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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To continue a pregnancy st 46-7

288 replies

Spoog1971xx · 11/03/2018 23:13

That's it really... 46 1/2 years old pretty much menopausal and I appear to be up the duff. 😳 I ttc for 20 years ( finally got pregnant with DS at 41 with IVF) DH has azospermia. Now this happens. I'd love another child but aibu? I'm ancient and I have high blood pressure. The chances of MC are 50 percent,Down syndrome ? What if I die when the kid is ten? Jesus this is a turn up for the books. Aibu to continue this knowing there may be complications by the bucket load?

OP posts:
mumofmany81 · 12/03/2018 10:46

The Harmony test picked up Edwards Syndrome but I didn’t get the results until I was 13/14 weeks. By then of course I couldn’t terminate the pregnancy through my local hospital as they only offered medical management. I managed to push for a TFMR through BPAS and whilst I’m glad I opted for that route it was really quite stressful to organise and then go through with travel and time wise.

Are you serious? They only offer medical management when it is a termination for fetal abnormalities? That is just wrong - hospitals should offer all methods and it should be offered up to birth for those terminating for those reasons. As a midwife I am really shocked that they didn't and that you were forced to go to BPAS :(

mugginsalert · 12/03/2018 10:48

Wow, what an unexpected chance! In your position I would also be thinking about yours and the child's relative ages, but more with a view to actively nurturing a community of family and friends over the next couple of decades so that you both have loving support networks when you age. 47 is a perfectly feasible age for a child these days but it's not 27 and so naturally there are different benefits and considerations to think about rather than to ignore. Best of luck

OstrichRunning · 12/03/2018 10:49

Congratulations!

I totally understand your concerns and think it's definitely better to look these things in the eye now rather than later. I had my first at 39 years and am currently due my second, just after I turn 42.

I would never have let my age at this stage be a deterrent because DH and I wanted children so much and never considered it rational that just because we found each other late, and then had some fertility problems, that we therefore should not have them.

Both my parents died relatively young, so even though they had me and my siblings in their twenties, I still experienced their loss earlier than average.

Not for a second have I therefore concluded that it would have been better if I had never been born! I was loved and brought up well and those are the important things.

Also, think it's worth pointing out that although health problems are more likely to rear their ugly heads the older we get, we are not completely powerless now in terms of our health in ten, 20, 30 years. As an older mother, I have developed much better health behaviours than ever before, like getting screening done regularly, eating more healthily and getting more exercise. I know for a fact I would not be half so health-conscious if I did not really, really want to be around and healthy for as long as possible for the sake of my dd (and, all going well, ds in a couple of months!). None of us has complete control over our health of course, put as a pp pointed out, no one would expect a woman to not conceive or continue a pregnancy if she was overweight for example; things like obesity, smoking etc can have serious consequences for future health.

Didn't mean to go on so long. Just - congratulations again and this blanket attitude of 'having kids over a certain age is always a bad idea' is ill-informed and a actually bit stupid imo!

mumofmany81 · 12/03/2018 10:49

Just because someone has a different opinion to the majority does not make them a troll. The Op needs support right now but that doesn't mean that everyone should be saying how wonderful it is and to go ahead with the pregnancy without some common sense being dished out!

Nope that isn't why I said it if you actually read my post properly - I said because the statistics they are stating are rubbish. To say that the child will have to care for OP by 15-25 (when she is 62-72) is not at all in keeping with how things actually are in the world. Nor is the age at which she states the child will likely lose his/her mother when looking at the average life expectancy. Also - there is a way of giving a differing opinion without stating that it is selfish to have a child at that age - that is her opinion and if you see my previous post I listed many situations that people might find it selfish to have a baby in. It doesn't mean it is selfish and when the OP clearly states that she would love to have this baby I think that a little sensitivity in replying is just common decency

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/03/2018 10:54

Well in my family those stats are true, even worse in fact. 3 women died in various circumstances before their children were adults. One of them when their child was very young.

Worldsworstcook · 12/03/2018 10:55

Do it, op, you know you want to! Have your baby!! It will be harder and more tiring than your last pregnancy but afterwards, children keep you young. I think it’s fabulous news for you, have the test to check for downs if you wish. A sibling for your dc? Think of the joy this little one shall bring to your home!

