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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand friendship?

247 replies

VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 19:01

This is hard to explain. I don’t understand friendships.

I have friends. We meet once every few weeks in the pub for a few drinks, have a laugh and that’s it. I have great fun, we enjoy ourselves.

In between, I rarely talk to them. I don’t do daily conversations or even weekly, and I don’t do small talk at all.

The way other people conduct friendships baffles me. Visits to each other’s houses, knowledge about friends relationships (I have no idea, other than my couple friends, if my friends are dating anyone), gossip. I also don’t get girls/lads nights out, and this camerarderie that everyone has. I get all my needs met from my partner - what need do I have for this socialising? To me, it’s a lot of time money and energy for very little reward.

I mainly prefer hanging out with people if there’s an organised activity, like a game night or cards. Unorganised, aimless socialising seems pointless and boring to me.

DP thinks I’m a right weirdo Grin he’s a lot friendlier than me.

Anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:
mixture · 12/03/2018 04:37

We also support each other when things aren’t great and give each other good advice.

For me, people always prefer to go to someone else instead, someone they het along with better. They might listen politely if I would need support, or they might just show disinterest, or (which happened a lot when I grew up) ignore you as if you weren't there even. Can you even be friends with someone if it's not mutual? In my experience, if things aren't great then you're pretty much on your own. People don't have time to meet or give support.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 12/03/2018 06:59

But it isn't a male/female thing. you said yourself that your dp thinks you are a weirdo for not wanting friendships so clearly it isn't a male/female/oh if only women were tomboys/ thing.

His friendships still aren’t as intense as typical female ones. I get on with a lot of his friends and there’s not that...neediness? there.

OP posts:
Surelyyoudontmeanthat · 12/03/2018 07:32

This is a very interesting thread.

As another pp said, in a way it's the same as "I love sport" and "I don't like sport at all" - people are different and it's absolutely fine not to want friends. But the reality is that in our society we don't tend to see it like that. I think perhaps a value is attached in our society to having lots of friendships - it is seen as a compliment if you say of someone that they have loads of friends, and negative if someone has few. Whereas in fact it could be just that the second person isn't into the usual model of friendship.

A value is also attached to having close friendships; and 'friendship groups' - a person with those is seen as in some way 'successful'. Whereas as this thread shows, not everyone wants those - and that is absolutely fine!

Gwenhwyfar · 12/03/2018 07:36

"This is exactly how I feel. Male friends I can text “anyone up for the pub later?” and we can go, have a beer, play some card games and it’ll be fun. No expectations, no stress. With women, there’s some sort of invisible rules I wasn’t informed of that I’m supposed to take note of. "

You can do this with women friends as well. I don't have women friends in the town where I live, but when I've had some in the past they don't have to be really intense. I've never texted one every day and I don't buy them Christmas presents or anything like that though I agree that that kind of thing is more expected in female friendships.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 12/03/2018 07:38

You can do this with women friends as well. I don't have women friends in the town where I live, but when I've had some in the past they don't have to be really intense. I've never texted one every day and I don't buy them Christmas presents or anything like that though I agree that that kind of thing is more expected in female friendships.

I completely agree I just think it’s harder to find female friends who don’t expect the more typical friendship

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 12/03/2018 07:42

Just to clarify - I care very much about my female friends, just don't see the need to give presents and don't want any myself. I also think I'm not 'popular' enough for people to get needy with me. I have one friend who expects replies to her texts within a certain time frame and goes mad if it doesn't arrive, but she's like that with everyone and it's definitely not an everyday thing.
I can't imagine texting someone every day and I wonder how many friends really do that.

corythatwas · 12/03/2018 08:35

I had a mixed group of male and female friends since university, never noticed any difference in neediness between the sexes. We all enjoyed sitting up all night talking and I would still be up for it any time if I didn't happen to live so far away. Just because we like each other and have a lot in common. Don't do much socialising away from work these days, but have similar friendship at work.

thegreylady · 12/03/2018 08:45

I have 4 very close friends, one couple, one single lady and one who was divorced before we met. All those friendships have lasted over 45 years and one for62 years.
Three of my friends are also friends with one another having met through me. We meet regularly birthdays, New Years Eve, November 5th at each other’s houses, we have been on holiday in various combinations, we know one another’s families. My dh is also close to 3 of these friends. We just enjoy spending time together. Dh and I are meeting the couple for coffee tomorrow.
In the coming months I am going to spend a day in London with my oldest friend, we are going to a concert with the couple and three of them will come to my home for my birthday to eat and sleep over.
They enrich my life with mutual love and support.

OlivesAndWhiskey · 12/03/2018 08:47

Hi OP, I'm the same as you! We're not weirdos :D

UnrelentingFruitScoffer · 12/03/2018 08:51

OP is an introvert. There are some like that. They don’t contribute much to life, and they don’t get much back from life. It’s perfectly fair but it must be very boring for them.

PersonAtHome · 12/03/2018 09:09

Interesting thread.

While I don't like the stereotyping of male / female friendships, I do keep meeting women who seem to have certain friendship rules and an approach that I struggle with.

