To not understand friendship?

[VioletteValentia]

This is hard to explain. I don’t understand friendships.

I have friends. We meet once every few weeks in the pub for a few drinks, have a laugh and that’s it. I have great fun, we enjoy ourselves.

In between, I rarely talk to them. I don’t do daily conversations or even weekly, and I don’t do small talk at all.

The way other people conduct friendships baffles me. Visits to each other’s houses, knowledge about friends relationships (I have no idea, other than my couple friends, if my friends are dating anyone), gossip. I also don’t get girls/lads nights out, and this camerarderie that everyone has. I get all my needs met from my partner - what need do I have for this socialising? To me, it’s a lot of time money and energy for very little reward.

I mainly prefer hanging out with people if there’s an organised activity, like a game night or cards. Unorganised, aimless socialising seems pointless and boring to me.

DP thinks I’m a right weirdo he’s a lot friendlier than me.

Anyone else feel this way?

I'd say I'm quite out going and so is DH. DH is my best friend but I think we'd both go bonkers without other people in our lives. We love a party and I like chit chat. I'm genuinely quite interested in other people's lives and view point. I chat to anyone and I like knowing all our neighbours. DH is the same. It has advantages DH career progression has definitely in part been down to being able to build social connections through work. I travelled the world by myself for 8 months except I was hardly ever on my own I just made friends along the way and travelled with them for a bit then move on, meet the next lot.
There are different levels of friendship, I only have a few very close friends who I'd confide my most personal issues with and even then we're not in each others pockets. But I enjoy slightly lighter friendships with others that aren't as close but are good company for hobbies, coffee whatever.
DD is also a social butterfly and makes friends easily.

Nurse in your situation I understand it, more so than those who have family close by.

Oblomov it’s more about me trying to figure out how others think, rather than why I’m different. I know this is probably related to me having aspergers. I’m just curious about how the nts think!

But that is very easy to figure out. How the nts think. There are loads of good books. Or just googling brings a wealth of info.

For eg, I bought a good book for ds1: teens guide to the secrets of socialising. He like it. teens

But this only helps you understand the norm, it doesn't change the fact that you don't NEED this level.

I don't really understand couples who are very insular and don't really have friends other than each other. It just doesn't seem healthy to me. What happens if the relationship breaks down, or if/when one of them dies?

I just find it interesting to understand. Because to me, I’m the logical one.

Thanks, I’ll look at that book.

But from this thread I think we can gather there are no nt's. Some people like a deep friendship and some don't.

Personally I would describe a more needy relationship as one which is confined to one person that you spend 100% of your time with but as can be seen by this thread, others would define needy as needing lots of people in their life.
I also think there is a difference between being in each others pockets all the time, type friendships and having a deep friendship which can survive time and distance apart. The first is more needy, the latter less so.

It just doesn't seem healthy to me. What happens if the relationship breaks down, or if/when one of them dies?

It’s not like I can’t make friends, so in that situation I’d be able to, it’s more that I probably wouldn’t want to. But I refuse to live my life in fear of a tragic accident.

I kind of wish I did want close friendships but I honestly don't really. I have a few friends who I am pretty close to, I guess, but we rarely see each other since we live in different countries. I have some friends where I live, but since I live in a big city (10 million people), it can be hard to see each other that often as it normally involves travelling over an hour.

The kind of friendship where you know every detail of each other's lives, pop in and out of each others' houses and stuff - that's not really for me.

Maybe if my best friend lived close to me, we'd be like that, but we haven't lived in the same city for 20 years so it's not really like that.

I have friends, but it's more people to see and chat to occasionally. If people get too close, I feel like they're invading my privacy and I don't like it much.

@Oblomov, needy is things like this:

• a friend telling me "how can you expect people to tell you their problems if you only see them every 3 weeks"

-"why do you never want to sit in the living room with us" -being offended I didn't want to spend my birthday with them, when I just had a breakdown because of living with them -One friend being upset I didn't text her within 5 days of her breaking up with some guy she was casually seeing for the 99th time.

I literally can't be bothered with that shit. If people are not happy seeing me once every 3 months only, then I'd rather break off the friendship than see them once a week and have some continuous texting obligation.

I was fine with that level of intense everyday constantly-texting friendship at uni when I was single and the "pie" was empty. Now I've met my partner, the pie is pretty much full. When I'm not with him I just want to be alone.

