To not understand friendship?

[VioletteValentia]

This is hard to explain. I don’t understand friendships.

I have friends. We meet once every few weeks in the pub for a few drinks, have a laugh and that’s it. I have great fun, we enjoy ourselves.

In between, I rarely talk to them. I don’t do daily conversations or even weekly, and I don’t do small talk at all.

The way other people conduct friendships baffles me. Visits to each other’s houses, knowledge about friends relationships (I have no idea, other than my couple friends, if my friends are dating anyone), gossip. I also don’t get girls/lads nights out, and this camerarderie that everyone has. I get all my needs met from my partner - what need do I have for this socialising? To me, it’s a lot of time money and energy for very little reward.

I mainly prefer hanging out with people if there’s an organised activity, like a game night or cards. Unorganised, aimless socialising seems pointless and boring to me.

DP thinks I’m a right weirdo he’s a lot friendlier than me.

Anyone else feel this way?

I have two solid groups of friends I love, they nourish and enrich my life and provide support in a different way to my DP.
We share and and support each other, but we also laugh hysterically together and have great fun. I feel that there are certain things only other women understand, and my DP and I are best friends of course but my female friends and I can talk about everything and they understand my perspective in ways he doesn’t.
I suppose I’d summarise by saying I feel warm inside after spending time with them, or during a fun group chat, it’s nice to know a group of people have your back, and that you’ll all be laughing like mad next time you meet up.

If you are happy that's all that matters. I have a few good friends who I have had for years, but no recently made friends, I do sometimes wonder how others do it then realise I just don't make the effort. Why? probably as I don't feel the need for the support, someone up thread mentioned how her friends were there for her when her mother died, when mine died, one of my old friends took a week off work ,left her young children with their father and travelled back to our home town to spend time with me. I was touched that she did this but I didn't need it ( obviously did not voice this to her). OP mentioned being emotionally stunted, think this maybe me, I vividly remember when I got told my grandfather had died when I was 9, my mum cried, my brother cried and I thought oh I had better cry so I did - I was v close to be grandfather. I like to have fun with my friends, other stuff I work through myself.

"I can’t fathom the purpose for small talk, chit chat and platitudes"

Small talk and chit chat is for new acquaintances. Friends are for deep conversation. I think you have at least one good friend in your DP and you might feel more need for friends if you were single.

I don't have many friends and have gone all weekend without talking to any of them in real life because I haven't been 100%, but there are times when I do need to talk things through with someone.

I see lots of friends just having minor conversations?

But yes I’d agree DP is a wonderful friend

If anyone else was "better", I'd be dating them wouldn't I?

No. I am not attracted to women so I wouldn't date the 2 women who are my closest friends - or any of the other people I am friends with? Friendship is not the same as a sexual relationship.

OP, if you are happy, there is no problem. My dad didn't really do friendships. My dh doesn't either - certainly not to the same extent I do. He is perfectly happy. I am equally happy with my friendships.

I understand this completely.
I am a total introvert and very VERY private person. I have LOADS of friends but would never go to any of them for ‘support’...in fact, I don’t really know what that means. If something crap happens to me I need space and time and solitude to process it.
Luckily DH is the same and we can be quite happy in solitude together. :)

Friends are for fun and shared common experience, not for deep soul searching and intimate conversations.

But I am an artist...and we are all a bit odd

As other posters say friends aren't for small or platitudes. My friends know my most indepth thoughts and secrets and visa versa. Also they have a very dry humour and are nothing but honest and make me cackle with laughter. I don't think anything could shock them and the things they tell me well..

I think it's great that op you have such a strong relationship but friends are also there through breakups and can help if a partner is unsupportive ect.

It doesn't mean you have to talk all the time though. You can go through patches of seeing each other lots and then life can be busy so see each other less.

I wonder if you just haven't spent enough time with your current friends to be comfortable with them. You need to be good friends to be able to enjoy a companionable silence e.g. going to a cafe or their place and reading the papers together, not necessarily talking. I think you can probably only do things like that with your DP, but with time you could have friends close enough to do that with.

"I see lots of friends just having minor conversations?"

Some people only ever have shallow conversations with anyone, but most people do have deeper conversations with their friends. It's probably what differentiates an acquaintance from a friend, although I have friends who never really open up about their lives.

Family conversations can also be very minor though, can't they?

Family conversations can be, but in my experience they’re quite deep. But I grew up with a chess playing, documentary watching father who took me to castles for fun and my introverted artist mother who likes politics and space so they rarely were boring in my house!

Family conversations can be, but in my experience they’re quite deep.

All the time though? That would be exhausting. Presumably you sometimes have a conversation which is more along the lines of "do you want coffee/you won't believe what that trump tweeted now/god I hate the way the neighbour's leave their curtains half open"

I can't imagine a life where I spoke to dh ALL the time about deep stuff. That's the way it works with friendships too - you spend a bit of time talking about their children/work/whatever and then you wander into a fascinating or funny discussion about something else.

OP, one thing DH and I talk about is our friends and the various things they have said/concepts they have raised/issues they are facing. Do you and your partner ever talk about other people?

I agree with other posters that as long as you are happy then it doesn't really matter. Some people are sociable and some people are less so.

