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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand friendship?

247 replies

VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 19:01

This is hard to explain. I don’t understand friendships.

I have friends. We meet once every few weeks in the pub for a few drinks, have a laugh and that’s it. I have great fun, we enjoy ourselves.

In between, I rarely talk to them. I don’t do daily conversations or even weekly, and I don’t do small talk at all.

The way other people conduct friendships baffles me. Visits to each other’s houses, knowledge about friends relationships (I have no idea, other than my couple friends, if my friends are dating anyone), gossip. I also don’t get girls/lads nights out, and this camerarderie that everyone has. I get all my needs met from my partner - what need do I have for this socialising? To me, it’s a lot of time money and energy for very little reward.

I mainly prefer hanging out with people if there’s an organised activity, like a game night or cards. Unorganised, aimless socialising seems pointless and boring to me.

DP thinks I’m a right weirdo Grin he’s a lot friendlier than me.

Anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:
Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 20:01

It's not because people don't like me, it's because I'm not such a fan of people (in the general sense, there are few people I actively dislike personally). I don't worry about it. Why would I compromise a situation I am happy with, for one that would make me uncomfortable?

Yeah exactly.

For me, I see it as I could spend £30 meeting friends for a coffee (travel, drink, food) and waste an afternoon but...I could buy a new lipstick with that. Read a book. Learn something. Play on the Xbox. Visit a museum. Get my brows done. Take dc out. Order a takeaway with DP. All those things sound 100x more appealing to me and less of a waste of my money.

OP posts:
Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 20:03

I'm sure he does because he now doesn't like interacting with others!

That’s nothing I’ve done. I had him in nursery from a young age so that he’d meet other kids because I knew he wouldn’t if he was with me every day!

OP posts:
Bloopbleep · 11/03/2018 20:04

I’m like that OP but I’m autistic. I do wish I had friends or even a single friend I could call upon for a chat.

My only concern with reading what you’ve written is that tou say your dc is like you. In no way judging and i’ll Never actually know as I don’t know you or your child but generally NT kids learn socialisation skills from the people around them. It’s really important that you’re not teaching your child to be like you if that’s not what’s natural to them.

As much as I despise baby groups I still suffer them and partake in “pointless” but pleasant small talk with others so my child can learn to socialise effectively. Like any other kind of ‘exercise’ I find the smalltalk gets easier with practice and in turn I’m learning to socialise too. There are patterns to the conversations at these groups that repeat every couple of weeks (yes really!) so you’d just need to find the local pattern where you are to survive.

In the end it’s your choice tho.

KoshaMangsho · 11/03/2018 20:06

Because it is not possible to fulfill every role as a partner. I have a close male friend with whom I share a sporting interest. I have a bunch of female friends whom you would call ‘mum friends’. When I had a late miscarriage and then following that a very premature baby who was critically ill, they came to visit me, offered me company, support, offered my partner support and looked after my older child when they could. One of them then suffered a stillbirth not long after and the rest of us (including me) were there for her in the same way.
I emotionally survived that time because of them. My partner was great but he had his own grief as well, and the loss of a baby you were carrying and had hopes for, only other women could get. When my breasts began to leak afterwards and it broke my heart they ‘got it’.
So we do small talk. But we talk about life, family, work. About big things and idle things all at the same time.
I also have a group of friends from primary school. I don’t live in the same country (let alone continent) as most of them but we catch up when we can. They provide me with an emotional connection to my country, language, people and past. And on a practical level they have checked in on my parents if need be. I met one of them after 15 years and we chatted for six hours without a pause.
I like to think I am a good friend. I offer the same support to my friends (the close ones) that I would to my partner.

DenPerry · 11/03/2018 20:08

I agree that it could be unfair on a partner if either you were a really needy person and/or they were very extroverted themselves and wanted that for you. But my DP is the same as me. He doesn't need involved friendships and we are both easygoing people with calm lives so no need to emotionally lean on each other that much.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 20:09

Bloop my child is actually suspected to be autistic. I was tentatively told as a young girl I had Asperger’s syndrome but nothing was ever done about it, they just told my parents I was incredibly bright but struggled socially. As evidenced by my complete lack of understanding in this area.

DC hates crowds, for one. I deliberately send him to nursery so he meets kids his age, but he’s not a fan.

OP posts:
Witchesandwizards · 11/03/2018 20:09

I’ve worked out relatively recently that I’m an introvert and it happened because I had to work out some issues in my relationship with DH. He would have people around him all the time if he could - from just ‘hanging out’ to big nights out, and he thinks I’m miserable and anti-social because I don’t go out often and hate having people round unless they’re invited and they don’t stay too long 😂 I don’t text or call friends except for chit chat just things I need or they need (can someone email the homework/anyone recommend a decorator etc), but he’s constantly on whatsapp.

It’s weird - people like me, and when I’m out I’m often the life and soul of the party, but I can only do it in small doses.
And I have friends I really love but I’m rubbish at keeping in touch with them - I think they understand that it’s not personal but I do feel very guilty a lot of the time.

iamyourequal · 11/03/2018 20:09

violetta: As for if one of us dies, that’d be terribly unfortunate and I’d be devastated. However I don’t think I can or should live my life a certain way just in case of a tragic accident. Hi OP I don’t want to be morbid on here on a Sunday night, but I can guarantee you that we will all die! I don’t have many friends either as I have found making friendships hard in life since secondary school. I am really trying to maintain/ make at least a few friendships because if my DH goes before me I don’t want to be lonely and don’t want to be a burden on my children either. Some people out there are truly lovely and their friendship is worth the effort, even if it doesn’t come easily.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 20:10

Realised that sounds like I’m showing off, I’m not. I was just paraphrasing, apologies. Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 20:12

It’s weird - people like me, and when I’m out I’m often the life and soul of the party, but I can only do it in small doses.