I think it doesn't matter what type of friendships you like as long as your needs are fulfilled. It is sad to read on here where people do want close friendships but can't manage to find or sustain them. Or when friendships are desperately needed because of bad relationships or no relationships, and friends are not easily made or have been dropped earlier on in the first flush of romance.

Good friends often last much longer than many relationships and are there to pick up pieces when a partner is leaves, is not there or lacks empathy which lets face it most men aren't as good as women 'doing' empathy

However I love travelling alone and staying in hostels - the fun of meeting loads of international people and really interesting convos, none of the obligations to stay in touch and meet once a week for coffee.

I love my deep friendships but I couldn't cope with the needy type that yolo describes.

Me neither newsname. But I don't think that (Yolo) was the type, that was described as needy earlier in the thread. Which is why I took umbrage.

I too like lots of time on my own now, and also went travelling for a year on my own, pre uni.

BillyCongo sounds just like me in her friendships, varying, and love of her Dh.

Ok, pie analogy.

My family are the base, the crust. The staple of my pie of love.
I made good friends at 11 in high school. They were apples in my pie
I was in a relationships from 17-22 so they would have been part of my pie filling but I scrapped those pears outta by pie and into the bin.
I made friends at Uni, good friends who supported me and who I supported, who shared common interests and passions. They are raisins in my pie filling.
I kept in intermittent touch with my apples but they were still important. They're like family, those apples have sunk into the pie crust for keeps. We keep in touch more now.
I got a job, took up hobbies etc and made new friends. My volunteer work is hugely emotionally intense so those relationships are deep, they are the chocolate drops in my pie. I may get them intermittently but its a deep connect.

I met my best friend in my mid 20's, she's the spoon. She helps make sense of my pie, she funny and bright and caring. If I was attracted to women we'd have dated bit then realised that dating was too much and too intense.

At 29 I met my partner. He was the cherries in my sauce. Mixed into it all, I can't imagine it without him. He makes it richer and fuller and fruitier. I adore cherry pie. I want this to be a cherry pie first and foremost.

I had my son at 32. He is the sauce in my pie. My favourite bit. My most treasured bit. He ties all the rest of it together and is the reason I love pie. When I have come near to losing him, I imagined I would throw my pie away, but as a minimum it would get ruined, you can't remove sauce from a pie and have the same pie left intact.

I have made other friends, they are almond flakes or squirty cream. They are shaving of dark chocolate or squirty sauce. They may be other fruits to add to my pie and the number of sultanas etc may diminish in time but right now I have a big tasty pie, complex and multifaceted. Each slice gives me something new and different and safe and familiar.

It is funny that all of you who don't "get" friendship look at it from your own "needs"

To me, friendship is not about filling my own needs. It is not as if I set out looking for someone to offer me something I am not getting from my marriage, for example

Friendships are about giving, as well as taking, and are not easy to "force".you can go to book clubs for years and not make a single friend, despite many a sociable evening.

To me, friendship is something that creeps up on you, when after years you realise you care about this person and that it would be a pleasure to help them out if they need that help.

It is a nice feeling to care about people, and feel they care about you. If life gets tough (and shit happens, am finding my 40s a total shocker, with divorce, cancer, strokes and accidents happening to people around me ) having a support network of friends makes a huge difference.

I think of friendships not as something I "need" (I am quite independent) but as an unexpected bonus in life, a gift

It is nice if it happens, but hard to find if you are actively looking for it (IMO)

I think with me, I would probably like to have a few more friends but I don't have a lot to give people. I was a single mum for years and unable to go out and socialise so I lost friends that way and unable to make more.

Now all my time is taken up with my children and partner. I have two toddlers, a baby and an older child. The toddlers have additional needs which can be draining. I'm always on the go and rarely have time to stop and think. I have a friend who is non stop drama and offloading onto me and I just haven't got the time or energy for it. We're still friends but the friendship has cooled off as it was way too intense. She was wanting to come down two or three nights a week and staying till 3 in the morning, and wanting 2 hour phonecalls during the day and I was just so tired of it.

But to be honest I'm not bothered. I'm where I want to be and doing what I want to do.

