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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a little uncomfortable that my partner got a lapdance?

224 replies

GreenEyes101 · 11/03/2018 17:32

He is on a stag in Barcelona so I knew a trip to a stripclub would probably be on the cards and initially had no issue with it. He told me today that they went and he had a dance which I laughed off - but then he proceeded to tell me he had 2 at €50 a pop! AIBU to be a little uncomfortable/upset? One still may not have bothered me but €100 for 5 minutes cheap thrills got under my skin a bit!

OP posts:
Seahawk80 · 12/03/2018 00:58

I'd be cross about the money. But at least he told you. I was tells me some colleagues in our kitchen at work that I was furious with DH for exactly this...a woman from another department walked in without me seeing. Her DH was on the same stag do and she had no idea about the trip to the strip club...it was rather awkward!

gluteustothemaximus · 12/03/2018 01:01

Deal breaker for me.

R2G · 12/03/2018 01:06

Fuck that. I wouldn't be there when he got back. Scumbag.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2018 01:08

Having been a stripper I never saw myself as being degraded. I just think a stag abroad is going to end up withstrippers.

To be fair, if you worked in a chippy, you'd assume all stags included a trip to the chippy!

I think very few men would be happy if their fiancee/GF/wife was paid to strip and gyrate for another man. They would consider that cheating, I'll assume. But because it's the other way around, it's OK? No, it isn't.

R2G · 12/03/2018 01:11

What Mrs Terry said.
Come home then from your stag while I have a man sat in a chair and I am sat in his crotch with just a pair of knickers on. It's ok he gave me 50 euros just make yourself a brew,chill watch X factor, you know about it now so all fine. I'll be done in 10 minutes and we can cuddle up and not acknowledge what just happened - it's just what I do when you go away so be cool with it

NextIndia · 12/03/2018 01:14

The money is irrelevant. I would LTB for cheating.

Wintertime4 · 12/03/2018 01:25

There’s nothing cool about getting a lap dance with ‘the lads’ on a stag do.

He paid a girl money, one who was only doing it for the money, to sexually please him. It’s exploitation. You should see the men who run those clubs, my friend did lao dancing. Desperate for money. They threatened to beat her because she went home early as she didn’t feel well.

Seedy. Crap. Deeply not cool.

Octave777 · 12/03/2018 01:27

The majority of rapists are ‘just normal’men.From what you’ve said in your posts I’d also (respectfully) suggest you have a rather low bar when it comes to expectations of men’s behaviour.

Of course we can interact with ppl and they can turn out to be wicked. I don't really see the relevance. The nicest man you chat to anywhere could be a rapist but you wouldn't say he's nice, but mind you, rapists seem normal.

I loled at that last bit. Just because I've met selfish and abusive men does not mean I put up with that, or set a low bar.

Lilymossflower · 12/03/2018 01:36

Blergh gross

pallisers · 12/03/2018 01:47

I've been thinking about this OP and I think I can see why the second lap dance really bothers you.

I am of the school of no strip clubs/no lap dances/no need to spell it out as I wouldn't have married him if I had to. But lots of women aren't like that.

But the rational for it being ok - as opposed to the woman from accounts grinding on his lap during lunchtime which presumably wouldn't be ok - is that it is all just a bit of lads out for a stag, nothing serious, bit of a laugh, just in a club, have to play along.

But of course if you go back and get a SECOND lap dance it is a bit hard to maintain the - only a laugh/we all went along/just a bit of fun isn't it? So I can see why you are bothered.

pallisers · 12/03/2018 01:50

Of course we can interact with ppl and they can turn out to be wicked. I don't really see the relevance.

The relevance is you were saying that lots of nice respectful lads (although you haven't a clue what they are like) show up in your strip clubs and lots of abusive people don't (although you don't have a clue if they use other strip clubs or not). Basically your assessment of the character of those who use strip clubs is useless and irrelevant.

BedtimeTea · 12/03/2018 02:11

Deal breaker for me.

Areyousureaboutthat · 12/03/2018 02:27

I've met a load of really respectful and descent men on stags that just see it as a one off thing
Right then, so everything's OK as long as it's a one off novelty? (Ignoring the fact this guy enjoyed it so much it was a two off thing... ) Like to see your partner trying to use that excuse with you when he pays for some random sexual experience you're not happy about....

