To not understand friendship?

[VioletteValentia]

This is hard to explain. I don’t understand friendships.

I have friends. We meet once every few weeks in the pub for a few drinks, have a laugh and that’s it. I have great fun, we enjoy ourselves.

In between, I rarely talk to them. I don’t do daily conversations or even weekly, and I don’t do small talk at all.

The way other people conduct friendships baffles me. Visits to each other’s houses, knowledge about friends relationships (I have no idea, other than my couple friends, if my friends are dating anyone), gossip. I also don’t get girls/lads nights out, and this camerarderie that everyone has. I get all my needs met from my partner - what need do I have for this socialising? To me, it’s a lot of time money and energy for very little reward.

I mainly prefer hanging out with people if there’s an organised activity, like a game night or cards. Unorganised, aimless socialising seems pointless and boring to me.

DP thinks I’m a right weirdo he’s a lot friendlier than me.

Anyone else feel this way?

but why so hostile to the idea that friendships are important to other people?

I’m not. I’d like to understand how and why. Because currently I don’t

I see no hostility here!

Maybe it’s because I’m asking questions. I just want to understand how it works. And why people need it.

DP has more of a need for friends, although he’s fairly introverted, and says it’s like extra family but I can’t work it out.

Is there someone in your life who is pestering you about your lack of friends, OP? Have you been told, or has it been suggested to you, that your 'unfriendliness' is causing other people harm? If not, then there is nothing to worry about. It's fine to not 'be like other people'. Other people are not like other people. There is a huge variety in human behaviour/wishes/preferences and that's absolutely fine.

Now, me, I don't get the idea that everyone should have a partner. I'm very happily longterm single, and prefer having lots of different friends (yeah, some of them are people I might have sex with) who drift in an out of my life.

I'm glad you asked, VioletteValentia - it's reassuring to realise it isn't just me!

I love having friends.

As for why, just for fun I guess.

You say you have a partner, it’s a bit like someone saying that they like being single and Di t get why you want a partner. (As it happens I love being married so totally get why you have a partner). Others though are very happy being single. People are different.

For me, friendship is great. I have friends over for meals at least once a week and often catch up for coffees, walks, evenings outs etc. I love my friends, I enjoy their company and we have a lot of laughs together. We also support each other when things aren’t great and give each other good advice. I get that from my husband but I love it from my friends too. For me, I’m not sure it’s healthy to get all your social needs met in just one person. Like I said, people are different.

I don’t understand why anyone wouldnt want close friendships. I’m an extrovert and very social and like cooking for people, hosting and attending parties, chatting etc. Again, people are different.

SGB I’ve had a few comments how it’s “strange” when I say “oh I don’t really have friends/like going out/I prefer to stay in”. DP also has more friends. It doesn’t bother me I’d just like to understand the mentality behind it.

Yours I understand, I can see the need/preference for lots of friends instead of a partner. I find it hard when people want both. That makes little sense to me.

Em, you don't understand the need for a social life and prefer organised games and activities. Your child is the same. And your husband might be the same. Ye are all happy out and have a great life.
The reason you don't see the point in friendships is because you are thought to have ASD. That's why. No mystery. It's not causing you any bother so it's not a problem.

I am an introvert but I have many deep friendships and a huge need to be social. I won't be dancing on the bar but I will be out with friends or family. I deeply HATE introversion being some kind of euphemism for ASD. it's a completely different thing.

OP, my need for friends is that I have no family in this country so they are my family. That’s it, no other reason. I’ve known them since childhood so they are like my family. We know each other’s families, like extended family. I do find it hard to make new friends and can’t be arsed with them tbh!

There are loads of things that are very important to some people that I simply don't give a fuck about. That's OK. It's not my job to spoil their enjoyment of whatever they like, as long as they don't persistently nag at me to engage in whatever it is. There are things I like that are of no interest to a lot of other people.

I dislike and won't get involved in: Religion
Sport in any shape or form
Cookery shows on TV
Most things on TV (I just CBA to watch telly).
Home improvement and interior decoration.
Monogamous relationships.