You keep talking about “not living in fear of a tragic accident”. Newsflash: one day your husband will die. I sincerely hope it’s not until he is a very old man - but there’s a strong chance that one day you will be a widow. This idea you seem to have that having relationships makes one needy, or missing familial connections or a strong marriage...it’s nonsense and honestly baffling to me. It sounds incredibly unhealthy - as does your attitude, *Yolo. Honestly, if my daughter ever says to me, “I don’t need any friends because I have you and partner/spouse, I’ll be horrified!

Relationships (platonic) can add so much richness to life. I almost feel bad for you that you’ve never experienced it. Although frankly I find the tone of your posts more condescending than anything.

MrsGloop yes I’ll be old. But am I supposed to live my life doing something I don’t enjoy in order to try to buffer against the fact that one of us will die first?

I find it odd that extroverts see those who don’t want friendships as unhealthy. Why is it? We don’t get from it what you get...

I just don’t see the point in most friendships. That’s not condescending either.

But I've experienced close friendships, and now I have my partner, have decided I don't want the hassle anymore.

I do think my 2 best friends were exceptionally needy though, and personally I couldn't cope with that after uni. Having a partner AND that much emotional demand from friends, was too much for me.

I’ve always been the same. I don’t bother with mindless small talk, don’t see the point and gossip does nothing for me either. I don’t have many friends but it just doesn’t bother me, I hate being surrounded by people as I find it suffocating.

I'm glad you brought this up as I feel like I'm weird as well.
I used to have a big group of friends who I loved spending time with and truly enjoyed myself around them but then as time went by there was some bitching and jealousy among the group (all behind people's backs) and I started coming away from meet-ups feeling rather crappy and eventually I stopped bothering with them as much.
My other group of friends I occasionally meet up with for a meal and every single time I think to myself I'd rather not be wasting my Fri/Sat night. I do sometimes have a good night but often the conversation is not the most stimulating (eg. reality TV and famous people).
Also money is a big issue at the minute and I often think if I'm spending money going for a meal I'd rather go with my partner.
I think if my original group of friends were nicer people I might still enjoy spending time with friends.
I do feel like I miss out on what other people have with genuine, supportive, close friendships but I just don't have that and I'm not interested in making new friends.
I'd also like to have closer relationships with my sisters and would prefer that to having good friends!

Regarding the introvert / extrovert debate I would class myself as introvert. I am always happy at the end of a busy day winding down by myself and I don't really enjoy events such as parties or work events where you are meant to mingle with strangers.

However I do have a great need to connect with people. After I have spent s bit of time with someone, a work colleague for example, and they share with me information about their home life or their past which gives me an insight into what makes them tick I feel privileged. I like to know about their lives, their families, what makes them happy, sad, and to look for a connection. If someone has a problem it makes me happy if I think I am able to help. Vice Versa I am happy to share my own difficulties and am grateful for any support , either emotional or practical that comes back to me.

I met my best friend when I was 16 (now 51) and by the time I met my DH 10 years later we had supported each other through various crushes, relationship break downs, and also many, many nights out, and, in where we had a drink, sang, danced and had fun. Over the years there have been times when we haven't been as close due to being at different life stages (she had DC several years before me) but all these years we are still there for each other.

Friendship shouldn't feel 'needy' as in feeling obliged to meet every week but if someone is your friend then you want to be able to help them and miss them if you haven't seen them for a while .

Regarding the 'small talk' in a group of friends, I have a group of friends that I met at a previous workplace and if we all meet up together our conversation is more on the surface as if you have 8 people trying to catch up with each other there isn't really time for deep discussion. However if I meet up with any of these friends on an individual basis we will talk a lot more intimately.

When I was on my 20's I had a lot more friendships where we would go out clubbing etc but wouldn't really 'talk' and I have changed here with age, I think as I've grown older and had more life experience I like to be able to empathise with people more, get what they are about . Also because my family and friends are important to me that is what I like to talk about with other people.

I might have a brief chat with work colleagues about a film or a book, but only so much as to work out whether I thought I'd want to see/ read if myself, it's not something I'd spend ages talking about and actually talking about Films/TV/ books etc is what I'd consider superficial conversation.

OP I think I'm very different to you, but as you asked what others got out of friendship, this is it for me.

I think the thing for me is I don’t really find it fun when talking to most people. I just find it really boring.

I’ve never been interested in clubbing and I find most people in their twenties are quite dull. I get on really well with people a few years older.