Me too. I’m an extrovert for about 4 hours and then I want everyone to sod off. Grin

OP posts:
Qvar · 11/03/2018 20:13

You probably have an ASD and your child, if he is as antisocial as you say, also needs assessing.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 20:14

iamyourequal if course, I meant early. I have family too who I spend a lot of time with. I have a sisterly type relationship with my mother. She’s the closest thing I’d consider a friend outside my DP. I know some would think that sad but we’ve always been like that.

I find people online more than irl, tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 20:14

You probably have an ASD and your child, if he is as antisocial as you say, also needs assessing.

Was told when I was a child I likely had aspergers and my dc is being assessed.

Perhaps we are simply a family of autists!

OP posts:
MoralBeryl · 11/03/2018 20:17

Another thing I would add is that I prefer to deal with grief or pain on my own. Sometimes even away from DH.

When a doctor told me I'd had a miscarriage (I actually hadn't, fortunately) there was nothing that anyone could have said to me to make that better. I wanted to be on my own.

When that baby was born, there was no way in hell I wanted DH touching me, let alone all that NCT encouraged massage stuff!

I was the same as a child. I distinctly remember going to read a book in my room when my rabbit died. Apparently, my lack of desire to sob in front of my family made me odd. I wondered at the time whether that was true. I now think that was a cruel thing to say to someone who obviously just deals with things differently.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 20:20

I’m not touchy either. I hate strangers touching me, even friends. And when I had dc I don’t think I wanted to be touched either, although I don’t remember much.

OP posts:
Spicylolly · 11/03/2018 20:24

I'm so pleased I found this thread, I don't have many friends now, I did and have had loads but now I can't stand any drama so I always backed away, not sure if everyone is a massive drama llama or I've been unlucky with my choice of friends.
I'm happy with just my close family, husband, kids and a literally 2 friends.
I'm sick of seeing crap on FB about 'this person did that' or 'don't talk about me behond my back' comments....why even have anything to do to with these people? Just move on, I genuinely don't understand it. Why have all these 'friends' and constantly main or create drama about them? I think a lot of people are magnets for drama, it's very sad.

demirose87 · 11/03/2018 20:25

I don't have a lot of friends and I never have. I do have a few friends but rarely see them as I have four young DC and they are childless.

I have always found it hard to make friends and get past the acquaintance stage.

The friendships I have had over the years I haven't kept through life style changes and different factors, but I never really care. I just am not that arsed about people outside of my partner, children, immediate family and very close friends. It requires effort and half the time I can't be bothered. I have bad experiences of friendships in the past and it puts me off people.

I would like to meet new friends but I never really click with anyone. People stay as acquaintances and it doesn't get any deeper than that.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 20:27

just am not that arsed about people outside of my partner, children, immediate family and very close friends. It requires effort and half the time I can't be bothered. I have bad experiences of friendships in the past

Exactly. I don’t understand getting past acquaintances tbh. How and why lol?

OP posts:
MoralBeryl · 11/03/2018 20:27

I really don't think it's necessarily a sign of ASD, or even atypical. It could just be introversion, as others have said and that's not weird at all.

I have a high level of emotional intelligence. I would be absolutely appalling at my job if I didn't. I'm just a homebody and a bit shy when I don't have my professional armour on!

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 11/03/2018 20:29

I can just think of 100 things more interesting than people. The exception is my DP, I adore him and want to share these wonderful people free experiences with him. His opinion, feelings and comments I actually care about. I just...don’t really care that much for the opinions of others.

OP posts:
Vibe2018 · 11/03/2018 20:32

I wish I had friends as I get very lonely even though I have DH and DCs. I just can't seem to connect with people. I've kind of accepted it and have given up wasting my time trying but it does make me sad. I don't think its a good example to my children. I wish we had a busy house with friends dropping by.

I am aware DH won't necessarily live forever - I mean, chances are that we will have a long life together - but if he died young I would be very isolated.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 11/03/2018 20:32

Be happy as you are OP
Don’t label yourself either Flowers
My mum is a bit like you . I can’t say she has thrived in widowhood but she gets by !
And who’s to say my mates will all be around when DP passes anyway ? Assuming he does before me

Sorry for rather morbid reply Blush

theWarOnPeace · 11/03/2018 20:34

I think that as long as you’re happy, there’s no right or wrong way to have friendships. This is coming from someone with a lot of friends, and I get a great deal of joy from sharing bits of my life with people that I’ve known from anything from 30+ years, down to people I’ve met through the kids’ school in the last 3-4 years. From reading your posts, you make an excellent case for keeping yourself to yourself, but that doesn’t fit my personality at all. Whatever makes you feel happy, is the key. I feel very secure in my own skin, and enjoy my own company and that of my DH and kids, I just somehow fit in absolutely tonnes of socialising.

DiplomaticBag · 11/03/2018 20:35

Ok, so you don’t do friends, but why so hostile to the idea that friendships are important to other people?

Xmasbaby11 · 11/03/2018 20:35

I have many friends who have enriched my life so much. They are people that I love. I am interested in them, I care about their lives, I am excited to see them, we can talk for hours. I can't imagine not having friends in my life. Some friends I've had since childhood but I still make new friends now.

If you're ok as you are, that's fine, but I think you could try a bit harder to understand why friend ship is important.