To not understand friendship?

[VioletteValentia]

This is hard to explain. I don’t understand friendships.

I have friends. We meet once every few weeks in the pub for a few drinks, have a laugh and that’s it. I have great fun, we enjoy ourselves.

In between, I rarely talk to them. I don’t do daily conversations or even weekly, and I don’t do small talk at all.

The way other people conduct friendships baffles me. Visits to each other’s houses, knowledge about friends relationships (I have no idea, other than my couple friends, if my friends are dating anyone), gossip. I also don’t get girls/lads nights out, and this camerarderie that everyone has. I get all my needs met from my partner - what need do I have for this socialising? To me, it’s a lot of time money and energy for very little reward.

I mainly prefer hanging out with people if there’s an organised activity, like a game night or cards. Unorganised, aimless socialising seems pointless and boring to me.

DP thinks I’m a right weirdo he’s a lot friendlier than me.

Anyone else feel this way?

Hi Violette from what you are saying I think you just don't find people in general very interesting! You say when you talk with your DH you talk about 'facts' and that is what interests you . I think that no matter how many people try to explain why they need and love friendships you wouldn't get it, as this just isn't you, and what you are about! Sometimes we can want to try to understand other people but their make up can be so different to our own we just can't.

As long as you are content being you that is what matters.

Apples I think you’re right. I think I’m just a more “factual” person maybe, who prefers to deal with things and information. This thread has been interesting though, at least to learn about what some people say friendship brings them.

I've always enjoyed having friends, though I do struggle with making the effort at the moment as I'm on anti-depressants and it's as much as I can cope with to get through each day. That's where Facebook comes in handy, I message them on there. I made an effort to call a friend though, which I'm pleased about.

It really isn't a good idea to depend only on your partner (although I have a lovely DH). My MIL was very dependent on my FIL emotionally, but then he was killed in a car accident. You just never know what will happen. It's never a good idea to depend on just one person in your life.

Friends seem quite a second choice compared to my DP though. That’s the problem.

This has meant that my MIL has been very dependent emotionally on her 2 DSs and particularly my DH. He's very loyal and caring and will talk to her a lot on the phone, but we don't live locally so there is only so much support he can give her.

I live in the same area that mine and DPs family have lived in for years. We all live within an hour and a half of eachother. So I suppose I’m lucky.

That is helpful, or ideally should be. My family is dysfunctional, though, so it's not particularly helpful for me. Which is why friendships have always been important to me.

At the end of the day, we make friendships because we want to. So if they're not important to you, that's why you don't get it. Each to their own.

So you're happy and it's all good OP ... Why do you care about the rest of us who think differently? You've had 10 pages of people explaining and you don't get it, which is fine - l would go mad in your position, but as l'm not in your position and you sound well satisfied with life then l don't see what the issue is.
I can't see the point of sport, so l don't watch it and everyone is happy ... l'm getting a bit of a "You're all needy, high-maintenance weirdos or you'd be like me" sort of vibe from this thread now, to be honest ...

I am usually like that but I do have one friend I like to just chat with.
It took until I was in my 30's to find someone I was comfortable having a really relaxed kind of friendship with. (Besides DH of course)

Because I like to know how people think.

I don’t think I’m better than people with friends.

No one is better than anyone! We're just different ... As long as you feel happy with your relationships then it's a moot point really ... l don't think you can explain it properly any more than DB and DSIS can explain to me the allure of football!

I have to say, I cherish my broad circle of friends. I've even made some friends through MN. I can't really imagine my life without my friends.

I think the thing is that the enjoyment of frienship isn't a logical transaction - it's more of a sun-on-your-face pleasure sensation. I don't recognise the text every day or you're no friend of mine model of frienship that some previous posters have mentioned, either. I can go weeks without getting in touch with some of mine, but when l do - it's good and l feel richer for it.

I genuinely think it's very sad to contemplate anybody who hasn't known the pleasure of friendship.

I'm not a people person. I have 2 good friends but I am very much a home person. One of those friends lives quite far away and because we are a farm it suits her well to bring her dcs down every so often for a catch up for a few hours and rest of our contact is by message. She is my ideal friend.
Other friend I suspect I'm a shit friend to, she loves to go out for coffee or breakfasts etc but I don't and can't (between work on farm and both I and dd2 have chronic illness) Another one is she prefers phone calls to messages and I'm like those memes where you see a frozen labrador with goggly eyes if the phone rings. How we've stayed friends for so long I don't know.

You are saying that you find it hard to understand what people need friendships for - I find it equally hard to understand that you feel your DP meets all your 'needs' for friendship and support.

But if you are happy then fine, don't worry about us who enjoy friendships. .

I know you don't like people saying 'what happens if he leaves or dies' but the reality is that even if you never split up one of you will die first - and as I said earlier in the thread I meet lots and lots of lonely people who, in my opinion, have over invested in their relationship, never bothered to make a wider circle of friends and then find themselves desperately lonely when they are left on their own.