My friends are like family to me and I actually enjoy spending time with them more than most of my family! With my closest friends we text most days and see each other most weeks. I prioritise them and feel energised and happy after spending time with them. They make me feel good and I love them, I suppose that's what I get from friendship. I also enjoy female company more than male which may be a part of why I value friendship so much especially when in a relationship.

We do but those conversations are usually about something funny or to ask for something.

As for talking about others, sometimes, but not much. Our conversations are usually around us either making fun of each other, whatever movie we’ve seen, anime, whatever game we’re playing, space, politics, philosophy, fantasy novels...occasionally it will be about friends, and usually his friends because I’m the less friendly one.

I usually just tell DP weird facts tbh. He finds me interesting because of it, or so he says.

BadHair that’s interesting, because I don’t really enjoy female company very much. At least, not all on its own. I prefer either a mixed group or a group of men. Only one friend I can think of is female, and she’s quite atypical.

I find male company easier too. Just feel I have to walk on eggshells with women or "say the right thing" and show faux sympathy for stupid complaints like "oh my commute took so long". Living with 2 female housemates sent me into a breakdown because of the amount and intensity of contact they wanted. Every work issue became a 3 hour "girly" chat with wine in the corridor and I hated it so much. Plus female friends expect a lot more from me - that I'm "there" for them, that I text them every day, meet them once a week for brunch. Once I met my partner I stopped seeing half of these girls because they just became a PITA.

Whereas my bloke friends are a bit more straightforward and I can say it how it is/don't have to pretend to care.

Not generalising just my personal experience in my friendship group.

As for talking about others, sometimes, but not much. Our conversations are usually around us either making fun of each other, whatever movie we’ve seen, anime, whatever game we’re playing, space, politics, philosophy, fantasy novels...occasionally it will be about friends, and usually his friends because I’m the less friendly one.

That's kind of what any of us talk about with family - and with friends.

I find it a bit baffling that you like those conversations with your partner but can't understand other people liking them with their friends as well as their partner.

Or is it that you presume that no one has those conversations except with a partner. That isn't correct.

I find it a bit baffling that you like those conversations with your partner but can't understand other people liking them with their friends as well as their partner

I think I don’t understand why people want/need to talk about them with others. Politics I understand because debates are fun but otherwise, I don’t understand. To be honest it’s not really the topics as much as the regularity or effort people want. If people only expected occasional debates and film watching I’d be happy.

I find male company easier too. Just feel I have to walk on eggshells with women or "say the right thing" and show faux sympathy for stupid complaints like "oh my commute took so long". Living with 2 female housemates sent me into a breakdown because of the amount and intensity of contact they wanted. Every work issue became a 3 hour "girly" chat

This is exactly how I feel. Male friends I can text “anyone up for the pub later?” and we can go, have a beer, play some card games and it’ll be fun. No expectations, no stress. With women, there’s some sort of invisible rules I wasn’t informed of that I’m supposed to take note of.

Plus female friends expect a lot more from me - that I'm "there" for them, that I text them every day, meet them once a week for brunch. Once I met my partner I stopped seeing half of these girls because they just became a PITA.

Yeah exactly. I can’t be doing with that. I don’t want such an intensity, it’s a chore. Plus, anything I can do with friends I can do with DP, so why would I choose the less enjoyable option?

Female friends I find too demanding really. Obviously that’s not everyone, like I said I have one female friend in the pub group, but she’s fairly tomboyish and non girly.

The male/female stereotyping stuff is kind of weird tbh. I have male and female friends and the male ones are as interesting as the female and none of them are of the "hey want to hang in the pub and not talk about anything serious" types.

Your female friends aren't "demanding". ( presumably they aren't friends either since you have no interest). They are just human beings who want a certain level of connection with a friend. you don't give that which is fine - your choice but don't then label them as demanding. And don't label that "demanding" further as being related to being female.

I also think you should consider why you characterise people you like as "tomboyish and non girly" as if this is an actual thing. It isn't. You are just slapping a label onto people you like or don't like. The woman who is "non girly" is just as female as the woman you don't want to be friends with.

Maybe talk about it with your partner since you won't want to talk about it with anyone else. That's the thing about friends though - they tend to be diverse and different so if you raised that issue with them, you might get a very interesting range of responses. You'll only get one from your partner.

I hate socialising but have a few close friends who I enjoy spending time with.

Not healthy to put all your eggs in DP's basket.

I don't do regular meetings by rote with friends. I have deep connections and don't do small talk

I think they are demanding. To themselves or others, they are probably not. It’s individual. And I’ve personally only ever met women who are that “demanding” but I acknowledge not all women are.

As for tomboyish, yes she’s just as female as anyone else. As am I. You don’t have to be girly to be female. Neither her or I are less female.

It’s not that I don’t like them. I like plenty of women. I just don’t want to maintain the intensity of relationships they do.

I genuinely love my friends' company! They make me laugh, they challenge my views, they make me feel loved. I can sit and chat with them for hours, or just sit in silence if that's how we feel. Real friendship goes way beyond small talk and platitudes.

Oh. I've never experienced that with my friends, ever, not since school anyway.

I just don’t want to maintain the intensity of relationships they do.

Well off you go then. no one is forcing you.

But it isn't a male/female thing. you said yourself that your dp thinks you are a weirdo for not wanting friendships so clearly it isn't a male/female/oh if only women were tomboys/ thing.

Your partner is more into friendships than you are. Presumably with men as well as women. So how is this a "women want intense relationships" stereotypical thing?