I've noticed that with a group of local women (all of us have met through our husbands and we socialise mostly as couples) that they buy each other Christmas and birthday presents and I get the impression that they don't really understand why I don't join in with this. Also they meet up for 'girly' nights in wine bars - I'm just not interested in this, I'd rather meet up for a walk in the country, go to see a film together, go to a museum or gallery, or maybe lunch or a coffee.

In one respect I think that is just different people having different interests and perspectives, yet it seems that I often meet women who conform to the stereotypes of wanting 'girly' nights out and fussing over buying presents for each other and huge over the top celebrations of birthdays etc. Whereas the male friends I have seem happier to meet more casually in a quiet pub and they don't seem to expect all this over the top fuss.

Though I probably just haven't met the right people for me.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 12/03/2018 09:12

OP is an introvert. There are some like that. They don’t contribute much to life, and they don’t get much back from life. It’s perfectly fair but it must be very boring for them.

That’s complete bullshit. There’s more to give and to get than social relationships. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
VioletteValentia · 12/03/2018 09:13

Exactly Person. I’m not trying to stereotype women, but more often the women I’ve met are like the ones you describe. I’m more like you and would prefer a walk or a gallery or something casual.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 12/03/2018 09:16

UnrelentingFruitScoffer I missed the bit where OP discussed her job, her caring responsibilities, her support to charities and causes. What a bizarre assumption to leap to that you can only contribute by having lots of friends

HyenaHappy · 12/03/2018 09:17

OP is an introvert. There are some like that. They don’t contribute much to life, and they don’t get much back from life. It’s perfectly fair but it must be very boring for them.

That’d unfair.

As I e said upthread, I’m an extrovert and very social with lots of friends. That doesn’t mean my life is better than OP’s or other introverts.

DaisyInTheChain · 12/03/2018 09:19

It depends what kind of person you are, you sound maybe a bit reserved like me, so you don't have oodles of friends, dinner parties, coffee at your place.

That isn't a bad thing.

We're like a bag of revels, all different.

RhiWrites · 12/03/2018 09:42

OP, I think some of your posts come across as quite dismissive of friendship.

You said:
I can’t fathom the purpose for small talk, chit chat and platitudes.

You’ve also talked about friendship activities as a waste of time.

If you don’t want or need friend, fine. But don’t dismiss the value and meaning of others conversations. There’s more going on than you apparently understand.

I had a colleague who dismissed everyone’s conversation as pointless chit chat. He couldn’t see the trees for the wood. And it caused him a lot of trouble.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 12/03/2018 09:47

Rhi I’m trying to understand, that’s why I’ve asked. I’m explaining how to me, I can’t see it, and hoping people will explain the whys to me

OP posts:
Echobelly · 12/03/2018 09:52

OP, I kind of relate. I certainly don't relate to the classic idea of female friendship, I have never had a confiding, sharing-all-my-secrets kind of friendship with anyone. Friends are more people I have a laugh with, not shoulders to cry on, I get that from my mum and my husband.

DaisyInTheChain · 12/03/2018 09:58

This there's 2 new things I've discovered as my friend has been diagnosed with them, one is Aspergers, I'm sure someone may have mentioned that, maybe it's worth taking the online test.

The second is a sensory processing disorder, so some people prefer being at home, alone, little to no noise, no bright lights, no strong smells. You don't need to tick all the boxes, it could be that you prefer being alone, somewhere quiet, with the lights dimmed.

Does that sound like you?

Collywobbles1984 · 12/03/2018 10:09

I'm exactly the same as you OP. I get enough from my DH and three kids. My 14 year old DD is the same, has one friend who is here so much she's part of the family. If I want to go to the cinema, pub etc, I do so with DH. My youngest is 2 and I can't stand all those toddler groups, I've it her into nursery one afternoon a week so she can socialise, but that's more than enough for her. She favours me and her siblings to play with when we're out together. I have friends, but one lives a 2 hour drive away and the other is busy with his family. When we do meet up, we pick up where we left off and have a great time, but it's enough to see them a few times a year!

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 12/03/2018 10:11

Friends are more people I have a laugh with, not shoulders to cry on, I get that from my mum and my husband.

Yeah I am the same

Daisy it was suggested when I was young I have aspergers, and I’ve always just assumed it. It seems to fit.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 12/03/2018 10:15

Curious whether the people who feel like OP, and indeed OP herself do a lot of those activities (movies, dinner, coffee, theatre, concerts etc) alone or not st all? If not at all do the activities not interest you or is it simply about not wanting to go with someone or alone?
I have a nearly 3 yo, we didn't go to the cinema together for 2 years and our first gig together will be around his 3rd birthday. I do do them alone but I like having someone to share the experience with

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 12/03/2018 10:27

I will do them alone but I prefer going with DP. I wouldn’t not go though if he wasn’t available.

OP posts:
CountessNatasha · 12/03/2018 10:34

I don’t really understand what it is the OP doesn’t understand?!

She has needs for friendship they are just met by her husband and family - surely it’s not too much of a leap to see people either don’t have husbands who wholly fulfill that social need or just enjoy many different facets to their social relationships?

I understand how emotionally she may feel it’s too intrusive to have close relationships with a number of people FOR HER but other people are more open, simple really.

As for introverts not contributing - ridiculous! Some of our greatest writers, artists and scientists were introverts

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