Things I like that lots of other people are not fussed about
Morris dancing
Obscure horror novels
Glam rock
Microkingdoms.

Obviously I think the stuff I like is better than the stuff other people like, because otherwise I would like what they like, but the point is that it doesn't matter. It's OK to live in the way that suits you.

Hyena “just fun” is as good a reason as any! I can see that, it could be like any activity someone enjoys.

I think it’s the support bit that throws me. I understand going out for fun.

I get what you mean about your partner being your best mate. Mine is too. If he's got a day off work I'd rather spend the day with him doing ordinary every day stuff, than meeting a friend for lunch. I just prefer his company to anyone else.

It's not that I'm being anti social, I just know I'm at my happiest with him and my kids.

The reason you don't see the point in friendships is because you are thought to have ASD. That's why. No mystery. It's not causing you any bother so it's not a problem.

It’s more that I’m trying to figure out how the “normal” mind works.

I do suspect my partner is somewhere on the spectrum too. He recently told me he had to teach himself to make eye contact and that he has scripts in his head for situations...

I get what you mean about your partner being your best mate. Mine is too. If he's got a day off work I'd rather spend the day with him doing ordinary every day stuff, than meeting a friend for lunch. I just prefer his company to anyone else.

Exactly. Friends could be a 7/10 day, partner would be 10. I’d pick him every time!

Some people just aren't into friendships. Nothing wrong with that.

OP, you seem to think that maintaining friendships is something of a burden or a responsibility. But for those of us who value our friends, it isn't. It is very enjoyable. I love talking to my friends. I like them, think they are funny and entertaining. That is part of the reason why I am friends with them. So spending time with them is entertaining and mind-opening and challenging and just simply enjoyable - bit like you have with your partner. Many of us have that enjoyment of being with the other person from our friends.

You don't understand because you don't experience it but I'm sure you realise that your experiences aren't everyone's. I'd hate to live without friends but I can understand that you are perfectly happy without them.

I think it’s the support bit that throws me.

I suppose you don’t have to understand it, you only should accept that’s what some people do. It doesn’t mean that you have to or that you’re weird if you don’t.

I love chatting through things with my friends, big issues and small issues and mindless chitter chatter. My friends have supported me through illness and bereavement, I’m now supporting a friend through a divorce etc. It’s just being there for one another.

Re pp avoiding drama. In all my years of having a huge mix of good friends, never has there been any drama or weird shit. I think it might be the people you’ve met, rather than a necessary by-product of having friendships. The pleasure of getting past the acquaintances phase, is having more than one person who really knows you and understands you. If you choose well, these friends will know when to leave you alone, they won’t prattle on about nothing and waste your time. You’d be making a meaningful connection, and it would be fair and mutually fun/supportive/interesting. I can think of bases that some life long friends of mine cover off the top of my head, 1. Mutual obsession with history, grew up together so have hilarious memories. 2. Grew up together and families are close, we know everything about each other’s childhoods and Family. 3. Loves sport and nutrition, cooking, going on big hikes together. 4. We work in the same field and equally passionate and talk about other stuff but this is our favourite topic 5. Best for laughs and drinks (although all of them are good!). 6. Excellent for big trips and activities with all our similar aged/abilities kids, into the same stuff. 7. Into travel and talk about it constantly, also good for a laugh and drink! 8. Very homely, rely on each other for help with kids, home stuff, cook together a lot, the type to bring soup if you’re sick! I could go on but they’re examples of 8 people that put a smile on my face. I have so many more, plus then my DH and my lovely kids. He gives me stability, we share values, commitment, understanding and all of that - but he’s got no interest in history, he tries to listen about work stuff but it’s very niche and nobody gets it unless they live it, and he loves hearing about it but didn’t experience my childhood alongside me.

