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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand friendship?

247 replies

VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 19:01

This is hard to explain. I don’t understand friendships.

I have friends. We meet once every few weeks in the pub for a few drinks, have a laugh and that’s it. I have great fun, we enjoy ourselves.

In between, I rarely talk to them. I don’t do daily conversations or even weekly, and I don’t do small talk at all.

The way other people conduct friendships baffles me. Visits to each other’s houses, knowledge about friends relationships (I have no idea, other than my couple friends, if my friends are dating anyone), gossip. I also don’t get girls/lads nights out, and this camerarderie that everyone has. I get all my needs met from my partner - what need do I have for this socialising? To me, it’s a lot of time money and energy for very little reward.

I mainly prefer hanging out with people if there’s an organised activity, like a game night or cards. Unorganised, aimless socialising seems pointless and boring to me.

DP thinks I’m a right weirdo Grin he’s a lot friendlier than me.

Anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 11/03/2018 21:03

I don't think there's anything wrong with you, everyone is different. I personally love my close female friendships. I adore my dh but he's like a lot of men, and not super chatty and very practical in his advice so I get from my friends a different kind of relationship. We can chat for hours and give each other emotional support. I think as long as you feel as your needs are met by someone and you're not missing out then it's fine for you to feel how you feel. Different strokes and all that.

HyenaHappy · 11/03/2018 21:04

Eh, to me I think it’s weird to rely or need someone not in the relationship. It feels wrong. I prefer to have DP for that.

It’s not about needing or relying on anyone. That makes it onerous and ‘work.’ It’s about genuinely enjoying someone else’s company, caring about them and spending time with them.

I’m very grateful that DH and I are very close, have fun together, laugh together and support each other but that isn’t to the exclusion of all other people. Our friends enhance our lives individually, as a couple and as a family.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 21:09

Hyena I think my issue is no one can beat DP. So while a day out with a friend might be nice, all I’ll think is how much better it’ll be with DP.

Couple friends I like, but for organised activities.

OP posts:
YoloSwaggins · 11/03/2018 21:09

I feel the same now. Since I met my lovely partner 2 years ago, I just feel like I don't need my friends much anymore. I would rather spend time with him or alone. I can't quote our fave TV shows or have the same laughs with friends and it all seems to be a big effort.

I see friends once every couple of months but not any more. Just lost all desire for it since not being single anymore!

YoloSwaggins · 11/03/2018 21:10

OP, same for me - no-one can beat him for company. We just get each others sense of humour 100%.

If anyone else was "better", I'd be dating them wouldn't I?

Skittlesandbeer · 11/03/2018 21:11

I think a lot depends on how you process problems and challenges in life. Different people have different styles.

For example, I can overthink things, and have a tendency to catastrophise when I wrestle too long with a problem in my mind. Talking to a (close) friend, even just hearing myself explain my thoughts, can quickly clarify my situation and illuminate the road ahead. It would be a bit unkind to always lean on the same person (ie partner) for this. Equally, I love solving problems and am a good listener, so helping other people makes me happy and fulfilled. Leading to friendship.

There’s also a thing called ‘locus of control’ which comes into play here. Some folk have a richer internal world, some get their meaning from the outside world. Neither is better, we could all use a balance.

It could also just be that you haven’t had any big crises in life, haven’t needed the practical and emotional assistance of others. I was definitely someone who treated friendships more lightly before my circle experienced terminal illness, chronic conditions, mental health issues, grief, unemployment, difficult births, ageing parents, divorce, etc.

When these things hit you (or your pub mates), then things move to a deeper level. Or you get new mates who aren’t afraid to ‘get their hands dirty’ with the sadder realities of life. This goes for the good bits in life, too.

I have friends who I can celebrate things with, things that don’t interest my DH. He’d be polite, but sometimes I want more than that!

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 21:12

OP, same for me - no-one can beat him for company. We just get each others sense of humour 100%.

If anyone else was "better", I'd be dating them wouldn't I?

Exactly! This sums up how I feel perfectly.

Others are just second rate versions of times I could spend with DP.

OP posts:
Jaygee61 · 11/03/2018 21:13

I’m another one without many friends, outside of the work colleagues I see every day. I have a couple of friends but we meet up about once a month if that. My DH is my best friend. I’m very happy just being with him or on my own. He does have a few friends he goes for a pint with from time to time (singly, not as a group). And we are friends with another couple, who live quite near but again we don’t meet that often, perhaps once a month. I find group situations difficult unless there is some sort of focus like a meal or activity. I really hate sitting in a big group in pubs, so I don’t really enjoy socialising with colleagues even though I do like them as people!

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 21:15

It could also just be that you haven’t had any big crises in life, haven’t needed the practical and emotional assistance of others. I was definitely someone who treated friendships more lightly before my circle experienced terminal illness, chronic conditions, mental health issues, grief, unemployment, difficult births, ageing parents, divorce, etc.

That’s not true. I’ve dealt with mental health issues, miscarriage, premature birth and other unpleasant things. I just...wouldn’t ever talk to my friends about it? I’d tell them but I wouldn’t go for any emotional support or into detail.

I have my partner and our families for that.

Locus of control sounds interesting. I will google that.

