To not understand friendship?

[VioletteValentia]

This is hard to explain. I don’t understand friendships.

I have friends. We meet once every few weeks in the pub for a few drinks, have a laugh and that’s it. I have great fun, we enjoy ourselves.

In between, I rarely talk to them. I don’t do daily conversations or even weekly, and I don’t do small talk at all.

The way other people conduct friendships baffles me. Visits to each other’s houses, knowledge about friends relationships (I have no idea, other than my couple friends, if my friends are dating anyone), gossip. I also don’t get girls/lads nights out, and this camerarderie that everyone has. I get all my needs met from my partner - what need do I have for this socialising? To me, it’s a lot of time money and energy for very little reward.

I mainly prefer hanging out with people if there’s an organised activity, like a game night or cards. Unorganised, aimless socialising seems pointless and boring to me.

DP thinks I’m a right weirdo he’s a lot friendlier than me.

Anyone else feel this way?

I like going for cinema/coffee alone, and gigs if I have to because I'm the only one in our group who likes house (lol). Love going to a coffeeshop with a good book.

I was extremely sociable at uni and used to do stuff with friends daily, but since I met my partner, it's like my social energy goes on him and I don't want to waste it on other people - also I've realised how annoying a lot of my friends are and I was only friends with them because of some common interest - like having someone to go to house gigs with, or happy hour on a Friday.

Also having a full time job sort of takes it out of me. I don't like to have social plans more than once a week really, and definitely no "girly brunches" ugh.

What I don’t understand is what it adds.

Basically, imagine a pie of human needs. I see mine as filled by my family. Friends can’t add to it because it’s full. So, I see it as something is missing if someone needs friends

However others don’t see it this way, so I’m trying to put myself in their mind to understand their view.

But who really has “girly brunches”? Most ppl I know are way too busy with work, kids, husband, wider family, more formal social commitments (choir, charity, sport etc.) that they don’t have time or inclination to get pissed and eat avocado smash on a Sunday morning. There’s more to women than girly!

Caveat: it’s fine to be girly anyway!

You’ve just explained it tho. Your pie is filled by family- other people either don’t get their needs filled by family or have greater needs for social interaction than you

I think I find it hard to think that they aren’t missing something from their family?

I didn’t consider that everyone’s pie is a different size, that’s a valid point.

I discuss problems I have with my friends, I help them with theirs. I do this with DH too but feel that I get an unbiased perspective from friends. I meet up with my friends as a change to monotony. They make me laugh (my friends tend to be very funny). I have a couple of particular friends who are like a salve to my soul. I feel happier and more relaxed after spending time in their company; even an hour. I adore all of my friends but I also have a smaller social circle than I did 10 years ago.

Some people don’t get the same emotional needs fulfilled by partner or family or just need to have more people to connect with. Or as you must realise people with no partner or close family need to have people too! It’s not as if there’s a finite level for human connection that everyone reaches at some point. Some people can feel very close to lots of people and some can’t. Also to not need any closeness to anyone apart from your partner is quite risky in a way, if you split up who do you have then? A lot of people need to have emotional support or just emotional closeness to someone outside the relationship or they would be isolated. I don’t have loads of friends but the ones I have I like to be able to talk frankly with and tell them anything I feel/think. They aren’t all the same and the responses I get will be different and that’s great. I am closer to my family and DH than anyone else, but without my friends I think I’d feel lonely. With them I suppose I’m just me and not also a wife, mother, daughter etc? I think I’d feel

I think that’s the key - I see an introverts pie as being a different size to an extroverts.

But also - of course lots of people don’t have all their needs met by family. They might get sex, emotional support, shared love for children from a romantic partner for example - they may get the belly laughs from friends. It’s rare and v lucky to have all needs met by family. Many people have family who take take take and don’t give.

I’m not criticising you by the way - like you, my intimate emotional needs are met by husband, children, mum, dad, sisters and a fantastic extended family - I just think not all people are lucky enough to have our families and/or have differing needs

Am glad I've found this thread, it describes me down to a T. Last week my 16 year old daughter was diagnosed as autistic which has led me to think that maybe I am too. I just don't "get" socialising, it is something I've trained myself to do, where in reality I'm happy on my own most of the time. I've been to the GP this morning and he is going to refer me to be assessed. It would explain a lot about myself.

I think it’s because also I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who wasn’t “perfect” to me.

I understand that violette. Many people place having a child or being in any relationship above being in a ‘perfect’ relationship

I’ve seen that too. Many people want “a boyfriend”, I wasn’t prepared to settle. I was just fortunate to meet my lovely DP early.

