Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a little uncomfortable that my partner got a lapdance?

224 replies

GreenEyes101 · 11/03/2018 17:32

He is on a stag in Barcelona so I knew a trip to a stripclub would probably be on the cards and initially had no issue with it. He told me today that they went and he had a dance which I laughed off - but then he proceeded to tell me he had 2 at €50 a pop! AIBU to be a little uncomfortable/upset? One still may not have bothered me but €100 for 5 minutes cheap thrills got under my skin a bit!

OP posts:
Steakandchips3 · 11/03/2018 19:56

It would be the end of our relationship if dh did this. I would see it as cheating. It depends on your personal boundaries though.

user1487194234 · 11/03/2018 19:58

For me this would be totally unacceptable
And also for my DH Fortunately
Only you can decide if it is ok for you c

FranticallyPeaceful · 11/03/2018 20:00

Depends how you feel and it depends what he’s like.
My ex did the same and I didn’t like it, then went on to paying prostitutes etc. Apparently didn’t matter because he paid for it and it was her job and meant nothing other than a service she offered.... so it’s fine.

Of course it wasn’t fine for me.

It depends on you and depends where your line is and his line needs to be in the same place, otherwise it will end in upset

AnyFucker · 11/03/2018 20:00

If you have to explicitly tell your male partner not to indulge himself in the sex industry I would say you had no hope of being in a respectful relationship

I have never told my H not to pay a woman young enough to be his daughter to rub her tits in his face. It pretty much goes without saying.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 11/03/2018 20:04

I’d find it disrespectful and disgusting and I would not want to be in a relationship with a man who thought this was okay. But, it’s your decision to make.

heyok · 11/03/2018 20:05

This would honestly be a deal breaker for me. But I'm a hard bitch. Shush ask yourself who he's thinking about next time you have sex. No way

shelentei · 11/03/2018 20:08

I'd be more annoyed about him wasting 100 euros than the act itself.

falang · 11/03/2018 20:11

I have no problem with him getting a lap dance. I'd have a problem if he hadn't told me. If he can afford to spend that money that's up to him.

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 11/03/2018 20:13

I think it depends on your relationship, the money doesn’t bother me, however when dh has one I felt as if he had cheated on me, it took along time before I could get over it!

MsSquiz · 11/03/2018 20:16

It wouldn't bother me at all, unless in the next breath DH was telling me we couldn't afford something else of less or equal value to what he spent on lap dances.

I've had a private dance at a lap dancing club, so have experienced it myself.

I do almost think the fact the DH knows I'm not remotely bothered about him going to strip clubs makes it less interesting for him to go when he's on a night out, like it's taken the shine off them for him!

I fully encouraged DH to go to a strip club on his stag do in our home town, but he was back home by 1am because they were tired!

fantasmasgoria1 · 11/03/2018 20:19

Deal breaker for me. As soon as I found out I would tell him the relationship was finished but as anyfucker said I don’t need to tell my partner the same thing!

SnibbleAgain · 11/03/2018 20:21

Why the implication that women who believe that their partners wouldn't do this are kidding themselves?

Do you think that going to strip clubs/ paying for lap dances/ having affairs is just "what men do" or something like that?

In which case you must feel that you have to put up with it or be single. That's not a good way to feel.

midnightmisssuki · 11/03/2018 20:23

It is your tolerance line op - no one else’s. Done let the choruses of ‘deal breaker for me’ or ‘totally cool with it’ influence you - this is just our own opinions of our own boundaries, not yours. Speak to your husband - let him know what you feel/think. Take it from there.

sevenstars · 11/03/2018 20:23

He is on the low-quality side. If you don't have children with him, cut your losses and move into a better man.

OutyMcOutface · 11/03/2018 20:26

Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! I can understand going to strip club to avoid being rude but buying lap dances is completely unecessary (not to mention a whole new level of gross).

Babdoc · 11/03/2018 20:30

If he’s happy to view women as pieces of meat in a sleazy strip joint, how does he view you? And why would you want a partner like that?

Chloecoconut · 11/03/2018 20:31

Your call on this one - did he know how you felt about private dances before he went? How would he feel about you paying £100 for two naked men to dance around in front of you?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 11/03/2018 20:35

I think the PP was right when she said choose your reaction OP
If you are Ok that’s OK
If you are angry that’s OK too

I would fall into the angry and pissed off camp as it’s so fucking cliches and sad to get a stiffy from a (probably not very happy ) woman having to perform such a demeaning act .

Coulddowithanap · 11/03/2018 20:38

Bit of a tough one.. I personally wouldn't like it if my husband paid for a lap dance let alone two.

At least he told you rather than finding out 6 months later from someone else.

AnaWinter · 11/03/2018 20:45

My Dh would not go to a strip club even if the rest of a stag were. If he paid for two lap dances it would be over for us.

BlancheM · 11/03/2018 20:50

YANBU
It's that double betrayal: the fact he was disloyal to you plus the realisation that he's just another misogynist who has always been inclined to view women as something you go out and buy on a night out.

Topseyt · 11/03/2018 21:09

It would be a deal breaker for me too.

I see strip clubs and lap dancing as sleazy and smutty. I am an uncool wife and will remain so. Fortunately DH is not inclined towards them either.

tiredandgrumpy101 · 11/03/2018 21:18

I'd be pissed off ! I told my husband ( many years ago before we were married) that I've no problem with strip clubs on stags as it's par for the course, however if he was to have a lap dance he would need to be perfectly happy with me performing a lap dance on one of his mates next time we were out,he knows I would follow through with it so hasn't even been to a club again, perhaps ask hoe he would feel if you took up lap dancing as a sideline xxx

Areyousureaboutthat · 11/03/2018 22:21

"On a stag in a different country with all his mates pressurising and lots of alcohol it was probably just a novelty.*

Maybe the once, but to repeat it again? Or is it okay to repeat until the novelty wears off?Confused

Octave777 · 11/03/2018 22:34

Maybe the once, but to repeat it again? Or is it okay to repeat until the novelty wears off?

Yes it was twice but still a one off type of thing. Two times isn't loads. I honestly thought all stags have a lap dance.

For all those saying it's a deal breaker that's up to you but I am genuinely shocked.

What if on a hen you went to chipendales and they danced on you. It's the same kind of thing you wouldn't do normally.