OP posts:
OutyMcOutface · 11/03/2018 21:16

I do the vast majority of my personal relationships stuff with my DH and a few others ate (too little time for anything else). For me it’s the opposite. I like having long term intimate friendships but the random going out and socialising with people I don’t really know stuff is a bit of a boring way to spend an evening at best and torture at worst (hence my not doing it at the moment being too tired and all). Different strokes for different folks. So long as you are happy to hat us what counts.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/03/2018 21:17

OP how old were you when you met your partner?

I was 29 when we met and before him there had been maybe 3 serious relationships from 17 - 26 with long gaps at times.

I've had some of my friends since I was 11. So whatever I might have done with my now husband, I had only friends to do it with for many years.
People whose company I enjoy, who understand me, who like me. Emotionally similar to having a relationship in some ways but with no physical attraction.

Those people are people I love too much to ditch just because I got married.

I love my husband but here hates Disney movies shop I go with my best friend. He likes drinking but we have a child so someone has to look after him whilst the other one goes out. He likes coffee but he works in the day so he can't come. I could go alone but I know smart, funny, carrying people whose company I like. That makes it little effort to spend time with them

OutyMcOutface · 11/03/2018 21:18

*i do really enjoy my own company though if that makes a difference. I’m not one to get lonesome.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 21:18

We met at university, so quite young.

OP posts:
Andijustknew · 11/03/2018 21:19

OP apologies it might have been asked, but who would you go to if you wanted to talk about your DP? If you were having relationship difficulties for example. Or if he got ill and you needed emotional support?

jaseyraex · 11/03/2018 21:20

You're definitely not a weirdo. I think it's quite sweet you feel you get everything you need from your partner, certainly nothing wrong with that Smile

I've known my closest friend since we were 4, best friends forever and all that when we were little. We've just kind of stuck together through adulthood as well. We're both 26 now. She's the one person other than DH that I truly enjoy spending time with and we chat at least once a week. We're very similar and so she comes with me to certain gigs and things like that, things that DH doesn't really have an interest in. I have other friends that I catch up with every few months but I don't speak to them in between. I like having my best friend though, I've been friends with her for so long now that I couldn't imagine her not being around!

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 21:21

*OP apologies it might have been asked, but who would you go to if you wanted to talk about your DP? If you were having relationship difficulties for example. Or if he got ill and you needed emotional support?
Probably my mum. I was an only child and my mum worked part time, I grew up with my mum as my friend and we’ve continued that. We go for days out together.

She shares my view on friends. She has very few, doesn’t want any and says she prefers spending time with me, my dad, her sister. She gets fed up of people at work asking her to go out.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 11/03/2018 21:23

I think maybe that makes a difference, my sister can be annoying, my Dad isn't great with emotions and I had a few bad relationships. If I had to wait for a man I was sleeping with for emotional support, I'd be screwed lol. My best friend is also single in her mid 30's and many others got met their partner well into their 20's.

DH has less need for friends than me, as long as we're both happy that's ask that counts

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 21:23

Jaseyraex I did have one friend like that. We grew up together, in the same street and both felt a bit different to other kids. Turns out he’s gay, as kids we didn’t know that, we just grouped together as two weirdos. Other than him and my partner I’ve not clicked with anyone else.

He moved abroad so I don’t see him often.

OP posts:
Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 21:25

I think maybe that makes a difference, my sister can be annoying, my Dad isn't great with emotions and I had a few bad relationships. If I had to wait for a man I was sleeping with for emotional support, I'd be screwed lol.

I think it might do. I also had dc quite young (we’re in our twenties) so I suppose that makes a difference too.

I was similar as a child though.

OP posts:
maygirl27 · 11/03/2018 21:29

You're not unusual in any way. It's what you prefer. If you're happy with that, why worry?

SleepingStandingUp · 11/03/2018 21:32

What were your friendships and relationships like before DH?

I would feel suffocated if DH said he didn't need anyone but me to spend time with, rely on, open up to. When we had our son we supported each other but we also massively relied on other friends to give each other space to deal with our own stuff too. I honestly think we'd have sunk under our emotions if we couldn't have shared the pain and fear

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 11/03/2018 21:35

It sounds like you value close relationships a lot, and you've had them with your mum and then boyfriend/husband since late teens, so perhaps there wasn't room for much friendship beyond that, if you see what I mean.

I definitely developed deeper friendships in my late teens, twenties and early thirties due to being single (mostly) and, having got the friend habit, have carried it on although don't have the time/energy always to put into them I would have had at that life-stage. Luckily they are all juggling work, children and the rest of their lives, so we seem to need about the same amount of contact which isn't overwhelming.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/03/2018 21:38

I'm definitely an ambivert. I have no problem with social interaction, but I prefer to pass on it aside from daily normal instances. My mother is a social butterfly, loads of friends and always going to some party, out to lunch or a club event. She has never understood me, but that's ok. People who need to surround themselves with lots of people don't get those who don't. My husband is my friend, a TRUE friend.

Personally, I think far too many people are much too loose with calling people "friends." Acquaintances is usually much more accurate.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 21:41

*It sounds like you value close relationships a lot, and you've had them with your mum and then boyfriend/husband since late teens, so perhaps there wasn't room for much friendship beyond that, if you see what I mean.
Yeah I think so. That seems to be what I did whereas others make more friends.

OP posts:
TinWhistleTunes · 11/03/2018 21:43

Friendship is about giving.

Just about giving. Not about anything we get back.