Don’t be put off by your age, no one knows what’s round the corner for them, for you, even for your dc. Your still young-ish, you’ve got a wonderful and soon to be overjoyed DH, put cards aside and enjoy. It’s a little miracle

wouldyoudo · 12/03/2018 10:55

I'd keep it OP.

If the child has something wrong the most likely scenario is a miscarriage.

Worrying you won't be around to look after them... well it's possible, but so is cancer, getting hit by a bus etc

I would honestly just be thrilled with your little miracle and allow life to decide what happens from here. There's only a 5 year gap with this baby's sibling... so the same really applied 5 years ago and you did it.

KitKat1985 · 12/03/2018 10:56

I can understand your ambivalence OP. I had a work colleague / friend who found out she was pregnant 2 years ago at 47. It was a complete shock. She had two children already who were both of secondary school age (and they had also had difficulties TTC those two over a decade earlier - it took them 3 years to conceive their first for example). But she kept the baby. She does say though that she found pregnancy / recovery from birth harder being older, and the pregnancy has given her back issues which she is still dealing with two years later, but she has never regretted her decision.

Personally I'd say take it one step at a time. Yes there are higher risks to both you and the baby, but that doesn't mean there will be issues. Maybe speak to your doctor / midwife about early genetic testing of the baby etc to see if the baby is healthy before you make any definite decisions. But to me it sounds like this baby is very much wanted so I think that provided all is well then you should celebrate. Please come back an update this thread when you tell your DH.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 12/03/2018 11:00

I don't agree with much of red's post but this is AIBU and OP specifically asked for all opinions, including negative opinions.

It's a risky thing to do and if she wants to continue she's as well off hearing a negative scenario, to know what she's getting in to.

Too often on here people want to do stuff where the odds are stacked against them and people are only interested in cheerleading instead of being realistic.

This is someone's real life. There's a reason the vast majority of women wouldn't want to be in OP's shoes. I wish her the absolute best and I hope everything works out but I'm glad someone pointed out that it might not.

Elendon · 12/03/2018 11:01

I agree with KitKat. Take it one step at a time.

How much help will you get with family and friends?

It's tough on the old body being pregnant in your 40s.

SleepFreeZone · 12/03/2018 11:02

mumofmany my hospital only offered surgical termination up to 12 weeks, after that my only option was medical management ie. taking the pills and labouring the baby out. I just couldn’t handle that and rang Marie Stopes who put me in touch with BPAS who explained what I had to do re. my GP and a referral.

SleepFreeZone · 12/03/2018 11:03

mumofmany

Elendon · 12/03/2018 11:05

You have to think also that at either toddler or reception school age you will be going through the menopause.

Weigh up all the options and go with your head rather than your heart on this.

It's a tough choice. What does your partner think?

Elendon · 12/03/2018 11:07

If the child has something wrong the most likely scenario is a miscarriage.

Or the child could have autism or cerebral palsy or moderate to severe learning difficulties.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/03/2018 11:08

This is someone's real life

Quite. Which is why I find all the posters saying " keep it, it'll be fine " type thing quite confusing and strange. It's very easy to respond to a stranger on the internet in a way that makes you look lovely and kind but that isn't looking at the whole picture.

The OP needs to speak to H and then her GP so she can be fully aware of all the risks that going ahead with the pregnancy may bring.

Skyechasemarshalontheway · 12/03/2018 11:09

Take it one step at time.

Any baby can have sen yes its higher risks the older you are yet here i am at 26 with 2 children who have different disabilities and another child on the way so it can happen to anyone.

I know a few people who lost parents young including my husband who was 15 his youngest sibling 6 months old when there df died he was in his mid 30s all 4 of his children have had a good life and some like dh have started families of there own.

Book in with a midwife and they can go through everything with you.

jellycat1 · 12/03/2018 11:15

Congratulations! I think it's great. 46 is the new 36! Have the Harmony test if you're worried about Downs etc. Obviously you'll be an older Mum but it's increasingly commonplace these days. And you may live to a grand old age and see this child have children.

DarkBlueEyes · 12/03/2018 11:17

Massive congratulations! YANBU at all! I delivered my second baby two days before my 44th birthday! She was perfect in every way. I went to the Foetal Medicine Centre and had a full scan and blood test etc as the numbers weren't great after the nuchal fold (the measurement was fine but my age brought the risk right up). Professor Nikolaides reviewed all the scans etc and I didn't have the CVS as he was 99% confident all was well. As long as you have support at every step of the way there is no reason you shouldn't rock this pregnancy. If that's what you want, then go for it. WELL DONE!!!!!

sinceyouask · 12/03/2018 11:28

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer in this situation- it's your body, your life, your decision: whatever choice you make is the right one.

