To continue a pregnancy st 46-7

[Spoog1971xx]

That's it really... 46 1/2 years old pretty much menopausal and I appear to be up the duff. 😳 I ttc for 20 years ( finally got pregnant with DS at 41 with IVF) DH has azospermia. Now this happens. I'd love another child but aibu? I'm ancient and I have high blood pressure. The chances of MC are 50 percent,Down syndrome ? What if I die when the kid is ten? Jesus this is a turn up for the books. Aibu to continue this knowing there may be complications by the bucket load?

No need for that really red - particularly as the OP is actually already pregnant! And she is not 50, but 46.
Some women go into menopause in their 30s, others not until their late 50s. Age is not everything when it comes to reproductive health.

Congratulations op!! 46.8 here and very envious!!
Imo /e ttc and parenthood is pot luck. I know a woman who had a ds with Downs at 19. I had ds at 43 and perfectly healthy but. Enjoy your pregnancy and your family!!
Amazing!!

redandsilver

Actually they do. There is this myth that 'men are allowed to do it! And no-one says anything.' But people DO still look a bit if a man becomes a dad of a newborn at 45-50. Why are people pretending it doesn't happen?

My Uncle was born when my Grandfather was in his 50s. No-one gave a flying f*

And if the couple split, it will be the woman looking after the child on her own at a time when she should be enjoying her life and freedom.

She may be happy to do that, have you seen how many kinship carers willingly take on grandchildren?

In addition, there are much higher health risks to the mother

Let the doctors deal with that. She may have issues... or she may sail through. You can't know and neither can she. That's what the Doctors are for.

I have known 3 or 4 people in my life, whose parents had them at 44 to 46 y.o, and the parents died at a very crucial time in the child's life. When they were at college or uni, or when they were planning marriage, or had not long had their first baby, and needed parental support.

So parents shouldn't have wishes and dreams beyond their existing children? Why would a parent not be able to support with other children?

Because the fact is that you are WAY more likely to leave your child without parents when they are young if you have a baby at 50, than if you have a baby at 25!

You realise retirement age for me on a state pension is 68 now right? That's how long I can apparently work. A child born to a 46 year old mother realistically will be a legal adult before she even retires officially

.

It's not a puppy you're having; it's a baby - a human life that you will be responsible for, for at LEAST 20 years - possibly longer if there are health issues with the baby.

We know this. Strangely we've had children, I've been a mother for 25 years now, I know how it works.

I am also willing to bet that most people saying this would not have a baby over the age of 45.

I would, if the immaculate conception happened I would go ahead with it. I'm pro choice, but it's not an option for me.

I am also amazed at the amount of posters who have had a baby at 48 to mid 50's, or KNOW loads of people who have. I have only known of 5 or 6 women have a baby in middle age, in my whole LIFE, and NOT ONE was over 50. Not one. They were all 43 to 46.

My DH's ex wife had a baby last year at 49. She and little one are hale and hearty. OP is 46 though.

Apologies to the OP @spoog1971xx if you find my post negative, but some common sense and reality needs injecting into this thread, to counterbalance all of the gushing 'yay, a new baby at 50, it will all be soooo great' and unrealistic 'my nana is 91 and fitter than me at 35' type of posts...

It doesn't need any common sense or reality and in actuality you come across as spiteful and judgemental, not factual or realistic.

You know what, redandsilver, that might (MIGHT) have been helpful (though still bloody rude) if the OP had been asking if she should try for a baby at 46. But since she is already pregnant and wants this baby, it is completely unhelpful and mean.

OP, one of my best friends had older parents. His dad died when he was 16, his mum last year when he was 35. He is sad about that, obviously, but he loves them and was loved by them and is not scarred by losing them young. That's your worst case scenario and for him it has not been a bad one.

I'm the same age as you and rather jealous I completely understand your reservations but like PP say I would take it a day at a time.

How far along are you?