Areyousureaboutthat · 12/03/2018 02:29

What if on a hen you went to chipendales and they danced on you. It's the same kind of thing you wouldn't do normally.
I highly doubt I'd pay for some guy to swing his bits in my face, let alone do it twice. Grin

Octave777 · 12/03/2018 03:08

'The relevance is you were saying that lots of nice respectful lads (although you haven't a clue what they are like) show up in your strip clubs and lots of abusive people don't (although you don't have a clue if they use other strip clubs or not). Basically your assessment of the character of those who use strip clubs is useless and irrelevant.'

I never said abusive ppl don't use them just that you get abusive ppl everywhere. I was basically saying they attract all sorts.

DixieFlatline · 12/03/2018 03:15

I never said abusive ppl don't use them just that you get abusive ppl everywhere. I was basically saying they attract all sorts.

Are you for real? The point was that the people you deem to be the ‘normal’ ones could just as easily be rapists. You have no idea whether they attract all sorts. Particularly because your ‘all sorts’ seems to consist almost exclusively of ‘men who are lazy and/or abusive at home’ and ‘ones who don’t but go to strip clubs’. That’s a very narrow selection of men to make up ‘all sorts’. Hence why I said your bar was low.

Octave777 · 12/03/2018 03:17

''Right then, so everything's OK as long as it's a one off novelty? (Ignoring the fact this guy enjoyed it so much it was a two off thing... ) Like to see your partner trying to use that excuse with you when he pays for some random sexual experience you're not happy about....''

If my partner got a lapdance on a stag, no I wouldn't care.

I'm not telling op how to feel but was shocked at how decisive ppl are it's a deal breaker.

Areyousureaboutthat · 12/03/2018 03:33

I'm not telling op how to feel but was shocked at how decisive ppl are it's a deal breaker.
That might be how you feel about a lap dance, but you were justifying it in this case because it was a one off and a novelty. So how would you feel about your dp shagging a cheap prostitute as a one off novelty? Is that OK? Is it OK that he participated in fetish porn, because it was a one off novelty?
Do you see what I mean?

pallisers · 12/03/2018 03:44

I'm not telling op how to feel but was shocked at how decisive ppl are it's a deal breaker.

Really? you were shocked that a woman might not want to be married to a man who had a lap dance.

I'm not even shocked that so many women are ok with their husbands having a lapdance and a bit of a rise from a woman for money. That's the culture we live in now - transactional and weighted toward what men enjoy. But you, a woman, are shocked that a wife might not want her husband to look at other women's naked tits being shaken to titillate or have the same woman grind in his lap.

Boy are you are easily shocked. You might want to get out there more and explore life beyond your own experience.

Octave777 · 12/03/2018 04:19

Boy are you are easily shocked. You might want to get out there more and explore life beyond your own experience.

What do you mean explore life exactly?

Octave777 · 12/03/2018 04:22

''That might be how you feel about a lap dance, but you were justifying it in this case because it was a one off and a novelty. So how would you feel about your dp shagging a cheap prostitute as a one off novelty? Is that OK? Is it OK that he participated in fetish porn, because it was a one off novelty?Do you see what I mean?''

To extend the argument to say he could do anything once is like saying well what if he murdered once. It was in the context of this specific subject matter.

pallisers · 12/03/2018 04:27

What do you mean explore life exactly?

read, think, educated yourself, realise that people don't always feel the same about events.

honestly if you are shocked at women not being happy at a lap dance then you might want to think whether you have unquestioningly accepted a certain way of looking at life without realising there are lots of ways to look at something.

Areyousureaboutthat · 12/03/2018 04:35

To extend the argument to say he could do anything once is like saying well what if he murdered once. It was in the context of this specific subject matter.
You're really not getting it. You may be OK with a lap dance, but many others aren't. To say you don't understand why it's a big deal (or whatever you said) because 'its only a one off and a novelty' implies everyone should be okay with things if they're only a one off novelty. You didn't answer the extended question as to what you would think about something similar in your own relationship... Ie. Something of a sexual nature, which you didn't agree with. Murder is actually illegal, so is incomparable Hmm

DixieFlatline · 12/03/2018 05:04

To extend the argument to say he could do anything once is like saying well what if he murdered once.

Yes. That is why that argument is stupid. Your argument.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 12/03/2018 06:50

A guy entering a stripclub doesn't make them see all women as commodities automatically

Erm, it totally does. They aren't going for the ambience and a chat about the weather ffs. They are going to pay to see women naked. A transaction. They pay money to get women to do what they want.

Sleazy as fuck and absolutely pathetic imho. Yes I would divorce my husband if he did this, but he wouldn't, as he respects women as equals and doesn't see them as vessels that he can pay to give him a thrill.

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