And how long have you been together? I have been married for over 30 years and of course, when we were first married we loved doing everything together but, as the years go by, many people go on to have wider interests the longer they are together which might mean that they also enjoy separate hobbies/friendships & activities. DH and I met through a shared volunteering interest, he then didn't want to spend so much time doing it, whilst I got more and more involved. We were still the same 'people' but our interests and priorities had changed. I therefore developed more friendships through the activity, whereas he was spending much less time doing the activity.

I think the thing is that the enjoyment of friendship isn't a logical transaction - it's more of a sun-on-your-face pleasure sensation. I don't recognise the text every day or you're no friend of mine model of friendship that some previous posters have mentioned, either. I can go weeks without getting in touch with some of mine, but when l do - it's good and l feel richer for it.

Yes to this only many of mine live scattered across the world, because I've moved around a lot, so years can go by without us actually seeing one another, but I am absolutely the richer for knowing them. OP, the banal chit chat in the pub scenario you describe, or the drama and fallouts described by Yolo and others don't meet my criteria for friendship at all that's acquaintanceship for me, and it doesn't interest me at all, except insofar as a friendship might develop out of it. And there's no 'logic' to friendships -- there's nothing to 'get'. These are just people who feel like home to me, that I'm delighted to have in my life.

I'm a independent, naturally solitary and rather introverted person not wildly sociable, seldom 'socialise', and have a busy life and a demanding job. I don't have large numbers of friends, and mostly see them one-on-one, when we happen to be in the same country. I have a DH whom I've adored since we were teenagers (no mid-40s) and a young DS whom I adore and I'm fond of my siblings and parents, though we haven't lived in the same country for over 20 years -- but my friendships are very nearly as important to me as my closest relationships of blood and marriage.

How do you know your friends from mere acquaintances? I don't think I can tell the difference. I suppose you can't make friends out of acquaintances if these people doesn't want to be a friend of yours, but prefer to keep their distance.

mixture - yes, I have trouble with this as well. I think you only really know once you've moved away and you see who bothers to keep in touch or come to see you when you visit. The truth is that many of us share more with workmates who don't care about us than with our 'real' friends.

I don't think anyone really really likes small talk, chit chat etc. Real friendship takes time, evolves way beyond small talk. But of course only happens if you invest in it and nurture it. It is not entirely dissimilar to the friendship you have with a partner. It is a connection on a deeper level.

I am not saying it is for everyone and not all people will want a lot of close relationships, there is nothing wrong with that. Please don't assume though that most platonic friendships are based on chit chat and small talk - that is having acquaintances not friends.

I think the thing for me is I don’t really find it fun when talking to most people. I just find it really boring.

And that is your choice! I don’t find chess fun, so I don’t play it.

My parents died when I was young, as did my absolute best friend at the time, and I have 8 siblings. I imagine that has all contributed to my friends being like family to me, and my love of having friends. I like people, I find them interesting, and I know my DH and DC are the exact same. When I meet a new person I am genuinely interested in finding out about their life - I’ve always been into reading/films for probably similar reasons, I’m interested in people and what’s going on. I also like making people happy, and I know when you help/support someone, or just display an interest in their life, you’re having a positive impact on my life.

I also grew up surrounded by friends - my parents had a group of close friends from when they were at school, so from birth I had a ready made huge extended family/friend circle of them and all their children. My happiest childhood memories are playing with them, and going on holiday with them, and now I believe my children’s happiest times are playing with their children and going on holiday with their families. We are also all godparents of each other’s children, and my children are very good at talking to adults because they have adults who they consider friends, as well as children much older/younger (the children range in age from not yet born up to 24!). We spend most of the summer holiday and every Christmas and Easter all together, and we always have done. They are family to me really!

Then there are friends I’ve made and kept throughout the years at school/University/different jobs/church/being neighbours. If they’re far away they come to visit us and we visit them - I think I love having a full and busy house. From my local friends I usually have someone round most days, just to chat - about deep life stuff, meaningless stuff, art, books, film, tv, politics, languages - anything. I talk about all this with my DH as well but as I said earlier - I love hearing different perspectives and have a genuine interest in their lives. If you’re not interested, then there’s no need for you to have friends! Plenty don’t need lots of close friends.

My DC are exactly the same - we live very near both their primary and secondary schools. There are 3 of them currently in school (year 1, year 8, year 9) and we have at least 3 extra people home with us after school every day, even if only briefly, or they’re off at another friend’s house - often to share lifts to an activity.

I think your best resolution here would to just accept that some value friendships, and others don’t. I can’t imagine life without a huge social circle and lots of friends, and you can’t imagine one with. Much like I can’t imagine enjoying a game of chess, but you clearly enjoy it! It’s just different interests.

Interesting. I guess it's about spending time together and taking an interest in each others lives. Can you be friends with someone who is not interested in what is going on I'm your life or interested in spending time together? If not, why? Why doesn't it work?