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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a little uncomfortable that my partner got a lapdance?

224 replies

GreenEyes101 · 11/03/2018 17:32

He is on a stag in Barcelona so I knew a trip to a stripclub would probably be on the cards and initially had no issue with it. He told me today that they went and he had a dance which I laughed off - but then he proceeded to tell me he had 2 at €50 a pop! AIBU to be a little uncomfortable/upset? One still may not have bothered me but €100 for 5 minutes cheap thrills got under my skin a bit!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 11/03/2018 22:42

“Don’t form relationships with men who have to be told not to treat women as commodities to be bought and sold”.

Sorted.

treaclesoda · 11/03/2018 22:45

For all those saying it's a deal breaker that's up to you but I am genuinely shocked.

I'm shocked that anyone would be shocked. Every woman I know expects their husband/partner to treat women like humans, not commodities to be bought for entertainment. It would be a deal breaker to pretty much everyone I know.

missiondecision · 11/03/2018 22:54

I’m surprised you are only a little uncomfortable...
I’d be absolutely fucking livid, disgusting behaviour, paying a woman to get him worked up, twice. Fuck off and don’t come back. Men do this shit because they can.

Octave777 · 11/03/2018 22:55

Every woman I know expects their husband/partner to treat women like humans, not commodities to be bought for entertainment. It would be a deal breaker to pretty much everyone I know.

I think there is a double standard. Some say it's ok he went to the club but it's the dance that is the problem. But I don't think this is about the women working at all. It's ok for them to stare at boobs on stage or flirt but actually pay for a dance, which is how the women earn their money is not ok.

missiondecision · 11/03/2018 22:57

Octave.... the chippendale excuse is nonesnese.
Women who don’t like that type of “entertainment” probably wouldn’t go. It’s horrible whichever sex is shaking their arse.

BertrandRussell · 11/03/2018 23:05

“Some say it's ok he went to the club but it's the dance that is the problem.”

I don’t. As I said, I would not be in a relationship with a man who regarded women as commodities.

ALemonyPea · 11/03/2018 23:05

It would be a deal breaker for me. So degrading.

Op, do you think it’s something, in time, you’d be able to get over, or is it something you’d bear a grudge forever?

treaclesoda · 11/03/2018 23:06

I think there is a double standard. Some say it's ok he went to the club but it's the dance that is the problem. But I don't think this is about the women working at all. It's ok for them to stare at boobs on stage or flirt but actually pay for a dance, which is how the women earn their money is not ok.

I can't think of any woman I know who would be happy with her husband going to a lapdancing club in the first place, even if he didn't pay for a dance. So no double standards there.

Octave777 · 11/03/2018 23:06

Missiondecion

Ok well we obviously have completely different outlooks.

MakeItRain · 11/03/2018 23:17

Years ago my (now ex) dh came back from his stag do and unashamedly told me he'd been bought a lap dance on his stag do. I remember being a bit taken aback but buried my feelings and told myself it's what men did and it didn't mean anything.
A few years down the line and 2 children later I was stuck in a miserable relationship with an arrogant, misogynistic bully who had very little respect for women and had an uncontrollable porn habit.
A few more years down the line and I'm thankfully divorced and free from all that rubbish. If I ever met a man who casually mentioned he'd had a lapdance I wouldn't even give him a backward glance as I walked away.

PinkAvocado · 11/03/2018 23:21

I feel as though I should say, it’s fine if you think it is fine but I don’t actually believe that. I think some things are inherently wrong, such as seeing women as commodities, paying for a sexual experience and enjoying a sexual experience (twice) whilst in a committed relationship.

Octave777 · 11/03/2018 23:24

Having been a stripper I never saw myself as being degraded. I just think a stag abroad is going to end up withstrippers. I've met a load of really respectful and descent men on stags that just see it as a one off thing. I've met really awful men in life outside the club that are totally selfish and pains around the house or abusive. A guy entering a stripclub doesn't make them see all women as commodities automatically.

Sallystyle · 11/03/2018 23:30

Game over for me.

A half naked woman shoving her bits in his face is cheating to me. It makes no difference to me if it's a random woman in a bar or if he paid for it.

And of course there is the whole misogyny part of it. Then add the amount of respect I would lose for him for being sad and sleezy there would be nothing left.

