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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a little uncomfortable that my partner got a lapdance?

224 replies

GreenEyes101 · 11/03/2018 17:32

He is on a stag in Barcelona so I knew a trip to a stripclub would probably be on the cards and initially had no issue with it. He told me today that they went and he had a dance which I laughed off - but then he proceeded to tell me he had 2 at €50 a pop! AIBU to be a little uncomfortable/upset? One still may not have bothered me but €100 for 5 minutes cheap thrills got under my skin a bit!

OP posts:

Amanduh · 12/03/2018 19:16

I wouldn’t care plus if you told him you were ok with strip clubs and he told you all about it then I don’t see a problem there. It’s ok for you to find it unacceptable now and tell him so going forward but I wouldn’t be angry at him for doing it when your previous stance was different.

KingPrawnOkay · 12/03/2018 19:17

If he even set foot in a strip club he’d be out the door. IMO it’s no different to cheating. If he’s got me, he shouldn’t be finding pleasure in another woman. But each to their own, I understand people would think my views are crazy.

pallisers · 12/03/2018 19:20

Ditto to you!

You are not even making sense. I am not in the least shocked at your opinion. Just commenting on your shock at the idea that not everyone thinks the same as you. Think whatever you like but if you say that you are shocked women wouldn't tolerate a husband going for a lapdance be prepared for people to think you don't get out much.

OlennasWimple · 12/03/2018 19:22

Yy, Tringley. And

This would be a deal-breaker for me too. DH knows this. He hadn't ever really thought about it before we got together, but even though he has multiple sports tours and stag dos (does?) under his belt, strip clubs has never been his thing, though he had been to a few on tour / stags.

And the "it only happened once" or "only on one evening" thing is complete bollocks too.

"He only slept with her once, why can't you get over it?"

"He only hit you once, what's the big deal?"

"He only used heroin the one time, it's hardly a habit?"

Pinkprincess1978 · 12/03/2018 19:43

A lap dance is a big no no for me. I would feel cheated on and my DH knows this. I don't mind strip clubs to much but a lap dance wouldn't go down well. On his stag do his mates handcuffed him to the best man and were going to take him to a strip club and he knew they would chip in for a lap dance. My brother got the hand cuffs undone and my DH legged it - I got a call to come and get him - he was hiding in a church car park as his mates were looking for him 😂

They still went to the strip club without him and one of the blokes spent £500 on
Lap dances 😲

Areyousureaboutthat · 12/03/2018 20:19

My point was never anything is fine if it's once so don't put words in my mouth

I didn't put words in your mouth. I was quoting your own words and asking for further clarification. Which, when you finally gave it, seemed to indicate that if it was something that you didn't agree with, a one off was not OK. So can you not see that when it's something someone else disagrees with 'its a one off so I can't understand why it's a problem' is such a daft comment? Or are we only allowed to be upset using your sliding scale of what is acceptable?

HelenaDove · 12/03/2018 20:19

" It’s ok for you to find it unacceptable now and tell him so going forward"

So unless women remind men at the beginning of the relationship to be respectful its the fault of women right?

Well if i ever had to micro manage or police a relationship this alone would make me end it.

Tringley

LocalHobo · 12/03/2018 21:17

I know I am pretty unusual (maybe unique?) on MN but I really find a mans naked body attractive.
I would imagine that going to an event with naked butlers or that club -was it Forbidden Nights? - someone mentioned upthread quite fun. I would not see the blokes as being exploited. I don't think I would mind if my DS did this to earn some cash.
I enjoy burlesque both female and male performers.
All of these events however just make me feel a bit horny for DH when I get home, they certainly do not seem to be acts of unfaithfulness to my DH in any way.
I know my DH has avoided strip clubs but has once attended Stringfellows and did not enjoy it, although that was more the company he was with. I would not forbid him to go to a gentlemans club but I would prefer him not to have a lap dance. If he did, I would want to know.
He would not like me to go to a hen-do with strippers but if I did, it would slightly upset him,not make him leave me.
I guess what I am saying in this ramble is that my boundaries are pretty blurred. I think lots of my contemporaries are the same. I am always impressed by posters who know they are right. However, the fact that these people often have such diverse opinions to each other doesn't help me to reach a conclusion

BertrandRussell · 12/03/2018 21:30

“I know I am pretty unusual (maybe unique?) on MN but I really find a mans naked body attractive“

What do you think the rest of us fancy?

Areyousureaboutthat · 12/03/2018 21:30

hobo watching strippers is significantly different from getting a lap dance.

Fairenuff · 12/03/2018 21:37

Have you never met a woman who didn't- I dunno- go to a spa on her hen do?