I hate parties and big gatherings but l like gigs and pubs and the cinema - l have friends with different interests, arty ones, mum ones, punk ones, geeky si-fi ones ... There's always someone to do a particular thing/have a particular conversation with with if l want to. DP and l have a lot in common but we don't like exactly the same things - l need other people too.
I suppose friends add texture and variety to life - that's why l value them.
If you don't feel the lack l wouldn't worry about it though. People are all different, no harm in that!

OP, you seem to think that maintaining friendships is something of a burden or a responsibility. But for those of us who value our friends, it isn't

I think that’s it. To me, it’s a chore. I’m trying to understand what people get from it that makes it not one.

I know that people do enjoy it, I’m just trying to figure out how and why.

I also think if I shared my emotional needs with someone else I would feel like I was betraying DP. Obviously I’m not but it would feel that way

Maybe other people can handle more relationships at once than I can?

It’s just being there for one another.

That’s what I hate, as awful as it sounds. If someone needs me to grab them something from a shop, or research something, or literally solve a problem, fine.

But I have no idea how to be there. I don’t know what to say. If it’s a practical issue I’ll help but I’d rather not get into emotional stuff, it’s messy and awkward.

This may be the piece I’m missing!

I know that people do enjoy it, I’m just trying to figure out how and why.

I don’t enjoy climbing. I hate heights. Why anyone would want to climb is beyond me. People do though and that okay. It doesn’t need figuring out it just means they like different stuff to me.

I also think if I shared my emotional needs with someone else I would feel like I was betraying DP. Obviously I’m not but it would feel that way

I’m glad you realise that you wouldn’t be betraying your DP as you really wouldn’t be. That wouldn’t be a healthy relationship if that were the case.

I find this interesting. I had two close friendships growing up, the second of which meant the world to me (but then left me for another friend). Was always in an OK group, had fun. I was close to people at Uni once I found my people (but lots of dysfunctional dynamics, and sadly a suicide). I don’t crave friends now, but sometimes wonder what it would be like. Occasionally people cultivate a friendship with me, and we meet for coffee a few times (one ongoing, I am closer to), but I don’t really know what to do with it. I have a theory that I associate friendships with loss (repressed sadness from parents divorce and other splits too). But it might just be that I despise small talk, talking in any way intimately or negatively about my dh or dc, and so even bore myself.

I met two interesting strangers on a course once - intellectual, one 70ish, one 80ish, warm and humerous and well travelled and I would love some friends like them. You know, the people you could skip the small talk with and just start having a roaring good chat.

I don’t need to understand but I would like to.

Eh, to me I think it’s weird to rely or need someone not in the relationship. It feels wrong. I prefer to have DP for that.

He doesn’t prevent me from having friends or anything, purely my own view.

For me, it's about making more human connections. It doesn't have to be with sex in it or romantic, human connections can be about sharing ideas, feelings, experiences, having a laugh or indeed a cry together, or just enjoying each other's company whilst living on this planet. For me, my husband is a friend but I get things from other friends I might not get from him- different ideas, other experiences, sharing feelings or even the chance to talk about him, he's not a god or always right and it's nice to think through things with other people, including about my marriage.

I didn't have friends as a child and felt lonely and out of place, once I hit adulthood I've always had friends, and whilst they are not always of the same depth, I had some of my best times out with friends, or even just deep in conversation. My best friend I've had for over 30 years and I know whatever happens in life, I can call her day or night (I don't the vast majority of the time!) and she'd be by my side through whatever I had to face. That's a lovely feeling.

As others have said though, there's no requirement to have friends unless you want them. Also, friendships can throw up negative emotions, and if you lose a good friend for any reason, such as them dying of an illness, or even just losing touch, it can be a reason for sadness.

If you have what you need in life, there's no reason to go seeking it to be different. I can't imagine my husband, lovely though he is, fulfilling all my needs, and I like the variety of other experiences friends can bring. I'm also a pretty good friend and will stick with/help my friends a lot if I can if they are having a difficult time. I am a good listener and have listened a lot over the years as well as had fun.

You know, the people you could skip the small talk with and just start having a roaring good chat.

I find these people on forums, usually. Sadly they end up being scattered. One of my best online friends lives in India.