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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand friendship?

247 replies

VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 19:01

This is hard to explain. I don’t understand friendships.

I have friends. We meet once every few weeks in the pub for a few drinks, have a laugh and that’s it. I have great fun, we enjoy ourselves.

In between, I rarely talk to them. I don’t do daily conversations or even weekly, and I don’t do small talk at all.

The way other people conduct friendships baffles me. Visits to each other’s houses, knowledge about friends relationships (I have no idea, other than my couple friends, if my friends are dating anyone), gossip. I also don’t get girls/lads nights out, and this camerarderie that everyone has. I get all my needs met from my partner - what need do I have for this socialising? To me, it’s a lot of time money and energy for very little reward.

I mainly prefer hanging out with people if there’s an organised activity, like a game night or cards. Unorganised, aimless socialising seems pointless and boring to me.

DP thinks I’m a right weirdo Grin he’s a lot friendlier than me.

Anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:
Lovelise · 11/03/2018 19:36

I love my own company and only keep in contact with friends because of some unspoken social code. I find groups draining but one to one is OK and enjoy it when I'm there. If I don't see any friends for ages I'm not upset.

ChillieJeanie · 11/03/2018 19:38

I don't understand friendships either. In fact, I don't understand how they happen at all. Most of the time this doesn't bother me, but I've been feeling baffled by it lately and think it would be a good thing to try and work out. I just don't know how people make friends.

For example, I've been going to a book club for the last four or five years. While I've got to know people there and we get on well, I have no contact with them outside of the meetings (and occasional comments on Facebook). I know that other long-term members have made friendships and occasionally do things with each other. I'm just clueless as to how that happens. I can also see from Facebook their evenings out and things with their other friends, so they clearly have the knack for it.

Similarly, for the last year I have been going to a dance class that I was encouraged to try (by someone from book club but she doesn't go to these classes anymore). She has been doing it much longer admittedly, but she now goes off on dance weekends and holidays with people she had met through the classes and again, I can't work out how that comes about. I go along, do the lesson and freestyle sessions, and then go home again. Clearly I'm missing something.

I don't think I could do regular hangouts at other people's houses either, and am not much good at small talk which probably doesn't help with being able to make friends. It would be nice to have one or two, though.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 19:40

For example, I've been going to a book club for the last four or five years. While I've got to know people there and we get on well, I have no contact with them outside of the meetings (and occasional comments on Facebook). I know that other long-term members have made friendships and occasionally do things with each other. I'm just clueless as to how that happens. I can also see from Facebook their evenings out and things with their other friends, so they clearly have the knack for it.

This is like me. I can socialise in a group but I don’t get it either. I have no ability to make friends but also my interest in doing it is limited by not really liking hanging out with people outside an organisation anyway.

It’s odd.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 11/03/2018 19:42

I socialise through my DDs karate, through her Air Cadets, through DD and DSs youth club. DD doesn't even go to school and I do ok.

If you then meet people you choose to meet up with, then that is a bonus, if not, then that is ok too!

GreenTulips · 11/03/2018 19:42

I wouldn't like to depend on my partner/husband for emotional support all the time

I don’t like being relied on (responsibility) or relying on someone else

But you do rely on and expect an awful lot of suppprt from your husband - give him a break and let someone else take the strain sometimes

You sound like hard work - and suffocating! I wouldn't date anyone without friends - too much from one person

Riverside2 · 11/03/2018 19:42

My friends are my loved ones, my tribe, my troops when I send a rallying call

I luffs them so much, I can't begin to tell you

But it's perfectly fine you don't feel like that. We're all different. I have a thing about "pointless" social stuff eg weddings, big parties etc. My sister loves them. We are who we are. It's all good.

Ragwort · 11/03/2018 19:43

I love having a wide circle of friends - and I do different things with different friends - some are school friends I have known for years (since nursery school - we are in our late 50s Grin) and I love knowing all about their families; some are new friends that we might do 'political' things with, some few are for going to the gym with, others might be 'foodies' and we love eating out together, I belong to lots of organisations and committees etc so have friendships there.

I cannot for one minute imagine my DH meeting all my 'needs' for emotional support and friendship - and neither would I consider that I meet his needs - he too has a wide circle of friends.

And being a cynic, if you rely on one person for 'everything' what happens if you split up or one of you dies? I see many older people in my line of work who have never made many friends and are then left on their own. I think friendships are really important.

VioletCharlotte · 11/03/2018 19:44

I've got 2 really close friends who I message pretty much daily. They've been there for me when I've needed them and they know I'm there for them. We've all had our fair share of crap over the years, and I don't know how I'd have for through it without them.

Maybe it's different if you have a really great partner, but I'm a single Mum, and both of them have issues in their relationships, so we rely on each other for support.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 19:45

But you do rely on and expect an awful lot of suppprt from your husband - give him a break and let someone else take the strain sometimes

Why would I want to open myself to someone else? That level of opening comes with romantic and sexual relationships, at least to me. I have no interest in doing so with anyone else.