I'm 45, oldest DC is 24 and youngest is 3. if I could convince DH I'd have another.
Get it all checked out with your doctor, if all is well with you and baby then consider if you were 36 would you even be having any other thought beyond woohoo!
With regard being an older parent/dying I was 12 when my dad died, he was 42 so not old. My mother is 75 and still going strong.
People die, it's the only event in your life that is definitely going to happen but you can't work your life around when it might happen.
Congratulations and hope your doctors visit goes well

My ex colleague had a baby at 49 last year - yes, it was rather a surprise and yes, she worried about all the things you are worrying about (plus she'd only been seeing her now DH for a few weeks so there was that to consider too!). Her GP said to her, well, you could have a child aged 16 and get run over by a bus a year later, so you can't forsee and plan everything in life. She had a slightly bigger age gap though - her other children were 26 and 22 and decidedly unimpressed until their sister was born. Now the whole family is utterly in love with her and dotes on her.

Of course you have reservations, no one is blithely congratulating you as if you're getting a new puppy but late motherhood really is increasingly common now. I was the youngest in my antenatal group by far - I was 35. Maybe it more common in some areas than others? The stats are out there though. Women have always had babies later on - my great grandmother was 44 when my grandmother was born - the 6th of 7 children. And my grandmother herself only married at 39 and had her last child at 45. I don't think either of them were the talk of the town...

Firstly - congratulations OP. Secondly - all those mentioning Downs - most people with Downs now outlive their parents thanks to improvements in medical care, no matter what age the parents. Many people with Downs live independently and have jobs.

It's entirely up to you, obviously there's risks, you could test obviously, then take it from there.

Wishing you the best with whatever you decide.

Congratulations, I hope all goes well for you. Having a later baby is a fantastic way of keeping yourself young and looking after yourself. Don’t borrow trouble from tomorrow by all the ‘what ifs’, other than sensible and practical issues such as your current state of health and family situation there is no way of predicting the future.

I wish you well.

It's Mother Nature's last hurrah, isn't it? Apparently this is quite common, a huge surge of fertility just before the menopause

You'll be 68 when you child is 21. Nothing wrong with that at all. You could live for another 30 years after that. You won't be frail and elderly at 68, for God's sake! I want to rip the head off whoever said that. I'm 64 and not very different to when I was 44.

You'd love another baby, your husband will be bouncing off the walls with joy, accept your little miracle and enjoy him/her.

Wow redandsilver - I am pretty shocked by the attitude to be honest. Not you saying that you wouldnt go through with it at that age but the saying it is selfish to have a baby at nearly 50. Who are you to say what is right or not? What is selfish or not? You could say that it is selfish for a woman of 17 to have a baby because she is still technically a child herself or that it is selfish to have a baby if you are unmarried or if you find yourself between jobs or if you are gay or if you have a health condition. Everyone has different ideas of what is "right or wrong' and you have no right to speak for others in saying it is selfish to have a child at that age. Also 46/47 is not that old - I have delivered plenty of babies to women that age. I have seen some women who might be considered perfect to have a child - mid twenties, married, own house, steady job etc and who make terrible parents and I have seen some teenagers who make fab parents. It is not up to anyone else to say it is selfish for another person to have a baby. If she is 47 when baby is born that will make her 65 when the child is an adult which is hardly considered to be that old nowadays. My husband is 51 and our youngest child just turned 7 - does that make us selfish because he was almost 45 when she was born or is it acceptable for dads to be older?

Also - I don't know anything about your circumstances so you may have also gone through it but anyone who has suffered infertility and spent years trying for a child might have different views on whether a surprised child is a blessing or not to someone who has never had to experience those feelings. OP I hope that you base your decision based on the fact that your natural reaction was that you would love to have another baby rather than one person stating that it would be selfish to have a child at your age because what others think shouldn't matter at all. xx

My worry is if the child has something wrong with it I will be to old to care for it.

What a shock OP! A very nice one though. There are non invasive blood tests that you can have as early as 10 weeks to check for Down syndrome and other syndromes. In your shoes I would be having one of those before I committed to the pregnancy.

Redandsilver, sounds like a parallel universe. In my and DH's extended families there hasn't been a single person that needed care till at least mid-80's. Everyone who's currently in their 70's and 80's is perfectly capable of looking after themselves and has hobbies, volunteers, goes on holidays etc. They look after themselves and their houses etc.
So yes, your post sounds weird as everyone around you seems to age 20 years too early.

