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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To continue a pregnancy st 46-7

288 replies

Spoog1971xx · 11/03/2018 23:13

That's it really... 46 1/2 years old pretty much menopausal and I appear to be up the duff. 😳 I ttc for 20 years ( finally got pregnant with DS at 41 with IVF) DH has azospermia. Now this happens. I'd love another child but aibu? I'm ancient and I have high blood pressure. The chances of MC are 50 percent,Down syndrome ? What if I die when the kid is ten? Jesus this is a turn up for the books. Aibu to continue this knowing there may be complications by the bucket load?

OP posts:
BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 12/03/2018 14:55

Ah blimey what a shocker for you! I've no experience with being older but I've had an unexpected pregnancy & it does take a while to get your head around it. I understand the need to inform yourself re the risks but try not to keep doing it, you'll worry yourself sick over every twinge from experience. FWIW I've a few friends & family members who've had dc in their mid to late 40's & while they've all had extra monitoring for the most part they've been very smooth pregnancies. Congratulations, I wish you a happy & healthy 40ish weeks.

iTonya · 12/03/2018 15:05

speaks up against the know-alls on here who can't BEAR it that some one doesn't agree with them = roars belligerently in the face of the handful of posters who have actually had children in their mid-40s or been the child of similarly-aged parents and offered broadly positive encouragement to the OP

heateallthebuns · 12/03/2018 15:14

My mum and dad were 43 and 45 when was born, they're both dead now which is unusual for someone my age (42), but that's just one of those things, I had my dad till just this year.

appleblossomtree · 12/03/2018 15:26

I think the issue of caring for 'older' parents is a consideration. I had to deal with a stressful situation of loosing a parent while bf a young child and also sorting out a funeral/house clearance/probate at what should be a very special time.

However you could be faced with that at any age. But I think it's fair to not underestimate how worrying these issues can be for a young adult.

notfromstepford · 12/03/2018 15:30

Congrats on your pregnancy.
I don't think it's too old, I think it's meant to be.
Take each day as it comes, but if you want the baby then keep it.

My friend met her partner later in life and had her first at 45 and her second at 48. She worried terribly about being an older mother but she died in a car crash the week before her 50th birthday - so she never saw old age.

What I'm trying to say (not very eloquently) is that you never know what is round the corner what ever age you are, so best just to embrace the here and now and make the most of every moment.

Annabelle4 · 12/03/2018 15:35

Oh wow, Congratulations OP Flowers

Have young told your DH yet?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/03/2018 15:43

Have young told your DH yet?

Freudian skip there Annabelle?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/03/2018 15:44

Slip ffs!

Pinkvoid · 12/03/2018 15:46

A friend of mine’s parents had her at 46, she was their first and only child and a complete accident. They’re all very close and it’s lovely. She’s 25 now and her parents and indeed grandparents on one side are still alive!

Go for it. The 20 week scan will pick up any problems should they arise.

NewImprovedNinja · 12/03/2018 15:46

Red and silver, you sound like a belligerent teenager who can't cope with someone disagreeing with you. How sad.
I was in my mid forties with my first and my mum had me in her mid forties. I have lots of mum friends who were in their forties giving birth to first children, in fact, last year my friend of 48 gave birth to her DS as her first child.
Here in Ireland, bigger families are not uncommon and many women give birth to healthy children in their forties having already had children in their twenties and thirties. No-one bats an eyelid.

heateallthebuns · 12/03/2018 15:48

I was a teenage when my parents were in their 60s, they felt it kept them young and were very happy with it

resipsa · 12/03/2018 16:11

YANBU. I had my second at just shy of 45. All is fine Smile. If it's what you want, do it. Congratulations!

Mrsramsayscat · 12/03/2018 16:15

I think that other people's strong opinions about what you should do will not help you. Only you can decide what's best. Perhaps get some emergency counselling this help think it through.

IceBearRocks · 12/03/2018 17:14

....do you know what ...shit happens!!!
When DS 2 was born we spent most of the first year in and out of hospital.
He is severly disabled with lots of issues and we planned to have no more children as this one was hard work. When he was 20 months DD1 was born. God knows how because we were usually one in hospital and the other at home looking after DS1!
She's our miracle.
We thought about termination etc as life was so dramatic but we couldn't ...we'd created a life !!!
She is the only one of our children without special needs....
Something's are just meant to happen.