But my DH is perfect for me, he is my best and closest friend and we share most of the same interests... but not absolutely everything! We’ve been together for 17 years since we met at 18, most of our friends are joint friends because we spent almost all our free time together (not really ones for girls/boys nights) but I still want to meet up with friends without him and chat to them and share my thoughts with them. I don’t see why you think the two can’t exist together? Do you look at everyone with close friends and assume that they are worse off because there partners aren’t perfect for them? It is an odd way of looking at it! Most people friends are as well as, not instead of, a great relationship with their partner/husband.

Buglife I just find it fascinating. I just can’t imagine wanting to do it without him. I do like meeting up with some friends with DP, but the intense friendships are what I find hard.

Some people would not understand you op as friends are very important to them. They offer a network of support when things don't go well, as well as fun times. You don't need to understand it. It's just a fact. Everybody's different. I am similar to you and don't need friends, I am perfectly happy without (but with a few mates that I like to go out with once in a while). Other people just need or enjoy the company of other people more.

I have treasured and meaningful longstanding friendships.

• I don't believe in oversharing confidential information about my marriage or DC. Social media has a lot to answer for, with people feeling they have to share every last grim detail about their life with others.

• Some of my friends live in different parts of the country but others live close. Proximity or lack thereof doesn't need to affect the quality of relationship imo.

• It isn't mutually exclusive to have good friends but keep some information private. It's part of a decent, trusting and respectful relationship to all concerned.

I have friends and close friends. I open up to my close friends. We confide our worries, hopes and aspirations. We empathise and share each other successes and failures. We can be ourselves and not be guarded or pretend to be something we are not. We are not afraid to show our vulnerabilities as we know we will not be judged or judge.

A couple of them I might not see for a year and busy lives mean it's rare we contact each other in between but I've known them for 30+ years and we reconnect as if we'd only seen each other a few days ago. I know their life history almost as much as I know my own and in fact they can help me fill in gaps in my own life that I've forgotten, as we reminisce.

My life would be a lot emptier without my close friends. Other friends who I know on a more superficial level are no where near the same.

It's like kids though. You think you'll never love another child like you love your first born but you do. You can love your DP with all your heart but still have room for great friendships. It isn't either/or.

And I feel my world would be extremely small if it only had DH in it.

I genuinely don't understand people who have to trail their DP everywhere. You are an individual, not defined as one half of a couple. But I guess we are all different.

You are an individual, not defined as one half of a couple.

My DP is a huge part of my life. It’s not that we aren’t individuals, more that we are a team.

@VioletteValentia

I'm going to turn this around to perhaps aide your understanding. This is my situation:

I live alone.
I don't have children.
I'm single.
Both of my parents are dead.
The rest of my family (my brother and sisters) live 150miles away so due to work/study commitments I only get to visit every 4/5 months.

You said that you get all your emotional & social needs from your partner. I don't have a partner and my family is too far away. If you was in my shoes, how would you go about fulfilling your emotional & social needs??

I crave deep friendships. I want someone to really know the real me and I want to know the real them. I want them to feel that they could share anything with me.
I have this with my mum, my best friend from uni who lives 3 hours away, one friend I've known from school, and a friend who lives across the road from me. So, 4 people. This satisfies me completely.

I can go to a party and chat to anyone, I am good at small talk. But what I really crave is deep friendships. Which I have, And this makes me happy.

I went on holiday for 3 days with the football mums, of the team my ds1 plays for. We do spend quite a bit of time together, at matches each week and regularly socialise, just the mums, out drinking wine for eg. They are all lovely and I had a right giggle, but I'm not as close to them. And I don't know that much about them privately.
But that's just another, different level of friendship.

I have other school mum friends, who I go out with. Varying levels of intimacy and sharing. Some a lot. some hardly anything. But we still enjoy each others company. I like having party's and invite them all round. Everyone seems to get on fine.

But not everyone wants this level of friendship. You don't. I do. And that's ok. Why let this bother you?

I don't recognise this intense 'needy' type of female friendship you describe OP, ime ppl seem way too busy for all that after a certain age (early 20s). But friends can be people to have fun with, go on holiday with, nights out, chat to, share different interests with etc.

Sorry. Just seen, that you probably have Aspergers and you dc is being assessed for ASD.
Now this all makes sense. Maybe you should have said that in the OP. Because everything you've written is classic ASD. Surely you know that?

And I resent being described as Needy. Just because I enjoy close friendships.