PinkAvocado · 11/03/2018 23:30

Even if you can think that way, Octave, it wasn’t a one off. He went back for more.

If they think women can be bought then they see them as commodities.

BertrandRussell · 11/03/2018 23:31

“A guy entering a stripclub doesn't make them see all women as commodities automatically.”

No- but that is how he sees the women in the club. Or he wouldn’t be there.

pallisers · 11/03/2018 23:32

I'd be more annoyed about him wasting 100 euros than the act itself.

If you have no problem with the act itself then why was it a waste of money? He got what he wanted out of the encounter - a sexual thrill in public. you wouldn't care about that so why is it a waste of money?

OP, you need to decide where your boundaries are with this. From this thread - and every time this comes up on MN - there are wildly differing views from women/wives. Only yours matter in this situation.

I would not be happy with a trip to a strip club and even less happy with a lap dance - or 2 (boy he must have enjoyed it). DH knows this although I've never had to explain it to him in words. He would also probably look at me with a dropped jaw if he discovered I happily went to a chippendales-style thing and had a man rub his body in my lap to turn me on. He never had to explain to me in words either that this wouldn't be his favourite thing.

pallisers · 11/03/2018 23:35

I've met a load of really respectful and descent men on stags that just see it as a one off thing. I've met really awful men in life outside the club that are totally selfish and pains around the house or abusive.

Seriously. If you met them in a strip club you have no idea how respectful or decent they are to the women in their lives - just your perception of how they behave to you performing in the strip club. Ditto all those awful men you met in real life - they could also be going to strip clubs and behaving like arses.

RosemaryHoight · 11/03/2018 23:41

It's so grim isn't it?

In my opinion and narrow experience, paying for it would be worse. But I don't believe you can buy consent.

Sallystyle · 11/03/2018 23:41

A guy entering a stripclub doesn't make them see all women as commodities automatically.

I've met a load of really respectful and descent men on stags

Of course it does. If you are going into a strip club, even as a one off then you are viewing women as commodities. Maybe they don't see all women as commodities, just some. Nice.

How do you know these men were respectful and decent by the way?

cheshiremama89 · 11/03/2018 23:46

I would be devastated and would never get over it Sad

Octave777 · 11/03/2018 23:57

How do you know these men were respectful and decent by the way?

I don't know how they behave all the time just like meeting men in any other work environment. But you talk to them and get a feel that they are just normal on a stag.

Also I know really nice guys, who are close friends of mine, and treat women nicely who have been to stripclubs for stags. Most men have been so...

(There are also knobs but just saying it's not all men). Trust me I'm not one to stick up for men ha. But it is different to go alone or all the time than once in a blue moon.

DixieFlatline · 12/03/2018 00:00

I don't know how they behave all the time just like meeting men in any other work environment. But you talk to them and get a feel that they are just normal on a stag.

The majority of rapists are ‘just normal’ men.

From what you’ve said in your posts I’d also (respectfully) suggest you have a rather low bar when it comes to expectations of men’s behaviour.

LineyOfArabia · 12/03/2018 00:09

The thought of a partner wanking away to the memory of a broke girl dancing without her clothes on is not my idea of ok.

pallisers · 12/03/2018 00:24

I don't know how they behave all the time just like meeting men in any other work environment. But you talk to them and get a feel that they are just normal on a stag.

There are women who date and then marry men thinking they are fine who then turn out to be abusive arses. But you think your encounter as a woman employed in a strip club gives you an unique perspective?

How on earth do you think your encounter with a guy from a stage as you strip or from his lap as you lapdance will give you a true insight into his character?

Anyway, back to the point, the OP has to decide whether or not this is acceptable to her. But she shouldn't make that decision on the basis of "boys being boys" or "all blokes do this" or "it is just a waste of money not a sexual thing" or "lots of really decent and respectful guys have lap dances" because for many of us those statements aren't true in the least.

BelleandBeast · 12/03/2018 00:39

I always wonder what men do after getting themselves worked up after seeing a dancer / stripper, I suppose they go for a wank somewhere and I'm sure it won't be their wives and girlfriends at home they are thinking about, it'll be some nameless woman whose body they bought for their titillation. That is the line for me.

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