In your exact situation I don't think I would continue the pregnancy, but that does not mean I think continuing is the wrong thing to do. It's important to be at least a bit realistic about it and not all butterflies and flowers and oh-how-lovely-it-will-all-be-great. It might not all be great, it's daft not to think through all the possible implications. There's the higher rates of foetal abnormality to consider, the physical, mental and emotional impact of pregnancy and caring for a newborn, the long term implications for life and career and finances and so on- brushing those very valid concerns aside with "go for it op it will all be grand" is insane.

Whatever you do, good luck and happiness Flowers.

PuppyMonkey · 12/03/2018 11:29

My mum was 42, nearly 43, when she had me and my dad was 50.

I definitely felt a little embarrassed about them being older parents when I was at school, it’s just a kid thing isn’t it? You don’t want to be different. It stopped me wanting to have friends over for sleepovers etc. And many neighbours and acquaintances made the mistake of thinking my dad was my granddad. And I was so embarrassed to talk about it, I never corrected them. Confused

However, they were both very hands on parents and I had a lovely childhood in many ways, lots of older siblings in the house. Dad around loads because he had retired.

I was 27 when dad died, so fully grown up and able to cope. My mum died four years ago when she was 89 and I was 47 - so I definitely had my mum in my life for a good long period. Longer than many others I knew who had much younger parents but who sadly died.

I had a baby myself at 40. Bloody hell, it’s tiring but I love my DD to bits.

So those are my random ramblings on this and good luck OP in whatever you decide.

CoolCarrie · 12/03/2018 11:31

I had CVS and a genetic consultant and I recommend it, it is best to get the best information.
Congratulations and good luck!

Lavenderdays · 12/03/2018 11:39

Spoog, I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if I'm repeating stuff here. I am approaching 44 and expecting dc3 anytime now.
I have had similar concerns to you. What I would advise is to have the harmony test or similar which is a screening test (but doesn't cover every eventuality) but it has given me some piece of mind - I would not have gone through with a pregnancy where I had a poorly baby because of the issues of caring for it as I aged and not wanting to burden my other two dcs etc.
My dh is a lot older than me and it has often crossed my mind about us not being there but there again I have known at least 3 younger parents die (at around the age of 40) leaving young children behind so there are no guarantees. My children (eldest nearly 12) have a good quality of life because we have had them older...money is no issue and we have more patience with them now too. My eldest is thriving academically and has had a really good start in life. All being well they will be a little clan as they get older. I had young parents and an awful upbringing and in fact became estranged from both parents in my 30's (so in effect an orphan then - no disrespect intended to those who have lost their parents through death). I have every intention of paying for care should I need it later on and have no intention of becoming a burden on my children. Remember there are always pros and cons to having children at different ages.
My advice would be to take it slowly...have the tests etc, you will be under consultant led care - gather all the information that you can. My consultant said to me when I mentioned my age...that he would rather been dealing with my case than a younger woman who is overweight with health issues - that does sound controversial but that is what was said and I took confidence from that. You, already state that you have high blood pressure so you do need to have a conversation around that, so that you can also weigh up the health risks to yourself.
Like you, I wasn't expecting to become pregnant again (fertility issues) and I cant pretend it has been mentally easy for me all along with this pregnancy - I also had a late loss at 20 weeks a couple of years back, just keeping my fingers crossed this all turns out O.K . Wishing you all the best x

Alwayslumpyporridge · 12/03/2018 11:41

I am 43 and TTC, in your shoes I would cautiously carry on, get all tests etc good luck

MrsJBaptiste · 12/03/2018 11:41

Where are all these women who are becoming mothers at 45,46, 47... I don't know anyone who had a baby over the age of 40. Yes, I know the age where parents are having their first baby has increased (30s rather than 20s) but late 40s? I really do think this is the exception rather than being commonplace.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/03/2018 11:42

Not U to be worried but I have friends one had her 3rd at 47, lovely healthy little boy. Another had her first at 50. Again healthy little girl.

Both had all the tests and worried that things would go wrong. Take it one day at a time and look after yourself.

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