I didn't see your follow up comment redandsilver that people do judge when a dad becomes a dad to a newborn in his late 40s. That is complete BS in my experience. I am 15 years younger than my husband and was 29 when I had my last child and he was almost 45. We have never had one single judgemental comment (other than yours on here) and he doesn't stand out at the school gate because he is over 50 now. My mum is 6 years older than my husband and people would often presume that she is grandma whereby they don't ever think my husband is grandad. There is a completely different reaction to men having children later in life and it is a massive double standard. I think women having babies older is becoming far more common now though and my mum has been asked several times if they are her children - she was 50 when our last child was born. Im really glad that there aren't more people with your attitude because that would make women who weren't able to have children young for any reason feel that they can't then have a family. What about the women who have not met the right man until they were in their 40s or those who might have done 20 years of IVF before being successful? Should they feel judged for having a child?

Greatduckcookery - I guess it depends on whether finding out the child had downs syndrome would change your mind on whether to continue the pregnancy doesn't it?

OP, if you decide to do a test, I'd recommend the Panorama. It's available from 9 weeks and they test the baby's DNA for Downs, Edwards, Patau, Turner, triploidy and optionally for some translocations. They can also tell you the sex of the baby if you'd like.
They are not available on the NHS so it's a case of going for a scan and a blood test privately (all it takes is a small blood sample from the arm).

I think some other variety of a NIPT test can be available on the NHS in some areas instead of amnio but only if the 12 weeks' scan raised concerns.

We were fretting so we just did the Panorama at 9 weeks. It was great to put our mind to rest knowing that we had a little boy with all the right a chromosomes on the way.

I totally understand your worries OP.

My mum had her ninth child at 46. It was a total shock. We were all much older. However, she’s 23 now and my mum has LOVED having her as an older mum. She’s kept both my parents young and my mum has found it very easy because she was more confident in her parenting decisions. She was also given a 50 per cent downs risk but my sister didn’t have downs.

Good luck to you whatever happens xx

Well yes mumofmany you're right. The OP mentions the chance of miscarriage at her age being 50% due to Down syndrome so I gathered that it's something she's thinking about. Having a baby with Down syndrome when you're approaching 50 is something that needs to be thought about, surely?

Personally I wouldn't have a baby at that age. There's no way I want to be doing the school run in my fifties. My dc will be adults when I'm 46 and I can't wait to be totally selfish and enjoy myself. I certainly wouldn't want to be back at soft play hosting kids birthday parties, making packed lunches and doing reading practice every night.

But...

If you want another baby, go for it. I wouldn't judge you.

My own mum had me in her late twenties and died when I was a child so nothing is certain anyway.

Can I be hugely sensible since I’ve had my children late in life and lost lots of pregnancies too. I lost my last baby at 42 due to a chromosome deformity. I had a termination at 17 weeks which was pretty hideous.

Anyhow I’m now 43 and were still TTC even though I know we are very unlikely to succeed. My last conversation with the senior midwife was if I fell pregnant again we were going to speed everything up so I could find out if there was an issue early.

The Harmony test picked up Edwards Syndrome but I didn’t get the results until I was 13/14 weeks. By then of course I couldn’t terminate the pregnancy through my local hospital as they only offered medical management. I managed to push for a TFMR through BPAS and whilst I’m glad I opted for that route it was really quite stressful to organise and then go through with travel and time wise.

So if i do fall pregnant again we agreed to would go to the GP at 9 weeks and organise a scan and Harmony to be done at 10 weeks. The we’d find out a week later if the baby was ill and if so I’d have more options available to me

Well yes mumofmany you're right. The OP mentions the chance of miscarriage at her age being 50% due to Down syndrome so I gathered that it's something she's thinking about. Having a baby with Down syndrome when you're approaching 50 is something that needs to be thought about, surely?

Of course it is - I am just saying that it wouldn't change everyones mind as to whether to consider the pregnancy. So although someone (OP) might be worried about it this doesn't mean that they would choose to terminate even if the baby did have downs. I'm not sure if I am explaining my meaning properly - it's hard when using written word compared to spoken to get the meaning across properly

My sister's DH is azospermic (sp?). They have twins by IVF/ICSI. I mentioned this post to her because I know that they do not use protection as they have been told zero prospect of a natural pregnancy. Their twins are now 11. Dsis said that if she discovered she was pregnant, she would be worried that her DH's first reaction would be that she must be having an affair, so maybe be slightly prepared for this reaction when you tell your DH!

Just because someone has a different opinion to the majority does not make them a troll. The Op needs support right now but that doesn't mean that everyone should be saying how wonderful it is and to go ahead with the pregnancy without some common sense being dished out!