looking at you, 'D'SM.
I love my DSS, want the best for him, we're close, and I treat him no differently from my own DC. But do I love him in the same way or as strongly as I love my DC? No.

I agree wth kerry on the child’s feelings. A lot of step children won’t tell that actually it’s not ok and those that do are often told to stop trying to control the parents life and it’s up to them who they date.

My parent would say me and my step parent doted on each other, got along great one big happy family. That’s not true. I’m the child born prior with a then half sibling born to both. Life looked good to everyone but I wouldn’t ever put my children though it.

I’ve also as an adult been the one confided in by a couple step children/teens of friends who hate their step parent but the biological parent doesn’t see the faults or has told them though you leave if you don’t like it.

it'd be a real hard-hearted individual who would make their preference for their own DC visible to their DSC

I don't think thats true. It's perfectly obvious to even a fairly small child that a mother likes/loves her own child best. It's not a bad thing, as long as the SC is treated well. In fact it can be rather insulting to a child to have a pretence that there is no difference.

I don't love my dsc like I love my own children. The love I have for them is natural and unconditional. You can't just pluck that from nowhere for a child that isn't yours, whether that child is close to you or not.
Your friend is being ridiculous and precious.

Your friend is being ridiculous and precious

Putting the needs and feelings of your child ahead of any hypothetical children and your own desires is ridiculous and precious? Well I'm proud to be both then!

I think there's something valid in her thinking.

My DSis is a stepmum, she does love her DSS as much as her 3 DCs. Obviously her role in his life is different, though, as he has a mum and calls her by her first name.

Your friend is being ridiculous and precious.

She is doing what is best for her and her children.

Yes she is. Ruling out the idea of having children with someone in the future just because that person probably won't love your existing child as much as you do is being ridiculous and precious. sure they can be very fond of them and love them in their own way, but too many people kid themselves that a stepparent with love their DSCs the same as their own biological children.

TBH I do think that it also depends on the dynamic here. So for instance if the SP already has children they will know that their feelings for their own children likely differ from those towards the DSC, and TBH I do think that it is possible to love DSC the same as your own but over time, iyswim. So a relationship between SC and SP is going to be different when they start to get to know each other than it is ten years down the line when everyone is settled into a life together, and that can go either way tbh.

But I think that if a SP doesn’t already have children they can take on someone else’s children essentially as their own but but then fall pregnant and only then they will realise that the love they feel for their own biological children is different.

As for keeping up the pretence, my ex’s partner certainly did this until the point at which she moved in with him. Went out of her way to do things for the DC, for his family etc, and as soon as she moved in it was as if someone flipped a switch and all of those things disappeared. And her children are most certainly favoured. But the DC have voted with their feet and no longer go there. The upshot is that DC have no relationship with their half siblings at all and don’t even consider them to be related to them.

You should be 'precious' about the wellbeing of your children. There is nothing wrong with not wanting your child to live with an unrelated adult who will love another DC in the house more than you, no matter how natural that love is.