Also DSil had her first when I had DS2... She was 40...then went on to have her DD at 45... Both children planned!

Best of luck OP....I wish you the very best and enjoy your new tangent!!

carryondoctor · 12/03/2018 17:18

Redandsilver could have made her post in one go, but why do that when you can have several rants about what a terrible idea it is?! Hmm

OP, it sounds as if you do really want the baby. Have all the medical tests you can, and fingers crossed that everything works out for you.

PilatesSuck · 12/03/2018 17:19

Have you had everything confirmed now by your doctor OP? Do you know how far you are? If you thought you were going through menopause you could be further than you think and they may be able to scan and approx date.

Your doctor should be able to help you with testing if you want that. The blood testing is safer considerably.

DarkBlueEyes · 12/03/2018 17:47

@MrsJBaptiste waves. I am one of those women. I'm now in my 50s and doing the school run. I'm certainly not the only one as there's someone else older than I am (fourth child surprise). I'm also menopausal and let me tell you having a teenager in the house who is also hormonal is probably a lot worse than having a baby!

I wouldn't change a thing. Good luck OP.

KochabRising · 12/03/2018 17:52

Congratulations!!

There are non invasive tests called NIPT (for example the harmony test) that can give you an over 99% accurate result on whether the foetus has downs or some other trisomies. The Panorama NIPT also looks at some of the more common deletions and genetic errors as well but is a bit more expensive.

You’re on the upper end of the age bracket for conceiving but frankly if the machinery works, you’re fertile.

It’s only since women have started having small families that giving birth in your mid forties has become more unusual. Pepreviously women would have kept having babies until they no longer could.

Of course your risk is higher but don’t forget that 50% figure includes very early losses as well. I wish you a healthy and safe pregnancy :)

Lymmmummy · 12/03/2018 18:02

Know someone who has been there and done it and they were fine - funnily enough first child at 41 second at 46/7 - they were aware it was not idea as such having children and it wouldn’t have been there preference -they were perhaps taking a risk but we’re glad to do it as they wanted another child and were keen especially being older parents for the existing child to have a sibling - it’s all turned out well for them so that’s my own personal reference point

one difference was that father had previously had cancer and thus both children had been born via frozen embryos created when the mother was 37 so risks of abnormalities would be lower than in your case

Good Luck will be keeping everything crossed for you

Lymmmummy · 12/03/2018 18:03

Sorry typo - they were very aware that it was not ideal to be having children so late

LoislovesStewie · 12/03/2018 18:13

Put it the way, I'm glad my grandmother gave birth to my dad when she was 47, as I wouldn't be here otherwise!Hope it goes well for you.

TooManyMiles · 12/03/2018 18:14

YANBU but it could be worth getting a private, very early Harmony blood test to look for chromosomal abnormalities as soon as possible.

PerfectlyDone · 12/03/2018 18:58

Why is it that people so often (not just on this thread) are utterly unable to look beyond what they would do or feel? Confused

Truly, it matters not one jot what any one of us would do in this scenario.
The OP sounds shocked but not unhappy about her unexpected news. She has valid concerns that many posters have tried to comment on.

I really don't see the point of going on about the scarcity of women in their late 40s anybody knows and about how appalled various posters would be if they found themselves in the OP's shoes Hmm

I hope things work out the way you want them to Thanks

fuckedoverinlife · 12/03/2018 19:27

The argument that your child may have to look after you in older age in nonsensical. If you need looking after that will happen anyway.
In some ways it may be better if your child is a young adult. Better that than looking after ageing parents and young children like many more people will have to do.
And there are flip side such as, if you have an inheritance to pass on, your kid will get it so much younger in life when they need it!
And if you give birth at 47 your child will be 20 before you are even eligible to claim a state pension.

And before contraception it would have been much more common for women to have babies in their forties. It seems odd now as most women are able to choose fewer children and so finished their family before their 40s.
Being as you are pregnant you have to consider how you will feel terminating the pregnancy, You can seek free counselling to help if you want to consider this. Whatever you choose you will live with it for the rest of your life.

Idontdowindows · 12/03/2018 19:52

You know what? Before reliable contraception women had babies up until the time they stopped ovuating and you know what? The world didn't come to an end and humans continued to exist.

You do what makes you and your husband happy. Don't let anyone tell you you cannot be a parent at your age. You can.

Enjoy your little miracle.