Yes. Loads. What's your point?

BertrandRussell · 12/03/2018 21:42

I wondered that too. Is “spa” a euphemism I am unaware of?

Fairenuff · 12/03/2018 21:46

OP try to look at it this way.

If your dh came home from the pub one night with a woman that neither of you had met before, sat down on your sofa and she gave him a lapdance, would you be ok with that?

If not, why not? Is it the environment. Does it make it ok because it happened in a club rather than in your living room?

What about if it was in a club but no money changed hands. Say he just met a woman in a club and they both felt a bit frisky so she gave him a lapdance for free. Would you be ok with that?

If not, why not? Is it the money. Does it make it ok because he paid for it?

It's no different to the first scenario which I'm sure most of us would not find acceptable at all. It's the exact same act. Adding the club and the money is just whitewashing. Don't be fooled.

LocalHobo · 12/03/2018 21:47

I suppose it is comments like
I highly doubt I'd pay for some guy to swing his bits in my face, let alone do it twice
upthread that lead me to that conclusion, but I know I am not in the top debating league you are in Bertrand (sorry that sounds goady, not intentionally I assure you) so I am happy to accept I'm wrong.
I also understand strippers are different, I was trying to make the point that my boundaries, and those of my social circle, are blurred.

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 12/03/2018 21:51

OP, gather up your self respect and leave that worthless man thing!! You can do better!!

Dahlietta · 12/03/2018 21:55

I think the spa comment was in reference to the lady who thinks every single man goes to a strip club on his stag do and the spa poster was wondering if she thought that all women do exactly the same thing on hen dos, e.g. visit a spa.

Helmetbymidnight · 12/03/2018 21:58

Thank you dahlietta, exactly that.
Although I like the idea of a spa being a euphemism for something...

Areyousureaboutthat · 12/03/2018 22:11

I suppose it is comments like
'I highly doubt I'd pay for some guy to swing his bits in my face, let alone do it twice'
upthread that lead me to that conclusion

I'm not sure I get what you mean hobo. I find men's bodies attractive, but wouldn't want a strangers penis near my face in public... We're you saying that you wound it, given that you find men's bodies attractive?

Laiste · 12/03/2018 22:12

I'm happy to see the overwhelming majority of replies are firmly in the 'I wouldn't accept this' camp here.

I've been hanging about on MN for 8/9 years (10?) and I'm sure that threads like this in the past have been much more skewed to 'aw let him be' with accusations of being controlling, and even the bloody 'jealous' word cropping up.

It's good to see.

Moppetpoppett · 12/03/2018 22:29

My husband was bought a lapdance by his friends on his stag. I was furious. He didn't enjoy it, they protested. It's you he wants. I didn't enjoy it, he protested. I think it was guys covering for guys.
What hurts is I asked him not to, he did. I was fuming at his friends for buying it as well.
I almost called off the wedding as it changed how I felt about him and our relationship, despite those who I told- men and women telling me it was no big deal. Well it was. If he went for another dance, it would be a deal breaker. Before his stag do I never would have thought he would be the cheating type, although I trust him, I wouldn't be gobsmacked if he ever cheated on me like some women tend to be.

Areyousureaboutthat · 12/03/2018 22:35

Always ready with the excuses aren't they, moppet. I've had similar, thinking dh was one of the decent ones, until something similar happened. It's a horrible thing when you realise you've misjudged such an important person in your life. Like you, I'd be devastated, but not surprised if dh cheated, knowing what I now know of his personality and (selfish, self indulgent) values. I think it's probably a similar eureka moment for OP.

Octave777 · 12/03/2018 22:38

''So can you not see that when it's something someone else disagrees with 'its a one off so I can't understand why it's a problem' is such a daft comment? Or are we only allowed to be upset using your sliding scale of what is acceptable?''

I think having a lapdance on a stagg (when op knew a club was on the cards) is different to him going to a lapdancing club when he's married all the time. If you think all situations are the same that's up to you.

You don't have to accept things are on different scales and I'm ok with that.

Moppetpoppett · 12/03/2018 22:46

I name changed just to be clear. Fairly frequent poster but husband knows my username. Yes, Areyousureaboutthat, it definitely sullied our relationship, not quite to the same extent that cheating might but I felt very betrayed. As you can tell, I moved past it and trust him but I was so blindly devoted and so confident of our relationship pre-lapdance

Areyousureaboutthat · 12/03/2018 22:49

octave I obviously don't think all the situations are the same, but as I said in more detail above, your words indicate that you don't see why this one off is such a big deal, because you don't mind a lap dance on a stag. Op does, so she's upset. I'll give up now, as I obviously can't explain a way which you understand the difference.

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