You sound like hard work - and suffocating! I wouldn't date anyone without friends - too much from one person

Well, that’s charming. I’m unsure how me choosing to read a book or watch a film or browse online rather than going out hinders him, especially when he’s a massive nerd who enjoys geeking out over TV/books/games, but hey ho. Hmm

OP posts:
Want2beme · 11/03/2018 19:46

I'm not big into friends either. I sometimes wonder if it's a case of finding the right person to be friends with, someone that you really click with, as you do with a DP? Not easy to achieve, but not impossible. The search continues...

Fugitivefrombrusstice · 11/03/2018 19:47

For me it's not about chit chat or small talk. I have very deep relationships with my friends - I rely on them for advice and support, I share my experiences and ambitions with them, I am truly invested in their lives and wellbeing. I love them very much.

If I didn't have them I would really miss the support network they provide (as well as the fun of spending time with them, talking to them, laughing with them etc)

I don't think it's really a problem if you don't have the same thing with your friends. If your needs are met by your partner then your support network is big enough. Not everyone has the same level or intensity of friendships.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 19:47

Ragwort

Most of those things I’d rather do alone or with my partner. Going for a meal, the gym (I’d do that alone) etc.

As for if one of us dies, that’d be terribly unfortunate and I’d be devastated. However I don’t think I can or should live my life a certain way just in case of a tragic accident

OP posts:
usercantsleep · 11/03/2018 19:48

"Dc is as antisocial as me luckily"......

I'd try to get them used to group things/activities etc........they can learn from them and it can be quite frightening for them at a Nursery/school if they've not been used to being in others company

ChillieJeanie · 11/03/2018 19:48

In my case, I'm not in a relationship either. At 40, I've never had a long-term relationship and it has been over a decade (probably nearly 2) since I've had anything that could approximate to a relationship at all. I think this is why the friendship thing bugs me occasionally - I have visions of being one of those elderly people who dies and no one finds out for months.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 19:49

Not everyone has the same level or intensity of friendships.

I think this is it. I have “casual friends” aka drinking buddies.

I just don’t understand the need/advantage others get they wouldn’t get from a partner or family. I like to understand other people but I am shit at it.

OP posts:
Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 19:52

user he goes to nursery but hates large groups and prefers to play by himself or with the girls looking after him. Whenever I take him to play areas, he chooses me over kids to play with.

OP posts:
FissionChips · 11/03/2018 19:52

I just don’t understand the need/advantage others get they wouldn’t get from a partner or family. I like to understand other people but I am shit at it

Maybe they’re just needy people or people who like a lot of drama?
Be glad you’re not like that and live life how you wish.

BerkInBag · 11/03/2018 19:52

I am 48 and I have two close friends that I see probably once a month. All of us are similar in that we like our own company and would find too much contact a bit overwhelming.

I like to stay on the periphery of social groups. I'm comfortable with how I am now but when younger I felt like an odd ball.

About 15 years ago I decided to make a concerted effort to get in the mix a bit more but I found it quite stressful in the end and decided that my way of being that slight bit removed was far preferable.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 19:53

Fission yes I do think perhaps they’re more needy. I think I’m fairly emotionally stunted so perhaps that’s it Wink

OP posts:
greendale17 · 11/03/2018 19:57

I wouldn't date anyone without friends - too much from one person

^I agree. Why would you want to be solely dependent on your husband for support?

Kahlua4me · 11/03/2018 19:57

My friends are very important to me. We share news, offer support when times are tough and share laughs when times are good.

Sometimes I don’t know how I would survive without them. I don’t have that many that I would count as true friends but I certainly have enough with no need for more.

Friends I could ring, and have, at any time day or night and they would be there for me. When my lovely mum died they were all there as soon as they heard and have supported me, dh and dc through our grief. I rang one of them at 5am after police had been around with their devastating news and she was here instantly.

Two of them I have known since I was 3 and they are more like sisters to me.

They are also there when times are good, to get drunk with, dance with, celebrate dc achievements etc

They brighten my world ❤️

MoralBeryl · 11/03/2018 19:57

I'm similar to you OP, but I do have a small number of close friends (3 maybe) that I make a bit more of an effort to invest in. I find them easy to be around, so it's not a chore.

My DM seems to think that to be a success in life you need to have a massive social network. She and my brother are the kind who just collect friends and she's said some spiteful things about my lack of friends.

It's not because people don't like me, it's because I'm not such a fan of people (in the general sense, there are few people I actively dislike personally). I don't worry about it. Why would I compromise a situation I am happy with, for one that would make me uncomfortable?

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 19:58

^I agree. Why would you want to be solely dependent on your husband for support?

Because I don’t enjoy spending time with others outside of certain settings? Hmm

OP posts:
usercantsleep · 11/03/2018 19:58

I'm sure he does because he now doesn't like interacting with others!

FissionChips · 11/03/2018 20:00

Why would you want to be solely dependent on your husband for support?

Support for what?Confused not everyone needs a hand hold through life.